Upset and angry at partners comment

[louisejanep]

Hi ladies, i feel so upset and hurt but don't want to turn to anybody so thought I would write this on here just to get it off my chest. I am 33 +2 and my partner and I are expecting our first baby together. He's building us a house to live in but won't be ready until a few months after baby is born, so at the moment I'm still living with my parents and so is he.

When were together were the best of friends, we are so close and I'm really happy. However at the weekend we decided to pick the baby's pram, the one I like is a little more expensive but more practical than the one he wants. So to cut a long story short we began arguing over the pram (petty I know) then last night I told him, I'm the one having to sell my car for the new baby (sports car and need to downgrade for money) baby's taking his second name, he's picked the cot, won't let me have the baby name I love, he's chose where to live and then I said to him and your the reason I am not going to have my mum as a birth partner because even though I want her there he feels uncomfortable about it. So I've been absolutely fine over it and said I don't want you to feel uncomfortable so I will just have you as my birth partner. So I said just let me get the pram I want.

As soon as I said last night about the birth partner thing he said have someone else as your birth partner then I'm not ased, so I said so your not turning up for the birth of your baby and he said go find someone else as your birth partner.

I am still in shock that he turned round and said that, it was all over text aswell making the situation ten times worse. He's been excited from day one, and I know he's highly stressed about a lot at the moment, but that comment has made me physically sick, angry and so upset. I don't want to get out of bed today because I feel really upset and hurt. I don't want to tell friends or family because I don't want it to make him look bad, because we normally r the best of friends. But I need to get it off my chest. I don't know what to think or do.

"Yes he says I've had thousands though because I got my car, and then had some money put into my business. He says that I would waste the money as I was 21 at the time we won it and he was 26 and he says he knows how to invest and keep building the money up".

You played the lottery jointly and that money was as much yours as his. It should have been shared 50/50. He thinks you are a child and incapable of looking after any sum of money. Presumably as well he is thinking about you paying back what he gave you.

All he cares about is his own self interest. Not you and perhaps not even his child. The house that he is building is for him and his sole benefit; you will never have any sort of financial interest in it.

The more I read about this man the more I see how you have been controlled by him.

Do not give your as yet unborn child his surname!.

My car was £20,000 at the time I bought it but he told me to get £4,000 finance on it, so I've been paying it out of my money every,noth for the last 4 years. Well I only run a small design business so not sure how much he's give me for materials, but my glasses and paints only cost a couple of quid each, I know it adds up.

We've argued like cat and dog about this over the years but since I've been pregnant haven't really brought it up. I just say to myself it's only money to make myself feel better but when I've told people they've gone mad about it,

Controlling men can be very charming and they can be very plausible to those in the outside world. Its only behind closed doors that the mask slips. And its now well and truly slipped. His recent comments are all indicative of how little he actually thinks of you (and by turn his child).

He's fleeced you both emotionally and financially.

You need legal advice as a matter of course to protect your financial interests. You certainly should not give him 9K towards HIS house. You need that money more than he does, you need that safety net.

I also hope that you find it within you to leave him as well.

Um, you're not necessarily a fool - but perhaps now, before you have the baby, is your best hope of setting some of this right.

Can you speak to your parents, and his, about the money? And the fact he took it from you?

Yes, he'll go ballistic. Who cares.

Tell them all that unless all monies are joint from now on, you are not prepared to move forward with him, either as a birth partner, partner full stop, or the person having his surname for your baby.

That might be a first step in getting back to the financial position he's stolen from you. He won't like it, but he might reckon on being able to control you enough even with your name on everything to go along with it, especially if the families are involved (and hopefully aghast at what a fucker he's been).

And then, when you split two years down the line because he's trying to control what you spend, what you do, and making you feel like utter shit because you're not being exactly what he wants you to be at all times, you'll at least have your name on the house and the bank accounts.

Tell the parents. Blow this open. And for god's sake don't give this horrible shit a penny more!

In their information about [[http://www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic_violence_topic.asp?section=0001000100220049
financial abuse]], Women's Aid include this example:

"Steal from her and use the money for himself; or transfer joint assets into his own name."

That's what he did. It's financial abuse.

OP, please talk to someone in real life. Please talk to your mum or a friend. If you don't feel ready to talk to them, you can call Women's Aid on 0808 2000 247. The line is open 24/7. They are the experts and they will be able to advise you.

OP, please talk to someone about this IRL. You don't want to express your opinions to this man because you are nervous of how he will react - that's not a healthy, loving relationship. He has taken YOUR money (half the lottery win), and now he wants more. If he has his way, in a few months you'll have no money, a new baby and be living in his house. Please don't let him do this to you. What advice would you give a sister / friend if they told you this situation?

How about seeing a solicitor? Free half hour advice - that money was yours too.

Another thing you could try and scare him with - put my name on everything, get the money in a joint account or I leave and get legal advice.

He'd probably go for the former thinking it's the least worst option. Then you can dump him and not lose out quite so much.

Seriously though, this guy is really bad news. I'm so sorry he's done this to you - but glad you seem to be waking up to it.

Another thing, though...

• If you have proof that the money came to you as well as him, you could probably get a charge put on the house - if there's proof of him taking ownership of joint money, then that money going on the house, you could probably argue that your money was transferred to him for that purpose and the house is half funded by you. As he was financially abusive, he didn't put you on the deeds. Might be worth exploring.

