I don't want this baby anymore

[Pinatubo07]

NC for this.
I am 23 weeks pregnant. This is all I ever wanted.
I tried to get DH excited during this pregnancy but he is so quiet.
Now I understand why.
It is just a source of worry and stress for us.
I have had 0 symptoms and a small bump, enough to say I never felt pregnant.
DH works his life away to get money for it. I cant even afford a winter coat as just using all the money I earn in saving it for it and paying for driving lessons. I should have passed by now.
I resent it. DH doesnt know but I have looked into terminating the pregnancy and this is the last week I could do it.
I am very unhappy with my life.
I used to have friends and now too tired / poor to see them.
I live in the middle of nowhere and I cant drive so I will be stuck with it.
I used to but I dont love this baby anymore.
I am not religious so please dont mention god or plans or anything like that.
I cant be this unhappy, waking up every morning is painful.
I am very familiar with depression so I know this is not the case. When I suffer from it I cant pinpoint the reason.
I can now. I had to stay in a job I hate for it, as it has a good maternity package.
I cant drive and my money need to go to it and soon wont be able to have more lessons.
I dont want it anymore

Can I ask why you think the baby is going to need lots of money?

OP, termination is legal up to 24 weeks and it is a valid option still if you want it to be. Do what is right for you. Don't listen to people attempting to guilt you if you don't want this pregnancy.

I will say I felt the same with my first, although she was unplanned and I was a single parent. I used to dream about giving her up for adoption once she was born. It took me a long time but when she was about 2 it finally clicked for me. Please talk to someone, don't suffer alone no matter what your choice.

I think you should speak to your GP. You do sound depressed - sometimes you can't tell when you are in the middle of it.

Pregnancy is really hard. Some people sail through, apparently, but I am yet to meet anyone in real life who wasn't negatively affected in some way by the massive changes in body and hormones. I have never felt so sick and unhealthy in my life as I did when I was pregnant - and that includes recovery after c section!

Get practical. Write down everything you want to change and think about what you can do about it - learning to drive and able to get out will make a big difference, and you are already working towards that. Plan some places you want to go, look up some classes nearby that you can go to with baby.

Do you have space for family / friends to stay with you to visit? I swore blind I didn't want guests with a newborn before DS1 was born, but I completely changed my mind once he was here. It can help a lot just having another pair of hands around, even if it's one weekend a month.

You are doing one of the hardest things a person can do, so try to be kind to yourself .

You sound very stressed. £5,000 in savings is precisely £5,000 more than we had when we excepting twins and it really wasn't a worry.

Is there any chance of you moving somewhere less rural. How do you get to work?

Please speak to your GP or midwife about how you are feeling.

Also talk to your husband about how you are feeling and the situation you are in.

Friends do not stop visiting because your area is boring, and truly I personally do not think abortion would solve your current state of despair.

OP, you sound in a very difficult place. But three weeks ago, at the 20 week scan, you were happy. If you abort now that is a very permanent decision and your unhappiness may be temporary. You know abortion isn't your only option if you don't want this baby. You can continue with this pregnancy, see your GP and talk to your DP, see if you can feel better, and if you don't then consider adoption. It gives you more time to weigh up your options, maybe change your life with a love etc.

I'm not pro-life. I have had an abortion myself. I do regret mine but I know many people don't. I just don't think it's a decision that should ever be rushed.

With a MOVE, not love. Sorry for typo

Sorry, I asked about the scan to see if your feelings now are a recent development (not from an anti-abortion stance) and didn't mean it to sound insensitive. I was referred to a midwife who specialised in mental health because of a history of depression and anxiety and she was brilliant. In my area, it would be far quicker to go through the midwife than the GP. Mayhew's advice is spot on and you need to speak to someone asap.

This sounds like pre natal depression. Go and chat to your GP. This is a big red flag for post natal depression too.

Termination is legal until 24 weeks, no medical reason required other than the standard more risk to mother's life by continuing than aborting- ie all pregnancies. However in reality, OP you are unlikely to be able to arrange it in time. Abortions at this gestation aren't performed by all providers and terminations in general usually require at least a short wait for an appointment. I am pro choice but the practicalities are what they are.

I think therefore your best course of action is going to be getting some MH help. Look after yourself. I imagine it must be hard working with small DC during pregnancy even when you're 100% happy. So physically exhausting, especially when not getting the emotional support you need.

Yes DEFINITELY talk to your GP. I felt like this with my first pregnancy and it was hand on heart the worst experience of my life.

I don't drive either. And it's so scary, your first. Everything will always be different after. It terrified me and I was deeply depressed despite being happy just a few weeks earlier.

I started taking antidepressents when DS was a few months old (regret not going on them straightaway) and weaned off them a few months after that. He's 9 now :) I've had two more children and haven't had a repeat of the depression either time.

What part of the driving test do you not pass, if you don't mind talking about it?

Pina given you've failed 6 tests give the lessons a break and use the lesson money for taxis, seriously.

I failed 6 tests - then I gave up for a few years. Later, after livng in London and not needing a car, I moved to the suburbs and got a little scooter to get to work - did the 1 day compulsory basic training. After riding that for a few months I decided to try my car test again - had one lesson before the test and passed!

The driving will click one day but you are too stressed by it atm - leave it til after the baby is born.

