Grandparent politics stress - seeing baby first

[TeaGirl3]

I'm sure many of you will resonate with this situation, but it's stressing me out. First world problems I know....

I'm 38 weeks now and just waiting for DC1 to arrive. It's the first grandchild for both sets of parents (my OH is an only child too), so everyone is particularly excited.

My dad has just called to say that my mum (and he) should be the first grandparents to see the new baby and they shouldn't play second fiddle. As I'm having the baby, he said My mum should be there first; particularly as she had complications with me when I was born.

Obviously I can't wait for my parents to see baby, but I know that my other half would naturally want his parents to visit first.

We had lots of parent politics when we got married and I just don't want it again, although I knew it would happen when we had a baby.

My dad said that I should tell my OH that it's what I want, rather than say it's what they want. I know this is incredibly selfish but I have no idea how to play it - and having a joint first visit is definitely not an option.

If you've had a similar situation, how did you tackle this?

This is making me stressed and upset, when I really don't need it. Thanks in advance.

[neolara]

I would tell your df not to be so ridiculous, and if he or your mum tries to impose any more ridiculous requests to do with your baby, you and your dh will have to think carefully about how much time you'll be spending with them.

[CocoLoco87]

And then could you possibly arrange to have a get together of both sets of parents somewhere else, so that you can drop in and visit with baby so they all meet at the same time. And more importantly, you can leave at any point.

This^

You might not feel like being out and about so soon but could you and your parents go to where in laws are staying? That way you and DH are not having to host, in laws have a special role and your parents get to meet baby too, but DF can't be too controlling as he's a guest?

Congratulations on your pregnancy and I hope all goes well for you!

[T1mum3]

I think you would be reasonable to want your mum to visit you soon after the birth, if that's what your feeling like at the time.

[SpecialStains]

Just don't tell them when you go into labour and invite everyone round once you are at home.

I categorically said I didn't want people coming to the hospital, and said we'd call once I was out so people could arrange visits. I was out of hospital 6 hrs after birth.

Family don't live close and I wanted my first night back at home after 3 days of induction/labour to be quiet and restful, not full of house guests.

[Joinourclub]

This sort of behaviour isn't uncommon unfortunately. Parents look forward for years to becoming grandparents , fantasising about Christmas with children again, having them to stay, wheeling them about town showing them off to their friends, etc, and forget that there will be another set of equally excited and important grandparents! Don't stand for any nonsense tight from the start, make sure your parents know that they aren't 'top' grandparents. You are perhaps going to have to stand up to them more than you have in the past.

[rollonthesummer]

I can't believe your dad would phone up and make such demands!

[Me624]

Demands are unhelpful. However if you're anything like me, you'll want your mum after you've just been through childbirth, one of the most exhausting and possibly traumatic experiences of your life. My DS was born at 9.30pm and I didn't get to the ward until about 2am. DH had to go home and wasn't allowed back in until 8.30am, I felt so alone and scared that night! Visiting hours for everyone other than partners was 2pm onwards and my mum and dad came to visit first. DH's parents came at the same time but waited until I'd had half an hour with my parents first because I just wanted to see my mum and have a cry and a hug!

[grannytomine]

I have 3 grandchildren and had to think really hard about who saw baby first. Think it went like this, first GC was seen by my DILs parents first. Her mother demanded to be at the birth, she hates my son and he said OK if that's what you want but it won't work with both of us being there. DIL chose my son to be there but her mother saw baby soon after.
Second one I saw first but only briefly as I had been looking after the older one and was returning him. Third one other DILs mother was there for the birth. I can't imagine anyone making a fuss, surely you go with what the parents want.

[MrsMcMoo]

What is wrong with these people who can't put the needs of a new mother before their own? So selfish.

[Helmetbymidnight]

Your dad is a twat. Unless he's 5 yrs old, and then he's quite cute.

[sleepwhatsleep]

It sounds pathetic to be honest. It sounds like they're being deliberately competitive. So long as they see the baby does it really matter if they were 2nd? How does it affect them?

It's wierd what babies do to families. I've just had my first, and one set of grandparents live close by and the other a 4 hour journey away. Guess which set thought it reasonable to demand we drive to visit them within the first few weeks?

[annandale]

Sounds like your mum has been moaning saying things to him, perhaps remembering your birth and expressing fear, and he thinks he's being helpful.

That's as nice as I can be about it; it's really ridiculous and close to unforgivable that he's given you this to worry about in your current situation!

I would stop worrying and refuse to engage. If he says anything else about it, just say 'Oh I thought you were joking, obviously you wouldn't be so ridiculous as to put a pregnant woman under stress by competitive nonsense' and change the subject. It will be fine.

[JugglingFromHereToThere]

I would let my parents visit first, after I was home from hospital, and OH's the next day. In fact that is what we did both times. Then grandparents and sibs. It wasn't that there was a hierarchy exactly, it just naturally seemed to fall into place that way.
It sounds like it matters a bit to your parents, hopefully it won't matter two hoots so much to your OH and his parents?
Best wishes for the birth and early days x

[kiki22]

We both have divorced parents so it was awkward but we told both sets of parents to come and suck it up our mums came our dads didn't. Second baby my mum came then mil and her partner (papa) later this was purely due to work times if he had been born at a different time of day it would have been the other way around.

