First Time Dad

[DC905210]

Hi everyone, sorry to invade Mumsnet, I can not find anything of much use on the Dad's side of things.

My wife is 4-5 weeks pregnant, and she does not want me to tell anyone until the first midwife appointment I understand the reasons for that (lots of people to tell if something goes wrong etc) but there are two elements of it I am uncomfortable with / frustrated at.

Firstly I work for a very small company where you can just tell if something is on someone's mind there is a calendar month today before the appointment. Is it normal to sit in an office with two other people (who incidentally I 100% trust to keep it to themselves) for a month pretending nothing is happening?

Paired with this the company is very flexible and such as the first midwifes appointment they would almost certainly let me work for home and fit around it but instead I will have to take a day off (which I assume for a new Dad could come in handy later on) to pretend I am doing something else. For what?

Secondly, she does not want to tell any family.

Between us we don't have Dad, they have both passed away and we do not speak to her Mum. My Brother has a two y/o little girl and a little boy due in November and I have a lot of stuff to ask him, my Mum as well will be our overriding principle support in everything we need help with, it is reasonable that I should accept not telling them for another month? They too are 100% guaranteed to not tell a sole.

It is not like (god forbid) if something did go wrong we would not bother telling them, the point is just lost on me.

Please don't take this as a moan of like "poor men" or anything but we don't have the support that woman have. I have read frightening sounding things about labour for example and I am anxious about it. I don't want to start adding to the pile of worries that my wife has about it but I am just expected to live with it for a month.

What "people"? As far as I can see ONE person has used that word. But hey fasten on that why don't you, it's a great tactic to take the focus off and justify your own rather bad behaviour on this thread.

I have said the reason my wife has said don't tell my managers / colleagues is because she thinks it is bad luck. What is that other that superstition?

I know some don't because it is a higher risk period but that is not my wife's reason.

She is wanting it like that because she is superstitious.

OP - calm down. Think about why you posted here in the first place. For advice. From women who have been/are pregnant.

You have had that advice. what we have told you is correct. you might not like the answer, it might not suit your plans. but you asked and you received. getting the arse with people only prevents you sorting out this situation and getting the information you wanted.

now, remember also that many (most?) of the women posting here are professionals who have worked in similar environments to the one you work in, we have given you advice based on our direct life experience. its up to you whether to take it or not. but really, insulting people is not going to help and its going to stop other posters wanting to advise you.

you say now that your wife will be distraught if you leave her for work. if you had mentioned that earlier, our advice might have been different. but you didn't, you drip-fed and it makes it much harder for other posters. if she has specifically said to you that she will be distraught and cant bear the thought of you being away, then you have to sit down and rationally discuss with her that the way to prevent this is for you to tell work. if, at the end of that, she still doesn't want you to say anything, then that's that. you wait for 12 weeks, end of discussion.

if you are just assuming that she will be distraught because she is pregnant and you think that she won't cope, then you need to wise up. as other posters have said, life goes on. unless there is an existing medical issue/disability/mh issue/something else, that affects your wife's ability to cope, then she will be fine. I get that you're worried about her, but everyone who has posted on here has been pregnant at some point. none of us have broken into a million pieces or needed wrapping in cotton wool. we all (and our husbands/partners) just got on with it.

There have been about five people I was enjoying talking two. Two knew my line of works and a few other decent people. I don't get why the others who have nothing nice to say don't just go and do something else and give me a chance to chat with people.

When I was at the epu, my DH just said 'gotta go, OhEm is at the hospital', no questions asked.

As a lawyer OP, I thought you'd do better then to start calling people bitches and stropping off.

Forget about your wife for a second.

You can easily address the work issue, as mentioned numerous times, by just asking for time off for medical appointment and not giving further detail.

What you are saying is that you don't agree with your wife on the reason for not saying the full detail, therefore you shouldn't have to be vague. So instead of taking advice being given, you are being petulant because you're annoyed with your wife. Frankly that's not anyone's problem but your own - but in terms of work the issue is resolved quite simply.

She is superstitious because she knows it's quite likely that something will go wrong. So her superstition is grounded in medical fact. If she said she didn't want you to tell anyone due to the risk of mc you'd accept it? I doubt it.

HappyIdiot.

Thanks for your post. The nature of the situation does roll on though you see I talked to her last night in bed about how she would feel and she said distraught.

I didn't have that information in the day yesterday. Then it appeared to me that some people thought they would just have a pop at her instead.

Newbain,

I am sorry but you and others are repeatedly misunderstanding the problem.

I am not having a go but you are.

It is not "an appointment" it is how I get geographically allocated future work.

So chat then?

You said you'd read things about labour you were worried about. There's a heap of women here who could pass on their experience if you wanted to ask actual questions.

And what Happy said ^ too.

*I know some don't because it is a higher risk period but that is not my wife's reason.

She is wanting it like that because she is superstitious.*

no, that's exactly her reason. she's just finding it hard to express her worry that the pregnancy will go wrong.

so rather than saying, "I don't want to tell people that I am pregnant because I then dont' want to have to tell people that I have lost my baby" she is saying "its bad luck".

