Grandparent politics stress - seeing baby first

[TeaGirl3]

I'm sure many of you will resonate with this situation, but it's stressing me out. First world problems I know....

I'm 38 weeks now and just waiting for DC1 to arrive. It's the first grandchild for both sets of parents (my OH is an only child too), so everyone is particularly excited.

My dad has just called to say that my mum (and he) should be the first grandparents to see the new baby and they shouldn't play second fiddle. As I'm having the baby, he said My mum should be there first; particularly as she had complications with me when I was born.

Obviously I can't wait for my parents to see baby, but I know that my other half would naturally want his parents to visit first.

We had lots of parent politics when we got married and I just don't want it again, although I knew it would happen when we had a baby.

My dad said that I should tell my OH that it's what I want, rather than say it's what they want. I know this is incredibly selfish but I have no idea how to play it - and having a joint first visit is definitely not an option.

If you've had a similar situation, how did you tackle this?

This is making me stressed and upset, when I really don't need it. Thanks in advance.

[JassyRadlett]

Honestly? I'd refuse to engage, and let them know in advance that you're not going to countenance discussion of who is/was first.

They ask 'are we the first to meet the baby?', you answer 'Dad, I told you I'm not going to engage on that subject. Now do you want to meet the baby or do you want to focus on competitive irrelevant nonsense?'

But my tolerance levels are quite low.

[ConvincingLiar]

Your dad is being childish and selfish. You need to nip this in the bud. I'd consider making him last out of principle. If PIL are behaving reasonably I'd let them come first or just leave it to chance.

As there's a fair chance you would have wanted to see your parents first (and you are the patient) he should have kept his big gob shut.

[IminaPickle]

It's completely normal to have the woman's parents visiting first. As pp have mentioned it's their DD who has just been through childbirth.
But your dad really is being an arse.
I can't even tell you who saw mine first!

[Hefezopf]

Good grief poor you OP. This is ridiculous behaviour from your dad. Please do set some boundaries now and refuse to engage further.

[PigletWasPoohsFriend]

Good grief poor you OP. This is ridiculous behaviour from your dad.

I agree and if you don't stop it now it will continue. Birthdays, Christmas etc etc

[Oysterbabe]

Tell them all to grow the fuck up.
Or lie, pretend that they were both first. Are they likely to speak to each other and find out?

[Blu]

Bloody hell, OP, you are being staked out on all sides: have the IL already arrived for this several week's holiday stay ?

I think you need to tell your Dad that you can't wait to introduce your baby to them, but first and foremost this is about you and you having a baby and that any pressure or tension around competitive visiting mean you don't want them anywhere near you. Tell him and your Mum that it is about them having a relationship with the baby, not about a competitive relationship with the ILs and you are not prepared to cause upset in your marriage by playing along with manipulative subterfuge.

That they will be grandparents for LIFE, that they will live locally to the child and you do t want the first days of your newborn marred by tension and rowing and you will ban anyone form the house who introduces it.

Have this conversation calmly and firmly now, and then focus on YOU. YOU having your Mum, on her own, to visit, is a reasonable things to do. IF that is what you want.

Does your Mum know your Dad said that to you? Has she put him up to it?

Active, supportive, loving, engaged, keen grandparents are a good thing, something to be thankful for.

However, your Dad's behaviour is manipulative, emotional bullying.

[TeaGirl3]

Wow, thank you everyone for all your comments, I'm overwhelmed by the response to this and am so grateful for the advice!

Having now slept on this and read your comments, here is how I see things now:

1. Only my OH will be with me in hospital, no other visitors
   
2. We'll only have visitors when baby and I are ready (and OH of course)
   
3. We will not make any set plans until baby is here safe and well, as we don't know what will happen
   
4. No matter who sees baby first, it will be the first time for each set of GPs when they see baby, so it will be special regardless - and seeing baby "second" won't make baby love them any more or less
   
5. I will have the overall decision about who visits first, as I'm the patient and have gone through the most traumatic and emotional experience of my life, so I should see who I want to and choose who will give me the most comfort. It's more about me being comforted, rather than people just coming to see the baby.
   

My in laws are travelling down today., so I'll see them this weekend.

Thanks again everyone for your advice; I really appreciate it!

