Grandparent politics stress - seeing baby first

[TeaGirl3]

I'm sure many of you will resonate with this situation, but it's stressing me out. First world problems I know....

I'm 38 weeks now and just waiting for DC1 to arrive. It's the first grandchild for both sets of parents (my OH is an only child too), so everyone is particularly excited.

My dad has just called to say that my mum (and he) should be the first grandparents to see the new baby and they shouldn't play second fiddle. As I'm having the baby, he said My mum should be there first; particularly as she had complications with me when I was born.

Obviously I can't wait for my parents to see baby, but I know that my other half would naturally want his parents to visit first.

We had lots of parent politics when we got married and I just don't want it again, although I knew it would happen when we had a baby.

My dad said that I should tell my OH that it's what I want, rather than say it's what they want. I know this is incredibly selfish but I have no idea how to play it - and having a joint first visit is definitely not an option.

If you've had a similar situation, how did you tackle this?

This is making me stressed and upset, when I really don't need it. Thanks in advance.

[erm1ntrud3]

Be honest with everyone.

Tell them exactly what you've told us, and if they care about you as much as they seem to, they'll put your welfare first.

I find with my parents, when I point out just how petty, annoying and stressful they're being, they come to their senses.

Otherwise, invite them all round, meet them on the doorstep (like the royals do) show them baby, and tell them all to fuck off, because it's your house!

I've been forced to ask my parents to leave before now, and it was Christmas ! My house, my rules....... If you can't take it, don't dish it out - even if it was 25 years ago 😜

Good luck xx

[bimbobaggins]

Ha ha your idea sounds great two drifters

[TwoDrifters]

I think the best way* would be for both sets of parents to come at the exact same time. If one arrives before the other, they must wait outside until the other pair shows up, and then they should step over the threshold simultaneously.

Your DH should then lead them into the room containing the baby, each grandparent with their eyes closed, and on the count of 3, they can open their eyes and view their new descendant at the same precise moment.

Then if they form a circle around you, again on the count of 3, they should each grasp a limb. (Hopefully there'll be no arguing over which is preferable, arm or leg). That way, no one held the baby first either. It's fair and square all round.

• I may be being sarcastic

[TesticleMeElmo]

So you could potentially go into labour any time now, and your dad has plonked this on you?! My advice would be not to tell anyone that you're in hospital at all, then you phone your parents to announce your LO while your OH does the same. Then they can come and visit all at the same time and get the fuck over themselves.

[junebirthdaygirl]

Maybe your ils could've care about such nonsense. If it was my dd or ds l couldnt careless who saw the baby first.. If the other gps were adamant it was them l would be secretly laughing at their pettiness but happy enough to step back so new mum would be spared the drama.

[JassyRadlett]

Of course birth can be traumatic. Speaking of it as a given before the event is likely to make it a self-fulfilling prophecy though...especially with all this unnecessary drama going on behind the scenes

Couldn't disagree more. Most people I know who've had a particularly emotionally difficult time with their birth went into it thinking birth was going to be a wonderful empowering experience, and had trouble when it wasn't.

I'm a fan of going in with pretty realistic expectations. It could well be traumatic. If it isn't, bonus.

[ThenLaterWhenItGotDark]

Of course birth can be traumatic. Speaking of it as a given before the event is likely to make it a self-fulfilling prophecy though...especially with all this unnecessary drama going on behind the scenes.

[Zeeandra]

For me ILs came in the afternoon as they are local, split between MIL/FIL and SIL/BIL. My parents came in evening split between DH/SD and DD/SM.
I actually went for a shower just before visiting and DH showed off the baby to his parents. This wasn't the original plan but it worked for us so we went with it.

I would just go with whatever you feel up to. You won't know until you have had the baby. Do consider this though:

She is probably going to be the one who is most worried and concerned about YOU and your welfare. It doesn't matter who sees baby first but you are her baby, she isn't going to chill / enjoy the moment until she sees her baby is ok.

His twatness is likely coming from a place of love for his wife (who incidently might swing for him if she finds out he made that phone call)

[Cravingdairy]

Of course labour can be traumatic! I think 5 is sensible. I could in no way have coped with parental drama after I gave birth.

[ThenLaterWhenItGotDark]

On a kinder note, because I realise I sound a bitch....I bet you'll be wanting to show Junior off to the whole shebang of them in the end.

[ThenLaterWhenItGotDark]

Your number 5 is a bit weird tbh.

Anyhow, as many have said, it's your (and your husband's) baby, so do what the TWO of you want. I'd be careful about the "me me I'm the patient" bit, as having already ostracised his parents, you don't want him having the hump as well. Especially at first. What with you being all traumatised and all.

Good luck. Let us know how it goes with your toxic dad.

[PigletWasPoohsFriend]

not wanted to deal with inlaws for a while. It is a different thing to having your own familiar, comforting parents there, you have to be 'on' and won't be relaxed

It is OPs childish father that is causing the problem.

Not sure how 'comforting' it is to be emotionally blackmailed.

[madgingermunchkin]

I can't believe some people are actually advocating lying just to make your life easier. Because in the long run, it won't. Your father will think he's got his own way on this, so won't think twice about doing it again. The tone you set now is the one that will carry; it will get harder and harder to change it as time goes on.

