2nd time around

[Herb]

I am currently 7 months pregnant. We are really looking forward to No 2 arrival. In particular both my friend (who is 6 months pregnant)& I am getting fed up with being refered to as huge - if you are talking to a pregnant Mum are a Toddler group or activity, try having a little tact!

I agree with you Midge.I haven't read all of the book because I found the chapter on returning to work after 2 children (basically she tells you you will never do it!) and the physical impact of a 2nd pregnancy so unbelievably negative that I just didn't want to read anymore.

Well Bugsy,I did not find it easy and it took about 8 months before I felt I was coping with two. The only thing I can recommend you hang on to is that it will get easier, even if you don't believe anyone who tells you this! I remember when my dd was about 14 months (ds is 2 years older) and they were both sitting at a little table eating a bowl of fruit together and I felt as if I had finally made it through the tunnel. (of course they are still many days when I don't feel that way!). Bedtime is the hardest, especially if you don't have another adult there then - I remember lots of times watching the toddler in the bath and getting him into pjs and reading him stories, all while breastfeeding the baby - absolutely knackering. Maybe the sock, hairbrush book isn't useful, because there are no easy solutions for anyone..Top tip is get your partner home by 6 pm everyday - but how easy is that?

Tlb, don't worry! I had the "oh no what have we done - maybe we should have just gotten a cat" feeling throughout the pregnancy. Now that the boy is out and 4 weeks old, everything has come together. I love both my guys to bits. To echo Chairmum -- you'll have enough love for any and all children you have.

Re: the shoes, sock and hairbrush book. It scared me silly, but helped because I hadn't thought about anything. Not sure why people say it's funny, though!

Unfortunately, I don't have any suggestions for surviving two. Maybe simply don't be afraid to let things slide? I've found out that even skipping bathtime two nights in row doesn't permanently harm my son.

Bugsy, there's reams I could say on coping with 2, but I wouldn't know where to start!

On bathtime/bedtime with 2: yes, this was hard initially, but try and remember that it really doesn't last too long before you can get no. 2 into the same routine as no. 1. As soon as I possibly could I started bathing them together (which both loved and still do), and certainly by the time dd was 9 months they were on the same routine (as they share a room this was v. important).

Despite having a 2-year-old at the same time as a new baby, I actually found no.2 far easier than no.1. I think this was because I knew when to ignore her! This sounds awful, but what I mean is that when ds was tiny and cried, I jumped to it immediately and dropped everything. With dd, I knew when the cry was serious and when it just meant "I need to grizzle for a couple of minutes before I go to sleep". Also, with ds, if I was getting ready to go out and he needed feeding, I dropped everything, fed him, and was late. With dd, getting ds to toddlers so that he was entertained while I fed dd in peace was more important. With one child, I had trouble getting out of the house before 10.30, whereas with 2 I was always at toddlers by 9.30.

Also remember that baby no.2 has an older brother or sister to entertain them - certainly almost from the word 'go' my daughter has found her brother far more interesting than me, which has helped no end, and he loved (and still does) having an audience.

Joe - not had time to read all the posts but one caught my age about fathers' age. My husband is 56 and our son is only 2. Now that is 'old'!! I think any age above about 20 is old to an 8 or 11 year old. Don't worry about age - it is all in your attitude and what other people think is irrelevant anyway.

Azzie - you are SO right.
With 2 you are bond to be laid back.... you will do things as they come, you will wonder "why was I this tired when with 2 I am not more tired", you will realise "what a big deal" you made of the first one... and you will be (in a way) far more efficient !
The hair, socks,... book was not at all how I experienced things but I guess the author had to make it a bit extreme to make it "funny"....

Eulalia, yeah I know, Im 34 but mistaken for my late 20s all the time because of my attitude and energy. However, I do feel that if we dont go for no2 now I will feel too old mixed with doing lots of things that I havnt been able to do lately and not really wanting to put it all on hold again. We are trying will let you all know. Also if we go for it now if we do decide to have another we have time left.

