I don't want this baby anymore

[Pinatubo07]

NC for this.
I am 23 weeks pregnant. This is all I ever wanted.
I tried to get DH excited during this pregnancy but he is so quiet.
Now I understand why.
It is just a source of worry and stress for us.
I have had 0 symptoms and a small bump, enough to say I never felt pregnant.
DH works his life away to get money for it. I cant even afford a winter coat as just using all the money I earn in saving it for it and paying for driving lessons. I should have passed by now.
I resent it. DH doesnt know but I have looked into terminating the pregnancy and this is the last week I could do it.
I am very unhappy with my life.
I used to have friends and now too tired / poor to see them.
I live in the middle of nowhere and I cant drive so I will be stuck with it.
I used to but I dont love this baby anymore.
I am not religious so please dont mention god or plans or anything like that.
I cant be this unhappy, waking up every morning is painful.
I am very familiar with depression so I know this is not the case. When I suffer from it I cant pinpoint the reason.
I can now. I had to stay in a job I hate for it, as it has a good maternity package.
I cant drive and my money need to go to it and soon wont be able to have more lessons.
I dont want it anymore

Good morning.

Yes I said I NC for this because I am embarrassed and I thought people would say terrible things because I dont want the baby.
I also posted about feeling very lonely on another thread a couple of days ago and that is true too. Yes those things are connected because I realised that when I stop working I will be stuck at home with that thing all the time and the more I thought about it the more I resented it.

And the more now I think about the fact it is growing inside the more sick it makes me. I feel I am a terrible person and so does my DH. He said he loves me yet we wont move and he will keep 2 jobs. And he wants the family. And that it was terrible that I suggested termination. He said it was scary and terrible. He didnt want me to call midwives in case I discussed that.

I feel he is now saying he loves me lots which is rare because he wants me to take his baby to term. And this makes me resent the baby more.

I have tried to think about when the baby is born and tiny hands and it just makes me sick.

At work it is constant people see me and ask about the baby and how exciting and how happy and they make me hate it more. And I answer well I dont know we will see and they keep saying oh it is the best thing and I want them to stop.
Because if I said guess what I actually hate this thing inside they will think I am a monster or I dont mean it, which is what DH thinks, that I dont mean it.
And I reached for a friend and she said well you will love it, things happen for a reason. And that was worse.

Sorry to go on and on and on. I really dont like taking people's time and being the centre of attention but I cant talk like this in RL.

I have even though maybe I resent it more because it is a boy. Why? I dont know. It is like everyday I find a new reason to hate it. He and DH will be fine without me? If I left them? Then everyone will think I am a monster. And if I terminated I could tell people I lost it.
How can someone think like this? DH thinks it will pass and I will love it. And then I resent it and hate it more.

Waiting for midwives to call. They will be horrified at me and take the thing away when born anyway. Even if I then changed my mind nobody would let me keep it then.

OP, you are very unwell. You need urgent help.

I'm sorry to hear that your husband doesn't seem to have understood that you are unwell. He has not only been unsupportive, he has been nasty.

You need to focus on getting support from professionals who will understand and will know what to do. Maybe then you can explain to your husband that you have depression. But it must be hard to explain when you're living it and when you haven't had a diagnosis from a medical professional yet.

Hang on in there. Please call the midwives in your break if they don't call you first.

Also the midwives won't be horrified. Unlike your idiot husband they understand antenatal depression and what it does.

They won't take your baby away either.

Stop calling yourself a monster love, you're not! The midwife will absolutely not think you are, people do think like this yes, unwell people, I'm convinced you're not well.

Try and stop thinking about the future for now, one step at a time, be completely honest with the midwife, see what she says.

We'll be here

The overwhelming feeling reading this is that of being trapped.
Trapped by the house situation, the impossible commute, the driving problems and then trapped by a new baby who will constrict your world even more. Does that sound fair?
Even without a baby, this situation does not sound comfortable. Feeling trapped and isolated will increase your anxiety and despair. Perhaps this is one angle to explore further with DH

You are not terrible or a monster, you are just unwell and need the support of a health professional, and there is nothing wrong with that. Your husband either doesn't seem to understand or is choosing not to - does he know that you have struggled with your mental health in the past?

