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Pregnancy

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Original poster

Grandparent politics stress - seeing baby first

175 replies

TeaGirl3 · 05/10/2016 15:05

I'm sure many of you will resonate with this situation, but it's stressing me out. First world problems I know....

I'm 38 weeks now and just waiting for DC1 to arrive. It's the first grandchild for both sets of parents (my OH is an only child too), so everyone is particularly excited.

My dad has just called to say that my mum (and he) should be the first grandparents to see the new baby and they shouldn't play second fiddle. As I'm having the baby, he said My mum should be there first; particularly as she had complications with me when I was born.

Obviously I can't wait for my parents to see baby, but I know that my other half would naturally want his parents to visit first.

We had lots of parent politics when we got married and I just don't want it again, although I knew it would happen when we had a baby.

My dad said that I should tell my OH that it's what I want, rather than say it's what they want. I know this is incredibly selfish but I have no idea how to play it - and having a joint first visit is definitely not an option.

If you've had a similar situation, how did you tackle this?

This is making me stressed and upset, when I really don't need it. Thanks in advance.

OP posts:

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5moreminutes · 07/10/2016 13:26

My dad got himself involved in emotionally blackmailing me to have my mum to stay for an extended period after my DC was born and to make her feel she was being helpful and that I was grateful even though both of us knew she would not be helpful and we would wind one another up.

I have no idea why he feels the need to do this an how overtly my mother puts pressure on him to, but in hindsight it is something he did over things like Christmas for years and years before grandchildren even came along, so it doesn't surprise me your dad is doing this sadly.

I'd be interested to know what the messed up psychology behind the dynamic is but my dad has always tried to manipulate his children into doing / asking for / suggesting convoluted things we are at best ambivalent about and often actively don't want at all, in order to to please our mother whilst insisting we maintain the illusion that it's all coming from us.

I used to play along but it was bloody emotionally exhausting and in my early 30s I just saw through it all of a sudden and couldn't do it any more.

Now I've gone too far the other way and instead of pacifying and people pleasing and putting what I want behind what they want and pretending to be grateful for them making things stressful I call them out on the emotional black mail every time and say no (my mother invariably cries if the conversation is with her directly rather than following the convention of going through my dad... ) I wish there could be a normal middle ground but I seem unable to find it after all this time and won't go back to the mind games of the past.

Before I said just lie ... You could also call him out on what he is doing... It really depends whether this is part of a pattern. What I would absolutely not recommend is letting your father manipulate you into lying to your DH, which he has suggested! It will become an established method and escalate if you let him mess up your relationship with your husband and play mind games like that!

WankersHacksandThieves · 07/10/2016 13:48

Personally I don't think it matters as long as there is not an unreasonable gap between the two visits or that one set of parents is invited and the other isn't.

In my case my Mum came first as DHs mum lived further away was more elderly and didn't have transport. We went to visit DHs mum as soon as I got out of hospital but my Mum had already been to hospital so didn't get a visit from us until later in the week.

That seemed fair and we'd have done the same in reverse if the situation was the other way round and DH's mum was able to visit and mine wasn't

Asuitablemum · 07/10/2016 13:59

I think that you should do want you want to do completely. That said if you would like to see your parents first then I think that this is the one time when you get to choose! As you will be delivering the baby I would say that your choice wins. And it may make your life easier to just go with it this time too.

SandyY2K · 07/10/2016 14:01

You know this kind of interference and pressure from parents, is what can indirectly lead to marital problems. At the end of the day the baby is equally a product of mum and dad, yet this attitude of your dad's makes it seem like the baby is more yours than your DHs.

Be careful that this doesn't create a disconnect between you and DH.

SandyY2K · 07/10/2016 14:06

And just because your mum had a difficult birth, doesn't mean that you will. And even if you do ...you have the medical staff and your DH there for you.

toptoe · 07/10/2016 14:17

This is your dad's problem and best to be ignored, especially his little sprinkling of guilt regarding your mum's birth story. That's not your problem to solve, it's hers. Your labour has nothing to do with your mum's labour experience and you are not a tool to solve your parents' issues, neither is your child. Like sandy said, focus on your dh. It's your relationship that matters most here.

shovetheholly · 07/10/2016 15:35

Jesus, they all sound so unbelievably childish. I feel really sorry for you dealing with this.

Rainbunny · 07/10/2016 18:02

OP I understand that this is a stressful (and exciting!) time for you but you are an adult and you need to be able to tell your parents that they are behaving badly.This is a baby, a HUMAN BEING coming into the world who they will see and have a relationship with for years and years as will the other GPs. This is not an acceptable excuse to jockey for first visiting rights. As others have said- they need to grow up!

Congratulations!

LookMoreCloselier · 07/10/2016 18:14

With our first, it was both grannies at the same time and then both grandads, oh and then aunties - all into the room I had given birth in . With our second, the ILs were first to visit, just the way it worked out, I don't think anyone was really so arsed about who visits when that time haha.

