First Time Dad

[DC905210]

Hi everyone, sorry to invade Mumsnet, I can not find anything of much use on the Dad's side of things.

My wife is 4-5 weeks pregnant, and she does not want me to tell anyone until the first midwife appointment I understand the reasons for that (lots of people to tell if something goes wrong etc) but there are two elements of it I am uncomfortable with / frustrated at.

Firstly I work for a very small company where you can just tell if something is on someone's mind there is a calendar month today before the appointment. Is it normal to sit in an office with two other people (who incidentally I 100% trust to keep it to themselves) for a month pretending nothing is happening?

Paired with this the company is very flexible and such as the first midwifes appointment they would almost certainly let me work for home and fit around it but instead I will have to take a day off (which I assume for a new Dad could come in handy later on) to pretend I am doing something else. For what?

Secondly, she does not want to tell any family.

Between us we don't have Dad, they have both passed away and we do not speak to her Mum. My Brother has a two y/o little girl and a little boy due in November and I have a lot of stuff to ask him, my Mum as well will be our overriding principle support in everything we need help with, it is reasonable that I should accept not telling them for another month? They too are 100% guaranteed to not tell a sole.

It is not like (god forbid) if something did go wrong we would not bother telling them, the point is just lost on me.

Please don't take this as a moan of like "poor men" or anything but we don't have the support that woman have. I have read frightening sounding things about labour for example and I am anxious about it. I don't want to start adding to the pile of worries that my wife has about it but I am just expected to live with it for a month.

Some forward planning might be necessary but I work as a lawyer in a similar field to yours and allowances are made if your expert is not going to be available for a particular period.

I was one of the lead lawyers on a case going to hearing in Paris when I would have been 38 weeks. I was planning to do it, health permitting. Unfortunately, I miscarried that pregnancy, but my work life didn't stop because I was up the duff!

You sound very excited to be a dad-to-be, DC905! Congratulations! I personally think it's great that you're so keen to go to appointments and go shopping for baby stuff - enjoy it, it's a lot of fun.

I agree with the general consensus that it's best to have this as a joint decision, or, in a difference of opinions, go with your wife's call on when to tell people.

But, you haven't addressed a few specific suggestions that sounded like good ones to me :

1. I would say, most importantly, you need to make sure your wife really truly knows the implications of delaying telling your work. Does she know about this upcoming contract that's due to be awarded soon involving 1 year+ of working far away and staying in hotels? (I would have thought most people even if very superstitious might make an exception in this particular circumstance).

2. If number (1) is not acceptable to your wife, then can you tell your boss that you're going to start trying for a baby and you're concerned that you don't want to be on placements far away? I realise this doesn't sound like much compared to your work colleagues' family problems, but as a PP said, your boss may take the hint that you're really implying your wife is already pregnant but at a very early stage.

I think these are the most important things to consider. I'd echo what others have said that each of you telling one person a bit earlier e.g. your brother / her best friend for support, can be really helpful, but think this would be something to discuss with your wife in a few weeks' time. And I agree with other people that it's better not to worry about the money issue with your mum, that's not a big deal in the grand scheme of things and keeping your wife happy is far more important.

Don't know why others have said you're not listening, by the way, you seem to be taking lots of what people have said on board!

Good luck!

OP, I have to be honest , this "I am not even going to ask her because I don't want to pressure her" thing that you keep saying kind of gets my back up. That's a really unhealthy way to approach it, she's not a fragile baby-vessel, she's your wife, and sounds quite strong minded and independent. I am sure she'd rather you discussed the issues about work that would mean staying in London several days a week, and about your need for a bit of emotional support, rather than just swallowing them and saying "I told you so" later. :/

Basically, not telling anyone until 12 weeks is absolutely the norm, but for gods sake, if you really feel like you should tell someone, just discuss it with her like adults!

"CainInThePunting

You're married yes? So presumably this pregnancy was not entirely unplanned? How much effing support do you feel you need at this stage that you want to bring family AND work into it before the first scan??
It's a pregnancy not a terminal illness!
You need to Woman Up my friend."

I take it from that response you have read / understood practically nothing I have explained above.

Hedgehog,

Not mentioning is what has been the main recommendation on her. Which is why I chose that option.

Eurochick

"Some forward planning might be necessary but I work as a lawyer in a similar field to yours and allowances are made if your expert is not going to be available for a particular period."

That is all very well but I consider it disproportionate to excersise such allowances because you have withheld information because of a superstition that I don't personally believe.

For me I either advise them now or deal with the consequences of not telling them.

I am not disrupting things as a result of what would be my own unreasonable conduct.

Oh my god IT'S NOT A SUPERSTITION.

I don't understand why you can't talk to her about it either but at the same time from the way you have reacted here I can't see you being able to discuss it in a calm non- passive aggressive way so perhaps it's for the best.

DC905210 you're not going to get the answer you want here, unfortunately. I mentioned this thread to my husband and he said "Is the guy posting extremely young? How odd to want to tell his work at 5 weeks."

DH has a senior role and travels for work, we don't live anywhere near family and he has managed with no problems to have his schedule adjusted after telling his boss at 12 weeks that we are expecting. I've been alone for 3 weeks total while he's been on work trips during the pregnancy so far (I'm 19 weeks) and it's been no issue at all. I never had vomiting morning sickness and the only time he's needed to take off is for doctor's appointments.

Before I was pregnant I had a medical condition that took several months to confirm before I had an operation. I never told my manager what I was having appointments for as it was none of his business. Most managers are not in the business of inquiring further if you say you have an appointment, they are personal! You can even tell you team that you have some ongoing medical issues that will require some time off over the next few months - which is 100% true - and you are under absolutely no obligation to be more specific about it.

