First Time Dad

[DC905210]

Hi everyone, sorry to invade Mumsnet, I can not find anything of much use on the Dad's side of things.

My wife is 4-5 weeks pregnant, and she does not want me to tell anyone until the first midwife appointment I understand the reasons for that (lots of people to tell if something goes wrong etc) but there are two elements of it I am uncomfortable with / frustrated at.

Firstly I work for a very small company where you can just tell if something is on someone's mind there is a calendar month today before the appointment. Is it normal to sit in an office with two other people (who incidentally I 100% trust to keep it to themselves) for a month pretending nothing is happening?

Paired with this the company is very flexible and such as the first midwifes appointment they would almost certainly let me work for home and fit around it but instead I will have to take a day off (which I assume for a new Dad could come in handy later on) to pretend I am doing something else. For what?

Secondly, she does not want to tell any family.

Between us we don't have Dad, they have both passed away and we do not speak to her Mum. My Brother has a two y/o little girl and a little boy due in November and I have a lot of stuff to ask him, my Mum as well will be our overriding principle support in everything we need help with, it is reasonable that I should accept not telling them for another month? They too are 100% guaranteed to not tell a sole.

It is not like (god forbid) if something did go wrong we would not bother telling them, the point is just lost on me.

Please don't take this as a moan of like "poor men" or anything but we don't have the support that woman have. I have read frightening sounding things about labour for example and I am anxious about it. I don't want to start adding to the pile of worries that my wife has about it but I am just expected to live with it for a month.

I was pregnant a few months ago. I say was, the nhs say 20% of pregnancy confirmed by a pregnancy test result is miscarriage. Some studies place it as higher. For me telling people about my miscarriage was like telling people about personal medically information because that is was it was. I needed the support of my best friends, sister and I told close work colleagues. I did not tell my parents or DH parents. He told some of his friends and one of his lovely female colleagues worked it out and mentioned it to him in a acting way. I could. It have coped with everybody knowing. My miscarriage lasted over 8 weeks and I needed to keep some aspects of my life normal.

But her need to keep it private could be for many reasons, her body is ch ageing very fast, she will be feeling vulnerable, she may sent to keep the news private.

This is your child but her body and her pregnancy. She gets to call the shots.

I don't really understand this either. Why the urgency? I can only think of one person whose pregnancy I knew about before the 12 week mark. That is the conventional point to tell people. We told family after our scan and I told work at around 14 weeks, when I was starting to show. I miscarried my first pregnancy and never told most people about that. We told our parents after it happened. I told just a couple of people at work as I had to cancel a work trip abroad on the day the MC happened.

You surely really only need one another's support at this stage. I needed someone to be sympathetic and try to get me to eat something when I felt dreadful and nauseous. I didn't need a cast of thousands for that.

Early pregnancy can be a terrifying time, especially if she has friends who have sufferered from miscarriages. Not having a relationship with her mum will be making this time harder, as that would naturally be a person to confide in.
There's something really special and bonding about only the two of you knowing. You're in a little cocoon at the moment and it should be a really precious time.
Pregnancy drags on for ages, there's so much time ahead of you to share the news.
One other thing to think about is that when the news is out, everyone thinks it's their business too. Which can be pretty overwhelming and intrusive at times.
Please try and enjoy this little family bubble you have and talk to your wife about how you feel. This is the most important time to be on the same page with things.

Congratulations. It's lovely that you're so excited, but as others have said, it's a long road and there's plenty of time to ask for advice etc.

We found out at 4 weeks and didnt tell a soul until 13 weeks. When I had horrible morning sickness and was a tired mess it was really hard not to call my mom, but looking back, it gave DH the chance to be the sole support, and help me through. We are now 26 weeks and he has just been phenomenal. It was also lovely to have the secret to ourselves for a while, as, as someone mentioned above, as soon as you start telling people it's pretty much the only topic of conversation and you feel like you're public property.

Enjoy having it to yourselves, support her (as everything is going to start going haywire soon) and just talk to her.

