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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

First Time Dad

415 replies

DC905210 · 14/06/2015 08:06

Hi everyone, sorry to invade Mumsnet, I can not find anything of much use on the Dad's side of things.

My wife is 4-5 weeks pregnant, and she does not want me to tell anyone until the first midwife appointment I understand the reasons for that (lots of people to tell if something goes wrong etc) but there are two elements of it I am uncomfortable with / frustrated at.

Firstly I work for a very small company where you can just tell if something is on someone's mind there is a calendar month today before the appointment. Is it normal to sit in an office with two other people (who incidentally I 100% trust to keep it to themselves) for a month pretending nothing is happening?

Paired with this the company is very flexible and such as the first midwifes appointment they would almost certainly let me work for home and fit around it but instead I will have to take a day off (which I assume for a new Dad could come in handy later on) to pretend I am doing something else. For what?

Secondly, she does not want to tell any family.

Between us we don't have Dad, they have both passed away and we do not speak to her Mum. My Brother has a two y/o little girl and a little boy due in November and I have a lot of stuff to ask him, my Mum as well will be our overriding principle support in everything we need help with, it is reasonable that I should accept not telling them for another month? They too are 100% guaranteed to not tell a sole.

It is not like (god forbid) if something did go wrong we would not bother telling them, the point is just lost on me.

Please don't take this as a moan of like "poor men" or anything but we don't have the support that woman have. I have read frightening sounding things about labour for example and I am anxious about it. I don't want to start adding to the pile of worries that my wife has about it but I am just expected to live with it for a month.

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Original poster

DC905210 · 15/06/2015 12:09

Lol, Jackiebrambles,

I am not saying you are wrong at all but to me this is hell:

"I loved it when it was mine and my Dh's little secret too, it made it really special - sort of like you have your own little world that nobody else knows about."

Not just in respect of babies etc. In general. The idea of being in bubbles etc I loathe.

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LittleBearPad · 15/06/2015 12:13

I'm afraid you're going to have to get used to it.

I presume you know things about your wife that other people don't? In a marriage that's normal.

Similarly you will know things at work that other people don't. For client confidentiality purposes, for hr purposes. This is just the same.

Original poster

DC905210 · 15/06/2015 12:14

MrsTittleMouse,

I resent the compromising of the way I normally conduct myself.

It is a strong word. Don't take it as me boiling over or anything either. It is not overwhelming resent but it is resent none the less same as I resent say... having to eat my lunch away from my desk because we have a dont eat at your desk rule.

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LittleBearPad · 15/06/2015 12:17

I resent the compromising of the way I normally conduct myself.

Get over yourself.

HappyIdiot · 15/06/2015 12:21

I resent the compromising of the way I normally conduct myself.

you're going to get a very rude awakening in about 8 and a half months time then!!!

Original poster

DC905210 · 15/06/2015 12:23

Lol, true Happyidiot :-)

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MrsTittleMouse · 15/06/2015 12:24

OK, I understand your meaning of the word "resent". But what you're saying is "I want to share information about my wife's body with my work collegues even though she would rather that I didn't, and I'll feel negatively about it if I don't get my own way". I don't really understand that either.

Perhaps to put a more positive spin on things, this is a golden opportunity for you to show your wife that you can be completely trusted to keep information about her body secret, even when you would rather share it. That will stand you in great stead during labour, when she will need to rely on you to stand up for her needs when she might well not be in a position to communicate them herself.

Jackiebrambles · 15/06/2015 12:26

As I said, each to their own! You clearly like everything to be out in the open all the time, your preference.

Not sure your news is going to be a surprise to anyone though as surely all your colleagues, friends and family must know you were trying to conceive?

Original poster

DC905210 · 15/06/2015 12:27

Littlebear, I thought I sufficiently qualified what I was saying to try to make it not look nasty or anything.

All people, including you resent at some level limitations on you doing what you want just on different levels.

And some resent is totally over rided by other emotions.

