First Time Dad

[DC905210]

Hi everyone, sorry to invade Mumsnet, I can not find anything of much use on the Dad's side of things.

My wife is 4-5 weeks pregnant, and she does not want me to tell anyone until the first midwife appointment I understand the reasons for that (lots of people to tell if something goes wrong etc) but there are two elements of it I am uncomfortable with / frustrated at.

Firstly I work for a very small company where you can just tell if something is on someone's mind there is a calendar month today before the appointment. Is it normal to sit in an office with two other people (who incidentally I 100% trust to keep it to themselves) for a month pretending nothing is happening?

Paired with this the company is very flexible and such as the first midwifes appointment they would almost certainly let me work for home and fit around it but instead I will have to take a day off (which I assume for a new Dad could come in handy later on) to pretend I am doing something else. For what?

Secondly, she does not want to tell any family.

Between us we don't have Dad, they have both passed away and we do not speak to her Mum. My Brother has a two y/o little girl and a little boy due in November and I have a lot of stuff to ask him, my Mum as well will be our overriding principle support in everything we need help with, it is reasonable that I should accept not telling them for another month? They too are 100% guaranteed to not tell a sole.

It is not like (god forbid) if something did go wrong we would not bother telling them, the point is just lost on me.

Please don't take this as a moan of like "poor men" or anything but we don't have the support that woman have. I have read frightening sounding things about labour for example and I am anxious about it. I don't want to start adding to the pile of worries that my wife has about it but I am just expected to live with it for a month.

"Maybe your wife has latched onto superstition as an excuse to say no to you as you seem to be the type to batter her with boring logic until her ears bleed. Just reading your 'see above attitude on here maskes me feel stabby." - charming.

Ok so either move the appointment to a Monday/Tuesday - happens all the time.

Or say your wife has a hospital appointment and wants you to go. Any digging from your employer - say it's personal. However most employers understand social convention and that it isn't appropriate to ask for further details.

I can do that. No problem.

I will generally not be in in the evenings though from now on Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday, that is all.

Honestly op, if you want your wife to still vaguely like you by the end of this pregnancy, I'd drop the desperate need to debate all her wishes to the nth degree. You might like the feeling of winning a point with hardcore logic but she won't!

I have debated one single decision and concluded on her favour.

Why don't you see if you can move the booking in apt? It's just a terribly long questionnaire about both your medical history incl vaccinations , family medical history, whether your wife is at risk of domestic abuse [that one stood out]. They'll book in the second apt and they might do a urine test and take bloods to be sent off. They'll also ask your wife about how she is feeling in case she needs emotional support, and it's an opportunity to ask questions for you both but unless your wife has an underlying health condition it's nothing that can't be found online/in a book.

To your point - I would simply ask if it's possible to state a preference on work location for certain dates. You only have the right to take time off for the two scans [unpaid] but as you say your employer is flexible but for most people work comes first so a preference is likely to be as good as it gets.

Honestly the next few weeks will drag past with or without colleagues being aware. It's also worth considering that telling people will make it very real to your wife. Early pregnancy can be pretty terrifying. You've spent all that time trying to get pregnant and it happens and you are suddenly sitting there panicking if you've made the right decision and whether that glass of wine 5 weeks ago could have caused neural defects. Your wife is quite possibly bricking it right now and is just not ready to tell the world until she is quite sure that there is a viable baby and "it is really happening"

I love it when my dh concludes in my favour.
I bet your wedding vows were thrilling "I agree to conclude favourably to this female"

Tread,

I have contacted my wife to say if she wants the me to go we will have to move it to a Monday or Tuesday realistically. I can not see that being a major problem. :-)

The more general bits relate to what job I am allocated on. If I tell them they will shuffle work load about. If I don't tell them they can not shuffle though which is what has happened here and once you start a job you need to see it though.

It has ended up not too bad really. At least it is only three nights a week and not too close to the due date. My wife didn't want me working away at all but at the end of the day that was thr risk in not saying anything.

Twerking,

I am sorry I don't understand the point you are trying to make.

Why would you think our wedding vows were like that?

Are you deliberately replying to the thread to be spiteful and unpleasant? If so why?

It would be unusual (and not recommended) for the father to attend the booking in appointment. The midwives will be concerned that a woman is unable to attend routine appointments on her own in case she has anxiety or is in a controlling relationship.

Just tell the MD your wife has some health issues, tell them it's confidential and can they avoid scheduling you for long distance working.

Sometimes people say "I don't want to jinx it" when they mean "I'm anxious it might not work out but am not sure my anxiety is rational and my hormones are everywhere and aaarrrrgghhhh" not that they actually believe in jinxes deep down.

Get a copy of Christine Hill's "Pregnancy - week by week" and chill out

DC no, twerking was making a joke, not really a spiteful one but the kind of joke that is often made in a friendly way on here, about your rather legal-sounding description of "concluding in her favour". She doesn't mean she really thinks your wedding was like that, she's jokingly asking if all your interactions are so formalised.

I think that's just the way you talk to. an extent and you're a very precise thinker. That's who you are but we're trying to say it would help you if you could let go a bit and realise not every decision can be that formalised and detailed and reasoned. You are having a baby, winging it will happen, and you are going to have to be OK with your wife winging it too.

My DP was at my first booking-in appt and it wasn't a problem I don't think.

Except the MW kept referring to "Dad" and DP (who was not yet at that point a dad) kept looking confused and saying "do you mean my dad or her dad?" :o

Carrot,

It is my wife wants me to go with her though. Should I tell her men don't normally go to them?

The long distance working is done now but not as bad as I feared. It doesn't creep in to 2016 it is just three evenings away starting next week.

You sound like a control freak. You can't accept that on this issue, your wife decides. No debates, no putting her case to you to 'conclude' on...just her decision. Now you seem to be reveling in the fact she has fucked it up with her silly 'woman think' so you miss an appointment.
You know babies also might not subscribe to pure logic, some are quite contrary

I don't think it's a problem and I think you should both go if that's what she would like.

She has just called me and sort of taken the decision for me. She doesn't want to move it. I said I would not be able to go so she said "don't bother then" and hung up.

Revelling in the fact she has fucked what up? You are making no sense and just seem intent of being unpleasant Twerk. Why don't you just go and talk to someone else? You are showing yourself up. Everyone else is being really nice now.

Give her time to cool off and chat tonight maybe? Her hormones are going a bit nuts!

OP, in the nicest possible way, do you think it's perhaps time to leave this thread and walk away? There's been some good advice which you seem to have taken on board but it seems to have dissolved into a fairly personal dissection of your relationship with your wife and your character, which you're encouraging by going over every single point made, and I can't see that this is helpful for you any more.

I'm a first timer as well and know my DH has lots of questions, and sincerely hope he'll get answers (that goes for both of us!). But I can't help but think that a board aimed at and frequented by pregnant women isn't the best place for this as you're getting a very one-sided view.

Work issues aside, which have already been discussed at length and which you've made your decision on,
you'll be able to confide in your brother and any other friends, family and peers in a few short weeks. There must also be other forums out there for expectant dads where you can confidentially share these concerns. It's just paining me to see this going on for so long in such a (predominantly) negative fashion!

Lily I will happily stop posting now. I do have all the answers and I am grateful to everyone who has helped.

I am not willing though to leave the conversation to be ridiculed by certain people afterwards.

So this is my last post unless I get another one back that requires an answer or makes me think I want to reply.

So your intention is to spend your day trolling me to prove... what?

Is this you 'winning' is it? Bothing someone who wanted and want given good advise? You have 'won' trapping yourself on a mindless trolling mission.