Congratulations, first of all

Do speak to your DW about how you feel - none of us can solve this for you.

Having said that, I think it's not uncommon for the expectant father bursting with excitement and wanting to shout the good news from the roof tops and their pregnant partner being very much more cautious.

Fwiw, we told my parents from when I had a positive pregnancy test, they told other family members (which was fine with me at the time) and I then miscarried. Having to 'untell' really added to the distress tbh.
We did not tell until 12 weeks thereafter - which was just as well as I had 4 early MCs.

I think you are over thinking what your work could do for you. And yes, most private insurance will cover nothing related to pregnancy AFAIK.
And if you suddenly needed time off, there's plenty of time to inform your work then.

Wrt the first MW appointment: by all means go with your DW if she would like that, but it is actually rather boring. 1001 questions including those about domestic abuse (you will not be allowed in the room for those), blood taking and an early scan being arranged, not usually done. Being present at the scan is much more interesting than the MW appointment IMO - even I as the pregnant woman felt that

I hope it all goes terribly well for you both, but you do need to start pacing yourself a bit. The next 8 months will be very long for you otherwise

Yeah I'm 39 weeks almost, fuck me this pregnancy has taken forever!!

You need to discuss this with your wife. Everyone is different in this regard. I have friends that put their pregnancy test on Facebook and others that don't announce until the baby is safely here. Neither is right or wrong but you need to work out what is right for you both.

I announced my 1st pregnancy early and regretted it, as I felt I was in a goldfish bowl. This time I told close family at about 4 months, and a few others after the 20 week scan. I'm waiting until 25 weeks to tell work (this is viability stage) and wider circles of friends.

A few reasons for this are that not everything goes to plan. I'm not trying to scare you but there's miscarriage, missed miscarriage, ectopic, screening test results for disabilities and conditions incompatible with life, many conditions are looked for at the 20 week anomaly scan. All this might be running through her head.
Some people love the support of others if things go wrong but others (like me) are more private. Neither is right or wrong but you have to discuss this as a couple as I expect you both feel differently about this.

By the way, the first midwife appointment isn't very exciting - they just book you in and ask questions about medical history. A form filling appointment mainly. If you are struggling for time off I'd recommend taking time off for the 2 scans.

My DH didn't come with me to the first midwife appt (or any actually!) either time. They are very very dull. Save time off for the scans!

Same here, 2 pregnancies and dh only came for scans - they are the important bit!

Personally I don't understand not telling family until 12 weeks. It's not going to change the outcome. I think it's almost made into a society taboo and it's one of those things you just don't talk about.

I didn't tell anyone but hubby with our first and we lost it at 8 weeks. It was so much worse having to tell our family 'we were pregnant but now we're not' than to explain something had gone wrong. Also the strain of keeping the secret was awful. We didn't tell anyone for our second and lost it at five weeks.

Our third we just told close family the day after we found out and it was so much easier to have their support and not have the strain of keeping it a secret. Thankfully that pregnancy resulted in our beautiful two year old daughter. I fell pregnant again last year and again we told immediate family right away. She's now a gurgling 4 month old.

My point is that I don't understand why people keep it a secret in general. It's almost like the pregnancy isn't valid until 12 weeks which tbh means people are much more dismissive of a loss before 12 weeks.

I think it's something you and your wife need to properly discuss and maybe reach a compromise. It has to be a joint decision and not just one your wife makes or you make.
I probably wouldn't tell work this early but close family.

I think it's up to your wife. Most people don't tell until after the 12 week scan. It seems like a long time when you're in it, but in the scheme of things it isn't.

I told my manager at work before my 12 week scan, but only because I had a bleed at work (around week 7) and needed to leave early because of it to get checked out. My husband told his manager when I had a second bleed at around 11 weeks as that was really scary - I really thought I was having a miscarriage (I wasn't but it was a lot of blood), so that he could be with me at the hospital.

We didn't tell our other colleagues until later.

I've worked in small teams and can really understand why you'd want to tell them as it's such massive news. But if you can wait then it might be easier for you as the questions you get asked are incessant - names, sex, due date etc - this early on you probably don't have a clear idea of any of these things!

