Grandparent politics stress - seeing baby first

[TeaGirl3]

I'm sure many of you will resonate with this situation, but it's stressing me out. First world problems I know....

I'm 38 weeks now and just waiting for DC1 to arrive. It's the first grandchild for both sets of parents (my OH is an only child too), so everyone is particularly excited.

My dad has just called to say that my mum (and he) should be the first grandparents to see the new baby and they shouldn't play second fiddle. As I'm having the baby, he said My mum should be there first; particularly as she had complications with me when I was born.

Obviously I can't wait for my parents to see baby, but I know that my other half would naturally want his parents to visit first.

We had lots of parent politics when we got married and I just don't want it again, although I knew it would happen when we had a baby.

My dad said that I should tell my OH that it's what I want, rather than say it's what they want. I know this is incredibly selfish but I have no idea how to play it - and having a joint first visit is definitely not an option.

If you've had a similar situation, how did you tackle this?

This is making me stressed and upset, when I really don't need it. Thanks in advance.

[Marylou2]

I'd auction the rights for the first visit/cuddle to whichever grandparents offer to pay for your child's education. 😊Not really of course. Good luck with the birth OP and don't let this silliness spoil your precious time with your baby.

[Whingewine]

My first happened liked this as it was my mum had to take us to hospital due to logistics so she was to help in labour bit step asde for mil for first hold ect, but as it happened so quick her and my sister were there first to hold and second set of gp came later ( my dad was watching Wales v England Wales won I understood lol) but with my second my oh parents didn't come to visit till nearly two weeks and I was so angry as they had made a fuss of who saw first. ... so in hindsight and experience do what you want as at the end of the day it's your memories of those precious moments that matter ❤

[voddiekeepsmesane]

All those who are saying that maternal grandparents are more important ...fuck that. Both sets of grandparents are important but the baby's parents are the most important. No wonder there are so man issues between MILs and DILs, they are not second class grandparents just as your DH is not a second class parent. I really worry when/if DS has a family will I be shunned for DILs parents?

[LadyConstanceDeCoverlet]

Your plan sounds a good one. However, I would add a further point to it when speaking to your Dad: tell him that, since your decision about visitors is going to be based on who will be most supportive to you and cause you least stress, if he doesn't back off he is going to come last in the queue.

[arrrrghhwinehelpswithteens]

could you "split" as it were? Your DM & DMIL followed by DF and DFIL? that way its equal(ish)?

Either way, put your own and DH wishes first. Good luck, hope all goes well for you

[mummymummums]

I do think your DF has gone OTT with this. However, when I had a new baby I wanted my mum around - she was a huge help and support. Might be contentious but if you have a close relationship with your mum you'd be likely to want to see her first. No matter how close to your in laws, it's more likely to be mum you turn to when feeling and looking not your best after having a baby. I'd think your DM is hoping for this bond and to be turned to. And your DF is trying to make it happen.
My mum and Dad visited first. That's what I wanted - they were really helpful, I didn't have to stand on parade and I went and had a sleep. In laws came, sat down, put their feet up, asked for cups of tea, and (my son was less than 24 hours old) - my MIL produced a bag of muddy rhubarb from her allotment and suggested I could make DH a nice rhubarb crumble because he likes those. I'll leave it to you to work out when the rhubarb nearly ended up

[Rlw22]

Although perhaps how he has brought this topic up sounds harsh........you are still your mums/ parents baby however old you get, maybe she/ they are nervous for you and scared you too will have complications like she did.
My labour turned out to not be straight forward and although obviously my mum wanted to meet the baby, she also wanted to check on my health and see for herself that I too was ok! Although you have to do what is best and right by you, try not to dismiss their anxiety at the enormity of what it means for their baby to go through what can sometimes be a major medical deal too!
Good luck!!!

[PigletWasPoohsFriend]

Parents on both sides should be thinking of your health and wellbeing, not stressing you out in your last weeks of pregnancy!!

Tbf it is the OPs DF that is causing the issues not the ILs

[FurryLittleTwerp]

I banned all visitors on the day of the birth & then both sets of grandparents swarmed came into my hospital room together the day after. My dad had first cuddle, then MIL, FIL & last my mum but she had the longest "go"

I felt my mood plummet as they arrived & felt awful - took months to perk up

[elfonshelf]

Your list sounds very sensible and I would play it by ear as to who YOU want to see after the event.

Definitely a good plan to set boundaries now.

When DD was born, the hospital had a ban on anyone who wasn't named on the birthplan coming into the department (max of 2 people). I was in labour for nearly 3 days and then ended up in intensive care for a couple of days where only partners were allowed to visit, so anyone camping out while I was in labour would have been very disappointed.

My mother came to see me once I was out of ICU, and MIL dropped in for a quick visit the next day. By that evening I was in a terrible state and had the psych team involved (I was high risk for PPP) so DH rang FIL and told him that we weren't having any more visitors till I was out of hospital.

I managed to pull myself together enough to speak to him on the phone the next day and he had a complete sulk about how I seemed perfectly fine to him.

The sulking has continued ever since with adding up of how much time MIL gets with us and how much he gets. All the GPs live around 3-4 hours away, we alternate xmas but other visits aren't divied up. This year we've seen MIL most, last year it was FIL and some years it's my parents. Fortunately the others all behave.

