Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

Why can't people just say congratulations?

95 replies

AbbeyRoadCrossing · 17/05/2015 21:08

Ok, so it's my second DC so I realise it's not as exciting. Also I'm having a small age gap of 13 months so people aren't expecting it. But I've only told a few people so far and have had some weird reactions:
Parents "girl or boy?" Me "don't know yet" everyone goes quiet then start talking about plants in the garden. They've not asked about due date or anything
Good friend "you should've waited a year"
I've also had a few "are you mad?" but I expected that to be honest so don't mind so much

As lovely as you all are having all the congratulations from internet strangers isn't quite the same.
Anyone else having weird reactions?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

CheekyWeeGandT · 18/05/2015 11:57

I think it's the odd reaction from your own family or close friends that is most upsetting, OP.

One my my family members told me that I wasn't mother material and I'd not be any good as a mum. It sort of defies belief that anyone thinks it is ok to say that!
Congratulations to you, btw - happy news!

Allwayslookingforanswers · 18/05/2015 12:12

My friend got "I thought that you were too old to be having babies, sigh, I do really wish that your brother would settle down".

My friend was understandably upset by this reaction.

OhGood · 18/05/2015 12:17

I didn't have any shockers but have unfortunately been a shocker myself.

I knew this couple a bit, and knew they'd had a really rocky time - been separated on and off, he's a philandering bastard, and she'd now also been seeing someone on the side. So when she told me she was pregnant:

I was totally shocked
I turned to him and MEANT to say 'Congratulations!!!' but it came out as 'Congratulations?' with full 'Is it yours?' implication written all over my tone of voice.

Horrors, I still cringe.

karmagetsyou · 18/05/2015 12:19

Who's the Father

OhGood · 18/05/2015 12:21

He's definitely the father, and they are now happily married...and no, we are not really in touch any more!

NotAJammyDodger · 18/05/2015 13:23

My MIL went silent and then said "oh, well dear" . I was 37yrs old, married for 10yrs and we had been TTC for 5yrs...

minimalisthoarder · 18/05/2015 14:08

congratulations! people are word and judgey. ask if you'll have them, disapprove when you do or don't, of they're planned or you're happy (who's going to say no?!), expect a certain number and number of boys/girls... butt out people!

From my dear mother, I did get congratulations first. Then rapidly on to, you are three months aren't you, I couldn't bear it if you told me earlier then lost it, I'd be so upset, that's what your brother and SIL did to me and I was devastated.

I was past 13 weeks, and had actually had a miscarriage previously and hadn't told her, no way I could have asked her for support. I'd seen what she was like with poor DB and SIL. It's not all about you love!

Ragwort · 18/05/2015 14:38

Tend to agree with Always - I have to bite my tongue and just say 'congratulations' and nothing else but I could never, ever have had a second child and I often wonder why so many people do have more than one child. . Someone I know vaguely just announced her third pregnancy and in all honesty I find it hard to congratulate her, she openly acknowledges she is struggling financially (really badly, not just having to 'cut back' on a few things) and I can't understand why she would want to bring a third child into an already difficult situation.

Twicethehugs · 18/05/2015 14:53

I have twins so had quite extreme reactions from envy to horror with some "Are they natural?" questions thrown in too.

Totality22 · 18/05/2015 14:54

People seem to lose all sense of decency when it comes to pregnancy.

I got asked all sorts with DC1 (Was it planned? Were we getting married? Had it taken long get pregnant? - all from people I would consider relative strangers)

It was even worse with DC2. When I told my HR person she said "oh lovely, but wow you didn't wait long - you've only been back 6 months". To which I pointed out I wasn't going on ML immediately!!

It gets worse I'm afraid. Strangers telling you how big / small you are was my particular pet hate!

Ia m a private person so feeling so "on show" was something I didn't enjoy about pregnancy!

Original poster

AbbeyRoadCrossing · 18/05/2015 14:57

SelfLoathing they are my parents so I assumed we were close and they are way too old to be TTC (70s). They'd been asking when we'd have another so I'd assumed they'd be happy / interested.

It's good to know its a fairly normal reaction though and I'm not alone, so thank you. Me and DH are 2nd and 3rd children so now I know we must've been boring too haha

OP posts:

MrsDeVere · 18/05/2015 15:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Narrowdog · 18/05/2015 15:30

It's reassuring to hear that it isn't all high-fiving and congratulations! On telling my DSister that we were trying for no 2 all I got was 'all the best'. DM said 'Hmmmphh, I'd rethink that, it's hard work with two'.

Sigh.

Steph1502 · 18/05/2015 15:32

totality soooooo true!! People are so pass remarkable when you're pregnant... 'You're massive' 'is it twins?' Also, when they ask if you've any baby names picked and they turn their nose up at it.... Erm..,, thanks for tht! We stopped telling folk the names we liked because folk speak without thinking.

