First Time Dad

[DC905210]

Hi everyone, sorry to invade Mumsnet, I can not find anything of much use on the Dad's side of things.

My wife is 4-5 weeks pregnant, and she does not want me to tell anyone until the first midwife appointment I understand the reasons for that (lots of people to tell if something goes wrong etc) but there are two elements of it I am uncomfortable with / frustrated at.

Firstly I work for a very small company where you can just tell if something is on someone's mind there is a calendar month today before the appointment. Is it normal to sit in an office with two other people (who incidentally I 100% trust to keep it to themselves) for a month pretending nothing is happening?

Paired with this the company is very flexible and such as the first midwifes appointment they would almost certainly let me work for home and fit around it but instead I will have to take a day off (which I assume for a new Dad could come in handy later on) to pretend I am doing something else. For what?

Secondly, she does not want to tell any family.

Between us we don't have Dad, they have both passed away and we do not speak to her Mum. My Brother has a two y/o little girl and a little boy due in November and I have a lot of stuff to ask him, my Mum as well will be our overriding principle support in everything we need help with, it is reasonable that I should accept not telling them for another month? They too are 100% guaranteed to not tell a sole.

It is not like (god forbid) if something did go wrong we would not bother telling them, the point is just lost on me.

Please don't take this as a moan of like "poor men" or anything but we don't have the support that woman have. I have read frightening sounding things about labour for example and I am anxious about it. I don't want to start adding to the pile of worries that my wife has about it but I am just expected to live with it for a month.

my wife is of the opinion that telling people before twelve weeks is bad luck.

Try to think of this as being about how she feels, not her opinion. She can't help how she feels, and also waiting till 12 weeks is incredibly widespread and normal. It's not some bizarre outlandish "opinion", it's what people often do.

But your argument presupposes that once they find out your wife is expecting that they will ensure you don't have to travel. That may not be possible given the work that may come in. Regardless of the pregnancy if a case comes in that requires you to travel and you're the only available resource then you'll have to do it. So I would stop stressing so much.

I can understand regarding work I told my boss at 5 weeks because we had a new project coming in that I was to manage, but due to mat leave would have been leaving half way through. This wasn't right to e so I told my boss, I consult on the project due to my past experience but someone else is the PM. My DH agreed with me though, conversely he still hasn't told work. He works away sometimes for days/weeks.

The only thing I would say is how long do you want to work near home for? Is it just the pregnancy so 8 months or is it for good? Is that realistic, do the company have enough local work for 3 out of their 4 employees?

I am not unable to put myself in the other persons shoes though Greenglades, I am not going to tell my employer to respect my wife's wishes, I can't be much more more empathetic than doing exactly what that person wants. Lol

I think you are simply massively over-thinking this.
I know very well that the following is much easier said than done when exciting and worrying things are happening in life, but relax. Chill. Meditate. Practice Mindfulness. Whatever helps you.

IME the first half of a pregnancy is either a. rather boring and uneventful or b. horrible due to sickness (don't let the word 'morning' sickness put you off btw - the is All Day Sickness) or c. as far as you get (well, most MCs happen much earlier than half-time).

Seriously, you need to pace yourself.

LittlBear, that is true but they will not take it into account at all because they think I am still in "like going down London to see my mates mode".

They also take jobs on and reject others based on where they think people like going.

It is very likely they would take different jobs on that specifically suit me, they are going like that. We are a really goo d bunch of people which is why I am not comfortable bullshitting them about my personal life.

Pacific

The issue is work is being allocated now that will dictate near and beyond due date.

No affects the outcome then.

You aren't bull shitting them, you are just keeping a private matter private for 6-8 weeks.

Honestly, you could get run over by a bus in 6 months (for instance!), your work will cope with not knowing for a few more weeks!

It would be bullshitting them saying I need time off for something different to what I am actually using it for, which was one idea.

I have totally made my decision no though, like I said.

I am going to do it exactly as my wife wants and without question.

Why on earth would you be 'bullshitting' you work colleagues....

The point about being assigned work now that would be in place when the baby is a newborn and you want paternity leave is a valid point, I can see that. Could you talk to the MD and have a cryptic conversation along the lines of, could you hold off on assigning me anything that is likely to run past next Feb? I will be able to let you know more in 8 weeks but can't say anything yet.
Or have a chat with him about how you would handle these assignments if you were to start a family.
Everything else can be dealt with later. You can spend as much or as little as you like on baby stuff but it isn't going to need the extra 4k you pay your mum in the mean time.

I don't believe that your employers purely take on work that suits the travel and personal lives of their employees. You clearly think a great deal of them but do calm down. Employees keep personal matters private all the time. This is no different

There's nothing wrong with saying you've got a docs appt. you have!

