Upset and angry at partners comment

[louisejanep]

Hi ladies, i feel so upset and hurt but don't want to turn to anybody so thought I would write this on here just to get it off my chest. I am 33 +2 and my partner and I are expecting our first baby together. He's building us a house to live in but won't be ready until a few months after baby is born, so at the moment I'm still living with my parents and so is he.

When were together were the best of friends, we are so close and I'm really happy. However at the weekend we decided to pick the baby's pram, the one I like is a little more expensive but more practical than the one he wants. So to cut a long story short we began arguing over the pram (petty I know) then last night I told him, I'm the one having to sell my car for the new baby (sports car and need to downgrade for money) baby's taking his second name, he's picked the cot, won't let me have the baby name I love, he's chose where to live and then I said to him and your the reason I am not going to have my mum as a birth partner because even though I want her there he feels uncomfortable about it. So I've been absolutely fine over it and said I don't want you to feel uncomfortable so I will just have you as my birth partner. So I said just let me get the pram I want.

As soon as I said last night about the birth partner thing he said have someone else as your birth partner then I'm not ased, so I said so your not turning up for the birth of your baby and he said go find someone else as your birth partner.

I am still in shock that he turned round and said that, it was all over text aswell making the situation ten times worse. He's been excited from day one, and I know he's highly stressed about a lot at the moment, but that comment has made me physically sick, angry and so upset. I don't want to get out of bed today because I feel really upset and hurt. I don't want to tell friends or family because I don't want it to make him look bad, because we normally r the best of friends. But I need to get it off my chest. I don't know what to think or do.

Sorry OP but he sounds very controlling, and not very loving or supportive. Please do talk to someone in real life. You need support right now, especially as you're not getting it from him.

Also you wouldn't be "making him look bad" - he's making himself look bad with this behaviour towards you!

Hey louisejanep, I'm not surprised you're upset. It's a stressful time for both of you and you probably both said things you ought not, which people do. Do you really feel he's getting the final say on everything though or were you reacting in anger?

My considered, none informed, none medical thoughts are a) send him a text saying you love him and b) haul yourself out of bed, go for a walk and see what a wonderful world you are bringing your (and his!) baby into. Or have a cuppa with a friend. Or just something nice, have a chat to bump and look at some photos or something positive.

(the naughty in me says "order the pram!! order the pram!!!") but I'd hate to cause you trouble. You'll get it sorted. Take lots of care X

I know it's out of character for him to say something like that, and I understand he wants loads of involvement but like you say it's not supportive acting like that. And I feel really hurt by it, I don't know whether to leave all contact with him for a few days and he might realise he's upset and hurt me I don't know what to do. What would you do ?

I know it's not the point, but when you're in labour at the hospital if you tell the midwife to get your mum, she'll get your mum for you because they are there to support YOU.

Aww thank you oobis your reply made me smile especially the ordering the pram part hehe. I don't think he has the final say on everything, I have bought quite a few things myself like the nursery (well my mum has, good ol' mum) we have gotten on so well throughout the whole of the pregnancy, because he's quite head strong I do feel if he wants to do something he will do, or that I have to get some sort of approval of him at times. And if he doesn't get his own way he does kind of spit his dummy out. When I look at what we are arguing about - a pram I think this is ridiculous all it is , is a pram! But his comment last night about not being there when I go into labour has really upset me because he's been excited about everything right from the beginning. Hmm relationships eh!!

You have who you want at the birth. End of. Not his choice. Yours.

He sounds like he's working hard to build the house but he can't have the final say on everything. Put your foot down. Can't you just buy the buggy you want on your card? You'll be the one pushing it around and folding/unfolding it. I don't think you should be afraid of getting into trouble, because if you are then your relationship needs sorting out.

Don't have a row with him, just tell him that's how you want it. Really, I'd be pissed off that he was being so obstinate about everything. It does sound a bit controlling.

What would I do? I'd meet up with a good friend (to cheer myself up) and leave it a bit - but not too long - before contacting him (to let the dust settle). I would then tell him how I feel and see what he says.

FWIW I think it's really wrong that he says your mum can't be at the birth because he would be uncomfortable. You're the one giving birth FFS! You get to decide who's there.

The controlling behaviour and making a fuss if you don't go along with what he wants is worrying tbh.

I wouldn't play games. If you're upset and hurt, tell him. Not in a nasty way, just so he knows. Men can be very, er, unperceptive sometimes! You feel how you feel, don't apologise for it. If you want some space, again, tell him, but take it. Look after yourself and bump. Hopefully this is a minor blip and you will also nurture a happy relationship with baby's dad too, but you are number one at the moment. Maybe worth telling him that too!

There's having involvement and then there's being controlling. He can't just spit his dummy out everytime he doesn't get his own way. It's your baby too!

I think considering how much he has chosen you should be able to get the pram you want.

How hurtful! Tell him you feel so upset, and you want him there (if you do!).

But, I have to say you are both under a lot of pressure at the moment. Baby on its way, living separately and a huge building project. He's probably feeling pressure as the provider.

I'm not excusing what he said. Im really not.

But from his point of view you are living with your parents, you are experiencing the pregnancy, he doesn't get to say goodnight to the baby every night, he's not around as much as your parents are to experience the joys of pregnancy etc. Maybe he's feeling a bit detached?

Why are you making excuses for him? He has massively upset his partner and the mother of his unborn child, all because she wanted her own way about one small thing?

Thanks ladies for all the comments so far, feels so much better talking to you guys and getting it off my chest. I don't really like talking to family or friends about this as I don't want them to judge the relationship. We've had such a good relationship throughout the pregnancy and at first I loved how much involvement he was taking, but I think things should be 50/50 and I keep telling him in a relationship you need to compromise.