"My car was £20,000 at the time I bought it but he told me to get £4,000 finance on it, so I've been paying it out of my money every,noth for the last 4 years. Well I only run a small design business so not sure how much he's give me for materials, but my glasses and paints only cost a couple of quid each, I know it adds up".

You got 4K finance on it on his say so?. Blimey OP he has played you like a violin hasn't he?. I feel so sorry for you but this really does need to be pointed out. I bet as well he has made you feel pathetically grateful for him doling out money to you, that is financial abuse on his part. He knows that your business is small scale and is unlikely to make much money; he holds that against you as well. Also your own business will not be making any income when you have the baby to care for.

How much of the 250K did he keep for himself, the vast majority of it I daresay. And that is going on the house that he is building for his own self.

I don't think threatening him is a very good idea, Sylvanians. He is a controlling bully, he's not going to do what she wants, and he's not going to take kindly to threats either.

Definitely get legal advice. Women's Aid might be able to help you by telling you about legal services and suitable solicitors near you. I'm sure you could get some advice for free.

Thanks ladies. I've always been aware of things over the money. And if a friend told me what I've said I would go ballistic and tell her to bloody wake up and seriously do something quick. But I don't know why I have just been going with the flow. I think his comment about finding another birth partner has just really hit it home for me.

I might just tell him I'm going to use the money out of my car to find somewhere to rent with the Baby.

bloody hell - he stole that money from you. Please don't give him another penny and most certainly call the baby what you want. This is one of the worst threads I have read on MN. You really do need legal advice and fast.

As everyone has said OP, do not plough your savings into a house that won't be in your name. Legally if you split up you won't be entitled to his assets because you aren't married.

Won't you need to join money when you're on maternity leave? He can't expect you to contribute if you aren't earning, you won't be able to pay half. Be careful OP, do not leave yourself vulnerable. It happens over and over on here.

He does sound controlling, you need to start speaking up and saying no. Throwing his toys out the pram every time you assert yourself is his way of getting the final decision. You should be a team as parenting is bloody hard work, especially in the early days, it really can test your relationship.

Please talk to Womens Aid OP and also engage as much help as you can from your own family and friends to help you and your child going forward.

It seems mad that all of this started over a pram argument, but there's so much under the surface that even I choose to forget about and ignore. Thank you for the advice off everyone. I am defintley going to seek some sort of legal advice over the house situation I will see if I can get a free half hour meeting with a solicitor, as i haven't been able to afford to keep myself over the years, and I need to protect myself and the baby financially.

It didn't - the pram is the tip of the iceberg. On threads such as these the first issue normally is. If you speak to Women's Aid you may get free legal advice - especially as you are a victim of abuse.

Good plan. Good luck OP

When you are in labour you need someone there who will be thinking about nothing but you and your comfort. Who you know will do exactly what you want, and pass on your wishes to the medical staff, even if you can't speak. Not someone who will flounce off when you are vulnerable, just as he has already done. If you want your mum there, she should be there. It is NOT about him.

He does not treat you as an equal. If you question his judgement he calls you a spoilt brat. That is not a healthy dynamic at all.

When you have a newborn, you will not have any energy to spare for appeasing him. He seems to be all about me me me.

I think you need to think carefully about whether he is actually the man you think he is, kind, generous etc. from the outside, he certainly doesn't sound like it.

In your position I would concentrate on you and the baby and the last few weeks of being pregnant. Sleep as much as you can and look after himself. Don't go running after him

Please speak to your parents about this. Get someone on your side to help you stay strong when he is pushing.
And definitely get legal advice, but don't tell him you are doing so. Nor after until you are ready to act on it.
As much as you need to rest and look after yourself during these last weeks of pregnancy, I think you need to act on the house and finance situation urgently.

Jesus OP. He has been absolutely hideous to you.

There are a lot of wise, kind and well-informed people on the Relationships and Legal Matters boards here who will help you get through this, but I think you need to talk to your family as well (if they're generally ok people of course). You need all the support you can get.

You could marry this man. That would be one sure fire way of getting your 50% as everything, house, business, savings would be considered as a marital pot.

Divorce lawyers can stand up to him in a way you don't seem able too.

Probably not the most sensible idea ever but it would stop him harping on about 'his' money.

Holy shit. Ignore my previous comment earlier. I agree with most people on here that you are being totally fleeced by this man.

This for me from another post sums it up:

"He said all this so he could keep all the money. This is the ultimate in control. How much did he "give" you for your business? He said you've had "thousands", have you had £125,000 (your half)?

He stole your money. If the car cost £10k, he stole £115k from you. How are you not livid?!"

Speak to a solicitor ASAP and don't give him another penny. Confide in someone you trust so they can help you.

I'm so sorry you are going through this whilst pregnant.

OP, I have nothing to add to the excellent advice that you've had here, except to echo the other posters who have urged you to get RL support.

Your baby needs you to get assertive and protect both of your futures. Good luck

Marrying him is a terrible idea, maccie. She can get legal advice now without having to marry him and get a divorce! Ridiculous!

Thanks ladies. Yes I have a lovely family, my mum is my rock and I should speak things through with her really. I just don't want ppl to think I've failed. I worked really hard through university got a really good degree and have since worked really hard on my business which is not making any money but I'm still determined for it to take off and make me money I'm ploughing my life in to it. I just don't want people to think I've failed at things such as a relationship and a career. I want people to think she's doing well for herself.