First Time Dad

[DC905210]

Hi everyone, sorry to invade Mumsnet, I can not find anything of much use on the Dad's side of things.

My wife is 4-5 weeks pregnant, and she does not want me to tell anyone until the first midwife appointment I understand the reasons for that (lots of people to tell if something goes wrong etc) but there are two elements of it I am uncomfortable with / frustrated at.

Firstly I work for a very small company where you can just tell if something is on someone's mind there is a calendar month today before the appointment. Is it normal to sit in an office with two other people (who incidentally I 100% trust to keep it to themselves) for a month pretending nothing is happening?

Paired with this the company is very flexible and such as the first midwifes appointment they would almost certainly let me work for home and fit around it but instead I will have to take a day off (which I assume for a new Dad could come in handy later on) to pretend I am doing something else. For what?

Secondly, she does not want to tell any family.

Between us we don't have Dad, they have both passed away and we do not speak to her Mum. My Brother has a two y/o little girl and a little boy due in November and I have a lot of stuff to ask him, my Mum as well will be our overriding principle support in everything we need help with, it is reasonable that I should accept not telling them for another month? They too are 100% guaranteed to not tell a sole.

It is not like (god forbid) if something did go wrong we would not bother telling them, the point is just lost on me.

Please don't take this as a moan of like "poor men" or anything but we don't have the support that woman have. I have read frightening sounding things about labour for example and I am anxious about it. I don't want to start adding to the pile of worries that my wife has about it but I am just expected to live with it for a month.

FWIW nearly 3 years ago I had a pregnancy that looked like it was going very wrong. (Miraculously it turned into my 2 year old.) At the time my dh had a very new boss so he didn't really want to discuss the ins and outs of something so personal with him (I was fine with him telling and had told my boss but I'd known him for the best part of 10 years) but he was taking time off for appointments and there was a reasonable chance that he might have to walk out of work at some point with no more than a "gotta go".

So he said "Apologies for the late arrival today. I'm afraid it may happen again or I may need to leave without warning. It is a personal matter relating to my family that I will be able to explain in the near future but can't right now."

And his boss said "that's fine - text if you can but if not don't worry".

Can you not do a similar thing with your director:-

"Apologies but would it be possible for me to not be put on Project XYZ and in the future for me not to work away from home due to personal reasons."

Evening all, glad to see this thread settling down. We have made a number of deletions, please do report anything you think we have missed.

I have just read the majority of the thread and am pleased to see you are at least getting some decent responses OP! Some people have been unnecessarily horrible but this forum gets like that sometimes - try not to take it personally...
I see that your work issue has largely resolved itself regarding the allocation now anyway.
You and your wife are in for a roller coaster of a ride, I agree with those who have said listen to her but don't treat her like a delicate little flower - it is mainly about her of course, but your feelings are valid too.
Anyway, good luck and congratulations to you both - and don't give up on mumsnet just yet, you can get some great advice :)

Congrats!

Me and my husband seem incapable of not telling anyone. We were TTC for quite a while.

We had always decided to tell very close friends and family, to celebrate should all go well and support should the worse happen. My work colleagues also know as my job could potentially be dangerous through out pregnancy and as with you, it's a small, close knit set up.

However more people (than is possibly wise) know, as it would seem we just can't help it! Have worn our news as a Cheshire Cat grin if nothing else and they guess.

12 week scan Monday and needless to say were strongly hoping for the best. But I suppose if it all goes wrong people will get why we might not be ourselves for a while.

Hope you guys can come to a compromise.

All the best!

I don't get why this thread got so nasty.
I also really hate the taboo that you can't tell anyone before 12 weeks. It makes early pregnancy and subsequently miscarriage, something that is expected to be hidden and not discussed.

I haven't read the thread as I noticed the mumsnet comment about things getting a bit nasty.

OP - I do think you are being very unreasonable here. Whilst this is obviously a big life change for both of you, it is your partner who is physically carrying the pregnancy and will physically have to deal with any complications. You say quite off handedly "if anything were to happen it's not like we wouldn't tell family", but she might genuinely not want that. Or might only be comfortable talking about it a while afterwards once she has had time to process what happened. Some people - hell, a lot of people, need that privacy if something goes wrong, without having to deal with other people's pity, or questions, or whatever else.

I don't know about in your specific circumstances, but in the vast majority of cases, it's also only the woman who has to make notable lifestyle changes (no drinking, coffee, etc etc). Your life will change hugely later on, whilst hers has already changed.

No one would suggest that men can't feel excitement, or fear, or joy, or pain, or grief over a pregnancy, but to say that they can feel it to the same degree as the person actually physically going through the pregnancy is just fallacy.

If something did happen (god forbid), of course you would both be absolutely heartbroken. But you won't be the one with the awful cramps, you won't be the one getting poked and prodded and stabbed by doctors to check what's happened, or the one having to physically deal with the trauma of seeing the miscarriage unfurl.

If she has a preference to keep things private until after 12 weeks - it's still her body and you should respect that!

We didn't tell anyone whatsoever until after 12 weeks. But we also knew we wouldn't tell our parents if smth went wrong as we know it would've broken their hearts - they were all very much anticipating a grandchild and were sometimes even pushy for us to hurry. We never wanted support and pity from other ppl if smth went wrong as we both realise miscarriages are common. Besides, my first pregnancy was an ectopic and we were glad we hadn't told anyone. But that's us, ppl feel very differently about this.

Sue I get that it's a personal choice and would never say anyone 'should' if they don't want to.
I do think there's a huge amount of pressure to keep it quiet though and I don't see the necessity in keeping it quiet if you want to tell someone.

Miscarriages are shattering whenever they happen. Some people obviously cope better keeping it themselves. We had so many questions asking when we were going to start a family that it would have broken me to continue to have those questions after a loss.

Rosey, absolutely agree and my post really didn't mean to conter yours. Everyone copes differently and to each their own. I was rather anxious telling our parents as I was dreading all the unwanted advise etc. And again, when I lost my first baby to ectopic, I am glad I didn't have to go tell ppl the bad news and was glad we could process everything in peace and quiet between us. But that's just how we cope.
Don't mean to tell anyone this is the better way to handle things, just contributing my own experience to the thread. X

I think it completely depends on you as an individual! I am 6 weeks, and we have told our family and closest friends. Had to tell my manager due to work commitments. The way I looked at it was if anything were to go wrong then we would have support.

Sorry sue, wrote that quickly while at Drs with dd. hope it didn't come across short.
sorry for your loss. Xx

I have found a lot of people don't really understand how common miscarriages are. This is why most women keep quiet for the first month or two. My husband and I told only a handful of close friends when I first got pregnant and when I miscarried it was sooooooo much easier to move on when I didn't have to deal with all the sadness from others reacting to it.

Second time around we waited until we got to hear the heartbeat before we started to tell people.

Do you not think that people don't understand how common they are because it's almost a taboo subject though?

Roseybee10 - My observation comes mainly from personal experience. The taboo doesn't help. People don't talk about it. I never even knew about the miscarriages in my own immediate family until 6 months after I had one myself. Most of the people who I've talked to since are really surprised when I mention the statistics.

Very true