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Pregnancy

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Original poster

Grandparent politics stress - seeing baby first

175 replies

TeaGirl3 · 05/10/2016 15:05

I'm sure many of you will resonate with this situation, but it's stressing me out. First world problems I know....

I'm 38 weeks now and just waiting for DC1 to arrive. It's the first grandchild for both sets of parents (my OH is an only child too), so everyone is particularly excited.

My dad has just called to say that my mum (and he) should be the first grandparents to see the new baby and they shouldn't play second fiddle. As I'm having the baby, he said My mum should be there first; particularly as she had complications with me when I was born.

Obviously I can't wait for my parents to see baby, but I know that my other half would naturally want his parents to visit first.

We had lots of parent politics when we got married and I just don't want it again, although I knew it would happen when we had a baby.

My dad said that I should tell my OH that it's what I want, rather than say it's what they want. I know this is incredibly selfish but I have no idea how to play it - and having a joint first visit is definitely not an option.

If you've had a similar situation, how did you tackle this?

This is making me stressed and upset, when I really don't need it. Thanks in advance.

OP posts:

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GrumpyDullard · 05/10/2016 15:49

Like you, DD1 was first DGC on both sides and exH was an only child and adopted, so DD was a really big deal for DMiL.
I didn't want to see anyone until I left hospital (in for 2 nights after post-birth surgery). DMiL was threatening to come to the hospital and demand to see the baby. Fortunately, exH was smart enough not to tell me this until afterwards! DMiL did see DD first, once we got home but still complained about being made to wait 2 days!
My DM came the next day. She was very relaxed about it and happy to take a step back to keep the peace and not stress me out. It doesn't matter who's first. My DD is now much closer to my DM not least because DMiL is a crazy lady
I suggest you get your DH to sort out who visits when, making sure you're not put under any stress, and you just focus on yourself and your baby.

Original poster

TeaGirl3 · 05/10/2016 15:51

Good plan Grumpy.

Thanks everyone!

OP posts:

StubbleTurnips · 05/10/2016 15:53

BIL settled this on their side by having a sibling visit first, took the wind out of both sets of parents sails that did!

MrEBear · 05/10/2016 16:05

Despite your Dads attitude I do actually think your mum should get to see you first.
She is probably going to be the one who is most worried and concerned about YOU and your welfare. It doesn't matter who sees baby first but you are her baby, she isn't going to chill / enjoy the moment until she sees her baby is ok.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 05/10/2016 16:08

She is probably going to be the one who is most worried and concerned about YOU and your welfare.

So the OPs mum can see the OP on her own then all the grandparents see the baby together. Sorted.

crayfish · 05/10/2016 16:12

On the plus side, this is a nice problem to have really. My parents have never seen my son because they don't speak to me (we don't speak to each other really but it is certainly a two-way thing) and nobody who came to the hospital after I had him was concerned about my welfare apart from DH. If you try and see this in a positive light it's that your parents are just very excited about seeing this baby and will be very worried about you while you are having it.

Not that you shouldn't establish firm boundaries and do it early, but I suppose I wish my son had another set of grandparents who gave enough of a shit to pull this kind of thing!

Original poster

TeaGirl3 · 05/10/2016 16:15

Thanks MrEBear, piglet and crayfish! Very helpful advice and I hadn't thought of it like that.

OP posts:

PatriciaHolm · 05/10/2016 16:18

I'd be inclined to tell him he's now last on the list because of that phone call. If he has form, then it's just the beginning of it - wanting to be the ones who make the first birthday cake, share the first Christmas, etc. He needs to realise that stamping his foot and saying "ME" gets him nowhere....

adorabell · 05/10/2016 16:23

If having both set of parents at your's will be so stressful book a table at your local pub, tell both to meet you at X time. Make it clear that both you and new baby will go to sleep when you get home, so no, they can't come back this time, sorry.

Cherylene · 05/10/2016 16:24

I agree that your DM just wants to make sure everything is all right as soon as possible. Your DF is going about enabling it in an arsey way.

I would get your DH to ring your DM and arrange a visit, after the DB is born, but not tell her you are going into hospital, unless you have been there a day already......... then she can see your are OK.

Are your IL's being competitive about it?

As others have said, hospital visiting times and limits are useful for getting people to come for short visits at set times

AyeAmarok · 05/10/2016 16:25

There are two ways to look at this I guess.

Who gets to see the BABY first.

And who you, as a patient who has just gone through a fairly traumatic ordeal, would want to see first.

The midwife in our NCT classes asked us if our mum's would be present at the birth and one or two said they would,along with their partners. Midwife started questioning them on whether that was "fair" and saying "would you let your MIL be at the birth?".

Which is totally different IMO. Generally, your MIL likes you, maybe loves and cares about you but her priority will be her son and her grandchild. Whereas your own mum's priority will be you (and/then the grandchild).

I'd want my mum to come and see me when I look a bleeding, torn, mess because she could support me. I wouldn't want my MIL there at that stage.

Your dad sounds hard work though OP.

lizzieoak · 05/10/2016 16:27

What a bizarre thing to get competing over! Does the first set of grandparents get to capture the baby's spirit with their eyes, thus excluding the other grandparents for life? I can not fathom kicking up a fuss over this. Just, ... No words.

