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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

First Time Dad

415 replies

DC905210 · 14/06/2015 08:06

Hi everyone, sorry to invade Mumsnet, I can not find anything of much use on the Dad's side of things.

My wife is 4-5 weeks pregnant, and she does not want me to tell anyone until the first midwife appointment I understand the reasons for that (lots of people to tell if something goes wrong etc) but there are two elements of it I am uncomfortable with / frustrated at.

Firstly I work for a very small company where you can just tell if something is on someone's mind there is a calendar month today before the appointment. Is it normal to sit in an office with two other people (who incidentally I 100% trust to keep it to themselves) for a month pretending nothing is happening?

Paired with this the company is very flexible and such as the first midwifes appointment they would almost certainly let me work for home and fit around it but instead I will have to take a day off (which I assume for a new Dad could come in handy later on) to pretend I am doing something else. For what?

Secondly, she does not want to tell any family.

Between us we don't have Dad, they have both passed away and we do not speak to her Mum. My Brother has a two y/o little girl and a little boy due in November and I have a lot of stuff to ask him, my Mum as well will be our overriding principle support in everything we need help with, it is reasonable that I should accept not telling them for another month? They too are 100% guaranteed to not tell a sole.

It is not like (god forbid) if something did go wrong we would not bother telling them, the point is just lost on me.

Please don't take this as a moan of like "poor men" or anything but we don't have the support that woman have. I have read frightening sounding things about labour for example and I am anxious about it. I don't want to start adding to the pile of worries that my wife has about it but I am just expected to live with it for a month.

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
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Stinkersmum · 15/06/2015 08:25
Flowers
Only1scoop · 15/06/2015 08:26

I am not saying this to be antagonistic ....but I would seriously take a step back now and have a think about some of the sound advice you have been offered.

I would also consider that as a public forum some of the details you have included re employment ....family issues....loans ....arrangements colleagues health.... could potentially make this quite identifiable. Perhaps something to just keep in mind.

You certainly do not come across as someone who works within a legal environment.

I think you both need to have a sit down and discuss how you feel. Does your dw suffer with anxiety?perhaps she could speak to someone regarding this.

WorldsBiggestGrotbag · 15/06/2015 08:26

Best of luck with your wife's pregnancy OP Flowers

hullabaloo234 · 15/06/2015 08:26

This reply has been deleted

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hullabaloo234 · 15/06/2015 08:27

If by scum bag you mean a poster didn't say what you wanted to hear, then yes I must be Grin

Stinkersmum · 15/06/2015 08:29

Am I a scum bag? Or just a bitch? Or maybe both? ?

WorldsBiggestGrotbag · 15/06/2015 08:30

I'm definitely both. 100%.

Stinkersmum · 15/06/2015 08:32

Hi-5 Grotbag

sianihedgehog · 15/06/2015 08:33

I feel sorry for OPs wife. I used to be married to a guy who preferred making everything into a big drama to just saying what he wanted and compromising. That went well.

hullabaloo234 · 15/06/2015 08:33

grotbag Grin

scarletforya · 15/06/2015 08:39

You need to calm down OP. You're anxious and over thinking everything. Just keep the news to yourself. It's only a month. You say you're 30 or 35? Haven't you ever kept a secret before. Just mentally put it in a box until later.

I'm surprised you feel you can't sit in a room with your colleagues without the information somehow dribbling out of you. You need to catch a hold of yourself. People hold all kinds of information in all the time.It's part of being an adult. You need to stop flapping and calm down.

LittleBearPad · 15/06/2015 08:43

You're 35 and 30. I've been assuming you were mid-twenties at most! Do get a sense of proportion.

Trapper · 15/06/2015 08:47

My wife and I have two children. Being pregnant is a bit of a head-fuck. Suddenly having an actual person growing inside you and completely dependent on you is something that takes time to come to terms with. It is also a deeply personal experience.
Personally, I agree with you - I get why you would not tell all and sundry prior to 12 weeks, but I would appreciate the support of those closest to me. If you need to talk to someone about it, then go ahead - it is your baby too. But make sure you discuss your intention with your wife first - not a great start to a pregnancy if you are lying to each other Grin. If you can manage without talking to anyone else though, I would encourage you to respect your wife's wishes and give her time to get her head around the pregnancy, before making others aware. I would also make sure you take a coordinated approach to telling friends and family to ensure your mother and brother hear the news as soon as everyone else - and from you.
Your work medical insurance is unlikely to cover scans or anything to do with pregnancy I'm afraid. Incidentally, the timing of the scan is not due to waiting lists, but because it is a good time in the pregnancy cycle to check for a heartbeat and other such vital indicators. Paying for a private scan is certainly possible, but may not tell you much this early on.

