Upset and angry at partners comment

[louisejanep]

Hi ladies, i feel so upset and hurt but don't want to turn to anybody so thought I would write this on here just to get it off my chest. I am 33 +2 and my partner and I are expecting our first baby together. He's building us a house to live in but won't be ready until a few months after baby is born, so at the moment I'm still living with my parents and so is he.

When were together were the best of friends, we are so close and I'm really happy. However at the weekend we decided to pick the baby's pram, the one I like is a little more expensive but more practical than the one he wants. So to cut a long story short we began arguing over the pram (petty I know) then last night I told him, I'm the one having to sell my car for the new baby (sports car and need to downgrade for money) baby's taking his second name, he's picked the cot, won't let me have the baby name I love, he's chose where to live and then I said to him and your the reason I am not going to have my mum as a birth partner because even though I want her there he feels uncomfortable about it. So I've been absolutely fine over it and said I don't want you to feel uncomfortable so I will just have you as my birth partner. So I said just let me get the pram I want.

As soon as I said last night about the birth partner thing he said have someone else as your birth partner then I'm not ased, so I said so your not turning up for the birth of your baby and he said go find someone else as your birth partner.

I am still in shock that he turned round and said that, it was all over text aswell making the situation ten times worse. He's been excited from day one, and I know he's highly stressed about a lot at the moment, but that comment has made me physically sick, angry and so upset. I don't want to get out of bed today because I feel really upset and hurt. I don't want to tell friends or family because I don't want it to make him look bad, because we normally r the best of friends. But I need to get it off my chest. I don't know what to think or do.

That's not a compromise OP. That's you letting him have his way.

How is paying separately for things going to work out if you've got no money when you're on maternity leave, or working part time? Are you both going to go part time to care for the baby equally?

Hi OP, it sounds like tensions are running high and unless there is a lot more to the background of this, I think some posters are very quick to call him controlling etc. I think he should let you get the pram you want, its part of the fun of a new baby picking this stuff. If you are very short of cash (which it sounds like you might be with downsizing car and building new house) then maybe he is just feeling the financial pressure and this is making him balk at the price when he feels you can get a perfectly good one for half the price. In reality, he is right but that's not the fun answer. And if its important to you, I think he should get on board for the pram.

Regarding the birth partner, I think that although you want your mum, he has every right to feel it should be him there as the babys father and your partner. As long as he is intending to be fully supportive. I would be gutted if my partner said she wanted her mum rather than me. You say you are great friends, surely he is the best person to be there? No doubt your mum would be great too but she did not make this child, he did. Its a really important moment for fathers too and as long as he isn't going to be unsupportive at the labour, then he has the right to be there I feel. I also think its very normal for him to want the baby to have his name but that's a discussion for you both as I can understand you wanting your surname used too. Great if you have come to an agreement on this. Regarding the first name, you say he won't let you have your favourite first name. My DH vetoed a few of my favourites. That is the way it goes and I expect you have shot down a few of his. You need to come up with a name that you are both happy with. I assume he accepts when you say no to some of his suggestions?

I think you both need to take a deep breath, he needs to not fly off the handle and say stupid things but it sounds like frustration on his side. You need to think carefully about what is really upsetting you regarding your new home, is he forcing you to live somewhere you really don't want or have you been going along with it fairly okay and he is working hard to get it sorted as soon as possible with the baby coming? There must be more to this if you are saying 'he chose where to live' like he is making you live somewhere?

I can't possibly judge how controlling he really is from your above posts. He is certainly childish in his responses but he sounds hurt too so I think it would be worth having a good chat together about finances, the house, life after baby. You are under a lot of pressure right now but hopefully your good relationship will be a strong foundation for your new family and home.

You keep saying that your relationship during pregnancy has been really good, OP - can I ask what it was like before?

Hmm it's complicated. I'm going on maternity leave to look after baby and he will be looking for another house to do up and sell on as his income, in the mean time we will be living on savings. So for time being we will both be around full time with baby

Choosing a pram is not equivalent to choosing the baby's name. I don't think his attitude is good about this. And if you're already having to keep your opinions to yourself for a quiet life, and being told he doesn't have time to speak to you to resolve difficulties, that looks even worse. You do realise he will expect to have his way in absolutely everything, don't you? Do you feel ok with living like that for the next 20 years?

Ok, so you aren't married.

May I suggest you don't give the baby his name. Plenty of time for that if and when you do get married/go the distance.

Do not give him any money for this house without getting it ring fenced.

It is a very precarious position financially to be unmarried and having someone's child. I would seriously try to get on the deeds of the house.

Cherry RTFT!
The OP said that she wants her mother to be at the birth as well as her partner, not instead of him.
And there are several examples of his controlling behaviour if you know what to look out for.

I just don't know how to address any of this with him

I think you need to start off there by convincing yourself that this is really really important and he needs to be able to talk to you about it when you tell him you're upset and worried.

It sounds like he's got into a habit where he gets to be in control of things and you go along with it because it's not worth the strop he'll throw if you don't. And now he gets to be in control of whether or not you have a conversation about it, because you suspect he won't handle it well if you try and will complain about you to his friends or call you spoilt or throw another strop...

But you can't have a relationship where he's willing to pull a "well fine then give birth on your own" card just because you disagreed with him about a pram. If he'll upset you like that over something as unimportant as a pram, how's he going to handle it when you disagree about something that really matters? How do you think he'd react if you said "I'm putting £9000 into the house so I want us to see a solicitor about that"?

If he is worth building a future with, he will be able to discuss it with you and try and work something out so you're both happy, even if he doesn't find it easy.