Original poster

AbbeyRoadCrossing · 18/05/2015 15:39

MrsDeVere for your DD. How awful people can be. I'm lucky to have not been through it but my friend who lost her DS has people telling her she should try for another boy so she can be a mum again. Honestly, I'm unsure of the right thing to say sometimes but I knew not to say that!

OP posts:

Miffytastic · 18/05/2015 15:55

Told MIL she said "well there's no right time is there?" (we'd been TTC for 9 months, married for 4 years, I'd just turned 30...)

Original poster

AbbeyRoadCrossing · 18/05/2015 16:13

Just read through some of the responses. I've only told my parents and a couple of others - I'm 17 weeks so kind of have to tell family before it's obvious. And I'm not expecting anyone to jump out of a cake or anything, just "when are you due" or something like that.
As for not approving of my circumstances, we're married (not that I think it matters) can afford it, have been with DH 15 years and have a house and full time jobs, my family like him (unless they've hidden it for over a decade!) And they adore DS
Dreading telling DH's parents next week now. The thing is you can't really not tell close family can you as it becomes rather obvious soon enough!

OP posts:

dayslikethis · 18/05/2015 16:20

The one that sticks in my head with my 1st pregnancy was "oh yes, I had guessed - you've looked awful for months". That was nearly 11 years ago now and I still remember the horror I felt - I was horrendously sick with all my pregnancies but I had tried so hard to hide it and I just felt like a total failure at that point.

With my 2nd I don't think I got anything particularly negative, but with my 3rd all hell broke loose! My 3rd turned out to be 3&4 and yes, it was a shock, but once we got over the initial shock of it we were OK and we were happy about it. I got every negative thing you could possible think of said to me, as well as a lot of very personal questions from complete strangers...

"Was it a natural conception?"
"Do you have twins in your family?" (My answer: no) "oh dear, so you really have no clue how bad this is going to be then"
"How on earth will you cope?"
"Your life is going to be awful!"
etc... etc...

I think the 2 that stick out more than any though were...

"oh my goodness! You're going to be huge!" followed by loud laughter. No congratulations, no nothing - just a horrified comment about how big I was going to be! (I wasn't actually and I wish I was still in contact with that ridiculously shallow person at the end of my pregnancy when I walked into the hospital in my own jeans!)

"That is the best contraceptive advice I have ever heard" - this actually came from a very good friend, who only has 1 child and this probably hurt me more than anything else. I know that the idea of twins does put some people off trying for a 2nd or a 3rd, but it was just so hurtful and I've never forgotten it.

edmontonkitty · 18/05/2015 16:49

The response from my mother regarding my first pregnancy (and her first grandchild) was: "I wish you hadn't told me, you might lose it and then I'd be upset."
I didn't bother telling her about subsequent pregnancies.

BeCool · 18/05/2015 16:55

Female doctor - "Do you want to keep it?"

I was 40, no children and this was the first response I got from telling anyone I was PG :(

AuntieDee · 18/05/2015 17:06

I'm 37 and first pregnancy and the number of people who's first response is 'was it planned?' Is crazy. The best one was a girl at work though, I was telling people as I work in a lab and didn't want it to be awkward for anyone when my bloods came in. I simply said 'just letting you know I'm expecting so if you see my bloods you will know it's not a secret' and her response was 'Oh' and then she walked off. Charming...

GuybrushThreepwoodMP · 18/05/2015 17:35

I've had 'was it planned?' a lot with my first. This time as I'm having twins, I get 'was it IVF?' which seems like a bizarre question, especially when it's someone you hardly know!

vodkanchocolate · 18/05/2015 17:58

I just had to comment when saw this.

Ill never forget the time my mum found out I was pregnant with eldest I was 21 and working but lived at mums still, was in a relationship but he ended it pretty much after found out. Her first words were you stupid cow!! Totally lost any respect for her after that comment a bit of support wouldnt of gone a miss was already in bits. Although to be fair she was fab after the birth and couldnt of done it without her.

With my son again got called stupid as she didnt like my husband (then bf was sure he was gonna break my heart). Husbands dad was pretty arsey aswell was sure he was going to make a mess of things after a rocky start to our relationship.

With my 3rd everyone seemed happy until we found out it was twins then everyone worried about coping.

With 4th pregnancy (5th child) Everyone was just really sarcy with us usua comments about starting a football team etc etc, also worries about coping with 5 children and one with sn.

Will always be the first comment from my mum that stands out though

MrsDeVere · 18/05/2015 17:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Momagain1 · 18/05/2015 18:48

*But because we aren't married somehow our relationship is seen as less legitimate.

Really fucks me off tbh. We will get married at some point but we've been saving for a deposit for a house for the last three years and that is more important to both of us than a party*

If you want the respect of being married, that is cheaply bought, license costs about as much as dinner out, no party rquired.

Though, if they are that hung up on it, I expect your marrying this late in the game will always count against you. As will not having a party.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Swipe left for the next trending thread