How old is too old to be a mum?

[Naisie]

Hi, I'm interested in honest opinions on how old is too old to have a child.

I'm 46 and my DH is 47, we don't have children as I can't. We did IVF when I was in my 30's. We never used donated eggs and stopped when the money ran out. We both really wanted kids but got used to the fact that it wasn't meant to be.

We now have the money to try again, which would be IVF with donor eggs.

My problem is I really can't get my head around my age! I'm fit and healthy and right now could cope with a baby. So it's more that I keep thinking about being 60 when the child is 13, which just feels wrong.

So I'm wondering if there are other older parents on here that can give me an honest opinion on whether if they could have seen into the future before having kids in their late 40's would they have chosen differently.

If you didn't give it a go then you would always think what if.

I would say if you feel fit and healthy and energetic enough to cope with pregnancy and a baby,go for it! I had my DD at the age of 19,and sailed through the pregnancy,birth and baby years. I am now 52,and will frankly admit that the idea of going through that from the age of 45 onwards,would have filled me with dread. But that's just me. I know a couple of women who have had kids at 45 plus,and one who had twins at 56! Obviously it was IVF with donor eggs. I think it is up to the individual woman and whether she feels she can cope with it. So I would say,for ME,personally,46 would be to old. But for anyone else? Entirely up to them. Good luck whatever you decide to do!

I used to work with someone who had IVF twins at 46. Other than finding it more tiring than she may otherwise have done had she been younger, she had no problems.

I'm 44 and I'm typing this whilst feeding my 8 week old DS I say go for it!

My parents are 46 and 47, they could easily do it again (health and fitness wise etc, just they aren't together anymore!) I don't see why not op, good luck with whatever you decide

It's entirely up to you and how you feel, no one can tell you that you are too old. Some people at 60 are fitter than others. Unfortunately though no one really knows what is around the corner health wise at any age.
Persoanlly I would not want to be that old as a mother. I regret not having children before now. I'm 29 and pregnant with my first ( it'll be born before I'm 30) but my circumstances meant that I couldn't. So if I put myself in your shoes I'd prob still want to be a mother and health permitting I would probably still try!
Good luck to you!

I think it you want to you should go for it.

I have a friend with her first at 46, her dh is 65, and she has so much patience and love for that child.

People used to have their 5th or 6th child in their late 40s all the time!

I completely agree if its what you want and its biologically possible - go for it!

As a 26 year old first time mummy i often worry i dont have enough knowledge of life to offer another human being yet! There's pros and cons to being any age!

Do let us know if you go ahead with it :)

Perhaps one question that's worth asking is not whether you have the stamina to deal with a baby in your mid-40s, but have the strength to deal with a stroppy teeenager in your 60s. Or a young adult who is finding it difficult to become independent and wants to 'return to the nest' when in you are in your 70s.

Incidentally the menpause is no fun - and probably even less fun - when you are the parent to a young demanding child.

It's a question of what is right for you. I had a daughter in my late 30s, but am not sure what decision I'd have made if I had met my partner rather later on...

Menopause, I should have said.

Menopause is fine. You just have to find a good GP who understands HRT.

I know lots of mid 40s mums. Good luck.

If you don't try you may regret it.

That said, I am 43 now, had my (non IVF) twins at 32 and found it like an assault course - there's no way I could do that now. But I wasn't in your situation and you may always wonder "what if?"

So if you do go ahead, I hope that life is kind to you as it seems so unfair that you haven't had the chance.

A family member of mine conceived using donor eggs at age 47, after 2 failed attempts. He is the light of her life x

Do it

I'm a maternity nurse and have worked for many couples in their late 40's who had ivf using donor eggs

Eldest mum was just under 50 when born and has twins now 3

I probably wouldn't advise having two back and twins but def one embroy

Donor eggs are often more successful as are often in their 20's and embroy quaility much better

Very likely that if first cycle fails then there will be 4/5+ that will be frozen so then can try a fet - which is pretty much what your cycle will be like with donor eggs

The clinic will find a donor that matches your looks and blood group

Then to set your body to match theirs so that by the time the donor is ready to have egg collection that a few days later your lining will be ready to have a transfer

I'm 43 and preg first time on 5th private ivf tho did use own eggs as amh and fsh always came back good for me and have good eggs for my age

Tho if this had failed I think we would have tried de for one last go

Yes I would have liked to be younger but mother nature didn't play ball :( but ttc for 10yrs and as said had 4 failed before 5th ivf worked

I have friends who were parents who have died in their 30s. My FIL is in his 80s, still works and has a better social life than half the people I know.

There is just no way you can predict how much energy you'll have and how long you'll be around. Do it, if you turn out to be like my FiL you could well be out clubbing with your 30 year old child in years to come

I think menopause is not necessarily fine. I tried many different kinds of HRT and all had side-effects. I am better off without it - despite night sweats that wake me up several times a night. I am glad that this has happened when my daughter was a teenager not an infant.

Financially too, teenagers and young adults may need a lot of assistance - in terms of education and to get on their feet. Which doesn't go brilliantly with trying to cut back on working hours as you get ready for retirement. Or living off pensions.

Obviously if people really want to do something, then it's probably best to go for it. But Mumsnet wouldn't exist if people found parenting easy. And I think there are particular challenges to being an older parent.

For many women 'too old' is about their fertility and increased risks. Not an issue for you.

Late 40s might be later than most people would think was ideal, but you don't have an option of going back in time. Yes it might be more tiring, yes you'll be hitting retirement age in their teenage years but these things aren't the end of the world. And there are advantages of being older and wiser and calmer.

If you've got the love to give and a stable environment to raise a child the rest is no big deal. Go for it.

I had dd at 42, I fell pregnant unexpectedly. The pregnancy was ok, but wearing on the joints and tough on the body in general.

Pregnancy is tiring and if you dont have to do that bit I'd save your energy and if you have the money use a surrogate.

You'd go into the newborn stage a lot stronger and won't have wasted precious energy needed for the early years!

Yes, I'd do it also. I also know a number of people having babies via donor eggs in their mid 40s. Some with partners, some without.

I had 4 dcs between 35-40. Yes, they are tiring, but I think kids at any age would be tiring!

Seriously, give it a go!

I became the guardian of a baby at the age of 57. It wasn't at all easy and am lucky to have support from family.
10 years earlier would not have been a problem.

Main things that would put me off:

• finances: when your child (born when you're 47?) would be at uni you'd be 65-68. Fees are currently £9k pa and accomm is around £5k plus living expenses.

• health: of the 10 family members I have in their 60s, 6 of them have recent ongoing chronic conditions eg serious back problems, breathing problems, pancreatic cancer, had a stroke etc. Health often goes downhill early 60s onwards. You'd have a young teen to fund

I guess if you have a lot of finances/ excellent pensions already sorted I'd do it. But I'm a planner and was lucky and had mine younger obviously I don't know what I'd do in your position.

I think it depends entirely on the individual and their circumstances.

Plenty of women in their 40s have as much if not more energy and are as fit as younger women.

I suppose the fact that you're even considering the possibility and posting about it leads me to think that if you didn't give it a go you'd always be wondering what if . . . .

I wouldn't in my 20s and married plan to leave having children as late as you're suggesting. I accept that that is not what you've done. I think in your circumstances I would consider going for it, if you can afford to mitigate against potential problems (e.g. help when baby is born, whether paid for or not, good life/critical illness insurance so that if your health fails unexpectedly early you don't put so much of a burden on your child).

I wouldn't want to use a donor egg.

That's an ethical nightmare.

Will you tell the child?