First Time Dad

[DC905210]

Hi everyone, sorry to invade Mumsnet, I can not find anything of much use on the Dad's side of things.

My wife is 4-5 weeks pregnant, and she does not want me to tell anyone until the first midwife appointment I understand the reasons for that (lots of people to tell if something goes wrong etc) but there are two elements of it I am uncomfortable with / frustrated at.

Firstly I work for a very small company where you can just tell if something is on someone's mind there is a calendar month today before the appointment. Is it normal to sit in an office with two other people (who incidentally I 100% trust to keep it to themselves) for a month pretending nothing is happening?

Paired with this the company is very flexible and such as the first midwifes appointment they would almost certainly let me work for home and fit around it but instead I will have to take a day off (which I assume for a new Dad could come in handy later on) to pretend I am doing something else. For what?

Secondly, she does not want to tell any family.

Between us we don't have Dad, they have both passed away and we do not speak to her Mum. My Brother has a two y/o little girl and a little boy due in November and I have a lot of stuff to ask him, my Mum as well will be our overriding principle support in everything we need help with, it is reasonable that I should accept not telling them for another month? They too are 100% guaranteed to not tell a sole.

It is not like (god forbid) if something did go wrong we would not bother telling them, the point is just lost on me.

Please don't take this as a moan of like "poor men" or anything but we don't have the support that woman have. I have read frightening sounding things about labour for example and I am anxious about it. I don't want to start adding to the pile of worries that my wife has about it but I am just expected to live with it for a month.

I am on none fee earning today for your information. I am not working on anything so my time is pretty much free.

If you really want the last word so badly then I graciously give it to you.

Make it good op, I'm on tenterhooks!!!

Thanks for your help. Bye.

If you go to every appointment and your wife never sees the midwives alone it will raise concerns - the odd thing here and there and the scans won't be a problem.

Um - it might have been more diplomatic to say to your wife

'work have assigned me away on the booking in date but can you see if you can rearrange it for the days I am free?'!

Saying you could not make it after she has specifically requested you go, was not the most sensible thing in the world and will have put her back up at a time when her hormones will be making her sensitive.

It may be that your wife realises that actually there's little need for you to attend every mw appointment, as she settles into the pregnancy. Some of them they really don't do much more than take your BP, make you do a wee to dipstick and take blood.

I have done a fair bit more reading into it EnGee actually and I must admit it dies seem a bit like I would be a spare part. It is just the potential of hearing the heartbeat she (and I wanted to do). :-)

And I understand that, it's truly lovely. Be aware though that in some areas midwives don't attempt to start listening to it until beyond 20 weeks. Although my midwife did at 16 weeks, a lot don't. The big appointments are really the scans and the booking in appointment. Although my DH only attended the booking in with no.1.

By no.2 OP, you're a bit more relaxed!

smiles

They won't do the heartbeat at booking, it's too early. My area will do it from the 24 week appointment, and don't do it at 16 weeks anymore. You or she can ask all about it at booking but in the meantime this page is good www.nhs.uk/conditions/pregnancy-and-baby/pages/antenatal-appointment-schedule.aspx

At the booking in appointment your wife (or both of you if you do go) can ask about the hospitals policy re heartbeats etc. You'll be told about the likely plan of appointments etc. Most are very dull.

Yeah they won't listen to the heartbeat until 12 week scan and possibly the 16 week midwife appt. some trusts won't use a Doppler to hear heart beat at 16 weeks anymore though.

Yeah the booking in appointment is all about both your medical history, giving you your hospital notes, taking blood, doing your BP and dipping your wee. And they will take your wife away to ask her about anymore domestic violence issues. It is far too early to listen to the hb. They should also go through the appointment plan with you and who to contact. They may or may not make your 12 week scan appointment, or you might get it through the post.

Personally the only time i really felt that I needed oh at my appointments was booking in (because it was so new and I was a bit overwhelmed) my scans and at my 36 week appointment because we went through my birth plan. He was there at my 16 week appointment to listen to heartbeat but I would have just recorded it on my phone if he wasn't.

You can buy an Angelcare Doppler on Amazon for about £20 and use it whenever you like at home. It takes a bit of practice but I could listen in from 13 weeks.

Firstly, congratulations! You will find that pregnancy feels verrrrry long!! You have plenty of time for your questions to be answered by your Mum/brother after 12 weeks, so don't worry about that!

It's nice that you're so aware of her feelings and that you have agreed not to tell your family until she is comfortable (so after your scan) and this is entirely normal as others have said, but I do think you might need to have a gentle conversation with her about the work situation. She sounds a bit sensitive and touchy (probably hormones and natural nerves!) but if she doesn't want you working away, especially after the baby is there, it sounds like you should tell your boss sooner rather than later - just common sense. I agree with you there. So maybe try and use your not being able to go to this first appointment to your advantage - to demonstrate that you should tell your boss asap to avoid being away after the baby arrives?

And down with the sexist insults! That attitude wouldn't be a nice thing to teach a child... although I can understand why you felt under attack.

Thank you everybody. There is some really good stuff in the last lot of posts since me smiles comment.

Bowies, the sexist insults were out of order. I honestly don't act like that in "real life".

It was out of order and I am sorry.

I'm sure, I think it's natural to lash out when you feel attacked! Good luck with the conversation with your wife!! I'm sure she'll see sense on the work front.

Can I just add that midwives really do not recommend buying a home Doppler as it's easy to not find the hb and panic or think you're listening to the hb when you aren't and therefore think everything is ok when maybe it isn't.

Bowies,

The work thing has sorr of passed by anyway now. I know my workload now up to October / November so we are stuck with that but at least that doesn't go too close to the due date so when they are looking for new jobs I will be in the "can tell people" zone.

Appointments going forward she will need to arrange on Mondays and Tuesdays.

EmGee, that is worth knowing. Thankyou.

DC , just wanted to add, my DH bought the book "pregnancy for men" which he found really useful in the early days. The book I bought however scared the pants off me and I hid it in a cupboard.

Hope you and your DW have a happy and calm next few months, it's a whirlwind!

It's really the scans you need to be there for. The midwife appointments are boring and routine! My husband came along to the 16wk one with me because we thought we might hear the heartbeat for the first time. We didn't! We were literally in and out in 5mins after she'd tested my wee and blood pressure. Right anticlimax!

Good luck and enjoy!

Fluffin, I am not tight, honestly I am not, lol.

I know my brother and his wife have a stack of books though so I and going to rob them when we tell him :-)

Thanks again Bowie too.