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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Why can't people just say congratulations?

95 replies

AbbeyRoadCrossing · 17/05/2015 21:08

Ok, so it's my second DC so I realise it's not as exciting. Also I'm having a small age gap of 13 months so people aren't expecting it. But I've only told a few people so far and have had some weird reactions:
Parents "girl or boy?" Me "don't know yet" everyone goes quiet then start talking about plants in the garden. They've not asked about due date or anything
Good friend "you should've waited a year"
I've also had a few "are you mad?" but I expected that to be honest so don't mind so much

As lovely as you all are having all the congratulations from internet strangers isn't quite the same.
Anyone else having weird reactions?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

OutwiththeOutCrowd · 17/05/2015 22:50

Me: I'm pregnant!
DP: I thought you must be - you've been puking enough!

Momagain1 · 17/05/2015 22:51

Tbh I think that in many situations people often don't know what to say. Most people would assume that e.g. a thirteen month gap or a baby conceived within a week of moving in together most likely wasn't planned and so it's impossible to know whether congratulations really are appropriate or not.

In this day and age, and this modern country, if someone is telling you they are pregnant, you can pretty much assume that congratulations ARE appropriate. If they werent pleased to find themselves pregnant, it is very easily dealt with and becomes a non-happening. If they arent inclined to terminate, I would assume they are pleased to accept God's will. Or at any rate, unlikely to say much against it. Either way, congratulations are in order.

trufflesnout · 17/05/2015 23:01

I see your point momagain and I agree but I do think it's a bit much to expect people not to be surprised

Steph1502 · 17/05/2015 23:16

momagain1 well said

Dreamcatcher1980 · 17/05/2015 23:19

Response to my DP from his best mate was "Huh, well I suppose if that's what you want" and walked off in a huff. Weeks later mate asked him "has dreamcatcher fell out with me?" and when told yes he asked "why, what did I say or do!! "
He still cant see anything wrong with his response. We are guessing that he doesn't approve as we aren't married yet.

spillyobeans · 17/05/2015 23:44

Why are people so rude

CantStopEatingCheese · 17/05/2015 23:54

When me and DH announced to my parents that we were expecting our 2nd DC (18 month gap so DC1 was still very young) my mum's only comment was "won't DC1 be jealous?" There was then a brief discussion about the age gap between me and my brother (17 months so similar to my two). And that was it. No congratulations, no questions about how I'm feeling...and then in every phone conversation during my pregnancy she told me about various examples of her friends grandchildren where the eldest was jealous/clingy when they had a brother/sister. Was never sure whether she was trying to warn me, whether she disapproved of my choice to have a 2nd child or what.

Sapat · 18/05/2015 00:04

With my first people assumed it was unplanned since we weren't married. I felt I had to explain that we had been trying for a couple of years and had had to resort to fertility treatment. I was surprised because I was 29, been with my partner for 10 years and we had just bought a house and we both had good stable jobs so I really didn't see why people assumed it was unplanned. With my second, it was expected and barely got noticed. But with my third, I got the whole lot again, was it planned (yes), are you crazy, but you already have one of each (that seemed to really puzzle people, 3rds, it seems, are only ever a last ditch attempt to acquire a baby of a different sex. There really is no need if you already have both flavours at home).

Congratulations anyway!!!

SelfLoathing · 18/05/2015 02:52

Anyone else having weird reactions?

Sounds like you are classing anything other than people falling over themselves to congratulate you as "weird". Few things about that: -

unless they are close family/friends - really no one cares. Well done. You had sex and got pregnant. People have been doing it for centuries. It's not actually an achievement; it's a near inevitable biological consequence.

many people may be jealous. trying for their own and failing. haters.

depends who you are talking to. many people (not unreasonably) conclude that its really not in the best interests of their best friend/daughter/sister to even be with this particular man let alone bearing his children. So there may be that element. This is very difficult because if you know the person close to you has chosen this abusive twat/ unfaithful shagmeister that you can't tell her about/ layabout cocklodger who's living off her as a partner and the ship has sailed, there is little point in repeating what you've said before. At the same time you know she's happy but you can see that armageddon is coming. You can't quiet fake "congratulations" in fully happy mode and the best that can be mustered is politeness. So the "weird" reaction may just be a reflection of that.

MommaBear1 · 18/05/2015 04:01

Im at the opposite end of age gaps between my kids and find peoples usual reaction is one of shock rather than Congratulations, and Ive hardly told anyone the news yet!

parsnipbob · 18/05/2015 06:02

Not announced yet as only just found out but expecting weird reactions from PIL. They are funny about the fact DP and I are not married. His brother's kids don't call me 'auntie' for that reason despite the fact that we have been together for longer than his bro and SIL have! But because we aren't married somehow our relationship is seen as less legitimate.

Really fucks me off tbh. We will get married at some point but we've been saving for a deposit for a house for the last three years and that is more important to both of us than a party

rebbles · 18/05/2015 06:55

Know how you feel !! So shocked with the was it planned questions and are you going to find out if it's a boy or girl, do you have any names? It's like stop asking me the same question everyone!!!!

Lilipot15 · 18/05/2015 07:11

Congratulations!

