First Time Dad

[DC905210]

Hi everyone, sorry to invade Mumsnet, I can not find anything of much use on the Dad's side of things.

My wife is 4-5 weeks pregnant, and she does not want me to tell anyone until the first midwife appointment I understand the reasons for that (lots of people to tell if something goes wrong etc) but there are two elements of it I am uncomfortable with / frustrated at.

Firstly I work for a very small company where you can just tell if something is on someone's mind there is a calendar month today before the appointment. Is it normal to sit in an office with two other people (who incidentally I 100% trust to keep it to themselves) for a month pretending nothing is happening?

Paired with this the company is very flexible and such as the first midwifes appointment they would almost certainly let me work for home and fit around it but instead I will have to take a day off (which I assume for a new Dad could come in handy later on) to pretend I am doing something else. For what?

Secondly, she does not want to tell any family.

Between us we don't have Dad, they have both passed away and we do not speak to her Mum. My Brother has a two y/o little girl and a little boy due in November and I have a lot of stuff to ask him, my Mum as well will be our overriding principle support in everything we need help with, it is reasonable that I should accept not telling them for another month? They too are 100% guaranteed to not tell a sole.

It is not like (god forbid) if something did go wrong we would not bother telling them, the point is just lost on me.

Please don't take this as a moan of like "poor men" or anything but we don't have the support that woman have. I have read frightening sounding things about labour for example and I am anxious about it. I don't want to start adding to the pile of worries that my wife has about it but I am just expected to live with it for a month.

I just wanted to echo what everyone else has told you, good advice here. I am 28 weeks pregnant and we decided to wait until after our 12 week scan before telling anyone. It meant we could share good news that we knew we were having a healthy pregnancy and that we knew the miscarriage risk had drastically reduced from that at early pregnancy. Nothing to do with superstition - I'm all about the science! It also gave us a chance to get used to it all, even though it is a planned pregnancy it's still such a rollercoaster of emotion initially and it gave us a chance to get settled into it all before sharing with everyone else.

At the time it seemed to drag on for ever, but pregnancy is long and you'll probably find yourself looking back at these posts in a few months wondering why you thought it was such a big deal, and maybe even being glad of the space you had before all and sundry started asking you baby questions and telling you baby stories every time you speak to anyone!

Stinkersmum,

My wife doesn't want me working away when she is pregnant. If I tell them she is pregnant they will not give me work away.

I can not see how that is hard to grasp.

She doesn't want you working away for the whole of pregnancy?

Or just the final run?

DC just so that I understand, if you tell your colleagues now that you are expecting a baby next year, they will be able to assign you work based on the fact that you might be on paternity leave etc. But if you tell them you have an ongoing medical issue that requires you to have appointments and be near home for the next year, they will not be able to do so?

I just don't understand why you have to say it's your wife's pregnancy or else you will not be accomodated.

I repeat - I had a medical condition that eventually required two operations and multiple appointments over more than a year and I never told my manager once the specific details of the condition.

EmDisco.

I know the science, get that. These select through people though, there is another reason for telling them.

The ones at work are not really part of the "big announcement" they don't even know my wife.

They set my workload and telling them to not send me to work away is something I can ask of them if permitted.

Oh,so now ypur wife will be distraught if you leave her?! There was no mention of this earlier?! Surely if she were so unable to cope without you being with her at all times she would be agreeing with you ref telling work?!
I actually can't believe how obtuse you ate being and your whole attitude to this situation saddens me to be honest. Are you this intense about everything?!
If you don't learn to chill out a bit, you will drive yourself mad - could potentially have another 37 weeks of pregnancy to go! You will drive your wife crazy-even if you say you won't say anything, if you are this intense and closed minded on here you can bet she will pick up on it at home and it will be irritating as hell!
All those whose comments you don't agree with-and let's face it that's most of us - really are only trying to help but it's becoming exasperating!

Newbain,

There are people at work with ongoing, serious medical conditions at work that they have disclosed. E.g. Lung Cancer.

I am not inventing one for the purpose of this. Thst is abhorrent.

Why will your wife be distraught?! Pregnancy can make you hormonal but it doesn't mean you can't exist without your husband by your side.

Also presumably she has considered this when you told her your work situation and has made still made the decision to keep it to yourselves until 12 weeks..do you not trust her decision making skills?

Well she was crying last night saying she would rather me quit than work away hullabaloo234 but I guess you know her much better than me so I must be wrong agaim I guess.

I didn't tell you to invent anything. I told you not to be specific. And don't get offended with me as you don't know the seriousness of the condition I am referencing. You are freaking out over your wife's pregnancy, and I'm telling you

A) as a currently pregnant woman with a husband in a demanding job that requires travel

B) as an employee myself who dealt with a serious medical condition in the past

that you are not obliged to tell your employer/partner/colleague the specific detail of the medical condition that requires you to take off work UNTIL it is confirmed and only then IF your company requires the full detail at the point.

This is why people are saying you don't listen.

Are you both quite young?

Not meant to sound rude.

Millimanezi,

See above.

I don't know why she would be upset? Because she would be totally isolated? It was my wife saying how "distraught" she would be, she used the word.

Hahaha stinkersmum

Not really One scoop 35 and 30.

She has no family though so to speak of.

Dead Dad, Absent Mum, Brothers and sister miles away. Wants people around her but thinks telling people with jinx the pregnancy.

I think it's going to be a very long pregnancy for both of you.

Lol, well you have showed yourself up as the bitch I thought you where Stinkers. Well done.

You to Grotbags. Why don't you both get off the thread and let me talk to the people who are actually decent.

DC way to win yourself support

Maybe you need to take a break from Mumsnet for a moment.

This has been a bit of a drip feed thread.

So many women tragically miscarry in these early stages; me and many friends included. It is awful having to tell people this and I can see why your wife would like to leave it for now.

No matter how much you feel people will not tell others, they quite often do through their own excitement.

You've got a long time to ask questions and relieve your anxieties

Loads of people have given you advice, the only thing you've taken on board is that you agreed to do is not tell anyone before 12 weeks even though you clearly feel the reasons are idiotic and "superstitious". It's insulting.

It seems as though everyone has more than answered your original questions OP - yes, it is normal to wait, yes you are expected just to keep it to yourself, particularly if that's your wife's wish. No one will think it odd you told some white lies at work, or didn't tell the full truth re why you need time off. It's perfectly acceptable to say "I need to work from home on Friday, I have a medical appointment", in a few weeks you can tell your colleagues what that appointment was and share the happy news and no one will think anything of it.

If you don't want to do that it's not mumsnet you need to convince, it's your wife. And you can only do that by talking to her, not us.