Can't bear this anymore, is termination at 15 16 weeks just going to make it all worse?

[Sleeplessinnorthlondon]

I'm going to delete my profile soon as so ashamed of all of what's happened but desperate for any advice anyone can offer. In summary, conceived when thought couldn't, just about to start ivf, and didn't know. Had two different due dates from different scans but looks like could have drunk heavily 16, 17 and 18 dpo. Stopped as soon as found out but can't shake the guilt despite doctors all telling me it would probably be fine. Would never have terminated for downs or any condition the child was going to have anyway, but cannot bear idea of having spoilt life chances of child that would have been healthy through stupidity. Tried counselling, midwife, friends, all been so kind but can't shake terror and guilt and suspect will never shift and will be terrible mother when born as so anxious and guilty. Just can't bear any of this any more, none of the help I've tried to access is working and Marie stopes have said they can organise an abortion this week. Will mean hurting friends, family and above all darling darling husband but he has said will support me if it's the only way forward. So so desolate and terrified, everyone around me saying this is mental health issue not physical and probably right but in no state to bring child into the world like this anyway. Has anyone been in the same boat? Did the termination help or make it worse? Please help me.

*rest

That's not true, sebsmummy1. OP has said upthread she will be seeking an urgent referral to the mental health midwife tomorrow, and will try contacting the helpline a few of us suggested. Please, she doesn't need catastrophising.

And also I want to say to you what I said to my friend when she was considering a termination because of her crippling anxiety, you might not ever get pregnant again. This might be your only chance so you have to give it your best shot.

Please get help. You will make it.

sleepless even after implantation embryo doesn't share your blood supply for a few weeks. Placenta takes time to develop before blood vessels link with yours. Often quoted as six weeks post lmp. Your worries are unfounded!
Your alcohol consumption has done your little one no harm at all, please believe me.
Speak to your gp and get a referral to psych services, your response to the non existant risk seems entirely out of proportion. I think you are aware that this is the case, help for your heightened anxiety is what you need. A termination decision taken before you address these mental health issues would make you feel worse in the long term.

Just to share yet another positive anecdotal experience...

I didn't know I was pregnant with DD2 until I was 13 weeks and believe me I was drinking, smoking and eating everything in sight during those 3 months. Raw oysters, unpasteurised cheese, undercooked eggs, sushi, steak tartare. Cocktails, beer, masses of wine. Smoking probably 20 a day. Probably a couple of times where I smoked things other than normal cigarettes.

DD2 is a strapping stunning clever girl turning 9 in a couple of days.

OP I had very severe PND with both my girls and a lot of your thoughts and feelings really resonate with me. I hope you get the help you need.

I was drunk the weekend before I found out I was pregnant. I was just 5 weeks when I found out. My lb is now 13 months. Happy and healthy. Be kind to yourself glad your seeking help!

Good luck

skipton I wish I could like all of your posts. You have been unfailingly kind and understanding.

Firstly as others have said baby is mostly definitely healthy.

My stepson (who I have brought up as my own since he was 6months old) is a perfectly happy, healthy, intelligent 8 year old after a less than perfect pregnancy. His biological mother (my husband/his dad did not know she was pregnant) drank a lot, took drugs and did not care for herself at all throughout the pregnancy with him. And as I say, he is more than fine.

I also know a teenage girl who only found out she was pregnant 2 weeks before she gave birth and her now 18month baby shows no sign of problems at all.

As for you mental health, it can be very scary making the descion to have a child and when it happens quickly I can imagin it can feel out of your control and not prepared.

We had always talked about it. I had done the parenting bit, but not the pregnancy bit. I realised I was terrified about even thinking about trying to conceive. Terrified about all sorts of things, how would I cope, would I be a good mum, would I love my baby, suffer PND, would my husband still love and fancy me, would I become isolated, the list went on.

No one could really soothe my fears, but eventually I found piece with them in the stillness of calm thought. They no longer worry me. The talking did help, even if not a lot at the time.

I really hope you find piece with yourself and your actions. You have not already been a bad mum, you care enough to consider all options. You are human, try not to chastise yourself for being one. You already love your baby to want the best for them. Hold on to that love.

Get the help you need xx

P.s I'm now 9 weeks tomorrow and so happy I didn't let my fears stop me.

Just a quick note sleepless to say I hope you are feeling better today and I hope you get a good start on the help you need today too. Please come back and let us know how you are and how you get on with your GP, midwife and Pandas.

OP, I really feel for you after reading this thread

I can't say anything to stop your worrying but I really hope that you do decide to go ahead with this pregnancy as it's obviously very much wanted.

Before I realised that I was pregnant, I had a pretty crazy party at my house which involved lots of beer, lots of cigarettes and recreational drugs (cocaine and magic mushrooms) I could only have been around a week pregnant but I do still worry that I did some harm (I'm 34 weeks now)

Since finding out, I have worried no end about all sorts of things but all I can do is cut out all the bad things and try to live as healthily as possible and provide my baby with all the nutrients and good stuff that he needs.

I think it's pretty common for women to drink etc without realising that they are pregnant and to go on to have perfectly healthy babies. Try to focus on that instead of negative things found on Google.

If there was one thing that I learnt in the first trimester, it was to not google any symptoms!

Op I also had terrible anxiety in the first trimester. A lot of it is do do with hormones. I feel so much better now I'm in my second trimester.
I think once you make it past your 20 week scan you will be feeling much better.