I know he's got a lot on his plate at the moment, but it's not fair he should snap at me. He will just throw 'I'm building a house for us and the baby and putting all my time and money into this, stop being a spoilt brat' which i really appreciate, but honestly since I've been pregnant I've been so lovely towards him . Before I was pregnant with my monthlies I was a right cow lol but I have honestly not moaned about anything whilst being pregnant (apart from the usual back pain but who doesn't complain about that)

Like you lovely ladies said, I might just keep myself busy for the next couple of days, I wish he would just phone me and say do you know what I was totally out of order and I apologize for what I said. But he wouldn't he's too stubborn.

I actually said to him when he said go find another birth partner , so how do I explain it to your little girl that her dad wasent there for her birth ( kind of wish I didn't say that, as it is childish) so I know already he would have gone straight to his friends and said she's manipulating me. And then they say yes she's manipulating you there with the baby (I would never do that) then because his friends have spoke to him he's in the right.

I don't think you should sulk, I think you should tell him how you feel.

"don't really like talking to family or friends about this as I don't want them to judge the relationship. "
But that doesn't stop him bad-mouthing you to his friends, does it? If they love you and care about you, their opinion should matter. Maybe you know deep down something is wrong and you don't want to hear what they would say?

Sorry if I'm reading too much into this, but he does sound very controlling, and I have heard that abusive men can become much worse when their partners are pregnant (probably because you become more dependent on them).

Yes I agree with all your comments, there's truth in what you are all saying. Yes Emma I am going to tell him how I feel I just don't know what's the best way to do it, because I know his responses will be , I'm working , I'm busy. Sorry to keep rambling on about this. Ye I know my mum will hold a grudge towards him but like you said it's better to speak to friends/family. I feel at the moment I am very dependable on him, I run my own business and not making hardly money from it at the moment even though I'm working like 12 hour days, just trying to get it off the ground.

So yes I rely on him for an awful lot at the moment and worried I'm not going to be as independent as I would like for a good while. Thank you for everyone offering advice it really means a lot.

you are going to be parents. Time to sit down, have a frank talk and start pulling together as a team rather than tit-for-tat. It shouldn't be a matter of 'won't let' it should be compromise and discussion. No sulks, no 'men can be like that' (imagine if someone said 'women can be really dumb at times'...). Recognise you are both under great stress and that you need to look after each other.

you have to rely on each other now.

You might get more advice if you posted in Relationships. If you want you can ask for it to be moved (by reporting the post and asking MN to move it).

I don't agree that you should automatically get your mum there, that's a decision that should take both your feelings into consideration. If you've made that decision you can't throw it in his face when you are arguing about something completely different.

And you both need to stop with the text arguments. Pick up the phone or talk face to face.

I actually think you're doing a very healthy thing by not airing this to your friends/family. So long as there is no abuse then keeping your fights between you is a good thing and builds trust. People taking sides won't help.

It sounds like you two have serious power struggle dynamic going on. You both have to find a way to communicate and make decisions that doesn't have a winner and a loser. Being in a relationship with kids involved requires giving and receiving a whole lot of grace. It's stressful, it's tiring and it's only going to get harder before it gets easier. I'd say something like "I'm really upset by what you said but it's made me realise how strongly you must feel because you don't usually speak to me that way." Then try to listen. Try to hear him. Try to find a compromise that works. Maybe your mum could be in the waiting room and only called if you really need her?

"I actually think you're doing a very healthy thing by not airing this to your friends/family. So long as there is no abuse then keeping your fights between you is a good thing and builds trust. People taking sides won't help."

Noooo, I really disagree with this. Of course she shouldn't discuss every little argument with her family or friends. But if something's really upset her, I think it's totally healthy to talk about it with someone supportive. Even if it's just to say "we had an argument and we'll fix it but in the meantime I need a hug / cheering up / etc". It's the real life equivalent of posting on MN to get advice, and IMO it's better to get face to face support from a loved one, than online support from strangers (though both have their place).

You also seem to have missed the point the OP made that he says negative things about her to his friends, and they take sides. That is what is unhealthy. It's not the same as the OP talking to someone she's close to, for support (not to turn them against her partner).

Lastly, you say "so long as there is no abuse". But if a woman didn't talk about her relationship until she was being abused, by that point she might find it very hard to talk about, to realise there is a problem, and to reach out to family or friends for support. By that point the abuser will have undermined her confidence and sense of right and wrong. She will probably have become isolated.

Yes I agree with you all about sitting down and talking face to face but I know he will say he hasent got time and he can't take time out of work at the moment. He's never vacant always busy, and therefore I feel the only way I can communicate my part is through text because I know he will speak over me and start calling me a spoilt brat (even though I'm not ) because that's an easy line for him to use and he will feel the way he's being is justified. Im not a spoilt brat at all though, I'm downgrading my car to put money into the house and to be able to put money away so we can enjoy nice things when baby is here .

Just one thought to add to what others have said above - how much extra is the pram you want? Just that if he's putting all his money into the house, he may feel resentful about having to spend a lot on a pram if he's already mentally budgeted for the cheaper one.

Your post of 14:56 suggests your partner is not very nice - sorry.

Refusing to speak to you because he is busy - what for 24 hours a day, 7 days a week?
Will he be too busy to spend time with his children?
If you disagree with him, he calls you spoiled? He doesn't sound a nice person at all.
You can only communicate by text? This doesn't sound like a good way to be.

Hi rock chick the pram I want includes everything and is £600, his mums paying £300 and then he said he will pay £300. However the one he wants is £300 so his mum would be paying for all of it.

I've said I will pay and go halves with his mum.

You two need ground rules. Name calling isn't on. Him calling you spoiled brat or any other personal attack/name calling is no good.

Send him a text and ask when you can see him. Leave it in his court. Don't get drawn in.