How old is too old to be a mum?

[Naisie]

Hi, I'm interested in honest opinions on how old is too old to have a child.

I'm 46 and my DH is 47, we don't have children as I can't. We did IVF when I was in my 30's. We never used donated eggs and stopped when the money ran out. We both really wanted kids but got used to the fact that it wasn't meant to be.

We now have the money to try again, which would be IVF with donor eggs.

My problem is I really can't get my head around my age! I'm fit and healthy and right now could cope with a baby. So it's more that I keep thinking about being 60 when the child is 13, which just feels wrong.

So I'm wondering if there are other older parents on here that can give me an honest opinion on whether if they could have seen into the future before having kids in their late 40's would they have chosen differently.

[SueTrinder]

I think only you can make the decision. There was a thread on here recently asking a similar question but from a more theoretical viewpoint and most people basically said 'about 3-5 years later than I actually had my last child'. There were some who said they couldn't imagine having children in their 30s! So I think everyone ties the answer too much to their own experience.

I had my last at 41, I do worry a bit about redundancy in my 60s because my pension is shite (despite having paid into my company pension my entire career, good thing DH is public sector) but quite happy to work until I fall over. I do have very interesting work though.

[MrEBear]

Firstly I am really sorry IVF didn't work for you.

Personally I think early 40's 41/42 is pushing it. Any much older and people really will think you are Gran rather than mum. You are 46 now even if you get pregnant tomorrow the chances are you would be 47 before the baby is born, then 51 before child starts school.

I'm sure you have already considered the option of adopting but I really do think taking on a child who is 4/5 would be your best option.

[sj257]

I think you should go for it. Pregnancy and having a small child is difficult no matter what age you are.

[Ledkr]

Do it.
I'm 50 next week and have 5 kids the youngest being 5 it's been hard work but it's kept me young and active and dh and I enjoy her very much.

[Ledkr]

Nobody has ever thought I was grain by the way!! I also have lots of friends around my age with young kids. It's common nowadays

[Ledkr]

Gran not grain

[YoungGirlGrowingOld]

I feel like a old mum at 40 but (according to my midwife) it's generally the naicer areas which have older mums. We live in a fairly wealthy part of the NW (although I work abroad a lot) and I have met 2 women of 44 and one of 47 at my clinic, all at a similar stage of pregnancy to me. They look (and tell me they feel) great.

Equally the gestational diabetes clinic I attend is mostly 20-something mums (and geriatric me!), many of whom are obese and look pretty unhealthy. There are so many variables in health and wellbeing that have a bearing on pregnancy, I think it's wrong to judge based on age alone.

[SpeckledyBanana]

I will be mid-50s when my youngest is 18. That's late enough for me, I want to retire in my early 60s if I can afford to.

How do you feel about the age you'll be, if you start now?

Also - I could not cope with another bout of sleep deprivation if I had another non-sleeper. Could you cope?

[Ditsy4]

My mum had one of my sisters at 42 and the other one at 44( mum was 45 three months later) and there was a lady in the next ward who was 52 ( natural ) my mum was 83 when she died. She didn't have an automatic washer until my sister was about three before that she had an old copper to be heated up and washing taken down a flight of stairs to the laundry!
Her sister had her last child ninth pregnancy in her forties too.
I would say 60 was too old. A woman at church had been unable to conceive then suddenly did I have never liked to ask her age but her son has been a great delight to her and her husband and he is now 16 and she retired a few years ago.
If you are fit and well why not. Woman can conceive naturally so I don't see why you shouldn't try.

[Blondeshavemorefun]

I will be almost 44 when bubs will be born and I don't think people will assume I'm gran when heading towards 50 and they go to school - will be 48 when they start school

And if anyone did make that mistake tho sure they won't. I will just tell them I'm the child's mum

Most people who don't know my age think I'm 35/36 so Obv don't look old

Please op - do look into using de and trying again as I think you will always wonder what if - if you don't try

[bibbitybobbityyhat]

For me the cut off point was 40, but then I was extremely lucky and didn't have infertifility or a surprise late pregnancy to contend with.

As others have said, it's not so much about being young enough and fit enough to cope with a pregnancy and birth, but more to do with how you will handle being a parent to a young teen when many of your peers will be grandparents already. And then supporting your child through further education/young adulthood when you are a pensioner.

[Bubbinsmakesthree]

So I think everyone ties the answer too much to their own experience.

