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Original poster

Why can't people just say congratulations?

95 replies

AbbeyRoadCrossing · 17/05/2015 21:08

Ok, so it's my second DC so I realise it's not as exciting. Also I'm having a small age gap of 13 months so people aren't expecting it. But I've only told a few people so far and have had some weird reactions:
Parents "girl or boy?" Me "don't know yet" everyone goes quiet then start talking about plants in the garden. They've not asked about due date or anything
Good friend "you should've waited a year"
I've also had a few "are you mad?" but I expected that to be honest so don't mind so much

As lovely as you all are having all the congratulations from internet strangers isn't quite the same.
Anyone else having weird reactions?

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gatlinout · 17/05/2015 21:11

I had a bit of this with my 2nd as well.

Almost like people were a bit 'off' with me. Like because they weren't expecting it they were put out at being told it.

I've got 22mo between mine so a bigger gap but still fairly small, I put it down to that.

Also got a lot of the girl/boy thing and "ooh maybe it's a boy this time, hopefully etc etc" no, it's another girl and we know that and are very happy about it so keep your twatty comments to yourself.

You're right, the only correct answer is congratulations.

Congratulations btw!

Steph1502 · 17/05/2015 21:12

Uuuugghhhh... Yes!! I have a steady 4 years between all my kids. After DD3 my husband and I unfortunately separated and I'm now with a new partner. After 2 years of being together we moved in and a week later we conceived. I'm now 14 weeks and I've had a lot of congrats but family are mostly: how do you feel about it? What are the girls saying? And all these concerned looks... I just wish everyone would be happy for us. I understand some people are concerned as its a big step for us especially as he is a new partner but at the end of the day we are happy and so should everyone else be IMO. You're not alone x

Steph1502 · 17/05/2015 21:16

And gatlinout you're so right about the boy thing. With 3 girls already all I hear is: aw I hope it's a boy this time. Are you hoping for a boy? No I'm not I just want a healthy happy baby thanks and won't be disappointed either way! Also been told that someone is praying for a boy for me!! Lol x

Original poster
AbbeyRoadCrossing · 17/05/2015 21:16

Thanks gatlinout
Yes they do seem a bit off about it you're right. When I had that reaction from my cousin I did wonder if it was TTC issues perhaps. But now it's quite a few people and so I don't think it's that with all of them, especially not those in their 70s!

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Original poster
AbbeyRoadCrossing · 17/05/2015 21:18

Steph yes concerned looks, I get those too. I mean I'm 34 ffs! Not that you have to be a certain age, but I'm not 14 and at school

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scarednoob · 17/05/2015 21:20

We're not married. So far I think 10 people have asked me if it was "planned". I'm 37 FFS!

How is that an ok question to ask? Basically, "did you forget to use a condom?"!!

Penfold007 · 17/05/2015 21:22

Congratulations Flowers what lovely news

Steph1502 · 17/05/2015 21:24

I've been asked the planned question too.... Eh?? What business is that of yours?? Lol

Whatabout · 17/05/2015 21:27

I think they probably look at your 28?Week old baby and that prompts it! I couldn't imagine having a 7 month old baby and brjng three months pregnant. I think that would prompt the surprise in me, not intentionally rude just surprise. I'd offer congratulations but just remembering the early months and imagining having morning sickness etc through them would be taking up my mind!

Congratulations.

Steph1502 · 17/05/2015 21:27

abbey I'm the same. I think the family all still look at me as the baby. I am 30 and a mother of 3. I think I know what I'm doing now... I think haha

wannaBe · 17/05/2015 21:28

Tbh I think that in many situations people often don't know what to say. Most people would assume that e.g. a thirteen month gap or a baby conceived within a week of moving in together most likely wasn't planned and so it's impossible to know whether congratulations really are appropriate or not.

It's probably best to just say nothing tbh but even that would most likely not go down well. but for people I know who have had babies close together congratulations have generally been met with "well it wasn't planned," leaving me thinking that they themselves probably aren't overjoyed at the prospect.

willbillycome · 17/05/2015 21:28

Congratulations!

With me it was strangers reactions. You get the excited 'ooh is it your first?' and when I said "no, number 1 is over there/with her dad" the excitement disappears. One person actually just said "oh" and walked away.