And I know that it's the mother who labours and gives birth, but that baby is also the fathers and I think it's very unfair to let parents in, but ILs have to wait for weeks.

[TeaGirl3]

Wow thank you so much everyone for all your comments, advice and support!

A few of you have asked for my plan, which is as follows:

1. Only my OH will be with me in hospital, no other visitors
   
2. We'll only have visitors when baby and I are ready (and OH of course)
   
3. We will not make any set plans until baby is here safe and well, as we don't know what will happen
   
4. No matter who sees baby first, it will be the first time for each set of GPs when they see baby, so it will be special regardless - and seeing baby "second" won't make baby love them any more or less
   
5. I will have the overall decision about who visits first, as I'm the patient and have gone through the most traumatic and emotional experience of my life, so I should see who I want to and choose who will give me the most comfort. It's more about me being comforted, rather than people just coming to see the baby.
   

Thanks again everyone for your advice; I really appreciate it!

[ThenLaterWhenItGotDark]

The more I read the post, the more I think your father is an utter twat for putting you in this situation. Is he always such a bully?

[ThenLaterWhenItGotDark]

Cannot believe this is even an issue. Your dad is being absurd and where will it end? Will they have to be the first ones to host a birthday party? See Junior opening his Christmas presents? Fall out with the other grandparents over who-buys-what?

I imagine a lot of women would want their Mum to be there, as Hive says, for them because at times, like when you've just done the equivalent of shitting a sofa (as Marian Keyes so eloquently puts it) we all revert to childhood and want our mammies...but fgs, that's where it ends, surely?

You're an adult, so is your husband. You get to decide. If you both decide your parents get priority, then so be it. You'd be wrong, IMO, but it's your decision.

Shouldn't whoever just turns up first see it?

IIRC, the first person in our family to see dd was dh, followed by his mother, who happened to live across the road from the hospital, followed by his sister who'd come in to bring me some baby clothes. I saw her 4 hours later, and my Mum 19 days later. None of us is scarred for life.

[Helmetbymidnight]

I genuinely think the whole 'who sees them first' 'give priority to' is a nonsense and should not be indulged.
(Have only ever seen such competitive twattery on mn)

[Headofthehive55]

I think generally the maternal parents should be given priority because it's their flesh and blood that may have had surgery etc.

[Headofthehive55]

I suspect it would be kinder to let your parents, particularly your mum visit first to see that you - her baby is ok.

My mum came to hospital to see me and secondly the baby. Your oh parents desire is to see the baby, after all your oh is not putting his life on the line to give birth.

[AbernathysFringe]

I had my mum in the hospital with me and XP as birthing partners. Insisted on no visitors for a week. After which his family descended. A week was not long enough. I was tired out and hormonally vulnerable.

If my mum hadn't been at the birth, yes, I'd have wanted her there asap but not wanted to deal with inlaws for a while. It is a different thing to having your own familiar, comforting parents there, you have to be 'on' and won't be relaxed.

Book them in the next day after yours and set a time limit. The baby won't enjoy being passed around and you'll be exhausted.

[RodeoBunny]

Hi Tea
Am late to the thread, I know, but wondered if you'd decided? Personally I'd invite my parents first, but not let on to in-laws that they were 2nd! Or in my case, 2nd and 3rd as DH parents are divorced, so we're used to -fibbing- being discreet!

[JJJJH]

Tell both sets a time and tell them each they're first. Quiet, easy life, baby's hardly going to give the game away so everybody's happy. My MIL turned up unannounced and uninvited when she wasn't given a clear time and I was not a happy bunny 😡

Incidentally your dad is being an arse and needs putting straight when less hormonal.

[SomewhereOverTheRainbow2013]

Really feel for you being put in this situation OP and agree with others that if this behaviour isn't knocked in the head and dealt with now then it can cascade into something much worse once baby arrives.
My mum was the first to meet DS after DH. I had a terrible labour though and in hindsight wouldn't have allowed IL's to visit at all based on MIL's behaviour. BF flew in from Canada to meet DS and MIL saw fit to turn up during that visit after being told not to. So visit with best friend was ruined. She proceeded to argue with me about everything. It was awful. I wish I'd nipped it in the bud then and there but wasn't emotionally strong enough and begged DH to talk to MIL but he didn't. So spent the first year of DS life being bullied by her. We now have no contact whatsoever and she's made my life hell abs nearly ruined my marriage.
Your mum will want to see you to make sure you're OK if that's the sort of relationship you have with her. But please please please don't let dictatorial behavior start now with any of them as it has a way of escalating sometimes beyond comprehension so nip this in the bud now or get DH to sort it. My DS is 3 now and I still suffer from the behaviors of my IL's from birth onwards.
I wish you all the best OP. Not long until you meet your bundle and that is the only thing that matters. Your little family xxx

[MistressDeeCee]

Honestly, the nonsense some people are competitive about. I couldn't be asked to give it more than a second's thought tbh. Both sets come to the hospital both sets come to the house, if one set get there a nanosecond before the other, so what? You're not a child so tell your dad the score and have done with it, likely both grandmothers will be with you before grandads anyway, tends to work out like that

[3luckystars]

Just lie.
when your parents come to visit, say they are your first visitors. Likewise with you dhs family.

Just keep lying, you will get used to it.