OP your situation has really touched me, I am so sorry that your anxiety has got to levels where it is threatening your future happiness. This might be your one chance to be a parent to a wonderful unique child, I hope you can get the help you need to regain a sense of perspective.

Thanks everyone for all your kindness. Waiting on call back from
Gp and mental health midwife and I've got my mum here now. Really hoping can get head together, thank you all for all your help.

I hope you have a better day

I read your post this morning and I wanted to take a little time to respond.

Firstly I don't think you should have a termination. I think worrying about things you did or didn't do is completely normal. I found out I was pregnant after taking heavy duty cold stuff at around the same time you're talking about having had your drinks and worried that I had damaged my baby in some way. I was told by my very conservative and strict doctor that I didn't need to worry because so early in the pregnancy that it won't affect my baby.

I'm now 25 weeks pregnant and my baby is perfect (according to the same strict and conservative doctor) I have high blood pressure, a dodgy Thyroid and gestational diabetes. My body has not been the perfect place for a baby to grow in but she's doing fine.

I am explaining this so you'll understand that there is no one who has the perfect pregnancy. There is no one who goes through a pregnancy without having a couple of bad days or making an honest mistake. And that's all you did.

I think you should go and speak to your doctor or midwife and explain your level of stress and worry. They may recommend you take medication or get counselling - Do it. Your baby needs you to be well and you won't be well when you're this anxious.

I also think it might be worth asking for a referral or paying to see a neonataligist who will probably be able to do an ultrasound and that will be check for certain things in the pregnancy. I had to see one because of the conditions I mentioned before and he was really reassuring and was able to show me 10 fingers and 10 toes. And that the baby's brain was developing normally as were all the organs. I had this done at 13 weeks so you'll certainly see more and be more reassured at 15/16 weeks.

I would also suggest you talk to friends of yours who have had babies and I am willing to bet most of them will have a story to tell that's similar to yours. I know for example that my baby is due in September and lots of the mums who are due about the same time as me realised they were pregnant just after christmas or early in the new year and just like you they had a few drinks or ate the wrong food over the time before they knew they were pregnant and they're babies are doing well. As you can see from all the stories people are sharing here you are certainly not alone.

Finally my baby was quite a surprise as well because we thought we needed fertility treatment and were all set to start it. I think that when a baby is that precious to you it can make pregnancy even more terrifying. It certainly did for me and made me worry about every little thing a lot more than others I knew at the same point in the pregnancy.

Please Please don't make a decision about a termination until you've spoken to someone about your worries.

Hi Sleepless. You are doing the right thing surrounding yourself with the people you love and getting as much fresh air and perspective as possible. I promise you are going to look back on this when your beautiful baby is in your arms and wonder what on earth you were worrying about. I had these same worries, same timings and it is just not going to happen, I promise. Also we all carry guilt for all sorts of things we pass onto our children or birth defects that sometimes happen - short sightedness, colour blindness, weird blood problems, tongue tie, cleft lip, missing digits, etc etc. some things just happen, some things are genetic. You can't control all of them. Some parents have children and then trap their fingers in a door and nearly take the end off me sometimes kids fall over and hurt themselves while on your watch and much much worse. You can't control everything, you just have to trust and pray it all works out ok and honestly this is only the first guilt you will feel in motherhood. Hope you can access some help soon for your anxiety problem

Well done Sleepless, that's a great start - you're a brave lady and you can do this Take care of yourself today, remember you can never have too much

Luck for today OP. I hope you get the support you need. In the hope that you dont go ahead, print this thread out and use it for reassurance in the months ahead.

Best of luck for today, Sleepless. We'll be thinking of you.

Good luck sleepless.

Good luck sleepless

I too can share positive stories. My first was conceived during freshers week I thought the symptoms were 'freshers flu' and dosed myself up on painkillers, decongestants and more booze. For weeks.

He is not only fine, but had a SALT assessment recently and was told he was 'outstandingly advanced'

With my second I too had utterly crippling pre natal depression and anxiety, with horrific intrusive thoughts. I look back now and wonder wtf I was thinking. Yet it all felt so real t the time.

SkiptonLass is right, you cannot just pick up a research paper you find on the Internet and assume it is valid you need to be able to interpret the methodology behind it. Without years of scientific training there is just no point in looking at this stuff. A little knowledge is a dangerous thing.

Good luck. I am pro choice but I think every one of us reading your posts can see just how much you are going to regret terminating.

This is definitely a pregnancy related mental health issue, I cannot even begin to plead with you enough how much you will see that once your baby is born. At the moment your thinking is irrational and completely obsessional, NOTHING is wrong with your baby, you will not have harmed your baby, but if you have a termination, you may find that you completely regret it afterwards.
You need to get some proper help, speak to your midwife and get a mental health assessment done.
Honestly you will look back at this soon and thinking "what the fuck was I thinking"
Don't look back and thinking "what the fuck have I done" because it cannot be undone.
You need support and love OP, not google. Talk to someone today.

p.s. - DS conceived during a drunken week, DD same again!

DS and DD are both gifted and talented children.

Clearly had no ill effects on them. I was also taking opiates for my spinal issues, none had any effect.

Hi

This sounds like something that can happen with severe perinatal OCD, but definitely is a mental health issue requiring Mh assessment from a specialist professional. I had OCD like this. It will make you make a decision to get relief from the anxiety and then you will crash after the abortion, not seeking help at this time could endanger your life.

You need urgent assessment, really urgent. Having an abortion in these circumstances may be catastrophic for your mental health.

Please take action.