I don't want this baby anymore

[Pinatubo07]

NC for this.
I am 23 weeks pregnant. This is all I ever wanted.
I tried to get DH excited during this pregnancy but he is so quiet.
Now I understand why.
It is just a source of worry and stress for us.
I have had 0 symptoms and a small bump, enough to say I never felt pregnant.
DH works his life away to get money for it. I cant even afford a winter coat as just using all the money I earn in saving it for it and paying for driving lessons. I should have passed by now.
I resent it. DH doesnt know but I have looked into terminating the pregnancy and this is the last week I could do it.
I am very unhappy with my life.
I used to have friends and now too tired / poor to see them.
I live in the middle of nowhere and I cant drive so I will be stuck with it.
I used to but I dont love this baby anymore.
I am not religious so please dont mention god or plans or anything like that.
I cant be this unhappy, waking up every morning is painful.
I am very familiar with depression so I know this is not the case. When I suffer from it I cant pinpoint the reason.
I can now. I had to stay in a job I hate for it, as it has a good maternity package.
I cant drive and my money need to go to it and soon wont be able to have more lessons.
I dont want it anymore

OP, as a former midwife you do sound very depressed and anxious. One of the obvious features is the overwhelming negativity without any possibility of anything every changing. You absolutely need to speak to your midwife or GP ASAP to start to access some help. And your dh, he will see something is wrong and want to help. Maybe he thinks you are upset about your driving test rather than the multiple other worries that have emerged?

Your living conditions don't sound very ideal for someone prone to depression and without transport, this needs proper discussion with your dh at some point. If he is away a lot and has transport he can't imagine what it is like.

The sudden consideration of a late termination isn't unique, more like a last chance to get free of these problems. Except of course that's not true. Get help and explore options because there are always options but getting medical and psychological help is your top priority right now.

I was awfully depressed during pregnancy, worse than ever before, and differently too. Please go see your GP and ask for help. It can only get better from here. You seem to have a lot of savings, £5k is a lot really, and baby won't need that much. Go second hand for things that you can :) Take a break from driving, like someone else said, use a taxi for a while instead. I don't think you're in a place where you will pass at the moment, so it's better to give it a break for now.

Sending love to you dear OP. It sounds like you may have pre-natal depression, which i suffered from. I had no excitement over the pregnancy, hated the changes to my body and a fear of the unknown. One thing to remember is that once it's out you have choices. Return to work early if you still feel the same, you can take whatever route you need to get your life back and things like moving or relocating may be an option. Do you have anyone that can come and help??? Or do some driving lessons and practice with you? Bear in mind that most of us are stuck at home for a while with a newborn so don't blame yourself for not passing your test! Xx

Oh OP, you poor thing, this is one of the saddest threads I have ever seen on here.

I think the clue is here, when you put "This is all I ever wanted". I suspect deep down it still is; you're just feeling understandably overwhelmed by practical things and hormones. Please talk to your GP. A termination of a much wanted pregnancy for non medical reasons at 23 weeks, if you could even get one, would haunt you for life, I think. The very fact that you are worried for the baby because you might be a shit mum says that in fact you would be a great mum!

I don't know if this is helpful or not, apologies if it's not, but you could always consider adoption if the baby arrives and you still feel this way. I don't think you will, and I think your DH would be very different once the baby is actually here, but it might ease your mind to think that there are many people out there who would be great parents if you decide that you can't be.

for you; I hope you are able to get some help and to feel better.

Op, this sounds like absolutely classic antenatal depression. Pregnancy hormones made me ABSOLUTELY CRAZY. it was awful. It's also really really common. I told my midwife, and was referred to perinatal mental health, and saw a therapist for the rest of my pregnancy and it helped so very much.

Your living situation doesn't sound ideal, I've lived somewhere like that and it's so very hard. But it's not the worst thing ever to be somewhere like that with a child. Maternity leave flies by so fast, and it will be so much fun for your child to have lots of open space around for long walks and playing together in a year or two. Maybe if you really hate it your DP could start looking for another job? Or arrange a house swap with someone? If he's a gamekeeper for example there might be other properties in the estate which are in town. I knew a gamekeeper who had a house right in town while the original gamekeepers cottage was a holiday let.

And you WILL manage to drive. Have you tried learning in an automatic transmission car instead for example? Some people find that easier, and used cars with auto boxes tend to be cheaper because most people want manual.

All of this is stuff that can change. Every day is a bit different from the day before, and you are never trapped.

This is only addressing one of your concerns, but are you on a bus route? Neither me nor partner drive and we live in a rural area, but I have found it much easier than I thought getting out and about with a baby by bus, especially using a sling not a buggy. We are also not very well off but are managing - babies don't have to be that expensive. Pretty much everything except cot mattress and carseat (for grandparents' car) we got handed down or bought secondhand.

