I don't want this baby anymore

[Pinatubo07]

NC for this.
I am 23 weeks pregnant. This is all I ever wanted.
I tried to get DH excited during this pregnancy but he is so quiet.
Now I understand why.
It is just a source of worry and stress for us.
I have had 0 symptoms and a small bump, enough to say I never felt pregnant.
DH works his life away to get money for it. I cant even afford a winter coat as just using all the money I earn in saving it for it and paying for driving lessons. I should have passed by now.
I resent it. DH doesnt know but I have looked into terminating the pregnancy and this is the last week I could do it.
I am very unhappy with my life.
I used to have friends and now too tired / poor to see them.
I live in the middle of nowhere and I cant drive so I will be stuck with it.
I used to but I dont love this baby anymore.
I am not religious so please dont mention god or plans or anything like that.
I cant be this unhappy, waking up every morning is painful.
I am very familiar with depression so I know this is not the case. When I suffer from it I cant pinpoint the reason.
I can now. I had to stay in a job I hate for it, as it has a good maternity package.
I cant drive and my money need to go to it and soon wont be able to have more lessons.
I dont want it anymore

Do you think that perhaps your pregnancy has triggered the feelings of isolation and possible resentment of having to move - it sounds like you're still working in London so the majority of your time is spent there so perhaps you haven't, understandably, been able to make a 'life' for yourself in your new home? It's OK to miss your 'old' life and the friends that went along with it.

If you're only 2 hours away from London you can't be too far in the middle of nowhere?

You live where your dh works but you have to commute 4 and half hours a day? That's very unbalanced. Can't you compromise and live in between?

Again popping in on my break.

Moving can't happen because the house comes with the job.

When I say in the middle of nowhere it is 1 hour walk to train station on foot, or to the shops and the roads are not great to walk on not very safe.

Money worries is not the clothes and stuff because I got them at NCT sale and ebay and donated.

My train is 320 a month and nursery we will need extended hours so it will be 1500 a month. That all is more than I earn. He doesnt earn much but we live in the house for free. He says we need a new car as our old one has 2 doors and it is from 1997 a bit knackered and it will die.
He says he has money saved up for us as I was crying about it, he said we wont starve. Then why work 2 jobs??? I feel this fetus is already taking everything away. I have gone from not loving it to hating it. I work full time too.

He is obsessed about what will happen if his employer died and we have to move so he is saving for that, we dont own a house.

I always thought I would be a good mum but I only feel resentment for it. 4 months left. I feel sick thinking about it.

I want it all gone

But I take on board all your comments and the time everyone has dedicated to me and for this I will call someone. Not for me of it, I dont care about it. But for all of you that have recommended the same.

Thanks you

Thank* you

Have you factored in things like child benefit, and have you checked if you'd be entitled to any other benefits? There are probably people who know more about that than me who can advise.

Are you learning to drive an automatic? It can make a big difference.

Pregnancy hormones can be so cruel- I'm sorry you're feeling so down.

What really stands out to me is your first statement that- you really wanted to be a mum.

I think speaking to the MH midwife is absolutely crucial- you could have prenatal depression (and it does feel so different to normal depression) and you need the right care to help you feel stronger again.

It sounds like your location is very rural- but I bet there are people closer than you realise! Are you on any Facebook mum groups? I bet other mums near you feel just as lonely and would love to meet up.

What job do you do? Are you able to offer childcare in your home, for example? Where is your nearest school?

^^ and yes! Automatic! This could be the way forward! So much more popular now so cheaper to get hold of.

I had depression during my pregnancy, I felt the same as you. But we got through it and it was a massive struggle, but dc is now almost 5 and even though we are broke, I still can't afford to learn to drive, it is the most rewarding, exhausting,full filing, terrifying and exciting experience of my life and I cannot live without dc. So much do we had another and went through the whole shitty depressing pregnancy stage again!!

You have to do that's right for you, but you can get through it. you just have to remember your initial excitement. Big hugs to you

What a desperate situation OP You really do need to seek professional help and also talk to your DH.

for you OP.

I know I had some wobbles when pregnant, but you sound very depressed, overwhelmed and lonely.

I can't add to the great advice you have been given here. All is spot on.

One thing that does strike me though is that your DH and his job seem to be calling far too many of the shots here. This has contributed to your isolation, I am sure. Maybe it isn't intentional, but just badly thought out and one sided. You need to talk to him and see where that leads you.

Your commute is far too long and complicated. Whatever DH's situation, I think it is too much for you and if you want to return to work after having the baby (I did after DD1) you really need to address it.

That may to a large extent dictate where you can live in practical terms, but it really shouldn't be only DH's circumstances that dictate.

Is DH a farmer or something like that? Some of what you say leads me to think he may be (sheep and fields, property as part of the job forever, and the rural setting that means isolation if you don't drive). Some of my wider family are farmers and are very entrenched where they are, haven't moved in decades.