I think sometimes leaving a longer gap between babies can make the decision to have another one harder as it means going back to sleepless nights etc. etc. when your body & mind has adjusted to having a life (and good nights sleep) again. On the otherhand, it does allow to devote more time to each child individually, especially if eldest is at school when next one arrives. As for age being important, it isn't really as you can be a good parent however old you are. It's totally knackering at any age! I had mine all close together in my 20s and am knackered all the time but it does get easier as they get older.

Joe - how old is your child? Good luck with trying to conceive. I am 36 and pregnant with no 2 but I really don't feel that old. My friend who is 29 and due with no 2 before me had a great deal more problems with her first pregnancy and she has varicous veins, high BP etc again this time round.

Regarding age gaps we've tried to go for the best of all worlds (is there such a thing?!) by not having ours too close together but not so far apart that they will play together. My son will be 2 3/4 when no 2 will be born. Even so it is still long enough to forget and I am somewhat daunted by the thought of going through all the newborn bit again. However I have enjoyed the time with my son - I just hope he isn't too used to it and isn't horrified when the next one appears. I am hoping he will be old enough to understand.

One advantage I see is that by the time No 2 is 4 months old, No 1 can go to nursery and so that means I can have time alone with No 2.

A disadvantage I do feel with spacing kids is a longer gap out of the job market. As I was effectively unemployed when I had the first one this is not an issue for me. I do think this may be an issue for some women though and they tend to have a couple of kids close together to get back to work again.

Eulalia, ds is 13 months. The timing is good for us dh career etc and i was thinking along the lines of ds still taking naps so I can sleep with him while pregnant and when baby born (that is assuming I fall as quickly as last time). I dont think any time is a good time, just when you feel it is right I suppose and it does.

good luck too, not long now (should of been on below but I got click happy)

Apologies for 'secretname' but as you will see it's very early days.....

I was diagnoesed(spellin?) very late (baby was 8 months)with PND after the birth of my 1st child last year. My lovely wonderul understanding doctor moved & the new doctor who took over was horrid & I stopped going for my appointments, which also meant Istopped taking the tablets after 2 months because I never returned for a prescription. I did get abit better but if I am honest I never really got 'out of the last stage of depression'. Ihave now discovered I am 7 weeks pregnant with my 2nd child and I have turned into an emotional heap! I'm so stressed out and keep crying and am so low I don't go out of the house for weeks! (I then feel worse and extremely guilty as my poor 1st child is suffering at lack of getting out - even though we play at loads of things in doors and are often having laughter sessions, if that makes sense).

I've been really worrying about the effect I'm having on my unborn child. I'm extremely weepy for days then immensley angry with people and keep snapping at my parents & have demanded a divorce from hubby about 10 times so far! I'm like a crazy person! Don't get me wrong, I am esastic about another baby but my moods are so outrageous it's scary.

I've been worrying about my 1st child suffering less love when no2 comes along, worrying how I'll cope, worryng my depression will get worse & that my babies will be taken away. I also am worrying because this pregnancy as much as it is wanted was a shock, I hadn't been taking folic acid, was smoking like a trooper and drinking (socially). As soon as I realised I was pregnant I started on the folic acid and managed to stop the fags a week later. I feel terrible that I'm letting this baby down and I feel so depressed but expectantly happy as well if that makes sense. I know no-one can do anything and it's up to me to pull myself out of this dark rut but I feel so alone, a 2 year old can't have a talk with me. Hubby hasn't spoken to me for 2 days since our last row (had my anger head on!). Not close enough emotionally to mother to even try and talk to her.

Do you think it's a hormone thing and will wear off as the pregnancy goes on? Or do I sound really bad that it could be more major & I'm cracking up?

I also am so TIRED IT IS UNBELIEVEABLE, was not this tired 1st time round and I'm sure it wasn't so early either!

Secret name, you do sound like you are depressed, but it is hard to tell if this is from your last pregnancy or this one.

