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Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

Upset and angry at partners comment

135 replies

louisejanep · 19/05/2015 13:32

Hi ladies, i feel so upset and hurt but don't want to turn to anybody so thought I would write this on here just to get it off my chest. I am 33 +2 and my partner and I are expecting our first baby together. He's building us a house to live in but won't be ready until a few months after baby is born, so at the moment I'm still living with my parents and so is he.

When were together were the best of friends, we are so close and I'm really happy. However at the weekend we decided to pick the baby's pram, the one I like is a little more expensive but more practical than the one he wants. So to cut a long story short we began arguing over the pram (petty I know) then last night I told him, I'm the one having to sell my car for the new baby (sports car and need to downgrade for money) baby's taking his second name, he's picked the cot, won't let me have the baby name I love, he's chose where to live and then I said to him and your the reason I am not going to have my mum as a birth partner because even though I want her there he feels uncomfortable about it. So I've been absolutely fine over it and said I don't want you to feel uncomfortable so I will just have you as my birth partner. So I said just let me get the pram I want.

As soon as I said last night about the birth partner thing he said have someone else as your birth partner then I'm not ased, so I said so your not turning up for the birth of your baby and he said go find someone else as your birth partner.

I am still in shock that he turned round and said that, it was all over text aswell making the situation ten times worse. He's been excited from day one, and I know he's highly stressed about a lot at the moment, but that comment has made me physically sick, angry and so upset. I don't want to get out of bed today because I feel really upset and hurt. I don't want to tell friends or family because I don't want it to make him look bad, because we normally r the best of friends. But I need to get it off my chest. I don't know what to think or do.

OP posts:
ItsADinosaur · 19/05/2015 17:51

They won't think you've failed, they will want to love and support you. Don't end up in a miserable situation because of your pride.

NameChange30 · 19/05/2015 17:56

It doesn't matter what other people think. You have done brilliantly well by getting a good degree and setting up your own business (which not everyone would have the courage to do). IMO there are no failures in life, only setbacks to learn from. If this relationship doesn't work out, you won't have failed, you will have succeeded in moving on from an unhealthy relationship.

YouBastardSockBalls · 19/05/2015 18:07
Shock

Fuck.

What a cunt.

Actually speechless here.

Original poster
louisejanep · 19/05/2015 18:08

Thank you itsadinosaur.

Thank you Emma you've been so lovely and supportive today giving up your time it's really made me look at things in a different light today and that the little petty argument was just the tip of the iceberg that has made me realise an awful lot.

Your all lovely ladies and I'm really grateful to everyone who had taken the time to comment, it's made me realise that me and the baby are my number one priority. :)

OP posts:
Oliversmumsarmy · 19/05/2015 18:31

I think he has slowly taken you over until you think it is perfectly natural for him to take £125k from you. But by making a fuss over a pram he was not even going to be paying for and throwing a strop you have suddenly started to wake up.

You just have to keep reminding yourself that this house he is building is not going to be a family home for you and your child. It is his house not yours.

NameChange30 · 19/05/2015 18:35

You're very welcome louisejanep. Wish I could give you a hug! Take care of yourself and your bump xxx

Damnautocorrect · 19/05/2015 18:37

Could you stay at your mums after having the baby? That way you'll be surrounded with support and love (and you get to keep your car)

You could be talking about my ex, in the end he walked away with £60,000 of mine and over £100,000 in equity. Because it was better just to agree with his decisions.
It's absolutely ruined my childrens financial future (and mine). Don't let that be your beautiful baby.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 19/05/2015 18:43

You won £125k and you are going to be left with nothing while he gets a house and a property business all in his name.
He's controlling, dismissive and basically a cunt. Do not hand over one more penny. If you only get to keep £9k that's better than £0.
He's a nasty thief. Please reconsider this relationship :(

Original poster
louisejanep · 19/05/2015 18:57

Yes I want to stay at my mums after baby is born I know I will get so much help and support, my mum, dad, and my sister are really supportive and I know they will all be amazing I can put my life on them. I just want him to realise what this is doing to me, I've tried explaining but he doesn't want to listen. But if he doesn't start listening I'm afraid I will just have to make a life of my own. A lot of this advice has given me the confidence now to know what to say to him. Because whereas I already know his reaction will be ur too much of a moaner, or ur too spoilt and I think to myself am I. I now know from all of your comments that I'm not in the wrong at all.

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 19/05/2015 19:26

Good for you OP! It sounds like the confident, assertive you is still there, she just needed a bit of encouragement from us! Smile

GilbertBlytheWouldGetIt · 19/05/2015 19:41

People won't think you've failed, they'll think he's the wanker who bilked the mother of his child out of £££££.

Jessica2point0 · 19/05/2015 19:56

louise, maybe you need a break from the relationship for a bit. Take a few weeks, talk to your family about it and see how you feel.