Antenatal depression and anxiety (if that is what you have) can be horrible, but you will be a priority to get support as you are pregnant and there is a new regulation that they have to see you within a shorter time.

I don't have much to add but to echo everyone else., it's very normal to feel this way, women just don't talk about it.

Re the driving have you tried automatic only? Yes, you'd need to get an automatic car but it may make it easier for you? I think being isolated with a baby will be hard but driving will help. If not can you get taxis? Going to baby groups will be a lifeline and a great way to make friends.

Also Can you see if there are any pregnancy classes around? I did one called daisy that was all about breathing etc, but also a bit of pregnancy yoga and relaxation. It was a wonderful way to relax and helped in birth. It was on in an evening so hopefully you could get there?

See your midwife ASAP. You need to talk to them. It can be antenatal depression.
I got my license when I was 7 months pregnant with our first. You can still do it.

As soon as you can, contact your DH and speak to him, and make an appointment with your doctor.

The way you are fixating on your driving test as much as the pregnancy suggests that you may be under some mental strain and not able to see the wood for the trees.

Failing your driving test 6 times isn't a problem! My friend passed on his eighth attempt and he was/is in the motor trade!! Massive pressure to pass was his challenge, possibly similar to you (the pressure you're putting on yourself, not the job!). It may sound silly, but thinking that you're going to pass next time will really help. Positivity does wonders. You may not feel it right now, but you can do this. You will pass your driving test.
As for the pregnancy, I agree with pp. see your GP and get some advice. If you really don't want it, don't have it, but be sure. There are other options once you've had it too, you could give it up for adoption.

Good luck OP

OP.

It feels like a massive scary thing, but you're looking at everything all at once and you don't have to have all the answers in one go. There are things out there to help you. Talk to your midwife/GP and ask about e.g. getting registered with Homestart, where they will send people out to help you for a few hours a week, especially if you're in an isolated place. There's other stuff too, but please talk to your midwife/GP - they should know all about this sort of thing and be able to help you. There might be a community car scheme operating - there is in our isolated area, for people who don't have other transport (where we are you pay 30p a mile to use it).

It's a big change to your life, adjusting to pregnancy/baby arriving, and change is scary. It's okay to panic and freak out. Just try and remember you won't always feel this way, and do talk to your midwife/GP; and maybe even just phone the Samaritans for a chat (they're not just there for people feeling suicidal).

I have to agree that actually £5k is quite a lot of savings - many people don't have nearly that much.
And yes, you can get a lot of stuff for the baby from charity shops, freecycle (or whatever it's called now), ebay, family etc. I hardly paid for anything for my first baby, was given so much stuff, but I did pay out for a new cot mattress and bedding. What I spent out was still not even a 4-figure sum though; not even close!

But again - do speak to someone.

(To be clear, the community car scheme is where someone drives to you, picks you up and takes you there and back, not a "communal car").

OP I'm pregnant with number 3. DS1 put the fear of God in me during pregnancy, Ds2 pretty much the same but after the birth. But ya know I'm now very confident and happy as a mother. I passed my driving test after failing a few times when DS1 was a toddler. Baby number 3 is on the way and I have zero savings and low income as DH has started a new business. However I've found some lovely second hand bits and if I'm honest I regret wasting so much money with new stuff for first 2.

I too believe you may regret an abortion when your feeling better. I'm pro choice too but It sounds very much to me like your depressed atm and it's affecting your view.

Some mindfulness therapy. CBT, medication they will all help. I mean if isolation is a huge problem and effecting your MH couldn't you still work so many days a week and your DH drop a couple of days work. There are groups in place too, for vulnerable mothers who suffer depression. Volunteers who help out. Many students are on placement this way. Plus you could get funding for nursery fees if you need to work or for time for you.

Your thinking is catastrophic atm. We have all done it. All expectant mothers worry about life with a new baby. It's natural. But it sounds like you need bit of help. You have a while before your baby is due now is the time to make things better for you.

I felt absolutely terrified and panicky for the first 12 weeks of my first pregnancy. I couldn't believe I'd got myself into such a situation (despite baby being very much wanted and planned) and couldn't begin to imagine being a half decent mother to it. That baby is now a fabulous, funny toddler and I'm a pretty awesome (most of the time) mother, even if I do say so myself.

It sounds very much like you have have antenatal depression. It's as real as the - much more recognised and discussed - post natal depression and you should definitely discuss with your midwife or GP. It's nothing to be ashamed of - the combination of hormones and a huge impending lifestyle change are enough to scare anyone - but it does need to be addressed so you can move forwards with your baby. I truly, truly believe this will pass. You will come out the other side and believe me, you will love this little baby more than you ever thought possible.

After eight years of lessons, and being told by five different instructors that I would never be able to drive, I passed my test (in a manual car) when I was 38 weeks pregnant with my first child. You can do it.