YY to this and also answers in terms of 'when is the latest you'd plan to have children' rather than 'when would be the point at which you'd give up on the dream of ever having children', which is very different.

Incidentally I am 39 expecting DC2. DH will be 45 by the time they are born. Not for one moment have we ever paused to think he is 'too old' to be a dad again.

[Angiepoise]

It won't be your baby -- genetically.

It really does matter.

[Superstar90]

I'm sorry it's not what you want to hear but my honest opinion is that I think you are too old.

If you truly can't live the rest of your life without a child then go for it but I should think by now you will have adapted to living a childless life.

It's your decision at the end of the day and you should listen to your feelings rather than people's such as mine as it's not my life.

[Superstar90]

Ps pregnancy at 46 would be horrendous - it was bad enough in my mid 30s...

[ittooshallpass]

Why woild the pregnancy be horrendous? OP could have a fantastic pregnancy.

I had my only DD at 42. I worried I wouldn't cope with the sleep deprivation everyone told me I'd experience.

I got a sleeper. DD didn't wake me for a night feed. Ever! Slept through from the day she was born. People couln't believe it.

My point is... you don't know how your body will react..you don't know what temperament your baby will have, so I say go for it!

Who cares how 'old' you are. And I think it's a terribly cruel thing to say that OP should be used to a childless life by now.

That's like saying you should be used to losing a loved one after a certain period of time.

No one 'gets used to' being childless if it is not their choice. They live with it, but it's always there.

I find it interesting that those saying not to go ahead have children themselves. I wanted children in my 20s but had to wait until my 40s for it to become a reality. It was a long wait.

OP. Take this chance you have been given to try again. I wish you every success and the joy that motherhood could bring to your life. If it doesn't work out you can take comfort in the fact that you did everything you could. And be hugely thankful that we live in a time when de option is possible.

Being a good parent isn't about the age you are or the money you have... IMO it's about the love you give.

[Optimist3]

Some women still have babies naturally at 46. So I'd say now is fine but it's not the closer you get to 50.

You will offer a child so much. Better an older parent with wonderful parenting then young parents with rubbish parenting.

[Optimist3]

And the norm for last babies will vary from pace to place. In my village some women seem to have their last born children about 40 or 43. And 46 isn't much different.

[Optimist3]

Just give it a shot op. Follow your heart.

[Littlebee76]

If you want to be a mum then go for it, if you feel fit and healthy then why not.
Like you I've gone through failed IVF attempts and I'm now going for immune tests then donor egg cycle and I'm 40.
Have a loon at care fertility forum as there's a section there about over 40s. Loads of ladies there late 40s over 50s so very insightful.
Good luck!!

[Superstar90]

Not 'used to' 'should have adapted to' - point is having a baby is a huge upheaval - puts a strain and changes every aspect of your life. Op will have adapted her life after her sadly failed ivf.
just giving my opinion - have said she should go for it if she will feel like you and always feel her life empty without children
Yes agree - no way of knowing how your body will react or child will be but every pregnancy involves tiredness etc and it is known complications are more common for an older mum
My personal cut off would have been 45 (and 40 by preference) very very few women would have own natural children after that
I guess the op should also consider if she goes for it and it fails - will she be pleased she's given it a shot or will it open up a can of worms which she has already dealt with re childlessness and have to deal with again?

[Littlebee76]

I dare bet that the negative comments in this thread are from people who haven't experienced infertility therefore have no idea!!

[Superstar90]

Littlebee - you should never make such assumptions. I have experienced infertility - I've had three miscarriages and even now face the prospect of secondary infertility
I actually think I'm quite brave in stating my honest opinion. Many people will think no too old op but be afraid to say it for fear of upsetting you as any who has experienced infertility can know how it can consume your entire existence. You are bound to get more positive opinions and stories on here - many people who think no simply won't post
Ultimately it's the op's decision and she must answer the question herself knowing what can live with

[MrEBear]

Littlebee
I have also suffered secondary infertility. 4 years TTC pushed me to my threshold. I was only prepared to give ivf one shot then move on.

Op knows what IVF entails. You also have to consider that it didn't work with your own eggs when you were in your 30's, what's to say it would be better with donor eggs now?

[SleepFreeZone]

I had my first at 37, my second at 40 and we at planning on trying again for a third once I've stopped breast feeding. I am not at all unusual at my sons preschool. Older mothers are definitely more common place nowadays