I am a rational person, I understand that nothing I did or could do would have affected the outcome of my pregnancy, that most miscarriages are down to chromosomal issues. but that didn't stop me being terrified to tell people in case I "jinxed" it. you can call it superstition or whatever else you want, but its how your wife feels and that should be good enough.

DC you didn't read my previous comments.

Tell them you have an ongoing medical issue that will require A) frequent appointments and B) to stay near home for the next 9-12 months.

I was able to do the same with no trouble when I was ill and without my boss ever asking me to give him the full detail of my condition. Being pregnant now I can assure you I've been much more capable of working pregnant than I was when I was sick previously.

Please think about just considering what I am suggesting rather than assuming I don't understand. I'm not a lawyer but a professional with requirements to travel and to be staffed on contracts that's not dissimilar.

Littlebear,

I make no applogy for saying this again but if I tell the person at work who allocates work load who has never spoken to my wife and probably wont until this year's Christmas party how is the act of them going to cause a miscarriage.

My wife will not have to ever explain anything to them. The office is 80 miles away from where we live.

All it would mean is she would know someone knows.

I get that you're worried about her, but everyone who has posted on here has been pregnant at some point. none of us have broken into a million pieces or needed wrapping in cotton wool. we all (and our husbands/partners) just got on with it

^^ This.

Newbain,

Tell them that you think and then after 12 weeks tell them the real reason you mean?

OhEmGee,

She has said she wants me around and not working away.

I don't know what you telling me how you have struggled through helps me help her?

Am I meant to say "don't worry about it, other people get left alone and they cope"

I don't think OP is a troll. I think he's genuine but like many men, insecure and tending towards misogyny when the surface is scratched. When people – worse, women – tell him what he doesn't want to hear, he gets aggressive and hurls sexist insults. It's clear from his OP and the problem he has asked about, that he likes to be in control and is uncomfortable that what he's sure is right should be expected to give way to his wife's "superstitious" feelings.

I think many apparently perfectly nice men have this side to them. They are used to calling the shots, and it probably all goes swimmingly for them until they get challenged. MN, full of women with cogent arguments and finely honed bullshit detectors, is a rude awakening. I've seen loads of threads like this - man presenting as nice and reasonable to start with bristles and turns nasty when we don't all suck up to him and agree with him about how ridiculous his wife is being. He's not actually here for real advice or to have his mind changed, he just wanted validation.

Pregnancy and DC also hit these men hard because suddenly they aren't in charge of everything and they don't get to make the rules. A few years down the line, a man like that has either had to grow up and become a lot less egotistical, or he's off having affairs because he isn't getting enough attention and devotion from his wife.

Of course I could be totally wrong about OP, so he's free to put me right. There are a lot of men like that, though, so nothing about this rings untrue to me.

Yes - tell them you could not reveal the specific issue because of the risk of miscarriage until 12 weeks, as standard.

If to you this is "lying" then I guess there is nothing you can do about it, but to me I do not believe you have to tell people about your family's personal medical situation when it's in early stages.

I doubt for example if a loved one had a suspicious tumor that needed to be checked, you'd say so upfront, but if it did turn out to be cancer down the line you'd reveal it then.

So far you have a positive pregnancy test - no scan, no confirmation from a midwife or doctor. It's VERY early stage pregnancy.

the thing is though, she is freaked out too, this pregnancy is new for both of you, she's still getting her head round it. she's scared that she won't cope, so she's telling you the worst case scenario.

you know that you feel a bit overwhelmed yourself, times that by about a million, chuck in some hormones, and relinquish control over your body, and then you are somewhere near how she feels.

chances are, she'll cope fine and she'll be ok if you have to travel. just let it all sink in a bit.

Where have I said I struggled through?

Greenglades,

There is a lot right in what you say there I have to admit that. There is a lot of frustration and all sorts.

I am sorry about the sexist insults etc I do regret them. I am not actually anything like that. So sorry for anyone I have offended there.

There are one or two people I do think are genuinely unpleasant but that is far from the majority.

I will do that then Newbain. They will ask me what is wrong though so wont know what to say about thar but will cross that when I get to it.

I will do that for the greater good.

I would lying though if I said I am happy doing it that way. I am actually quite resentful of it. (I will probably be attacked for expressing any negative response but that is how I feel).

You didn't read what I said, as you haven't read what most people are saying.

No miscarriages aren't caused by people knowing but they are relatively common at this early a stage. Your wife doesn't want anyone to know. If she thinks that this will stop the pregnancy being jinxed then that's how it is.

I wonder how much you have gone on about the risk of working away to make your wife say she's distraught. She knows your job, she's used to you going away. It seems odd that the possibility of this happening whilst she's pregnant makes her distraught. A very loaded word when travelling for your job cannot in any way be a surprise.

Ease up - your employer will cope. Mine did and I didn't tell until I was close to 20 weeks and I then disappeared for a year's maternity leave.

I will do that then Newbain. They will ask me what is wrong though so wont know what to say about thar but will cross that when I get to it.

At which point you say it is personal.

Job done.