Norks trapped. Yes. I feel I can't breathe.

You are absolutely not a monster, and many other women have felt as you do when unwell, and have had help and support to help them feel well again.

I hope the midwives are supportive today- they almost certainly would have heard from women who have been unwell as you are now, and will not think of you as a monster.

I agree with the above posters who say you need to talk to someone asap.
If you can't talk to your GP or midwife asap maybe call a abortion clinic and ask for emergancy counselling?
The legal limit is 23 weeks 6 days.

Thanks all. Yes DH knows of my depression history but never quite understood.
He didnt understand when I had anxiety about going to a party with people I dont know. Or why I cant breathe when he invited people over without asking me first.
I think mental health issues cant be understood by some people.

They think: get a grip or look at the positives. He says that a lot: look at the positives. It makes me worse

Hmmm. Not the best husband for someone with mental health issues

Namechange yes. He is a very good man. Honestly. But he doesnt understand these things.
I can see that he doesnt.
I feel tired. Almost at work and no word from midwives so I will try to call on a break

Mind, the mental health charity, run courses and supply materials for people like your husband, to help them understand - www.mind.org.uk/workplace/training-consultancy/

It's also worth giving them a call just for a chat. They are lovely and very supportive.

Apart from anything else, you sounds absolutely exhausted. I couldn't cope with that commute and I'm not pregnant.

You are not a terrible person, or any of the other things you have called yourself, you're exhausted and clearly depressed .. you really need to talk honestly and open with a health care professional asap.

I wish I could just give you a massive hug right now xx

And just to reiterate - I am 23 weeks pregnant too, and have a similar commute. I wish for it all to be over at least once a day, and am so tired I can barely breathe a lot of the time - it does really grind you down, and it's fine to feel that way - it's nothing to be ashamed of and doesn't make you any kind of monster! Or if it does, I am one too, and so are about 80% of pregnant women, so you are not alone. It's just being made worse as you aren't well, and that is something that can and will get better. Try the midwife again today, and give Mind a call.

Pintu my DH came with me to my therapy sessions and this made a MASSIVE difference, he is so supportive now and understands on a much deeper level what I'm going through when I find things hard.

You will overcome this- the fact you're asking for help proves you have the strength to get well again. You will be ok. Things will feel normal again; it's shit now, but I absolutely promise it will not always be shit.

The midwives will not judge you and they will want to help you. They won't think about taking your baby away at all, they will work with you to help you.

I have total sympathy for how you're feeling. You're not a monster or terrible at all. Your husband isn't helping, perhaps the midwives can talk to him about this. I hope you get to speak to them soon.

I just wanted to come back on and say - I had the community psych nurse (part of the perinatal mental health team) come and visit me at home yesterday (bad antenatal anxiety/depression). I was dreading it tbh, not just because my home is my space and escape, but just because I didn't know what to expect.

And it was great. Really, really great. Just to get it all out and have someone sit, listen, understand and reassure me that I totally can be helped.

I really recommend it OP.

OP I also have a history of mental health and in the original post you said you didn't think this was depression but as think as most people have commented it clearly is. That means unfortunately when you speak to the midwife they will refer you to someone else and you will need CBT or counselling which takes time and you will have to work on yourself. There is no overnight cure.

In the meantime you have very limited time to consider a termination if that is what you genuinely want. However I think you need to sit down and think things through.

You sound isolated by where you live and with and without a baby that isn't go to change. This to me sounds like something which should have been discussed before marriage but you do need DH to understand how this is affecting you. If he won't move and you want to stay together you need to look at what options you have. An hour away to the nearest down is close than you are commuting now. Could you retrain after pregnancy or take a minimum wage role there working evenings? The amount it sounds you would spent on childcare and travel look in to what benefits would be available or working tax credits if you just did 16 hours per week. Could you take a couple of years out?