Steph1502 · 17/05/2015 21:34

IMO.... All babies, whether planned or not, are a cause for celebration and congrats. It's a new life at the end of the day. I'm overjoyed to be pregnant again and have shown this when announcing it to ppl. I find it disheartening tbh when folk ask the questions as it feels like they are trying to rain on my parade a bit. I know it's unintentional but it still gets me down. Don't know what anyone else feels like but that's defo my take on it xx

Original poster
AbbeyRoadCrossing · 17/05/2015 21:37

I did start with "we've got some good news" so they'd know I was happy about it but I guess it is a shock to many as DS is 8 months old.
Although if I was shocked into silence I'd like to think I'd say congratulations later once it had sunk in perhaps
I got "was it planned" with DS though even though I was in my 30s and married. Not that anyone has to be older and married but I don't understand why that was the shock of the century given the circumstances!

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brokencrayons · 17/05/2015 21:45

Congratulations sweetie.i know exactly how you feel. With my 2nd ( 15 month age gap) I had lots of "are you mad" " it's going to be hectic" etc.. It's hurtful because this pregnancy is just as precious and exciting as your first and all you want is for people to be happy for you :(

CandOdad · 17/05/2015 21:54

We have a ten month gap, my MIL's reaction? How the hell will you cope? You will have to get rid of it!

She is a wonderful woman at all other times but that sits in my mind every time she tells him how much she loves him and he gives huge cuddles.

Alwayswiththechords · 17/05/2015 21:54

I'm sorry op and all others, I'm afraid I'm one of these people who would just say 'Are you mad?', not because I'm not excited or happy for the parents but because I personally couldn't cope with 2 (or more?) little ones with a short age gap. I try to catch myself doing it and say congratulations and express my joy for them but often my very first reaction to people having a second etc child is one of disbelief. But like I said it says more about me than the parents or their choices.

serin · 17/05/2015 21:54

Congratulations!

CandOdad · 17/05/2015 21:55

And CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!!!!

Emjones88 · 17/05/2015 21:55

All close friends and family have been over the moon, expected reaction as baby was much wanted. Ended up randomly telling a couple I was chatting to at a party Friday (was eating ALOT, yawning ALOT and they were talking about finally making their decision to maybe try) for the woman to react with " oh right, are you still with the farther?" .......Hmm

Emjones88 · 17/05/2015 21:59

Addition:
My mate looked at her with disbelief and pointed out I'm married to him! Lol

Original poster
AbbeyRoadCrossing · 17/05/2015 22:05

I actually don't mind the "are you mad" too much as I often think perhaps we are and at least it's honest. It's more the shuffling off and talking about the weather I don't know how to deal with.
I forgot to say in my original post but I was told it would be very difficult to conceive again after DS's birth as there was damage to me. So we thought it might take years or maybe never. So it is a bit of a shock to my close friends and family (myself included but a welcome one, we were sort of trying but didn't expect anything) but they knew I wanted more than 1 DC if I was able so should conclude I'd be happy

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Roseybee10 · 17/05/2015 22:09

Congratulations xx

I got this a lot with dd2. It was a bit earlier than we planned but we were over the moon as we had such a horrible time trying to conceive dd1.
We barely had any congratulations from people out with immediate family and no one was that fussed when she was born either.
No one really asked how I was during pregnancy this time either.

hideandseekpig · 17/05/2015 22:18

A lady who goes to a toddler group I go to was telling some people about being pregnant with number 3 and I was Shock at the responses she was getting from people some of which I'm sure she barely knew ! They were:
"It's your third? You're mad!"
"Was it planned?"
"Well you already have one of each"

I waited until she was getting a cup of tea and went and said congratulations and asked her a few normal questions (I least I hope the were!) like how she was feeling and when she was due...

People are so nosy and so tactless sometimes. I'm thinking about ttc number 2 soon and am already thinking who is going to say what but I don't care! My mil asked me if my dd was planned even though I am 27 and married and am completely settled. I was quite offended at the time but I won't be bothered by what she says this time, she is over the moon being a grandma so I know it's just her asking silly questions and no harm meant!

Anyway long post sorry but wanted you to know you're not alone and most importantly : congratulations on your pregnancy Flowers

ARV1981 · 17/05/2015 22:34

I'm pregnant with my first and have had the "was it planned" comment a lot... I'm 34, happily married and frankly even if I wasn't it's no one's damn business either way!

My juvenile manager said 'ARV had sex!' - as though that was appropriate! I gave her a look and she shut up, stupid cow!

As for weird reactions to second pregnancies... obviously I can't comment for myself, but apparently my grandmother told my mum to abort me and my twin because she didn't think mum would be able to cope with 3 little ones at once - my older sister is 18 months older than us so small age gap. As for being a child with siblings close in age goes, I think its brilliant! We're really close as adults and were as children too - had our moments as teenagers but all in all a very happy loving relationship.

Congratulations on your pregnancy - first, second, third... etc they're all wonderful. Flowers