Can't bear this anymore, is termination at 15 16 weeks just going to make it all worse?

[Sleeplessinnorthlondon]

I'm going to delete my profile soon as so ashamed of all of what's happened but desperate for any advice anyone can offer. In summary, conceived when thought couldn't, just about to start ivf, and didn't know. Had two different due dates from different scans but looks like could have drunk heavily 16, 17 and 18 dpo. Stopped as soon as found out but can't shake the guilt despite doctors all telling me it would probably be fine. Would never have terminated for downs or any condition the child was going to have anyway, but cannot bear idea of having spoilt life chances of child that would have been healthy through stupidity. Tried counselling, midwife, friends, all been so kind but can't shake terror and guilt and suspect will never shift and will be terrible mother when born as so anxious and guilty. Just can't bear any of this any more, none of the help I've tried to access is working and Marie stopes have said they can organise an abortion this week. Will mean hurting friends, family and above all darling darling husband but he has said will support me if it's the only way forward. So so desolate and terrified, everyone around me saying this is mental health issue not physical and probably right but in no state to bring child into the world like this anyway. Has anyone been in the same boat? Did the termination help or make it worse? Please help me.

Another who got a thyroid problem diagnosed after pregnancy. I was extremely tired and anaemic and couldn't think straight. But with the proper treatment I'm ok, although had a relapse after dc2. But now I have two wonderful little ones. Nothing is straight forward OP. Read this thread over and over, you have so much support. Good luck with your appointment later

I made a rookie mistake reassuring you and missing all the signs of ocd. As a long term sufferer myself, I should have known better. I battle with lots of MH problems daily, including intrusive thoughts. I'm terrible for reassurance seeking. At one point I was calling my DP 20 time a day at work and asking the same questions. All your doing is feedinf the illness. Every time you get reassured you are reinforcing the possibility that your worries are infact Real, when in actual fact, the reality is, that your worries at this moment are completely in your mind. I am 110% sure that the drinking you have spoken of has Not harmed your baby. I said in previpus post that I heavily drank the first 3 weeks I was pregnant with no idea. My baby is happy and healthy. I know saying that won't help you, but I'm just pointing out a fact. The thing is that there really are no certainty's in life. In pregnancy EVERYTHING we injest has "potential" side effects. Even paracetamol which I had to take (along with meds eventually given to me because my MH was so bad) but they HAVE to give you the 1 in a million possibility that It could cause harm but it's just to cover their backs. If a child is born sick, it could simply be coincidence. But at least you cant blame the doctors in the meds they gave you - and that's why they say it. I'm a firm believer that if something isn't going to work out 100%, it's just the way it's meant to be. But here is another insight for you. Now I see your suffering from ocd, I can Almost guarantee you that if you terminate this 99.9999% healthy baby, your ocd will then latch onto that. Please
Trust me on this. That's the nature of the illness and I have lived with it for 25 years so I know. So right now your catastrophizing (typical ocd) .... Then say you have the termination to relieve and eliminate any chance your baby could be unhealthy. This will make you feel better (for maybe a day of your lucky). Then your ocd will absolutely destroy you with guilt. I promise you. You will question over and over whether you done the right thing. "Did I abort my health baby? What If my little baby was a absolutely fine and I took the chance away of ever finding out? What did my little miracle look like? I will never know and how can I live with that? .... And the thing is, a termination really is so so final, we all know that if you go ahead with it, you will 100% never get the clarity that ocd needs. You will never ever know if you aborted your healthy baby. You will torture yourself over this for a long time sleepless. That's what ocd does. Please please get some help from MH teams and psychological help regarding your mental health before you jump into any each decisions. I know u think that having this termination will automatically take away your problems. And your right. It will take away this ONE particular obsession because it's not possible to worry about the harm
You have maybe caused your baby if you are no longer pregnant. But mark my words, toir ocd WILL latch onto something else after the termination and it could be an obsession way worse than the one your having now. You need help combating your OCD. It's as black and White as that. There are no magical answers and a termination is absolutely giving into your illness. The more you do this, the less chance of ever ever getting well. I wish you all the very best xx

Sending warm thoughts your way, hope your appointment later is helpful, be kind to you

sleepless "managing to do impression of sane person helping a lot"

That's great, well done! So are you finding distraction is helping?