People say stupid things without thinking. I was shocked when a colleague I barely knew asked me if my first pregnancy was planned - so shocked I actually tried to give her an answer instead of ignoring a rude question.

With this pregnancy, those with a small age gap themselves are invariably positive and encouraging, those who have bigger age gaps are far more likely to scaremonger, ask me if I'm mad, etc.

GlitzAndGigglesx · 18/05/2015 07:18

People have actually asked me if I'm happy about it . We were ttc for a short period not that it's relevant to anyone else so the pregnancy was actually planned! I think due to my age (22) people were expecting me to either wait 10 years or have no more (have a 4yo). My colleagues have actually been more supportive than some of those close to me

Clobbered · 18/05/2015 07:20

11 month gap here, it's always been great. Ignore the stupid reactions, a lot of people suffering from foot in mouth disease. Congratulations!

imwithspud · 18/05/2015 07:57

There will be a 2.5 year age gap between dc1 and 2. When I told a friend I was pregnant with number 2, her reaction was "how??" I knew exactly what she was implying but I decided to play dumb and give a sarcastic answer "well we had sex and would you believe it, this is the result!". She then replied with "lol I know but weren't you using anything?". Needless to say she's barely bothered with me since and probably doesn't even realise that my due date is tomorrow.

Seriously annoys me. Even if you don't care or 'approve', it's not hard to just say "congratulations" and be done with it.

motherofstudents · 18/05/2015 09:13

When I was heavily pregnant with my third son, I was shopping in M and S and had my 17 month and 35 month old boys in the double trolley. The assistant asked if I knew the sex of the next one and I said it was a boy. She almost screamed in despair and went on and on about how awful for me and what a shame and a disappointment and was I going to try again? My utterly gorgeous toddler and young son were sitting listening to her. M and S lost a customer that day. Today I'd have called her manager but I was young and very hormonal and went home and cried my eyes out.

When we told my MIL we were expecting her first grandchild there was a long pause and then 'Hmmm. Well (OH) you do realise the child may not be as intelligent as you, I hope.'

Oh these dreadful DILs who muddy the purity of the sacred MIL gene pools. Hangs head in shame and slinks out.

plipplops · 18/05/2015 09:40

Congratulations!! When I called and told my mum I was pg with DD1 she said "That's lovely dear, I have to go now as I need a shower as someone's taking me out to dinner..." I think she struggled with it a bit as my dad had died a few years previously and she always expected to be a grandparent with him (and he'd have loved it ), so even now 8 years later she sometimes finds it hard.

tindel · 18/05/2015 09:52

parsnipbob the same thing happened to me. As DH and I weren't married when his sister's kids were born, we were referred to as Uncle MrTindel and Tindel by MIL - way to make me feel excluded! I still remember the glare MIL gave SIL when she referred to me as Auntie Tindel and I took perverse pleasure in signing all cards and presents to them from Auntie Tindel.

As it happens, my niece and nephew don't really bother with titles so DH and I are just MrTindel and Tindel to them. The way I see it, they love us and the bond we have means more to me than any title.

As for weird reactions, MIL turning to DH and saying 'I suppose this is your doing?' was my worst. We've been together for more than 10 years and got married last year, who else was it going to be? Really regret not giving her an earful over that one

LongDayAlready · 18/05/2015 10:12

I recently announced I was expecting DC4. Think my favourite response was 'Have you never heard of contraception'?

Also, as I'm ancient, pretty much everyone has assumed it wasn't planned and been quite happy to ask me to confirm this. As it happens it wasn't, but I would never dream of asking anyone else.

On the plus side, the DC are delighted and frankly theirs are the only opinions that count.

Bah!

crazypuglady · 18/05/2015 10:15

Congratulations!

We've had a few "we thought you'd wait till you're older" comments. We're 26, been together over 10 years and married for 18 months. Even more amusing that some of these have come from people who only 6 months ago were asking "when do you think you'll be having a baby?" Pick your perspective people!

QuizteamBleakley · 18/05/2015 10:25

Same kind of thing here, OP: we took then 4mo DS1 to visit my parents and said "We've got some exciting news to tell you" My DF "As long as you're not pregnant again..."

DM: "You must be bloody mad. Why didn't you go on the Pill?"
Quizteam exits stage left...

squizita · 18/05/2015 10:36

I had "And have you revised your lifestyle since ... your losses..." They waited till no one was around to say this as if it was a brave and timely intervention.

The losses were NOT down to lifestyle of course, and the person knew they were down to a recurrent miscarriage blood condition.
Thanks for the fucking reminder.
Thanks for thinking I'm that dumb or crass that I might choose NOT to be healthy when pregnant after several losses.

SleepyDragon · 18/05/2015 11:51

We're telling people this weekend coming so i will let you know lol

We're expecting the following:

My parents - overjoyed and tears
His parents - shocked, they thought we didn't want kids, but happy
big sister - smug she will tell us she thought i was as i didn't eat an egg last week....
little sister - half happy half pissed off as she got married before us (depite the fact we are older and she hasn't been trying)

i never planned to tell anyone as i am only 5+4 but we all go on holidaty together next week and i am already having morning sickness etc so i can't get away with not drinking and being sick!

SleepyDragon · 18/05/2015 11:53

squizita i don't know how you didn't lamp them one in the face!!!!!

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