I did have a friend MIL had hysterical crying fits because she said that she wasn't happy to have MIL, FIL and MIL's next-door-neighbour in the delivery room! 5 years on they are now NC after further nutty demands!

[bimbobaggins]

I would just tell them both at the same time and leave it to see whoever gets to the hospital first. Seriously put your foot down or you will be dealing with this type of shit for years (experience of my own mother doing it)

[AgricClucky31]

Whoever pays for their college fund can visit first! Joke. Kind of

Sounds a bit juvenile. Tell them to arrange it themselves and not drag you into squabbles.

[LovelyWeatherForDucks]

I would be noncommittal about the whole thing, and explain it's not an issue for you - you probably have no idea when this baby will be born, how you'll recover, etc, you'll let the know when you are ready for visitors. I hated having my in-laws visit at hospital (long stay than normal), I felt so uncomfortable but didn't really think to object at the time!

[LilQueenie]

I would not tell them when the baby was born but call when you are ready for visitors. First come first served not your problem. If any friction arises during the visit then tell them to go as its not the environment your baby needs.

[Memoires]

Don't tell either set of parents that you've gone into labour. Don't tell them when your baby is born.

Take your baby on a surprise visit to each set, and don't tell either set that you've seen or are seeing the other set.

Do the visits in your own time and in whatever order you feel like at the time.

I would find it hard not to drop the idea that non-relatives are being favoured - how lovely it was when best mate turned up at hospital unexpectedly with flowers, bear and massive choc bar etc. Might be going a bit far.

[Blu]

Blimey - your ILs have travelled down 2 weeks before your due date?

So many first babies are late - they could be here for nearly a month before your baby is born

OP - you sound incredibly sensible - and you are a saint!

[Blu]

Yes, definitely do not tell anyone you are in labour.

I have no problems with m Mum but I spoke to her on the phone when I was 9cms dilated without mentioning I was in labour.

You do not want a stream of texts and enquiries, nor for your OH to be giving a running commentary when they need to be focussing 100% on supporting you.

[eddielizzard]

well i'd tell them you'll be flipping a coin and they can choose heads or tails (doesn't matter what they actually choose as you'll be doing the flipping without them there ), then tell them after the birth what their allotted day is and refuse to tell them whether they were before or after the other gp's.

so pathetic really. some people never grow up.

[Heatherjayne1972]

Don't tell anyone you're in labour
Tell them nothing at all until your home again
Then set aside an hour when you're ready and issue a generalised invite to everyone parents friends family
Tell them they can come for an hour ( and make their own tea/ coffee) don't open door / curtains until the time and when 55 mins are up get dh to insist that everyone has to go now - no exceptions
If there's a problem with that its not your problem.

[OvariesBeforeBrovaries]

Echoing the others; don't tell them you're in labour. When your dad sees the baby for the first time, if he even dares to say "Have the ILs met him/her yet", give him a withering look and say "If you can't put pettiness aside when you're meeting your first grandchild, we'll leave". That should shut him up.

You have visits from who you want. My mum was the first grandparent to see DD because she was my second birth partner. ILs saw her before my dad did, which I didn't mind but I was in a state and on the verge of a blood transfusion but felt the need to perk myself up a bit because they'd brought his grandparents too and they were all kind of staring at me. When my parents arrived later that day I was able to just sleep.

Next time I'd say no ILs visiting until we're at home. No guilt whatsoever.

[Obsidian77]

Sorry you're dealing with this pointless stress at a time you should be relaxing as much as possible. You do need to tell him to back off. Can you frame it like "DF, you've always taken such good care of me I'm sure you understand that I have to put my child's needs first."
It does sound as though the trauma of your birth has left him anxious, so if he isn't being reasonable, this isn't your fault and it shouldn't be your problem.
Can you give him "busywork" to do, ie draw up a list of people he has to call with the good news when baby arrives, have him contact the local paper/Times to place a birth announcement/run to Mothercare to fetch more muslin squares etc? Maybe feeling more "involved" will get him off your back a little.
My parents are divorced and both can be competitive about seeing my DC's but I recognise I am lucky compared to people whose parents don't care enough to make the effort.
Congrats and best wishes

[Ika1968]

What is the most important thing in the world for you? If YOUR answer is YOUR FAMILY: you your husband, for/and your baby.
Limits are necesary in every marriage and must talk calmly about wyour espectations with your husband. Is not easy, there might be conflict, but is for the good of ypur marriage and YOUR family.

[cantcookshouldntcook]

As crayfish said ^.
Or I'd be tempted to join them if I can't beat them and lie, telling them both they were first and tell them not to mention it and upset the other person. I get the feeling they are not chatty/friends. Good luck 💐

[cantcookshouldntcook]

My ds arrived over a week early and my immediate family knew I was in labour, I chose not to have my mum with us and once wed recovered for a couple of hours I rang members of my family like aunties uncles etc to 'surprise' them with news of the early arrival to find my mum had rang up everyone to tell them while I wax in labour. Was very upsetting and felt she stole the thunder.

[cantcookshouldntcook]

*was
Waxing in labour is not advisable