He calls you names.
He stole your money.
He wants to take more money.
He doesn't value your opinion.
He always wants to get his own way (and usually does).
He's petty and childish.
He talks to his friends about how crap you are and doesn't stop them if they make nasty comments to you.
He doesn't want you to have the security of part owning a house you'd be putting money in to.
He doesn't care about how his actions make you feel.

You also sound a bit scared of him and his tantrums.

I really can't see what you get out of the relationship. For many people, any one of these things individually would be a deal breaker. Walking away from a relationship like this is a sign of strength, not failure.

Letmeeatcakecakecake · 19/05/2015 20:51

Gosh you could be talking about my ex.

I'm so glad you've started seeing the light! Please realise that you are worth so much more than how he treats you. You're a woman, women are designed to do amazing and powerful things.

Quite frankly he's an absolutely disposable human being.

Remember- knowledge is power! Seek legal advice on where you stand from all sorts of different fronts and put a plan of action in place (kind of like a business plan) you'll feel more confident in following through with your plans and will be less vulnerable than if you just wing it.

Try see where you stand from a legal aspect too with regards to this lottery win. I'm sure Camelot would have some paperwork regarding this and you could easily prove from bank statements that it wasn't shared equally and that he fleeced you from it.

slithytove · 19/05/2015 23:06

Oh op, I'm so sorry.
Please protect yourself and your baby.

Don't use his name, please. Since you aren't married, he could use that to make your life very difficult in the future. Personally i'd be rethinking putting him on the bc at all while things are like this.
Please, please don't give him any more money.

I would consult a solicitor just to see where you stand. I'd also consider standing up for yourself. Yes, you will choose your birth partners as its YOU who needs the support. You will choose the pram which you will be using 90% of the time. Small things but they matter. Fight back.
And for now, keep your car and stay with your parents.

Can an RF car seat go in a tt?

Cleaver83 · 19/05/2015 23:18

Hi,

There are a lot of great comments on here already and I haven't read them all. Perhaps you already have the reassurance you need. But I had a similar situation occur with my first pregnancy. Albeit we were living together (and still are) so we didn't have the added stresses of the distance and building a house in top of hormones etc. All I will say is that my OH went through a real transition into becoming a father. He was a very relaxed person but it was if a chain reaction occurred and he had to be the man and the provider all at once when really I didn't need anymore than simple support. Instead he put pressure and so much stress upon himself that at times he acted like your partner suddenly saying things in haste that were very out of character. I think what is important is being honest with him of how you feel, trying to understand that this is a huge change for both of you and making him understand that you need his support and you will try and support him too but the baby is the key person here and it needs you two to be together on this.
I hope things work out for you all xx

Oliversmumsarmy · 19/05/2015 23:37

I think Cleaver you need to read the thread.

Original poster
louisejanep · 19/05/2015 23:45

Thank you for all your advice. Thank you Cleaver I'm glad things worked out for you in the end. Yes it's a stressful time isn't it, with everything else going on aswell. It is out of character for him to have said that about the birth because he's been excited from day one. He just needs to learn that a relationship is about compromise and if he can't compromise then I can't carry this on.

I know it would kill him if I said I'm sorry but I'm calling this relationship off. But if he doesn't give me that emotional, financial, loving support I am going to have to. It might make him realise he has got to make massive changes. Grrrr it's stressful at the moment, but my unborn baby is my priority now and will always come before my needs and his.

If we work things out through supporting each other then I would be so happy , I just need him to listen and understand how his actions have hurt me.

OP posts:
YouBastardSockBalls · 20/05/2015 07:36

He stole £125k from you.

Just keep that in your mind.

I don't know how you can come back from that.

The worst thing is, he has you so well conditioned that you seem to find it totally acceptable that he has stolen £125k from you.

Flowers
Doggygirl · 20/05/2015 07:41

I would be very upset.

It's YOU giving birth - he has no right to tell you that you can't have your mum there!

Also rather shocked that he's vetoed the name you wanted,

Oliversmumsarmy · 20/05/2015 08:16

Are you sure he isn't delighted about the pregnancy because he knows now you are going to be more controllable rather than the fact he is going to be a parent. Stressed or not, to threaten to not attend the birth of his own child over something so petty speaks volumes. This about control not about the baby.

Oliversmumsarmy · 20/05/2015 08:22

Oh and keep telling yourself he stole £125000 from you. If a stranger stole that money WWYD. Would you just accept it and carry on struggling or would you phone the police. I think you need to speak to a solicitor to get some paperwork in place that says you own half the house. There must be a money trail if he took 125000 out of your account and put it into his. Banks nowadays have to know where large sums of money come from.

Cherryapple1 · 20/05/2015 10:04

How can you work things out with a thief? Please do not minimise or accept what he has done to you.

TravelinColour · 20/05/2015 10:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Stubbed · 20/05/2015 10:18

I wouldn't have wanted my mum at my DC births because it really was something for my partner and me. She's interested, yes, but he was the parent and must be involved.