As for telling family, I think that is a bit different. I would talk to your wife about it as you're clearly wanting the support of your brother. I told my twin sister straight away as I couldn't imagine something so big happening to me without talking to her about it so I do get what you're saying. However, I chose not to tell anyone else in the family, but she let the cat out the bag when I thought I was having that early miscarriage! It made the whole experience more difficult for me because my mum couldn't understand why I hadn't told her (to shield her from grief if I did miscarry - my dad died just over a year ago and she's not coping brilliantly).

Finally, congratulations on your wife's pregnancy, I hope everything goes smoothly for her (and you!)

I think it depends on the family Rosey and how each person deals with it. It's great your family were supportive but sadly not all are.
In my case I know that DH's family would not agree with a termination due to a condition incompatible with life. And that's not something I'd be prepared to deal with as that's their view and its not going to change. Hence us telling them after the anomaly scan just in case.
When my SIL had a miscarriage the family were very awkward about it and every time she talks about it the topic is shut down. It's sad, but not every family is the same and supportive in the same way.
I think women should be able to talk about these things if they want to though, of course.
Only the OP knows how their family will react and if they'd like that support or not.

If you do go to the booking in appointment do not take it personally when they ask you to step out of the room when they ask the safeguarding questions. Violence from partners often escalates in pregnancy and it's extremely important that they ask all women if their partner is abusive. It's not a comment on you personally.

Thank you for all your comments people, it is really appreciate it.

I think I have misrepresented what I am saying a bit though, I have talked to my wife about it, I have not just decided to have Mumsnet as my first port of call.

The reason she wants to wait is because it is considered bad luck and could jinx it, there is not a hell of of a lot more to it than that to be honest.

I am also not saying work will help with support aspects of if things do or don't happen, however they ar extremely supportive on flexibility of time etc.

To the point that if she had bad morning sickness I am sure they would say work from home and for the midwife appointment they would also say work from home. It is not as simple as saying I am going to the doctors for one thing and go for something else instead, I don't drive at the minute and work over an hour and a half train ride away, to compensate for this if I go to the doctors I get a 7am appointment.

We are also a a small practice of construction law consultants and time is money to us in every sense, time off is very costly to them and me because I get bonuses linked to fee earning etc. (please don't jump down my throat for bringing money up because not a penny of what I earn will be spent on anything but the baby from now on).

Because they are flexible and small I owe them a duty of care not to mess them about in my opinion because they are excellent employers which most new parents would be very grateful of I am sure. The fact I am not allowed to be straight with them makes me uncomfortable if I am honest.

Especially given the reason is "it might jinx it" and more so especially given that they have never as much as spoken to My wife, never mind gossip about her.

I really don't like the way your 'duty' to your employer is clouding your judgment on this.

I really hope you havent said that to your wife.

Talk about unfair pressure!!

It's really hard to get your head around a pregnancy, even if it's very much wanted. It freaks you out!! Plus there's the fear of their being 'nothing there' until you actually see it yourself at the scan.

Please don't make her feel guilty for wanting to do what most people do and keep it quiet til the scan. She needs your support.

I'm just hoping you're not going to be so pressuring and making it All About You, throughout the entire pregnancy.

OP, early pregnancy is a very weird time for a lot of women. Not only do you have to wrap your head around the idea that you're suddenly growing a new person and therefore are somehow two-not-one now, there are also a LOT of hormones to deal with.

You have to let her take the lead. Trust me when I say this is not, nor does it have to be, all about logic. Nor is it about you.

You do know other parents to be have jobs too, don't you? I'm a partner in a law firm and find your attitude to your job a bit odd, to be honest. I know my team has a life outside work, as do I! I don't need to know the ins and outs of it.

As others have said, you might as well not bother with the first mw appointment. It's dull form filling and a blood draw. My husband came to a lot of fertility treatment appointments, the scans and a lot of Dr appointments in the last weeks when I was having problems, but he didn't bother with that one.

