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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

Can't bear this anymore, is termination at 15 16 weeks just going to make it all worse?

477 replies

Sleeplessinnorthlondon · 25/05/2015 12:23

I'm going to delete my profile soon as so ashamed of all of what's happened but desperate for any advice anyone can offer. In summary, conceived when thought couldn't, just about to start ivf, and didn't know. Had two different due dates from different scans but looks like could have drunk heavily 16, 17 and 18 dpo. Stopped as soon as found out but can't shake the guilt despite doctors all telling me it would probably be fine. Would never have terminated for downs or any condition the child was going to have anyway, but cannot bear idea of having spoilt life chances of child that would have been healthy through stupidity. Tried counselling, midwife, friends, all been so kind but can't shake terror and guilt and suspect will never shift and will be terrible mother when born as so anxious and guilty. Just can't bear any of this any more, none of the help I've tried to access is working and Marie stopes have said they can organise an abortion this week. Will mean hurting friends, family and above all darling darling husband but he has said will support me if it's the only way forward. So so desolate and terrified, everyone around me saying this is mental health issue not physical and probably right but in no state to bring child into the world like this anyway. Has anyone been in the same boat? Did the termination help or make it worse? Please help me.

OP posts:
Shonajay · 27/05/2015 22:54

Brilliant news! You're amazing! Am so so happy for you xxxx

duplodon · 27/05/2015 22:58

You've done so much, you are super proactive and it's such a credit to you when you've been so absolutely at the limits of yourself. You sound really balanced about it too, you know this is the first step not the end of the work you need to do. That's so positive. I am so happy for you. Keep us updated xx

fortunately · 28/05/2015 05:47

Very, very happy for you sleepless GrinGrinThanksBrew

sarkymare · 28/05/2015 06:00

Oh wow this update has bought a massive smile to my vommitty very dehydrated face! Thank you!

I'm so glad you're getting the help and support you deserve and need OP. The difference between your first few posts and the last is amazing, this thread will be of great help to other women who may find themselves in a similar situation to you too I'm sure.

Good luck with your appointments etc and I hope you had a lovely meal with your husband Smile

purplemeggie · 28/05/2015 06:40

Lovely update, so pleased you've got the support you need. Good luck Flowers

Jemimapuddleduk · 28/05/2015 08:03

Well done sleepless! I am weeping a bit reading your update. You have done so well and all those steps sound really positive and proactive. Best of luck to you over the coming months and I really hope you manage to get the opportunity to relax and enjoy the pregnancy a bit.

sebsmummy1 · 28/05/2015 08:04

So pleased to read your update sleepless. Look after yourself and let the professionals and your family help look after you too.

Pregnancy is an amazing and special time but my god those hormones are powerful and can make you think in a totally different way to how you might otherwise. You will come out the other side of this with your gorgeous baby and that baby will be totally perfect in every way to you, I promise.

bakingtins · 28/05/2015 08:08

Fantastic update. Smile All the best for the rest of the pregnancy. I hope you continue to get lots of support to deal with any intrusive thoughts.

Frescoed · 28/05/2015 09:00

Great news Sleepless, well done - that's a really big step. Good luck with the next few days, and come and find us again on the November bus if you fancy it at some point.

Blue2014 · 28/05/2015 09:01

That's brilliant, im so proud of you for getting support. It's very brave. And now ... Congratulations on your pregnancy SmileThanks I think you'll be a great mum

Original poster
Sleeplessinnorthlondon · 28/05/2015 09:05

Thank you all so much. Off to gp now to talk through general care plan etc and just make sure am on their radar even when the therapy ends but feeling cautiously really positive. Noticed some crackers thoughts creeping in like what if scan wrong and drank even later or what if the doctor I saw last night just being nice (like every other doctor I've seen!!) but managed to use technique therapist discussed of being aware if those thoughts and just not giving into them and recognising that for some reason mornings are always a hard time and that I do feel better in the day. Nowhere near tears let alone hysteria have managed most mornings to now so feel like this is progress!!! Thank you all so so so much, love mumsnet xxxxx

OP posts:
longestlurkerever · 28/05/2015 09:14

Brilliant news sleepless. You sound so strong and grounded. Good on you recognising you need help and seeking it out. You'll be a fab mum. Xx

sianihedgehog · 28/05/2015 09:21

sleepless I'm so glad to hear that you're getting support and that it's helping you! My therapist years ago taught me some of the same sort of techniques for challenging those intrusive thoughts and catastrophic assumptions and they help me every day. Good luck with the GP, and with your therapy and CBT, and talk to all of us if you need to. I've just been referred for another course of CBT myself, because pregnancy really doesn't agree with my mental health either, so you're totally not alone!