[Nikki2ol6]

We had a lot of people wanting to see the baby and they were arguing about being in the delivery room!! In the end "I" decided it would just be me and OH, then they could visit once I got moved onto the ward but only my mum and his mum first, (neither of u have dads, mine died and his walked out of his life years ago) so they were all happy with that, or rather not happy but settled for it because I said that's how it is

[YesILikeItToo]

Arrange a challenge race. On leaving hospital, have all the grandparents transported by helicopter to the top of the Old Man of Hoy. First to knock your door gets to see the baby first. Others get a fiddle as a booby prize.

[PlinkPlonkPlunk]

We went for Grannies first, then Grandas. They all arrived together, so it was Grannies in for about 5 mins, then Grandas for 5 mins and after that I can't remember what happened, but I think my parents came in together for photos and then the ILs. My parents weren't at all bothered about being first, but MIL is very precious about that kind of thing, and I was determined that she shouldn't just dictate everything (as she normally does).

[PigletWasPoohsFriend]

If it is your parents that see you first, you need to not leto your DF gloat or see it as a 'victory'

[Lunar1]

I would honestly let them all come to the hospital together. That's what I did. The whole visit was just under an hour, there were no hurt feelings and if there there was a sign it was getting to much the midwife could sort it.

People tend to hang round much longer when there in your home.

[ohdearme1958]

If you do the grannies in together, then the grandads, they'll be a competition as to which granny and grandad hold the baby first.

I have 6 grandchildren and I'm glad we managed to avoid these shenanigans. Not that I can recall how we did it.

[user1471495191]

We said no visits at the hospital. Just time for me and DH with baby. We then said we wanted to bring DC1 home alone to enjoy the moment as a family of three. My parents pushed and pushed and wanted to sit outside the hospital 'just in case' In the end, they stayed close by and both sets of parents arrived about the same time, shortly after we arrived home.

[IsItJustFuck1ngMe]

Ridiculous and very controlling. Does your Father not understand you have a little more to deal with than his and your DM's posturing and jostling for position?

If you capitulate on this youre making a rod for your back on all sorts of firsts .... eg first dibs on babysitting, First Christmas, First School play, First Birthday Party etc etc etc.

And to have him putting words in your mouth to defend how out of order he is being is completely offside and needs to grow up. I'm sorry you DM had complications, but to me its somewhat irrelevant and a while ago.... just sounds like emotional manipulation to exert leverage.

No, you don't need the stress.

[JosephineMaynard]

Your plan sounds sensible.

Your father sounds like he's behaving more like a 5 yr old than a grown adult. My knees jerk reaction would be to tell him that he'll be seeing the baby last if he keeps carrying on like that, but that's probably not helpful.

Both times my parents saw my DC before PILs did, but this was because my parents live a lot closer to us than PILs, so PILs had to organise accommodation and travel first, whereas my parents just had a quick drive from their home to the hospital.

[theowlwhowasafraidofthedark]

OP, the birth won't necessarily be traumatic
Good luck

[beela]

Agreed, it won't necessarily be traumatic and you might not need comforting - you might just want to show off your new baby

I'd just go with the flow and tell your dad to chill out a bit.

[sidonie1]

I have a lovely but matriarchal MIL who came hours after I'd had a third degree tear and the midwife was in two minds as to whether to allow them in. Wish I'd been a bit more assertive and thought about what I wanted. Great to think through now and decide what you want.

Parents and in laws have no right to be trying emotional blackmail on you, esp when you have other more important things to be thinking about.

[Flingmoo]

I don't really understand this desire to see the baby 'first'... Why does it matter what order people see a baby in?! The baby isn't going to change within a day. Being the first grandparent to lay eyes on a grandchild doesn't endow anyone with magical properties or secure a lifelong bond...! What's the point?!

[Mybeardeddragonjustdied2016]

Tell them
A: family bus trips to the ward are cancelled until further notice
B: only the ones who were present at the conception can fight over the baby.
C: tell them being a gp is a privilege not a given.

[5moreminutes]

Just lie and tell them both they are First - How will they know unless they overlap?

[Sunnydawn]

Love the thought of a race.

Maybe an obstacle course in the local area would be fun.

Only thing I would add is that, the most clingy and keen grandparent in our family is the one that the dcs are not actually that bothered about (although they are far too well mannered to say). The others are adored, simply because they have always felt more relaxed around them.

[madgingermunchkin]

Personally, if it were me, I would tell my father that any more messages like that, and he'll be lucky to ever meet any of his grandchildren.

And then could you possibly arrange to have a get together of both sets of parents somewhere else, so that you can drop in and visit with baby so they all meet at the same time. And more importantly, you can leave at any point.