Were you a city dweller transplanted into this "rural idyll"? I think it can be a very difficult adjustment to make.You might get used to it and will have to give it a chance, but it isn't everyone's cup of tea and it is fine to admit that and to say that you want to be somewhere with more of a community, some facilities and some transport links.

I agree with Topseyt. You are both individuals, why is it all about his job? Your current situation is not working for you. Would he be able to get a job doing something else? Free housing doesn't sound like a great deal if it's in the middle of nowhere and the job only pays a low wage.

I agree with you all, but one thing at a time - it's difficult to make decisions when feeling depressed. I think the OP will be more able to find solutions when she's got some mental health support.

Thank you all. I rang midwives and they were closed so I left a message. I feel like a fool now because I broke down on the phone.
I think they will call me tomorrow.
I feel so tired.
Today everyone was asking about how it is. My mum only asks about it, never about me but that is the norm to be honest.
It gets hard to pretend.

I am tired

Thank you all, your support has been overwhelming

I am now worried they will put me into care or something and I will have to see a consultant or something and get time off work

Well done for calling the midwives and leaving a message. I hope they call you back tomorrow, will you be able to take the call at work?

How do you travel to midwife/GP appointments - are they close enough to walk or do you have to get a lift from your DH?

You need to talk to a professional about this and soon.

They won't put you into care (not quite sure what you mean by that or where you got the idea from, but they won't!)

You might need to take a bit of time off work to go to an appointment. But you are legally entitled to paid time off work for antenatal appointments. This is related to your pregnancy so it counts.

Your mental health is the most important thing and if you need to take a bit of time off to sort it out, that's ok.

Namechange I have seen the midwife so far at my GP surgery so I get lift from DH. I hope they call before I start work.
I am not going home until Thursday though because I am staying at a friend's in London to ease my commute this week as there are strikes. It will be nice to see a friend I think.
I am meeting another friend tomorrow that has had depression too and she understands so that will be nice.
Today I looked at the autumn colours and I felt a bit ok for a minute.
But the feelings towards the thing inside are so bad. I had to see and talk to children and babies at work and I kept hating it more and more.

I never understood mums that hated the babies when they were born. I couldnt get my head around that.

Now I can

I meant like in a hospital or something I dont know.

I think I did well today at work because in the morning I was in tears but then I did my job well. And I only cried when people werent looking.

What time do you start work? Unless you start late, I think it's very unlikely they will call before. Maybe you could try calling them in your break if you haven't heard from them yet?

I'm glad you're seeing a friend who is likely to be supportive tomorrow

However, I am concerned that you need to see a GP or midwife ASAP and if you're not going home until Thursday that's going to be tricky. Could you make a telephone appointment with your GP?

Cross-post.

TBH, it sounds as if you could do with taking some sick days from work. You need to see a GP/midwife and give yourself a bit of TLC.

I looked at GP appointments on line and booked one for Thursday eve in case I dont get to talk to midwife before then.

My GPs are not very nice but midwives are so I rather talk to them.

The thought of missing work fills me with anxiety. I dont like missing work and already I have been given time for scans and stuff. This also contributes to me resenting it. All the time off.

I most definitely cant miss work tomorrow as I am training new people and I cant go on Wednesday either.

I am so tired

Well done for booking the GP appointment for Thursday. I hope you can speak to a midwife before then.

The first step to recovering from depression is accepting that you're unwell and you have to stop and look after yourself. You are probably exhausted because you've been forcing yourself to work when you're not completely up to it. In some cases it can help to carry on, but in this cases it sounds like you could do with a breather.

Do what you have to do over the next few days, but please consider the impact of pushing on regardless - it could mean having to take even longer off work if you have a complete breakdown.

I'm glad you're seeing friends this week, hopefully it will be a help. Hopefully the midwives will call back tomorrow and speak to you. Don't be embarrassed about breaking down on the phone, they will be totally used to that sort of thing. Hopefully they will realise how important it is that you get some appropriate help.

Please try not to worry about work. Anything pregnancy related cannot be held against you, and if they're in any way decent people they will understand.

Would being able to drive address most of your fears about isolation? Are you learning in an automatic? I hated driving and took ages to learn, and now drive an automatic. It's made a world of difference and I almost enjoy driving now.

I recognise you from your threads yesterday. I know you've namechanged so I won't point out which but there's far more going on in your life than just this baby, but it concerns me that there were such strong feelings yesterday towards one aspect of your life and these have now been transferred to the baby you are carrying without a mention to what was crippling you yesterday, for which I have total sympathy for you in both cases.

I think you need help from your GP. You need to decide what to do with the issues you had yesterday and you need to decide what you want to do with this pregnancy, but ideally with the help of a professional who can offer you the support, be it counseling, medication or just someone to talk to, so that you know you are making a decision that will actually benefit you.

I worry that your feelings change so dramatically from day to day, which is symptomatic of depression but it means you can make really drastic decisions one day that you'll later regret. Get the help you need to make sure you are choosing what you will actually want next week.

I'm sorry you are struggling, there's so much going on and I'm sure the hormones don't help either.