How old is too old to be a mum?

[Naisie]

Hi, I'm interested in honest opinions on how old is too old to have a child.

I'm 46 and my DH is 47, we don't have children as I can't. We did IVF when I was in my 30's. We never used donated eggs and stopped when the money ran out. We both really wanted kids but got used to the fact that it wasn't meant to be.

We now have the money to try again, which would be IVF with donor eggs.

My problem is I really can't get my head around my age! I'm fit and healthy and right now could cope with a baby. So it's more that I keep thinking about being 60 when the child is 13, which just feels wrong.

So I'm wondering if there are other older parents on here that can give me an honest opinion on whether if they could have seen into the future before having kids in their late 40's would they have chosen differently.

[Littlebee76]

Everyone is different. I've been ttc fur 17 years and I'm not irritated to give up.
There's always other options to explore as I'm sure op is aware.
If you really want to be a mum then you do whatever it takes.

[Superstar90]

Sleepfreezone - good for you but you were nearly 10 years younger than the op when you had your first child and will still be 4/5 years younger when you have your last child so not sure how that relevant.

[Littlebee76]

Immunology, PGS etc.

[BendydickCuminsnatch]

Ooh do it!! I know nothing of the process or anything, but from a simplistic view I would say do it! You don't want to always be wondering 'what if'.

FWIW one of my friends' mum had her at 42, she was the coolest of all our mums and we all love her :)

[SleepFreeZone]

It's relevant because I'm an older Mum

[SleepFreeZone]

I've also had thre miscarriages inbetween the two children, last one due to the baby having Downs, so my journey has certainly not been easy.

[PigletWasPoohsFriend]

I dare bet that the negative comments in this thread are from people who haven't experienced infertility therefore have no idea!!

Then you would be very very wrong.

[Bubbinsmakesthree]

Given the OP was really looking for the experiences of older mothers, particularly those who have been through their children's teenage years in their 50s and 60s, I think she would get more useful responses in Chat or something as really most people here (myself included) are offering opinion rather than experience. Most people posting in the pregnancy forum aren't in that position.

[DEMum101]

I have name changed for this. I am afraid I can't help with looking into the future, OP, as I am 48 now. I have one DD by DE born when I was 41. I had a relatively easy pregnancy apart from being plagued with swollen ankles which did result in me being monitored more than normal. However, the early days after the baby's arrival seemed no better or worse than friends who had had children younger. DD was a good sleeper though from fairly early on and I think that makes all the difference regardless of your age.

I am now about six weeks PG with a second DE baby - going for a viability scan (I think it is) tomorrow, so still doesn't feel real. I do regret not going for it a couple of years ago because I think having a baby at 45/46 is still more socially accepted than 48. However, I am a faffer and procrastinator and can't turn back time now.

I have thought long and hard about having a teenager in my 50s and another possibly in my 60s and, yes, I am sure it will raise issues, but there is no doubt it is becoming commoner, certainly around where I live (South East). Health could be a problem but you can never really plan for that, no matter what your age. Children are being orphaned by much younger parents all the time and equally there are older people who are still fit and well into their 80s and sometimes their 90s. You can look at your own parents for some sort of idea I guess, but nobody knows how their own health will go.

In my case, I just decided I couldn't live with the what ifs so we would just give it a go and see what happened.

Good luck whatever you decide. Personally, (with the benefit of hindsight) I wouldn't wait any longer though - if you are going to do it, do it now. Natural pregnancies, while unusual, are still far more likely to happen at 46 than even a year or two later so you are much less likely to face questions you might not wish to have to answer.

[teabagsmummy]

I'm 42 and currently 22 weeks pregnant. I have ds who is 10 this is my 8th pregnancy after suffering several Mmc . I'm over the the moon as after years off ttc and lots of loses to be finally this far along .
Good luck op with your journey

[greenlizard]

I am 47 and 36 weeks pregnant with DE baby number 2. After many years and multiple MMC due to knackered old eggs, we decided to go the DE route. It worked first go with a fresh cycle and my DS was born when I was 45. This cycle was a frozen one with embryos left over from fresh cycle and worked again first go.

Both pregnancies have been absolutely fine although I am under consultant led care due to pre-existing hyper-tension which has been managed for many years. Both my DP and I are quite fit and active.

My DS is an amazing little boy and I have loved the experience of being a mother when I really didn't think it was ever going to happen so much so we gave it another go. It is tiring, but I am sure it is whenever you are a mum, certainly I am much more active than any number of mums round my way who are in their 20's and 30's. We are financially secure and established in our careers which helps. I also have teenage step children who are also smitten and enjoying being big brothers/sister.

Financially, we are making provision for the fact we won't be around when they are much older so are saving to support them through university/housing/marriage etc if and when the time comes even if we aren't around. We are just enjoying the experience. My DP loves being a dad again.