If so, what else can you do to distract yourself / keep your mind occupied? What are your plans over the next few days?

Wiggly sorry for misunderstanding your grip

No worries RJnomore :) It's a well-used word on mumsnet and it's often meant in a harsh way. I should have chosen better words or explained myself better.

Another one saying well done for getting help. And that I don't think a termination in your situation will not help your mental health, may in fact be detrimental.

And I am someone else who hit the booze before I knew I was pregnant at about 2 weeks. Didn't generally drink but was away for the weekend with friends and drank similar (if not larger) amounts to you.
And I also had an accident in the lab I worked in and split a known mutagen/teratogen all over myself. I did get properly cleaned up but not as well maybe as if I/we had known I was pregnant....(in fact we joked if was lucky I wasn't, or planning to get, pregnant any time soon ).
The result is now a healthy intelligent 14 yo...

I think it best you seek a second opinion medically. and yes I second the ocd comments. you are focusing entirely on one thing. For example if you wouldnt abort over downs or other stuff then why this? Noone can be ticking all the boxes of avoiding/eating what you should through an entire pregnancy. I was told during ivf to continue drinking coffee as it was ok. However I quit coffee and wouldnt even drink tea for the minute amount of caffeinne it contained. Doctors are not always right and yes alcohol is dangerous in some ways but the focus on alcohol in pregnancy is more geared toward alcoholics and the damage they can cause to their children than a few drinks over a short period of time like you describe.

Hi sleepless. I'm glad you came back to update. Offload away, that's what we're here for! Your DH sounds lovely. He clearly adores you for you. He will want you to be well - but that doesn't mean he wants someone 'straightforward' I'm sure he loves being with you because you are kind, intelligent and thoughtful (and the rest). Don't apologise or feel guilty for being you. You are a good person. You just need some support at this stage in your life.

Oh OP I just want to give you a hug, you sound so so unwell right now. Please don't let your OCD take your longed for child from you. It will be your illness not your drinking that will cause this child the harm if you don't get help. If this is how much anguish and guilt you feel about three days of unintentional drinking during pregnancy how on earth will you cope with reconciling your guilt about an intentional termination of a most likely perfectly well and thriving baby girl? You can't maintain control or perfection with parenthood, pregnancy, birth, kids are all messy and utterly unpredictable... I say this as someone who followed all the medical advice to the letter and had my dd three months prematurely. I kept looking at her on her vent thinking you were perfect a week ago, now I'll never know that you. But my dd is 4 thriving and exactly the person I would have wished for. Your little one will be too, trust her to get on with what she's doing, they are so very very very tough, but she needs you to get help for you both - from a mental health professional.

Dear lovely, kind, intelligent and beyond helpful mumsnetters. I have good news. The therapist was super kind and helpful, the fmc also beyond reassuring and for some reason really feel excited and relived for first time can remember. Cancelled marie stopes, out for dinner with husband to celebrate. Do see feeling so high after so low in itself possible cause for concern so still be getting help, plugged into mental health system and actually when it works it seems working v well, 6 weeks of therapy plus cbt plus gp tmrw to consider options for meds all already booked. God bless the Nhs and god bless mumsnet. Thank you thank you thank you xxx.

Very very pleased to read this sleepless.
Take it one day at a time, but it sounds like you are going in the right direction.
You're going to be a great mum.

Glad to hear this update . Please take all the help you can get and don't dare think you are wasting anyone's time . I'm sure the skills you learn will stand you in good stead in the future , kids are always finding new ways of making you worried !

And as a mum of a GCSE pupil , can I thank you for not cancelling your revision sessions? That girl yesterday who was desperate to see you - she could have been my daughter. Her lovely chemistry teacher missed her lunch today to help her.

Awww Sleepless That's fantastic news! Well done you!

Don't worry about tomorrow for now - enjoy feeling better today. If you feel less well in the future then at least this time you will know that you can and will feel better as you have done today. I am so pleased for you!