[KitKats28]

There is no way on earth I would let anyone visit in hospital. I've never had a baby in hospital, but I have been in a few times and enjoyed the peace and slobbing around in a hospital gown with my arse hanging out. Not a chance of making myself presentable for visitors.

I had both of mine at home, and my mum came to stay for two weeks both times. Both sets of parents live a long way from us. As my parents and in laws aren't particularly keen on each other, my in laws came the morning after I gave birth, to get it over with. Then my mother came the next day. My dad is uncomfortable around bodily functions like feeding and bleeding so he came at the end of the two weeks to pick my mum up and see the babies.

Thankfully my inlaws were sensitive enough to realise that I would want my mum there at first. We then went to stay with them for a week after my parents had left to allow them time with the baby. Luckily both sets of parents realise that grandparenting is not a competition and they know I would have put my foot down hard on any twattery.

[Notonthestairs]

On the list of things for you to be thinking about right now this should be pushed waaaaaaaay down the list.

Remind them that it will make no difference to your baby who sees them first. Presumably they wont love your baby less for being the 2nd or the 7th person to lay eyes on him/her.

I have a friend who had to lie (and maintain the lie) that one set of grandparents saw the baby first. It put entirely unnecessary stress on my friend at a point where she should have just been focused on her own recuperation and her baby.

[normage]

What a nightmare for you when you should just be looking forward to the birth of your baby. This is something I have experienced with my milaw ever since I was pregnant with my first child. She has always been very jealous, especially of my Mum and I have done my best to reassure her and always included her in anything the kids were doing. Sadly, though, despite my best efforts and reassurances, it has built up over the years. Every now and again, we have an awkward chat about it and I try as gently as I can to tell her how her behaviour affects things. She says she's sorry, she knows it's a problem for us and will try. Then it's okay for a short while, before it builds up again.
So, op. you're at a pivotal point in this. I think your dad is wrong to pressurise you to say it's what you want. He needs to understand this is a really special time for you and his demands simply aren't fair and ultimately will spoil his relationship with everyone involved.

[SandyY2K]

I'm amazed that a parent would put this kind of pressure on a child and infer that he and your mum are the more important Grandparents.

None are more important than the other, despite who sees the child first. It's as though your dad wants to use it as a win over the other grandparents. How very childish and immature.

Just be assertive and put a stop to this as your baby gets older. Otherwise it will be "we have l to see DGC first on the birthday etc".

It's shocking behaviour. Where does seeing the DGC second mean you're second fiddle? What a shame he can't be as mature as his age and stop seeing it as a competition.

[WitteryTwittery]

We had this same thing. I couldn't be bothered and couldn't care less who saw baby first so sent all the family a text announcement to let them know, and said "we will be home today from 6pm, all visitors welcome whenever!", and then just left it up to them to see who turned up first!

[INeedNewShoes]

I just find this incredible behaviour on your father's part.

I am sorry that you are in this position. I would tell your father to stop being so bloody ridiculous, and I would say the same to the in laws if they raise it as an issue as well.

They're not setting off on a very good footing are they? Competitive grandparenting is just ugh.

[Ledkr]

How weird are people?
My own mil went bloody crazy when dd was born, totally put her own desires before any of us and ruined our relationship permanently!

I am a mil to two dils and felt nothing but relief when my two grabs children were born safely and mums were well.
I was very happy to wait to be asked to visit and more than happy to accept that they might want their mums first before me. I certainly felt no competition to see the baby before others. I find that very odd, as if it makes any difference to anybody least if all the baby fgs.
So annoying

[QueenLizIII]

It depends who you are more comfortable with.

I sawmy sisters children before her DHs side of the family did. But they lvied further away and also she was entirely comfortable with me seeing her with her nightie pulled up, trying to breastfeed. She even showed me her new CS scar with the second one and her catheter.

She wouldnt have wanted her DHs family seeing that.

But your mum sounds like an arse. She wants to be first just becasue.

They have both had their children already. They can both fuck off and wait for their invitation.

[grannytomine]

I don't see anything about your ILs putting pressure one, don't know if I missed it? If this is all coming from your dad I really don't think its fair to be blaming ILs as some people seem to be doing. I'd tell your dad that if he keeps this up they won't be getting an invite at all.

Not everyone wants to see their mum first, some mums aren't great so although that is what alot of people want it doesn't mean its right for everyone.

[Lunde]

All this makes me happy to have given birth in a Swedish hospital that restricted visiting to DH/DP and siblings

[marriednotdead]

I was lucky enough to be at the birth of my DGS simply because DD and her DP wanted me there. I didn't hold him that evening at all because they wanted it to be their initial bonding time, which I totally respected. The next day all GPs visited and got our cuddles. No fighting although her MIL can get a little territorial.
He's the first GC on both sides and there are siblings, friends etc so there were many visitors. They made the decision to allow people every other day (set up a calendar!) and made it clear that a max of half an hour per visit was long enough. That way, they could spend all day in their PJs resting/getting breastfeeding established etc. 3 years on she still says it was the perfect way to manage the early days