That's not lying.

Will they ask what the appt is for? Of course not! It's private and could potentially be embarrassing!!

I would stop over thinking all this or it will drive you to distraction. Quietly enjoy your secret together. Tell family when you are both ready and then eventually friends and colleagues.

Good luck

Gosh I wish my DH could tell the Army that he only wants to stay close to home when the baby's born....

Life happens - with our first baby who I had on a Friday, my husband was back at work on the Monday. Your wife will cope, as will you and your employer.

My DH has been to the 12 week scan in our current pregnancy, was there when I needed an amnio at 16 weeks and I nearly had to have an a ECV last Monday (38 weeks). Other than that he's not been to any appt and tbh it's easier on my own as they are actually very boring!

Use your excitement to look into baby kit - prams, car seats and the like...

There are some women who don't even tell their own partners they are pregnant until after 12 weeks. This thread is a good example of why. It seems to be causing you a lot of angst OP.

Imagine if you didn't know, you wouldn't be worrying about work and whether or not there may or may not be an allocation of new work within the next five weeks!

As a pp said, you really need to relax about this. You're not going to tell anyone, you've said that several times already, so just go with your decision and before you know, those five weeks will have flown by.

Also when you tell people they expect to see a scan picture etc bit tricky if you don't have one...

"I don't believe that your employers purely take on work that suits the travel and personal lives of their employees. You clearly think a great deal of them but do calm down. Employees keep personal matters private all the time. This is no different"

I have all but exhausted ways of saying consider, take into account and factor in.

If it helps I am not even contractually an employee, I am an executive who reports to a board of directors, I have no job description etc etc.

I directly earn them money because I am charged out for a fee, and pay me less than I get paid, we get lots of enquiries so it is totally in everyones interest to give me work that is suited to me or I could get annoyed and walk. I do two days per week at the minute on a I found myself.

It is not overthoght at all as it affects so many things in our life.

Ok, I do get the professional nature of your job, not a standard employee/employer relationship - I get that; I am kind of a 'company director' too and planning Mat Leave was a huge issues.
But I/the business had 6 months to plan that once I told them when I was around 3 months gone.

I think if there is a danger you could be expected to be abroad round about the time of the baby's expected arrival, then by all means speak up and state that, say, from next January you need to be remaining in the UK, for medical reasons. That should be enough.

"Also when you tell people they expect to see a scan picture etc bit tricky if you don't have one..."

On what planet do people "expect" to see a scan picture beyond the point of you saying "we have not had a scan yet".

My wife was on about her concerns that some of the women at her work were bitchy to a woman who got pregnant at her work and they did this, that and the other, no wonder people get worried in that context.

I wont need to be abroad Pacific, just UK based. :-)

Well, then, 'close to home' - I'm sure you could find a suitably vague phrase.

Once the pregnancy is public knowledge you will both (but your DW more so) be public property: everybody, their brother AND their dog will have an opinion. And pretty much everything you do or don't do. And they will have a story that 'probes' their point. I leant the phrase "The plural of anecdote does not data make" and deployed it on more than one occasion. And her bump will get commented on, either as 'tiny' or 'huuuuuuuge', sometimes both on the same day…

Enjoy the privacy of only the two of you knowing just now.

I am just going to wait the 12 weeks like I said earlier Pacific.

It don't keep the sort of company that gossips and spreads things when asked not t, it is all very Jeremy Kyle that.

The man and lady directors I work closely with just wouldn't full stop. I am not not telling them, or my brother or my Mum because I don't trust them, I absolutely trust all of them, I am not telling them because my wife wants to wait 12 weeks and the majority of people on here say it is the best option do what she wants.

OP it has been established that you do not have an overriding need to tell your mum, your db yet nor anyone other than your employer.

However, you have been able to explain clearly to us, because of lt scheduling issues, why it might be wise to tell your company sooner.

If we can understand this, then presably your dw can to.
So I suggest you put it to her. Explain you are happy to wait but it might mean you being given work you cannot later get out of.

Then let her decide.

Because if you do not make this clear to her she may be pissed off when it gets to 40 weeks and you are away over night. And your client might be peeved when nearly a year in you suddenly take 2 weeks paternity leave.

If she says no, you wait. But make sure she has the full facts.

Everything else is a bridge you cross when you come to it.

You're married yes? So presumably this pregnancy was not entirely unplanned? How much effing support do you feel you need at this stage that you want to bring family AND work into it before the first scan??
It's a pregnancy not a terminal illness!
You need to Woman Up my friend.