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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Upset and angry at partners comment

135 replies

louisejanep · 19/05/2015 13:32

Hi ladies, i feel so upset and hurt but don't want to turn to anybody so thought I would write this on here just to get it off my chest. I am 33 +2 and my partner and I are expecting our first baby together. He's building us a house to live in but won't be ready until a few months after baby is born, so at the moment I'm still living with my parents and so is he.

When were together were the best of friends, we are so close and I'm really happy. However at the weekend we decided to pick the baby's pram, the one I like is a little more expensive but more practical than the one he wants. So to cut a long story short we began arguing over the pram (petty I know) then last night I told him, I'm the one having to sell my car for the new baby (sports car and need to downgrade for money) baby's taking his second name, he's picked the cot, won't let me have the baby name I love, he's chose where to live and then I said to him and your the reason I am not going to have my mum as a birth partner because even though I want her there he feels uncomfortable about it. So I've been absolutely fine over it and said I don't want you to feel uncomfortable so I will just have you as my birth partner. So I said just let me get the pram I want.

As soon as I said last night about the birth partner thing he said have someone else as your birth partner then I'm not ased, so I said so your not turning up for the birth of your baby and he said go find someone else as your birth partner.

I am still in shock that he turned round and said that, it was all over text aswell making the situation ten times worse. He's been excited from day one, and I know he's highly stressed about a lot at the moment, but that comment has made me physically sick, angry and so upset. I don't want to get out of bed today because I feel really upset and hurt. I don't want to tell friends or family because I don't want it to make him look bad, because we normally r the best of friends. But I need to get it off my chest. I don't know what to think or do.

OP posts:

NameChange30 · 19/05/2015 15:06

"I know he will speak over me and start calling me a spoilt brat (even though I'm not)"

This is not normal, healthy or respectful. A good partner would listen, and would not respond by insulting you or dismissing your feelings.

NameChange30 · 19/05/2015 15:08

OP please read this article and keep looking out for the warning signs.

PterodactylTeaParty · 19/05/2015 15:09

I know he will say he hasent got time and he can't take time out of work at the moment

Well, tough. He needs to make time to talk to you, because this is really important. Not the pram itself, but the way the pram issue got handled. Once the baby comes you're both going to be tired and stressed, and you need to find a better way to handle disagreements as a couple now because it is only going to get harder as time goes on.

You can't raise a child with a man who wants his own way all the time and will throw a strop if he doesn't get it. (Well you can, but it'll be a bloody miserable experience.)

CrispyFern · 19/05/2015 15:10

I 100% think you need to have some sort of assertiveness training.

PterodactylTeaParty · 19/05/2015 15:13

Wait - he won't 'let' you get the pram even though you'd be paying for it? Wtf?

Either he has really strong feelings on prams (maybe concerned about a safety issue with that model or something?) or he has really strong feelings about wanting to be in control about everything in your relationship. And it sounds more like the second one to me, and that is not a good sign for your future happiness - or your baby's.

You deserve better than this, OP...

Oliversmumsarmy · 19/05/2015 15:18

Can I ask whose name is on the deeds of the land/house.

Original poster

louisejanep · 19/05/2015 15:26

Well The pram issue was just a silly little argument, I'm not bothered about that now, I'm just really hurt and angry by the fact it was so easy for him to say go find another birth partner, petty little arguments can be sorted. But it was that , that's really hurt me.

The house is all his, it will be in his name, even though I'm putting about £9,000 into it.

OP posts:

Original poster

louisejanep · 19/05/2015 15:28

And I use to be really assertive over things and have my say, but I just go along with things now for an easy life and we've had a good relationship. But I'm not prepared to have him making all the decisions, and he needs to understand that when I have a say, he can't get nasty and fall out with me for days. It's really hard though he's too strong headed.

OP posts:

NameChange30 · 19/05/2015 15:29

"The house is all his, it will be in his name, even though I'm putting about £9,000 into it."

Does your mother know that you're doing this?

I'm sorry to say it but I think it's a very bad idea. You are basically giving him £9k. You need to make sure the house is in both your names or that there is some kind of written agreement or record to say that you have contributed £9k.

I know you don't want to consider the possibility that you might split up one day, but if you did split up, and you had spent £9k on a house in his name, you would be very likely to lose every penny.

Original poster

louisejanep · 19/05/2015 15:33

No nobody knows. I just think that as he's putting so much of his money into the house and he's working on it solidly, (he doesn't have any income coming in, just using all the savings) to build us a family home, that I should be contributing in some way.

OP posts:

NameChange30 · 19/05/2015 15:33

"I use to be really assertive over things and have my say, but I just go along with things now for an easy life"

More alarm bells. He's not "strong headed", OP, he's controlling. He says hurtful things when you disagree with him so that you'll stop disagreeing with him. And it sounds like you've pretty much stopped already.