Once you tell your employer they might want to know how long you are taking off (there's shared parental leave now), when you are taking the time off, etc. They may be especially keen to know if as you say, time is money to them. That can be tricky if you don't know yourself yet. So, another thing to think about.
And I know you think everyone will notice there's something on your mind but they probably won't. Most people aren't very observant
I'm 21 weeks almost and my employer hasn't noticed, and it's harder to hide for a female than a male!

When I'm reading your posts all I am hearing is you, you, you.

To put it bluntly when it comes to pregnancy it's all about the woman, she is the one who is dealing with the life changing crap load of hormones being pregnant brings. No matter how long you have been planning for a baby the moment that second line appears you are faced with a whole load of fears about what the fuck you have done, how the fuck am I going to cope, we can't do this etc.

The hormones hit pretty fast, at best she'll be feeling super tired, at worst she'll be throwing up 30 times a day (yes really, google hyperemesis).

Take a step fucking back and do what she is comfortable with, she is the one dealing with all the physical and emotional crap being pregnant brings, what she does not need is a selfish, tantruming adult making it all about him.

I am not pressuring her in any way, I am avoiding even saying I have an opinion that differs to hers in any way, hence asking others on her.

I am fairly sure I have said "duty of care" in my post as well, not duty, they are quite different.

I am not working for a company that is like a lot of people know either it is a legal practice which I am on the verge of becoming a director of myself, there is no "employer / employee" cat and mouse going on or anything, basically if I need to work from home a lot, that will be fine but that needs to be in the context of me explaining honestly why I want to work from home.

Until we do tell them I will just have to annual leave, simple, albeit at the expense of saving annual leave for when the baby is born which seems unnecessary from my view point.

Er... yes totally normally to keep this to yourself for a while, and better that way until you get the 12 week scan out of the way.
Can't you explain you have a medical appointment for the first one? You do, really.
My husband didn't come to appointments other than scans anyway (assuming your wife knows your/close family health issues if any already) but I appreciate some people prefer to be together.

I honestly don't think you'll need time off before the scan anyway. So you take a day off a/l for that. Or just say you need the boiler repaired and work from home!

As we've said you aren't needed for the booking in appt. it's just form filling and blood/ urine tests. unless your wife wants you to come of course.

If she needs support from you due to morning sickness then deal with that as it happens, I didnt get any in my first pregnancy.

I'm not sure why you feel you will need to workfrom home a lot?! I turned 4 weeks pregnant today and in total my DP has taken leave only for my 12 week scan and 20 week scan, what else could you need time for?
I suffered with horrendous morning sickness and spent time signed off work but what good would it have done for him to be there? I was much better off being left to get on with it and imagine most women feel this way. I'm sorry but I agree with other posters, you sound shockingly self absorbed, it really isn't your decision to make I'm afraid when people get told, it is your wife's.
As for work colleagues noticing something is up, really?! I tend to find most people keep to themselves at work and get on with what they are there to do!
It really is early days, take this one step at a time and for goodness sake, follow her lead!! It's a scary time, early pregnancy. I don't really start to enjoy it until that 20 week scan is done and I know my baby is ok.

You sound more concerned about your work colleagues, saving a days AL and everything else apart from your wife's feelings!

You have no idea how difficult pregnancy is for a woman... Especially the first few months when it is bloody petrifying not knowing if everything is ok etc until the scan.., and even then you still worry right up until the birth!

You should support your wife 100% in her decision.

God forbid anything did go wrong... Having to tell people even close family etc is heartbreaking and for the woman in particular to then have the thought of what people are thinking, people being on egg shells or ever bringing it up!! It's not on. I know this from experience when we lost our first baby at 6 weeks... We only told close family about a handful and it was so awkward after with family not knowing what to say do etc. It made the whole situation worse!

You are in this together yes, but ultimately your wife is the one carrying this baby.

All I get from your posts is, and as a poster points out above it's all about you you you. I'm sorry but you sound selfish and not supportive.

I hope you are reading everyone's posts and realising that you should support your wife'a decision.