There are things that are difficult. Although both sets of parents are around they are elderly so cannot be the grandparents they/I would like. We don't get much practical support from them but they love spending time with him. I am sure if I had had my babies younger I would have been way more energetic (but probably less patient). I do sometimes worry I won't be around for them when they are older but plan to make it count when we are around! It does change your life so be prepared to having no time for yourself ever again .

Feel free to pm me if you have any questions but I say if you want it go for it.

Good luck

[Secretmetalfan]

Go for it, we regret the things we don't do more often than the things we do. There are so many variables in life just do what you think is best for you now

[user1471461436]

As pp have said, go for it now before it IS too late. People can die/become ill at any age. Alternatively you could look into adopting?

[sianihedgehog]

I'd go for it. I always knew I wanted children but the stars just didn't align until I was 37. DS was born a week and a half before my 38th. He's not a sleeper, even now he's over a year, and he's a high energy child. And I coped. I'd do it again if I could afford it, and am seriously working towards trying again in my mid 40s. My grandmother had all her children in her 40s, and I've friends who were pregnant naturally at older ages.

I think as it is something you have always wanted that you would regret not trying even if the chance has come later than you expected.

[Blondeshavemorefun]

Maybe have a read of the pregnant and over 40's thread

You won't regret trying but I think you will regret not trying. If that makes sense


I belong to way. Widowed and young - my husband died 5yrs ago

It's very sad reading on the site how many couples lose a partner and have young kids

Point being yes you will be older and you will die one day but may not be for years

There are parents on way who have lost their loved ones and mum/dad to their kids in 20's 30's 40's 50's

[LyndaNotLinda]

I was 42 when I had DS and I have a friend who had her 2nd child at 46. I am now 51 and 90% of my friends of the same age (in the SE) have primary aged children. We all wanted to get established in our careers and financially stable before having children and we're all fit and healthy.

I have no idea whether my pregnancy was 'worse' or 'better' than someone who was pregnant at 30 but I do know that the lack of anxiety about bills which was a regular feature of my younger days makes my life a lot less stressful.

I am by no means unusual at the school gate and, unless you wear a badge stating your age, I very much doubt whether people know whether you're 42 or 49.

I have a friend who is about to have her second DE child and she's 53.

[SleepFreeZone]

I always try and put a positive spin on being an older mother by saying they'll get their inheritance sooner 😜

[MarianneSolong]

I in no way regret having my daughter and I was only in my late thirties when she was born. Nor do I regret having only worked part-time/from home a lot of the time when she was young.

But one thing that has really struck me now she is off at universities, is that getting back into 'proper work' is less easy because of my age. I am definitely viewed as an 'older applicant' Even if I wasn't seen as an older mother.

[luckiestgirl]

The best mum I know had her first at age 50 (IVF). She's brilliant.

[KayTee87]

I think you should consider whether you have enough money to pay for extra help should you need it and also have plenty of money for retirement whilst you still have a child living at home potentially or university etc. The extra help I mention due to my mum saying the few years between her late 40s and early 50s her energy levels dramatically dropped - I know everyone is different but it's worth bearing in mind.

Other than that if you really want a child and can live with the disappointment should the ivf fail again then go for it and good luck

[PterodactylToenails]

I would say go for it. I am 37 and haven't ruled out having any more.

[Naisie]

Thank you to everyone who has posted their opinions. I dont mind at all that some have said it's too late, it's good to have varied opinions and I guess if I wasn't in the it's too late camp I would not have posted in the first place!

It's great that there have been replies from a couple of ladies who are having or have had babies at my age. I thank you for your insight.

It's true that you never accept childlessness, you learn to live with it and what you accept are that there will always be the painful moments when you see others with their children doing something wonderful.

But the poster that said I must have learnt to live with it is right, I do live with it and have done for 10+ years. I don't let it consume me and i'm grateful that I have the right temperament to do so, I have friends who have let it consume them.

As for me right now, well we are still going round in circles swinging from going for it to not! It's incredibly hard.

[Mozfan1]

Op

Hope you come to a decision, whatever you choose it will be right for you. Good luck for the future

[Superstar90]

Yes good luck and hope you feel at peace whatever your decision

[YoungGirlGrowingOld]

I remember DH and I had the same circular discussions OP. In our case it was because we needed pre-implantation genetic diagnosis and the technique was not available until I was well into my late 30's. The process itself took forever, as you will know.

In the end I realized that DH and I would never make a decision, that it was pretty unlikely to happen at our age and that I might as well have the IVF and leave it in the lap of the Gods. We got pregnant on the first cycle and I STILL wasn't sure but now at 29 weeks I am happy and content. And very glad I took a punt on it!