NameChange30 · 19/05/2015 15:34

If he is building a "family home" for the three of you, it should be in your name as well as his.

Original poster

louisejanep · 19/05/2015 15:39

I just don't know how to address any of this with him

OP posts:

Oliversmumsarmy · 19/05/2015 15:40

Stay clear of putting any money into his house. Personally I would not move into the house let alone invest any money into it until your name is 50/50 on the deeds.

Have you had such a good relationship because you have gone along with everything he has said. Think about 25 years from now. Children all grown up and he decides that you are no longer useful/beautiful and asking too many questions and you could be out without a penny.

Reading through I don't know if any one else is picking up red flags here.

I am shocked that he gets to pick out the baby name. That in my eyes is a joint decision.

Think about the song and dance he is making about getting his own way over a pram he isn't even paying for.

NameChange30 · 19/05/2015 15:42

"Reading through I don't know if any one else is picking up red flags here."

Have you read any of my posts?!

NerrSnerr · 19/05/2015 15:44

You need to talk about the house now- especially as you're not married. Why not just tell him that you'll book the appointment with the solicitor to discuss the legalities. Have you ever live together? What about when the baby arrives? Will you join finances?

Cherryapple1 · 19/05/2015 15:45

I would be very careful about putting your money into his house if you are not married. I would also be calling the baby what you want to call it - including giving it your own surname. He sounds like a bully the moment he doesn't get his own way.

LottyJ81 · 19/05/2015 15:47

You say 'then I said to him and your the reason I am not going to have my mum as a birth partner because even though I want her there he feels uncomfortable about it'. Can I clarify whether you wanted your mum there as an additional birth partner... not instead of him?

I do agree with most comments on here about your partner coming across as controlling, and not making time to talk to you is not acceptable. But if he feels that you would rather your mum there than him, that could be very hurtful.

misssmilla1 · 19/05/2015 15:49

The house is all his, it will be in his name, even though I'm putting about £9,000 into it.

Have you discussed why this is - i.e. why it won't be in your name too? This would be raising a huge flag for me. If you're not married it's really easy to draw up a simple contract with a solicitor that is legally binding that documents who puts in what money, in the event (unlikely or otherwise) that you split up, and details who would get what as a result. I did this with an ex-partner when we bought a house together.

We documented who put what in, who was paying what % of the mortgage, and as a result who would get what / would have to pay the other, in case we split. We split two years later but it was all v civil when it came to who owed who cash.

Oliversmumsarmy · 19/05/2015 15:50

I just don't know how to address any of this with him

I think you need to start by saying you are buying the pram you want, you both should come to a joint decision about the babies name and if he starts about building a family home then point out it is not and never will be your home if you don't have your name jointly on the deeds.

The reaction you get from him will speak volumes about how he will treat you in years to come.

A family friend years ago moved into a house bought solely by her dh just after she was married. She was upset that he had gone behind her back and bought the house but she was young and didn't realise the implications until many years later when she found herself living in the same house as the husband and his new girlfriend. His attitude was if she didn't like it she could always just leave.

Original poster

louisejanep · 19/05/2015 15:52

Hi Emma yes I have read through all your posts and taken onboard your advice.

Well he wS paying for the pram and he wanted to pay for it. But I said I will pay the difference to get the pram I want.

I haven't said he can have choice of the baby's name, but the name I really want he hates. So I've tried to compromise and say we will both agree on a name we both like. And then the other day he said well if your choosing the pram I'm choosing the baby's name.

Yes I do worry that if we ever split up I would be left with nothing. The only reason I would have money to put into the house is through the sale of my car, I'm totally broke with running my own business at the moment.

No we probably wouldn't join finances once the baby was here, we would just pay separately for things, although he's got a lot more money than me so it would be him paying the majority of things until my business makes me some money.

OP posts:

NameChange30 · 19/05/2015 15:53

Oliversmumsarmy But your friend was married which meant that she did have more rights than an unmarried partner. She could have divorced him and would have been entitled to some of the assets surely?

NameChange30 · 19/05/2015 15:55

Hi OP, when I was asking about reading my posts I was actually asking Oliversmumsarmy, not you - sorry if that wasn't clear! Thank you for reading, hope the advice has been useful.

Original poster

louisejanep · 19/05/2015 15:59

Hi Lotty, no I didn't say I didn't want him there, course I want him there. A while ago I thought it would be nice to have my mum as an additional person there, but he feels uncomfortable with anyone else there, so I compromised and said ok I will just have you.

OP posts:

GilbertBlytheWouldGetIt · 19/05/2015 16:00

Choosing the pram is hardly equivalent to naming the baby.

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