The NHS treatment I received was so helpful - was hard sometimes but so worth it and really, really worked. You are absolutely doing the right thing.

Please do come back and keep us posted regularly, however you feel - there are loads of us here to support you and you can always offload here...

Try to give yourself one treat per day - doesn't have to be anything massive or expensive, just one thing per day like a nice chocolate or do your nails or have a nice long soak in the tub and remember while you are doing it that this is your treat as you are a special person who has been really brave and is doing an incredibly brave thing by facing your problems head on and doing the best you can for yourself, your husband and your baby. That will make you an amazing mum!

I am so happy and relieved for you that you have got the help and support that you need and that you can start to make changes and feel better. Looking forward to hearing about how you are getting on.

Congratulations! x

That post has given a huge gulp-sob-choke of relief. Please please keep up with the intervention and take all the help you are offered. I really hope you get to maximize the time you are pregnant and can actually enjoy being so. Pregnant with your first child is just the Best Thing Ever - it's never the same again. So so much precious, happy joy ahead of you, it makes me weep every time I remember it.

Well done OP, keep it up.

Oh I'm so pleased! Please keep us updated. Mumsnet at its best.

Oh, and let us know if you have w girl or a boy!!

What a wonderful update Well done, sleepless, you have been very brave. I'm so pleased you have found some useful support, and I really hope you continue to build on this and find some joy in the months ahead. It feels like a good time now to congratulate you on your pregnancy

So very glad to read this update Sleepless and that you are now plugged into the right services to help you. You're right - the NHS can be bloody brilliant when you really need them.

Hope you had a lovely dinner with your DH and that you can now start to relax a bit.

Thank heavens for this update. Much love to you sleepless.

A little tear of happiness that you gave yourself and bump a chance.

Being in the grip of a low can only be seen, truly, when your out of it. Use this as a learning curve, to spot if it starts to happen again. Eventually you may be able to catch yourself form falling into such a low again. I know this to be true for me. I spot the signs of a low and act to minimise it's strength and longevity.

I think your wise to be aware of your high but enjoy it. Just be honest about it (and all other intense emotions) when you talk to help, DH and most importantly yourself.

Although there is a chance it's all a pregnancy hormone thing

Just so pleased for you and thank you for the update, and as others have said, always come back to share the highs and the lows. Xx

So glad you're feeling more
Positive.
As other posters have said, there are so many things that can happen with a pregnancy, no one can give guarantees. But I have no doubt that your beautiful baby will not be harmed from what happened. I had two miscarriages and then fell pregnant at Christmas and didn't know and of course it was party season so I drank loads from ovulation until I took a test at 17dpo. My daughter is happy and healthy and very intelligent. With dd2 she was unexpected and again I had drank during that period and she's absolutely fine.
I agree that this isn't really about the alcohol and I'm so glad you're getting help. The prospect of being a mum can be so overwhelming at times, especially if you've almost given up hope of having a child. Hormones and fear of the unknown can just tip you into a terrible state at times.
Wishing you all the best for a happy and healthy pregnancy and hope your treatment goes well xx

Fantastic news xx

Take away the alcohol issue because this is clearly about your MH. I suffered severely during my pregnancy with depression, anxiety, ocd, you name it ... I had it. It was a terribly testing time and I considered a termination. My beautiful healthy baby girl will be 2 weeks tomorrow and although im not out the woods yet and on medication and under special care ... I don't regret my decision to have my baby girl for a second. Every time I feel bad I look at her to remind me just how much it was worth it. And it was. And I know you will feel the same when you meet your beautiful sand healthy baby x sending lots of love x

Please please reconsider. My ex neighbour drank ALL the way through pregnancy, 8 cans of strong lager, and smoked forty cigarettes a day. I was sure her kids would have been affected, butBOTH of them are in top class for streaming at school, and perfectly normal.

The other thing is, if there were anything wrong you may well have miscarried so the likelihood is there's not. You need to see a specialist counsellor and pay for extra tests if need be to put your mind at rest. How are you going to feel if you go ahead and there was nothing wrong- harsh of me, I'm sorry, but you need help, honey xxx

Read the thread, the OP has updated.