MonkeysMum585 · 07/10/2016 19:06

My parents were exactly the same trying to dictate everything and we just agreed but then didn't tell anyone when I went in to hospital to be induced.
The first people knew was when our DS had safely arrived, and then both sets of grandparents arrived the next day to meet him.
When it comes down to it, they won't care (and shouldn't be mithering you if they do) as long as they get to meet the baby and have cuddles etc.
It worked for us because both sets of our parents live 150 miles away so they only knew what we told them - not sure what we will do if we have another though as childcare will be an issue then!

ILoveDolly · 07/10/2016 19:08

I think you should just leave it now, then talk with your husband after the baby is born and then tell both sets of parents what arrangement is best for you two and the new baby. Maybe you'll feel like visitors straight away or maybe not. What you don't need now or later is petty grandfather power struggles which for nobody any good

MummyTheGregor · 07/10/2016 19:17

Gah - you poor thing - parents can be a bit mental!!
Tell your dad that you'll sort out visits when the baby arrives then get your DH to organise on your behalf when you're in hospital.

Chrissiejo · 07/10/2016 19:18

My in laws were a nightmare and not only did they come first they then crashed my side's first visit!

NotYoda · 07/10/2016 19:31

I don't think I'd embark on thinking about under the pressure of a man being such a dick as your dad is being. I think he's your problem, and I wonder if he always has been.

Molehillfromamountain · 07/10/2016 19:32

Hopefully when the time comes they all realise it doesn't matter one bit who meets baby first. DS was born at home in the middle of the night, my Dad came to watch DD in case she woke up or we had to transfer. He held him at less than an hour old. My mum was ill so didn't meet him for a week. DHs mum doesn't drive and lives far away so waited 2 weeks. Nobody was /is bothered!

buttercup54321 · 07/10/2016 19:33

How childish. Toss a coin to decide. xx

Sara107 · 07/10/2016 19:35

Do you even have to tell either set whether the other set have visited yet? Say no visitors in hospital, and that you'll call as soon as you feel able to invite them round ( after a day or 2 at home). Then invite one lot on one day and another lot the next day, and don't be drawn into discussions about whether they're first or second.

GrandMarmoset · 07/10/2016 19:38

You are still your parents' baby and they will very anxious, waiting for you to get through labour. (All parents worry, as you may already be finding out) I think it is only natural for the maternal grandparents to see you first. Everyone else will be centred on the baby, whereas your parents'first need, despite being excited about the baby, will be to see you're ok with their own eyes. Best of luck.

redskytonight · 07/10/2016 19:42

OP I think you might be my long lost sister as this is actually the sort of stuff my parents pull. At one point I swear my mother was keeping a count of how many minutes the other grandparents had visited for so that she could claim unfairness.

The only answer I've found is simply not to tell my parents anything relating to my in-laws. Frankly, how will they know whether or not they are 1st or 2nd unless you tell them?

And definitely don't tell them when you are in labour ....

Cutiespie · 07/10/2016 19:43

I had something similar tbh and the easiest thing to do was to pretend to both sides they are the first to visit easy to do if they are visiting separately and with all the excitement no one questioned it afterwards and we posted on social media the photos of the gp visits at the same time and no one was any wiser and we were stress free , so a tiny deception helps us all get what we wanted.

hearthattack · 07/10/2016 19:47

I agree that your dad (and it sounds like both sets of parents frankly) are being ridiculous. It's not what's important and what you want in the moment should be key.

That said, when my sisters had their babies my mum was surprised to find that her primary concern was the health and wellbeing of her daughter. Only when she knew this was ok was she gagging for a cuddle with her grandchild. So, given that it's you and your body that is going through childbirth (and it sounds like your mum had a rough time of it herself) her urgency might be to see you and know you're ok, rather than have first dibs on GC in some petty bun fight.

For that reason, if my mum were still alive when my DS was born, I'd have had her there first.

But the important thing here is that it's down to YOU.

gribak · 07/10/2016 19:51

Seriously - put your foot down and start telling them what YOU want, otherwise the whole thing will start with Christmas - who do you spend it with, birthdays - who gives the best present etc etc
I have friends who started to dread Christmas each year with the tug of war over who was seeing the grandkids - so eventually a lot of them have spent xmas day on their own and seen family on another day.
Parents on both sides should be thinking of your health and wellbeing, not stressing you out in your last weeks of pregnancy!!

voddiekeepsmesane · 07/10/2016 19:58

You ring them at the same time ....this could be straight away or after a few hours depending on when you are ready to accept visitors. Then they make their way to the hospital. NO ONE has a right over the other apart from you and DH

voddiekeepsmesane · 07/10/2016 20:03

Having read the thread the same rule applies when you get home you let them know when you are ready to have them visit home at the same time IMO

dailymaillazyjournos · 07/10/2016 20:07

YY to saying you want to be flexible and see how you're feeling at the time. DD said she wanted a few days for her DSIL AND DGD to just be together as a little family, before grandparents came and ask if I'd be offended. I said she isn't t to concern herself with anyone else and just to do what she felt was right for her and DSIL. But the birth and following night was v stressful and she phoned and asked if she could change her mind and could I come down straight away. So I did that. It's best not to have anything written in stone I think. It's not fair for your DF to dictate what's to happen. You are the one having a baby. You need to put yourself first.

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