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Blackandwhitecat3 · 15/06/2015 12:28

And after labour when she may well have stitches etc. and won't want anyone to know about that

Blackandwhitecat3 · 15/06/2015 12:31

but DC this is an excellent time to practise not having control over getting what you want, before it hits you between the eyes!

LittleBearPad · 15/06/2015 12:33

It didn't look particularly nasty. But it did look pompous as hell.

And I'm sorry but it's resentment, not resent

Original poster

DC905210 · 15/06/2015 12:35

I haven't got any idea why I would want to talk about stitches?

It is good practice though like you say.

I am very capable of not having things my own way though. Again I only even said that to offer some perspective to those who are interested.

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Original poster

DC905210 · 15/06/2015 12:36

Sorry for the typo too.

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MrsTittleMouse · 15/06/2015 12:40

OK, but you haven't told us that you resent having to keep it secret, but completely understand why your wife needs it to be kept quiet for now. You've told us that you'll do what she wants, but you resent it. Can you see the difference?

What would happen if you and your wife research different birth options, and she wants an epidural, but you are concerned about the risks of it slowing down the labour? You will have to argue your wife's case to the HCPs for the epidural, because that will be your job. Or the other way round perhaps, if your wife wants less intervention than you. And you will have to fight for it, even though it goes against what you believe, because it is your wife who is pregnant and your wife who will be giving birth. Would you resent her for putting you in that position?

Perhaps more likely in your case; what if the labour is long and difficult, and you want the support of your mother, but you wife doesn't want anyone to know that she is giving birth? You're going to have to put your own desires to one side many times in this process, this is just the first (and probably easiest) time.

Blackandwhitecat3 · 15/06/2015 12:42

Me neither DC and glad you don't. But it's all personal medical information, being pregnant too, that's our point.

Believe it or not my MIL told the world about SIL's stitches "down there". I was horrified and DH has very strict restrictions on what he can and can't tell her, and I can't tell you just how reassuring it is for me that he's supportive with that, even though it's his DM.

MrsTittleMouse · 15/06/2015 12:42

Because you need to take time off work to support your wife when she goes to a postnatal appointment where they decide what they're going to do with her war-torn undercarriage? What would you say to your work collegues then?

Original poster

DC905210 · 15/06/2015 12:49

If I need time to go to postnatal appointments I will say "we have a post natal appointment".

I have sort of gone past the original point about workload but if I am allocated workload away from home because I have not told them I want work near home then there is a big chance I won't be able to attend post natal appointments.

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Original poster

DC905210 · 15/06/2015 12:52

As it happens I have just looked at my email and have new workload allocation.

Monday and Tuesday is where I live and Wednesday, Thursday and Friday is London until October the London bit. So I will miss the first Midwife appointment now.

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LittleBearPad · 15/06/2015 12:52

So before 12 weeks you say we have a medical appointment.

I'm intrigued by an employer that does all they can to facilitate you working near home or away as you request but wouldn't then let you work from home (for one day) to support your wife.

I assume you have all annual leave already booked for at least the next year to ensure your workload can be carved in stone?

LittleBearPad · 15/06/2015 12:54

So move the midwife appointment to a Monday or Tuesday...

I wouldn't bother going anyway - it's terribly dull but if your wife wants to there that's up to get.

LittleBearPad · 15/06/2015 12:54

Her not get

Blackandwhitecat3 · 15/06/2015 12:57

So if you did develop a medical condition in the next few months and had to have a hospital appointment which was allocated to you on a Thursday, you wouldn't be able to, as a one-off, work from home that day to attend the appointment? Really?

TwerkingSpinster · 15/06/2015 13:01

Maybe your wife has latched onto superstition as an excuse to say no to you as you seem to be the type to batter her with boring logic until her ears bleed. Just reading your 'see above attitude on here maskes me feel stabby.

Original poster

DC905210 · 15/06/2015 13:02

I will have to ask my wife if she still wants me to go. She said she wanted me to.

If I had a hospital appointment I would be able to go yes.

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