The same with driving. It sounds like it's no surprise you failed your last test not because you can't drive but because of MH issues. There are instructors who are willing to help with this. I found rescue remedy helped to the point where my instructor knew if I'd not taken it or would sometimes get me to pull over and take 5 to talk about what was on my mind as it was affecting my driving/concentration without me even realising.

Sounds like there's something going on with DH beyond the not wanting to move and being away. You say you've only been married two months. I had a bit of a come down after our wedding. It felt like it was meant to be this magically honeymoon period but I was 27 weeks pregnant and very stressed!

It's very common with depression to ruminate and to skip from one worry to another, feeding yourself a deep, dark cycle which you actually thrive on rather than to step out of it and look at what needs to be done. These are all big, life changing decisions that probably feel like the baby is the source of all your problems but all these issues will still be there even if there is no baby and if you ever want a family they will be there again unless you sort them now. Life is not perfect, you will have to make compromises and it's very easy to look at everyone's suggestions and say none of them will work for us but sit down and work out what will. Depressed people often take the short term it's angle to satisfy how they are feeling I.e. I won't go out today so I don't have to face X fear, when actually facing it will be an unpleasant experience but you are one step closer to it not being a fear. I'm concerned that in your current mental state terminating the baby seems like the obvious solution... it's brought about all the issues! However in the long term once the hormones have gone and you have come to terms with the other issues in your life you might feel very different. Consider working through some of the scenarios I've talked about and if in time starting a family is not the right thing to do right now adoption could be a better option.

Pina - your posts are incredibly sad. So full of fear and pain and anxiety - I really hope someone has called you back by now, or that you've called someone else yourself.

Your DH has not only no understanding of your situation, but sounds like he has very little empathy either - this is not going to be ideal, going forward. He needs to be involved in appointments you have, so that he hears from medical personnel what is going on with you, that way it might penetrate his skull that you need help.

((((hugs)))) - you'll get through this.

I don't know if this helps or not, but when my first baby was born, I didn't get the rush of love. I felt like I was going through the motions, nodding when people told me how thrilled I must be, while every day felt like a nightmare that wouldn't end. My baby was looked after, but she wasn't loved by me. I resented her and didn't see how I could possibly go on like this - inside I was screaming that it was all a terrible mistake. At one point I was seriously considering leaving the baby on the steps of the hospital, leaving DH, my friends and family and just starting again somewhere new. I had a plan half worked out but fortunately a midwife intervened before then. It was the PND, and it (thankfully) passed. I didn't have mumsnet then, I wish I had.

For what it's worth, I fell in love slowly with my baby, I didn't feel any particular connection for the first few months, then things shifted and my world realigned and I adore her in a way I can't describe. Yet I can still remember a time where I couldn't imagine ever feeling that way, so while I don't expect that you will believe it will happen to you, please hang in there. When you're in the middle of it, everything feels impossible and overwhelming. Please keep trying to talk to someone, the midwife/GP will be able to help you.

WuTang exactly the same happened to me with my DS. For a time I never knew regret like it. Now I believe he is all I really need in the world.

I recognise you too and have been worried about you for a while. I really hope the midwife helped, but if not I'm glad you're seeing the GP. You are suffering, I so wish I could help and I hope the GP listens to you xx

I think I recognise you too and I feel so incredibly sad you're suffering like this. Please please talk to your doctor and midwife. They will be able to help you and will have dealt with this before. They take mental health and wellbeing very seriously and I know I was asked about it at my 18 week appointment. Please also keep talking to us when you need to. You will get through this with the support you need.

Hello all
I am going to bed as I am so exhausted I feel sick
But the support here has been overwhelming and I wanted to update everyone.
I made an appointment with GP for Thursday and midwife for Friday.

Worried though because midwife called on the phone but I had no signal and she left a message saying that I should make an app with my local midwife and my GP because they might want to put me on medication.

I really dont want to go on meds (have been before and took so long to come off and had lots of issues) so now I am regretting calling GP and I have anxiety over it.

DH will come with me to app.

Now I have to sleep
Thank you all