If he doesn't want to discuss it with you at all, then you can't make him. But at least you will know that he's not interested in changing things.

To be honest it doesn't sound much like a partnership. Are you going to have to ask his permission before you buy anything for the baby?

Is it a relatively new relationship?

Thank you to everyone replying. I defintley want the baby to have his second name, that was always suggested by me. And I know he will be really supportive birth partner, i have always wanted him there from day one, I would hate not to have him there. I just suggested about my mum maybe being there a while ago and he didn't like the idea. So I've learnt to accept that. And I'm really greatful he's building us a home, but at the same time, every time if have something on my mind or I disagree with him, I don't want him to throw the fact he's stressed with building a home for us in my face.

Well basically , the background to r relationship is that 4 years ago we won some money on the lottery I don't tell anyone this really but we won £250,000 I got a nice car, he got a nice car and he started up a property business. The money was in both r names, and around that time we started arguing about things, and he had all the money put in his name. It was my line that won but it was his turn to pay for the lottery and he paid on his card, so I had absolutely no leg to stand on. He give me a little bit of money to help me start up my own business, he would buy me materials for my business.

So he has used that money to start building this house for us. Now because the money has gone down so much, I need to sell my car (because it's an Audi TT and it it not practical for a baby) and he wants to take £9 - 10,000 of that money to put in the house. But as you all keep saying if we split up I won't have a leg to stand on again. I'm always skint, ppl think because we won that money I am loaded, but I don't have a penny in my bank I'm working 12 hr shifts on my business which is making no money.

There's a bit of the the background. We use to argue like cat and dog but since I've been pregnant we've both been really happy and we have got along so well. This is why I'm really upset that he's turned round and said about him not being at the birth.

louisejanep,

The very worst thing you can do here is hand over all your independence to him now because he will use that to further control you. This is about power and control; he wants absolute over you and already there are a lot of red flags about him.

You are pregnant and vulnerable. You are now seeing the real him and what he really is; he is coming across as controlling. Controlling behaviour like this is abusive behaviour. My guess also is that he has always been controlling but now you're pregnant he's ramped this power and control stuff up even more. He knows you are vulnerable.

I would indeed find another birth partner and ultimately make plans to live your life without him in it. He is going to make your life going forward an absolute misery. He cannot be at all relied on and only loves his own self.

Cactus is right:-
"He should not get to have the final say over naming the baby, who is at the birth, or how you spend your money. The fact that he wants to stop you having your mum there is awful. So is him demanding the child has his surname".

I would also advise you to read "Why does he do that?" written by Lundy Bancroft.

Do not give this child his surname nor any of your 9K for a house that is his and his alone. You need to maintain as well some financial independence.

There is a thread on relationships that I feel you should look at; its about the sister of a poster whose man threw her out of his sole owned property. She was also not on his mortgage or title deed

You won £250k and he took all the money?

I'm so shocked that I'm speechless tbh.

Please ignore my last comment, I started it before all the follow up comments happened so it became less relevant as things became clearer.

I do understand now she wants both mum and partner, I had misread. But even considering that I think I would not want the MIL (i know they're not married) there either. I would feel it's a private family moment for me and my partner.

Best of luck OP, it sounds complicated but all you can do is make sure you are heard and keep communication open.

Jesus wept.

"So I've learnt to accept that".

You've learnt to accept a lot of crap from him; he is really awful to you OP and has been from the get go. I would also state that he is not above financially abusing you either; you both played the lottery and he's seemingly kept most of the winnings!. I presume as well that the property business is in his sole name as well. He is building a home for him (and his child), that is never going to be a jointly owned or mortgaged property.

Yes he says I've had thousands though because I got my car, and then had some money put into my business. He says that I would waste the money as I was 21 at the time we won it and he was 26 and he says he knows how to invest and keep building the money up.

Holy shit about the money. OP, this is messy. If you are in it together forever it's fine for it to be communal money but he's gone about it all in a very self serving way. It is technically his money I guess. I don't know what to suggest on this one but I would be making sure my name was on the house. Please fight for that op.

None of it will be in your name will it OP? He's building it up so he can get the benefits, not you. I think you need to speak to a solicitor alone, get firm advice about how to protect your assets.

He I daresay will be the sort of person who will threaten you with sole custody of his child purely to get back at you if you were to leave him.

I am so sorry OP that you are facing this I really am but your life going forward with this man has more red flags about it than a Communist party committee meeting.

"Yes he says I've had thousands though because I got my car, and then had some money put into my business. He says that I would waste the money as I was 21 at the time we won it and he was 26 and he says he knows how to invest and keep building the money up."

He said all this so he could keep all the money. This is the ultimate in control. How much did he "give" you for your business? He said you've had "thousands", have you had £125,000 (your half)?

He stole your money. If the car cost £10k, he stole £115k from you. How are you not livid?!

I'm on your behalf OP.

Hmm I know it's really messy, the more I write and read these comments the more I think I'm a bloody fool.

Jesus Christ!

This guy has fleeced you royally.

You really, really need to toughen up - or you are going to end up utterly downtrodden by him.

He is not a nice person. He does not have your best interests at heart. And - he's a thief.

I cannot imagine you doing this, but my suggestion would be to tell him that you both won that money, the house is either in both your names or not at all - he can sit in it on his own. Your relationship is one of equals. Your name goes on the house, everything joint. You're either partners, or not. You will jointly decide on baby names: if he pulls any stunts, tries any sulking to get his own way, you'll register the baby yourself and with your surname. You'll respect his wish for it to be just him and you at the birth of the baby IF he can prove that he's not an utterly unsupportive abusive sulking controlling little cock before you go into labour.

What a horrible man!