Force yourself to see the lesson money as taxi fare for a while and get out and about that way - at least one baby group a week in your nearest town or a coffee and window shop in town, or taxi to the station and go and see your friends.

You will be at the stage for antenatal classes soon and do make sure you go - I met a lovely group of people at my ordinary, free, NHS antenatal group - you'll be surprised to discover people you didn't even realise lived locally.

And of course see your midwife or GP as everyone says - depression can be situational, there is more than one type.

Maybe your DH could work less if you need him to for your mental health - talk to him.

If you want to message me I would be more than happy to talk to you about the different things that helped me. It was so awful and I feel for you so, so much.

It's glaringly obvious that you have antenatal depression.

You say you've had depression before and this isn't it, but depression takes different forms and especially in pregnancy, which is a whole different ball game - you have extra hormones, physical changes and mental stress due to the enormity of bringing a baby into the world.

Please, please make an urgent appointment with your GP ASAP. You need specialist perinatal mental health support.

When you've got some support and started feeling a bit better, maybe you and your DH could discuss the possibility of moving? It sounds as if your main source of worry is being isolated without any source of transport, so if you move somewhere with better public transport links that could well be a significant improvement for you?

My DH didn't get excited with either of my pregnancies, he admitted that he was terrified something would go wrong if he did.
We were skint for the first few years of my DS1 s life, I gave up a well paying full time job and DH lost his shortly after DS was born. I was hundreds of miles from my family and my in laws were not interested in getting involved despite being ten minutes drive away.
I did meet some wonderful friends at a post natal group run by the health visitors, and many of the mums would help out if I needed a lift, because I didn't have a car at the time.
Ten years on and most of my friends are people I've met through the kids. Although now we are more settled financially, I still panic that I'm not doing enough for them, I feel guilty about working full time.
I hope you find someone to talk to. Your midwife should be able to help, I met my heath visitor a few weeks before my due date and she let me know what was going on locally. Perhaps there's a group you could go to once a week where you could treat yourself to a taxi to get you there?
Don't forget to look into tax credits etc for when the baby is born.
I hope things improve for you, whatever you do xxxx

I'm sorry you're having an awful time at the moment. Just to echo everyone else, definitely speak to your GP and/or MW (whoever can fit you in first). Also sounds like you need to have a good talk with your husband - you needn't be going through this alone.

You say you're quite isolated but you're managing to get to work somehow? Is the public transport reasonable where you are? How far away is the nearest town?

I am due to be moving sometime in the next few weeks or months and will be living in a new county well away from friends. I will know no one. I am already investigating groups available in my new town, such as bf support groups and toddler groups (I have older children). Sometimes it helps to know ways to keep in touch with civilisation. It is very easy to get stuck at home with a newborn but I always found getting out of the house brightened my mood. Having a nose around the shops was good but speaking to other mums in person was even more uplifting.

I would start by talking to your midwife - she will point you to the GP (and probably get a quicker appointment) or the maternity mental health team depending on what she feels would be best for you.

If you ring the midwife and explain your situation and that you have previous mental health issues, they can arrange for you to speak to a mental health midwife who would be best placed to help you deal with how you are feeling. Please don't cry - antenatal depression happens to a lot of people, and I am sure the feeling we've made a mistake during pregnancy happens to all of us at least once! It's king to be ok.

"DH says he has savings. I have a little but not much, like 5000 pounds."

Do you and your husband have separate finances?

It's unusual not to share finances when you're married and have a baby on the way.

DH and I have separate accounts but we know how much is in each other's account and we transfer money between them - we see all money as joint money.

You need to know how much money is in the pot overall, perhaps you will feel less stressed if you sit down with your DH and work it out?

I don't understand why you say you can't afford a winter coat if you have £5k in savings

"Please don't cry"

WTF?! You're telling a depressed person not to cry?!

Sometimes crying helps. It's pretty damn hard not to cry when you're feeling this bad.

Sweetheart, hang on in there.You are getting some excellent advice here, some lovely ladies who are/have experienced, just what you are going through, care about you, and are willing to share their very personal experiences with you. You are not alone, we are here.
Please do speak to your GP, or Midwife, they will not judge you, but they will understand, and help you.
You are going through a hell of a change in your life, but it may be a beautiful one yet! 🌺🌺🌺

NameChange yes, I am well aware of that, thank you.

If you RTFT, you will note that the OP just said she was crying and had to be at work in 10 minutes, hence my comment. Of course I didn't mean never cry!! Perhaps try saying something constructive instead of being an arse?

You do have valid concerns, but you do also sound in the grips of some kind of depressive state.

Please please go and see your GP, somehow. Talk to someone - get a MW to come out and see you if necessary.

Stop stressing about the driving - if it's not going to happen for you just now, then it's not - I understand the pressure because of the isolation and the money, but now is not the time to stress. Also, I noticed that when I was pregnant (and I don't think it's just me) that my spatial awareness went to pot - so not really the best time to try and pass, IMO.

Have a (((hug))) - I know you're feeling very alone but hopefully you will get some help and come through this. xx

I failed 8 driving tests, my husband used to joke about it but it was really traumatic, I still have nightmares. I understand how crap it can be. You will pass though, everyone does who doesn't give up. You also have £5000! Thats loads.
When the baby is here you will live him more than anyone else in the world and you will be a fantastic mother.