Unreasonable conduct?! I really don't understand your attitude to work with this - hsve other male colleagues announced to the team that their wife is expecting a baby at such an early stage?! My guess would be not.
You are not legally obliged to notify them until ypur wife is 25 weeks pregant, so waiting until your wife has had a scan and a viable pregnancy confirmed really shouldn't be a problem. If it is, perhaps you should get up and walk as you say and work for a firm that are more reasonable and respect the relevant employment law on this.

Superstition?????? 1 in 6 pregnancies end in miscarriage. Statistics from the NHS. Seriously, what is wrong with you?

New.

I thought that also. Also due to the amounts of information you have given. Payments made to your mother .... Amounts etc. other details. The way you talk about work....

Time to try to relax a little or this could be a really long pregnancy for all involved.

Haven't read all the messages but I just wanted to say two things. The first is that I think although it's your baby as well, your wife is the one doing the hard bit at the moment and I think you should absolutely respect her wishes. Pregnancy can be a very stressful time physically and emotionally and anything you can do to make her feel supported you should do. Second, it's only a few weeks! You should be able to keep something private for your wife secret for a few weeks. We decided to wait quite a while be for telling people, even when we found out the sex, and I thought it would be really tough, but actually it's been easier than I thought. It gets easier once you get past the initial excitement where it's hard to keep it in. Also, it's very difficult to know how people at work etc will react or if you can really trust them to be discreet. Your colleagues would most likely tell their partners for example. Perhaps your wife just wants to keep it private for a while and there's nothing wrong with that. It's not exactly an unusual to thing - most women feel that way at the beginning. Good luck.

Apparrot,

Thank you for your nice message.

I have told my wife about the contract issues initially. She said she still doesn't want me to say so I have, following advice on here decided to go with waiting 12 weeks.

Same with me wanting to be able to talk to my brother. My wife says no until 12 weeks so I am leaving it as that.

It is not too long, 7 and a bit weeks really. It would help me but my wife is more important in this. I will just keep my head down at work and carry on. :-)

Stinkersmum.

The superstition element is the idea telling someone jinxes the pregnancy and causes a miscarriage.

Ok. Well superstition or not, the fact is that 1 in 6 end in miscarriage.

I.e "I don't want my husband's colleagues knowing I'm pregnant this early in case anything happens and complete strangers then know I've had a miscarriage".
Honestly I find the way you're minimising this concern as "superstitious" incredibly patronising.
Anyway you've said you won't say anything till 12 weeks, great, it's a shame you still don't seem to agree with why that's a good idea despite numerous people telling you.

hullabaloo234,

The reason I am in the positon I am and get paid the amount I do is because I behave reasonablly and don't just push my rights to the max but not take responsibility for my actions.

If I tell them they will be sympathetic when choosing new work and I have always been told that with the caveat "please just let us know if your circumstances change and we will do our best for you".

I have decided to not tell them so if I get work elsewhere that is my responsibility and I will deal with it.

As long as your wife is fully aware of the possible implications of not mentioning it at work, then just hang fire.

However, the funny thing is as all pp have said, pregnancy goes on and on for what seems like ages and then weirdly the first year of your child's life passes in a flash which then speeds up as they get older.
Don't know why.

Hope all goes well. Sure everyone will be delighted when you do finally get to spill the beans. And as someone upthread said don't treat your dw too much as a precious flower. Being pg does not render her incapable.

I HAVE NOT SAID IT IS SUPERSTITION THAT ONE IN SIX ENDS IN MISCARRIAGE FFS!

How many more times do I have to explain this massively simple concept?!

The reason my wife (not me) does not want me to tell my closer colleagues at work, who set my workload is because she (not me) thinks it will jinx the pregnancy. I don't think it will jinx the pregnancy because it IS superstition. Me telling my "boss" withh not make my wife miscarry. End of.

how many times does it have to be said! not telling your employer that your wife is pregnant immediately after peeing on a stick IS NOT UNREASONABLE! I honestly don't understand why you would think that it is!
If your GP said to you today that they wanted to refer you for a barrage of tests for something, would you go straight into the office and 'not bullshit' your colleagues by telling them immediately that you might have x condition and therefore don't schedule me any work just in case?! This really isn't all that different- a positive pregnancy test unfortunately often doesn't mean a baby-I've been there and I was so glad that the only person who knew about it when I lost my baby was my DP, it was such a painful and private time I would have been mortified if his colleagues knew and I had to discuss it with his family because they knew too.
PLEASE stop seeing this as YOUR issue, your wife is pregnant, take it one day at a time and follow her lead.

Mink.

Thanks for that. She does understand the implications yes. I have not reapeated them to avoid pressure a I will deal with the consequences as and when.

AND MY POINT WAS REGARDLESS OF WHETHER YOU BELIEVE IN SUPERSTITIONS OR NOT, THERE IS STILL A 1 IN 6 CHANCE OF MISCARRIAGE SO WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO TELL ANYONE NOW ANYWAY. I WAS TRYING TO GIVE YOU A VALID REASON NOT TO SAY ANYTHING. FFS. HOW OBTUSE CAN YOU GET?

DC can you address my suggestion of telling work you have a medical situation that will require time off for appointments and being near home, without specifying that it's your wife's pregnancy until 12 weeks? Seems it would resolve your issues quite easily.

Hullabaloo234,

The work situation is my issue because only I can alter I.

I know for a fact if I get sent to work away my wife with be disraught and I am anxious because that is likely to happen between now and twelve weeks.

It is a real think that will happen leaving my wife on her own, crying and not knowing what to do THAT is what I am worried about not getting to go for a few celebration beers with my work mates or working from home more.

Newbain,

That wont solve anything no becausr we are talking about workload planning on court cases up to a year on the future.