Only1scoop · 15/06/2015 08:48

A couple of these behaviours a little strange for a....lawyer.

Hhhhmmmmm

Jackiebrambles · 15/06/2015 08:53

Such intensity from op! it's going to be such a long 9 months!

LittleBearPad · 15/06/2015 09:15

A very long 9 months and then post-birth too! Quite exhausting

Stinkersmum · 15/06/2015 09:18

Can you imagine the fuss after then baby arrives???? It'll be like the second coming! Wine

NickiFury · 15/06/2015 09:28

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OhEmGeee · 15/06/2015 09:32

I think it's going to be a very long pregnancy for both of you

I think for everyone else too.

OP you may think we're all being harsh but here's the thing, we've all been there and done it, or are doing it. We get that pregnancy is new and exciting. I have two DC, I get it.

But what sort of support do you need at 4 weeks? If anything was to go wrong then absolutely but what else? It's exciting to think and speculate but that's between you and your wife. Apart from that, read the NHS website about what foods to avoid (and don't google), take folic acid and go see your GP or self refer to the midwife. That really is it right now.

Why is your wife so distraught at you going away during pregnancy? Life really does carry on as normal. Especially once you've got the scan out the way, the sickness settles down (and it isn't morning sickness, it's anytime sickness), generally the second trimester is the easy bit. I didn't have family near me at all, a lot of people don't. Have you not got friends? Your wife has siblings who surely are a phone call away. No one is going to sit and hold your hand for 9 months.

Pregnancy is long, at some point when the news has sunk in, you'll realise life does just carry on.

NerrSnerr · 15/06/2015 09:37

OhEmGee talks sense. I had an awful pregnancy but still managed to function fine. My husband was away for 3 weeks when I was 6 months pregnant. It wasn't great (as there was no one to bring me chocolate) but it's his job and necessary. Unless very unwell there is no reason why you can't go away with work.

Pregnancy is normal, lots of us have done it and there is no need for all this drama.

Jackiebrambles · 15/06/2015 09:40

Op's wife wasn't distraught at the thought of him working away when he started the thread. We might have given very different answers in that case!

His op was about telling his family for support but that morphed into his 'duty of care' to work and how his Extremely Inportant Job couldn't possibly not be told immediately.

WannabeLaraCroft · 15/06/2015 09:42

As usual on this site, as soon as a man posts looking for advice, he gets hung, drawn and quartered.

Congratulations on the pregnancy DC905210.

I think it's very common for the partner of pregnant woman to feel a bit confused and frustrated. My DH certainly didn't understand why I didn't want people to know straight away, but he just shrugged and agreed we'd tell when I was ready, which I appreciate you are going to do, going by your updates.

I know op says he is not following any more, but had to add my support.

Stinkersmum · 15/06/2015 09:46

He got plenty of advice. Kindly put too. But he didn't like what he was being told and continued to argue his point. He didn't really want advice at all, just someone to back him and his wants up.

newbian · 15/06/2015 09:46

WannabeLaraCroft that's totally unfair.

I asked OP if he can tell work without being specific that he has medical appointments that will require staying closing to home for the coming months, and he accused me of telling him to lie about having cancer.

His own behavior is why he has gotten a bad reaction.

NickiFury · 15/06/2015 09:49

Yes he sounds really lovely and hard done to with his calling posters "bitches" and "scumbags", a real charmer Hmm.

He wasn't "hung, drawn and quartered" either. He received perfectly sensible and friendly advice until he started tantrumming. Clearly this is a person who likes being in charge and doesn't like a bunch of people women telling him he's being a bit of a tool.

A woman would been told briskly to sort herself out to if she'd posted similar.