Momagain1 · 28/05/2015 09:25

Yay Sleepless! Glad you have found the help you need.

Hippymama1 · 28/05/2015 10:06

Well done Sleepless... It's hard to start with to get a handle on the intrusive thoughts but you will find it easier the more you do it.

A few months down the line (and with plenty of practice!) I am able to acknowledge my intrusive thoughts but then just dismiss them as just being a bit bonkers without feeling any of the anxiety or distressing emotions I used to feel. It is so liberating after feeling so awful and tied in to that thought process for so long!

You are doing so well - I am so happy for you. What a difference a day makes! Grin

Keep well lovely and keep us posted. x

Kangaroosjump · 28/05/2015 10:10

Iv read your earlier posts and I was where you were only over something else not drinking, then it turned into focusing on scans being harmful and guilt for that (they're haven't been proved to be but I read the disclaimer in a private clinic) then it was the stress of me worrying that I was guilty for, then baby was born healthy but I was in a psych unit for OCD by this point and then it was jabs I was terrified of because if he had a reaction it would be MY fault for allowing the jab. Later I decided it would be MY fault for not allowing the jab if he got sick and I got ones not even on the schedule for him. Then I decided it was MY fault because he did have a reaction and now I obsess over his immune system

And what I want to do is run away and refuse to be involved in any aspect of his health care - which sounds horrible to others and as though I don't care (just like perhaps you wanting to abort did, I nearly did too btw) but it's not that I don't care it's that I care SO much I don't want to inflict anything on him and can't take the guilt that it would be MY fault if he has problems. Perhaps I can't trust myself with the thing that is dearest to me.

I still have OCD, started in early pregnancy

But I can recognise now how it just finds something to focus on and what it focuses on is really irrelevant in the end although I never see that at the time I'm overpowered by my obsessions.

But I guess I just want to say take support for OCD because it in my experience doesn't stop but latches on to another thing after another thing and continues and four years on im finally recognising the patterns in hindsight and starting to see how and when they'll crop up in future

And my boy is still healthy.

Even though he was at increased risk because of blah blah blah Wink

Justusemyname · 28/05/2015 10:16

When your lovely Baby is happy and safe in your arms, would you consider posting to this thread so that if anyone else did what you did and panicked themselves they can see it can all work out in the end okay?

Good luck! Hope you had a nice dinner.

3luckystars · 28/05/2015 10:47

Well done well done WELL DONE.
We all get those thoughts, just think of it like the noise of traffic on the road outside your house, its just noise and its nothing to do with you, just let it go past.

Well done, your post has really lifted my spirits today.

flamingtoaster · 28/05/2015 13:51

What great news. So glad you now feel so positive.

Original poster
Sleeplessinnorthlondon · 28/05/2015 14:22

Promise when bubba born will post back! Yes. Gp lovely, all on track - this is the best support network ever. Have not replied individually to all of you who have been brave enough to tell me about your own challenges but so so grateful to you and will do and wish you all the very best luck coming through these too xxxxx

OP posts:
ohdearitshappeningtome · 28/05/2015 19:04

Good luck with everything op. And if I ever feel the need do come back and talk to whoever!

When your baby is in your arms it's the most wonderful feeling ever and you cherish that moment for the rest of your life. The whole good bad and ugly !Thanks

Saltedcaramel2014 · 28/05/2015 21:45

Your updates are wonderful. I'm so happy for you, sleepless. These journeys have ups and downs so know that you can come back and post here at any point, if you'd find it helpful. Good luck with your pregnancy. Xx

ambientolf · 28/05/2015 22:09

Good luck sleepless. Please do tell us when your lovely baby is born Flowers

GiddyOnZackHunt · 28/05/2015 23:26

You're doing really well :) There may be days where you have little wobbles before and after the birth. Do come back and chat them through. You probably realise this already but there's no stigma in coming back to say "I thought I was good but today feels awful so I need to talk it through".

roughtyping · 29/05/2015 07:46

sleepless I am over the moon for you Grin hope you come back over to the Nov ante natal thread when you're ready! So, so happy that you're sounding so much better Flowers