I do think the poster upthread is right in that the way you deal with this sets the tone going forward. If you're up to you or dp putting your foot down, that's the ideal.

CalmItKermitt · 05/10/2016 16:32

Bonkers!

OlennasWimple · 05/10/2016 16:34

Tell them you aren't making any firm plans until you know when you and your new baby will be ready for visitors. (And make it clear you will not be guilt tripped into agreeing priority orders )

Tell the hospital that you don't want any visitors except for your husband

Invite your best friend to come and meet the baby first

Lapinlapin · 05/10/2016 16:45

It's crazy to be so competitive over it!

Another thought though is why not let them all come to the hospital? That way they all get to see the baby quickly, but it will only be a short visit. I'm lucky that both sets of grandparents are reasonable people, but they were all there within an hour of dc1 being born. I know it's not for everyone, but I was actually on high after the birth and happy to show off my gorgeous baby to the world. Grandparents were happy to see baby but the visit was only short because they obviously couldn't stay long in the delivery room.

Also lots of people have 'baby blues' about 3 days after the birth when your hormones go haywire! For me, that's the time I'd want to be at home with just my partner without having to entertain loads of visitors. If you do a quick visit early on to keep everyone happy, then you can plan subsequent visits depending on how you feel.

seven201 · 05/10/2016 16:48

Bloody hell. How old is your dad - 9? Do what you want and sod everyone else.

Chinnygirl · 05/10/2016 17:07

Do they speak to eathother? Can't you tell both sets that they are the first when they are there?

Although I'd probably call my brother first if I was in that situation.

MrEBear · 05/10/2016 18:17

AyeAmarok what a crazy view from your MW has. Who a woman wants to support her is her choice sod all to do with fairness.

My view might be coloured by both sets of parents arriving at the first visit session. Only one pair bothered to ask how I was feeling. If I could turn the clock back I would only have one lot at afternoon visit and one lot can wait until evening.

ImperialBlether · 05/10/2016 18:23

I think the parents of the person giving birth should go in first (all things being equal) as their concern is for their daughter. If my son's partner had a baby I would certainly not kick up a fuss about going in first. In the end, though, the relationship with the grandchildren doesn't depend on who saw that child first.

PerspicaciaTick · 05/10/2016 18:27

Your dad is being ridiculous.
The important bit is that this is the first time that they (GPs) have met your baby - that meeting is the life changing moment for them.
How many people will have met the baby before them is immaterial. Are they being equally competitive about the midwives, doctors, HCPs, Bounty lady, ear test lady, cleaners, students and other assorted people who may (or may not) meet your baby before them? No. He has picked on your ILs for no logical reason at all. So what if the ILs meet the baby first - is he suggesting that your gorgeous new baby will be less adorable and wonderful just because the ILs had first sight?

Honestly - limit the visit time to 20 mins each and tell them that it is first come first served.

If he can't behave himself - tell him he'll be demoted to the end of the list after your neighbours and the man who works on the checkout in Tesco.

abbsismyhero · 05/10/2016 18:31

Sort it out amongst yourselves for when I get home

Then you decide if you open the door

sycamore54321 · 06/10/2016 00:17

If your dad does raise it again, ask him very seriously why it matters if the other grandparents see the baby ahead of him. Your baby will be fortunate to have four living grandparents, each of whom will (or should) be delighted at meeting him or her. Can your dad genuinely say he will treasure meeting your child less, or be less excited or love him/her less or have less vivid memories of that magical moment because the other grandparents happened to visit first? Tell hi. He is stressing you out with nonsense and he needs to keep his childish competition well away from you.

KittyWindbag · 06/10/2016 06:12

Is it really terrible that I would MUCH rather see my parents before I see my in-laws having just given birth? They're my actual parents, after all.

I don't get why it's so important who sees the baby first, as they'll have the rest of their lives to enjoy their grandkids. Surely it's about seeing your mum. It would be for me.

daisiesinherfootsteps · 06/10/2016 06:54

It sounds really awkward. We were 'lucky' enough to live nowhere near any of the grandparents and I also have ridiculously reasonable inlaws (especially MIL) who are very respectful of our wishes. My parents did see both DC first but only because they were more willing to travel and this didn't cause any bad feeling or lead to DC being closer to one set than the other.

I think in your situation that the advice given already to refuse to make plans is wise. You could say you've heard so many stories about what can go wrong from friends/reading online and exaggerate your nerves (I'm just saying to use this as an excuse not to actually worry you!) and that you will not be making any plans for visitors until baby is here and you are both well.

Then announce the birth and invite them both to the hospital. Whoever arrives first sees baby first. End of.

If you entertain your father's demands now, it sets a dangerous precedent.

Blackcat321 · 06/10/2016 07:08

Easy choice, DH's parents get to visit first, because they haven't rung you up with pathetic demands and manipulation.

Tell your Dad that, and tell him why ( in a text if he is difficult to speak to)

If he kicks off, then ask him seriously why on Earth he thinks it matters, and that no one is "second fiddle" to anyone, you are all equal.

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