I hope this does not sound like I am trivialising your difficulties, but are there any small things that you enjoy that you could try to do every day? Going for a walk? Listening to music? Reading a good book? Writing a blog? Just anything that you can look forward to.

You will be a fantastic Mum. The reality of a baby and being a parent is nothing like I imagined it would be.

You have already done a huge thing by acknowledging your feelings and difficulties.

I hope you are able to get some help very soon. You may not have met any of us on real life, but you have lots of people on here who are thinking of you and wishing you and your baby the very best.

Thank you everyone. Sorry I am at work so need to read messages properly.
But from some responses I read quickly:

We got married only 2 months ago so we have separate accounts.
I have these £5000 saved up for the baby and for my driving and for my citizenship app which will be all in total £2500, this Brexit thing has hit me hard too.

Moving is not an option as we live on site due to one of DH's jobs. We wont be moving ever as it is linked to his trade.

I think when I am at work and out of the house I feel better.
There I have nothing and nobody.

Commute yes, I get a lift from DH and then I take a train and then I take the tube. 4 hours and a half everyday.

Driving test I drive well but the test is too much just too much for me so I make mistakes and fail over and over.

Thank you all for all the support I am taking it all in and I will speak to someone. Is it midwife better that GP then?

I just dont love it. I resent it so much. It is my fault not its fault but I think I hate it.

Thank you all you are wonderful people thank you so much

Personally I think the GP would be better than the midwife, but it doesn't matter too much and the most important thing is that you talk to GP or midwife ASAP x

Oh OP, I really feel for you. I remember living in a rural location and feeling so isolated and miserable. It also seems a bit odd that your partner hasn't given you more reassurance about the financial situation. Even if you don't share finances, you do share a life, and I'd expect to share a common understanding of your financial position and life goals etc.

I think you are completely right to be continuing to try to pass your driving test. Once you can drive, you may find that it really helps you to get out more and meet people more easily.

If you've been so happy about this pregnancy, up until now, can you consider the possibility that this sudden change may be a hormonal thing or depression? With such a sudden change of heart (and previous happiness about this pregnancy and future) I'd just be worried about terminating without exploring the possibility of depression.

Has anything else changed in your life on a practical or emotional level?

It's honestly ok not to love your baby yet. At the moment it's more a concept than anything else. I'm pregnant with my second and as much as I'm thinking about him and nurturing him, I don't really know who he is until he's born. Until then he's a little stranger coming into our family! Having been through it once already I know I will love him more than life itself but it's just impossible to understand that connection until you meet your baby.

On top of that, depression utterly skews your view of the world and everything in it. Get yourself checked out (try and be really honest with your GP/Midwife about how you feel) and in the meantime, don't give yourself too hard a time.

I have a license but I'm definitely not as good a driver when pregnant - my reaction times are a lot slower. It sounds like learning is causing you stress - I'd give it a break for the moment. It might be worth looking into how much a local taxi company would charge for 1 or 2 trips a week. I suspect it'll actually cost less than the cost of more lessons, plus insuring yourself as a newly qualified driver, plus petrol - and that's assuming you wouldn't need to buy a 2nd car.

I'd also agree with all the other posters that you should speak to a gp or your midwife. My pregnancy notes have the mobile numbers of the local midwives, do yours?

You have ante-natal depression - see your GP. Focusing on everything negative is part of the problem. My DD had this and was just the same - she is very happy now. Don't keep it to yourself - go and get the help you need.

Dare I ask OP how the marriage is going? Because it seems like you have taken on all the worries when they could be shared. It also seems like a lot of your issues will still be there without baby in the mix.

Btw I just got a maternity coat off eBay for £6. A few small marks on it but it will keep me warm. For cheaper you can buy something called Zipusin which is a panel you add to your regular jacket. Great for using with baby in the sling too.

4 and a half hours commute everyday!
You must be shattered, that can't help how your feeling at all.

I agree 100% with a pp who said stop the driving lessons for a while and get taxis instead. Your too stressed about everything at the moment, try again in a year when everything has calmed down and I bet you'll have no troubles passing.

Take deep breaths and take it day by day.
Good luck with whatever you choose to do.

A lot of the problems you mention are logistical and there are practical solutions to them. Money for example - second hand is fine. I had no savings, none at all when I got pregnant by accident to an old friend (who also had no savings at all).

We have managed, with no reserves and not a lot of money at all. You can too. New mothers are marketed heavily to, but you really don't need most of that crap they're trying to sell you. When they're little babies need their mother, food (which also comes from you if you BF) and warmth.

But the practicalities aren't as important as how you're feeling about them. I think that's why you need to consider antenatal depression.

Then, longer term, if you really don't like the isolation, then you need to look at alternatives. Does your DH know how you feel about it?