If you have a look at the messages at the start of this thread you'll see that many of us preggers mums are/have suffered really bad tiredness and apathy second time around. It seems par for the course when you have a little one already running around tiring you out. I actually felt so depressed this summer,I just lay on the sofa for hours every day and my poor hyper toddler had to watch reruns of Bob the builder..again and again!! He clearly began to go off me, and preferred daddy but now at 5 months I am back to favourite, so don't worry about that!! Maybe take some vitamins or iron as has been suggested, and try and get some rest (rope in relatives?).I wish I had been more demanding of hubby and parents, but I blamed myself instead (typical woman!).

If you think you haven't got over the shock of your first babe, couldn't you talk to your midwife instead of your awful doctor? i'm sure they must have tons of experience of the effects of those bloody hormones!!!

Good luck, keep us posted.

dear secret name

I think as Lil said a lot of us felt exactly like you at the beginning of the pregnancy and I agree. I feel as though my poor daughter has got the worst of me recently although now at 17 weeks i feel tons better. I see homeopath regularly (sp?) and she gave me sepia 30c which is a very common remedy for this type of emotion in pregnancy. It makes you a little worse for the first day or so then after that you feel a lot better. Boots will sell their own or Nelson version of this remedy - take one a day for two possibly three days. If this doesn't help then speak to a homeopath as it may not be the right remedy. It will not harm you and sepia is also known to prevent early miscarriage. But only try this if you feel comfortable with homeopathy

Keep talking to people, don't feel too guilty - a lot of this is hormones - I too had PND very late so I have a good idea what you are going through - it does get better and this site really helped.

Don't be too hard on yourself you have 7 months + to let all those lovely positive feelings to develop.

Secret name

on another thread we have been talking about counselling and postnatal depression (on chats of the day today). Have you thought about that? May help you to come to terms with last bout of PND and help you get into a happier frame of mind. I know it is majorly hormone related, and counselling won't help that, but talking about it and working through issues can really make a difference.

On another note, I totally agree that a lack of vital vitamins and minerals may really be impacting upon your frame of mind and tiredness etc. (I am currently training to be a nutritionist). Try to take a really good brand of antenatal vits eg. Biocare Antenatal Forte or Solgar do one aswell which is good. Should be able to get it from your local health food store - if not there are a few companies that do it mail order - if you need the number then just ask and i'll dig it out.

Unfortunately with vits you really do get what you pay for. Don't worry about not taking folic acid - you were probably getting enough to tide you over for that short period anyway - its everywhere these days - breakfast cereals etc and fruits and veg.

The other thing is that if you have the right balance of vits and minerals then your hormones are less likely to go doolally aswell. Try also to limit your sugar intake, as this see-sawing of blood sugar will also make you doubly tired. I know, I know, pregnancy is just when you allow yourself to indulge in whatever you want to eat - but it just may make you feel better.

SecretName, there is a group that helps women with PND. It's at www.apni.org. Although it's many years since I needed them, it was wonderful to be able to talk with others going through the same thing.

Good luck.

I'll try again. Association for Postnatal Illness

Dear Secretname,

Please don't worry about your 1st child suffering less love when number 2 comes along. I remember worrying about the same thing when I was expecting my second child, as well as asking myself how I could possibly love a second child as much as I loved my first. But you know, its a miraculous thing - when number 2 came along, I just semed to have more love to give. Take care

Hi Secretname, the only bit I can really help with here is your tiredness. I was unbelievably exhausted at the beginning of this 2nd pregnancy until I started taking an iron supplement. I started taken Supradyn, which is an effervescent multi-vit and mineral supplement and after 3 days I felt so much better. I can't recommend it strongly enough. It is quite expensive but since I hit 14 weeks, I have only needed to take it every 3 days.
Good luck with everything.

We've been discussing having another baby and what really worries me is that I can't imagine feeling for the second baby what I feel for my first. I didn't want children at all before I got pregnant and then gradually came round to the idea when ds started kicking. Now I wouldn't be without him and am totally in love with him, it upsets to think about anything happening to him or me not being able to see him grow up (I'm sure this is the same as for all Mams). But I just can't get beyond that I would feel the same for another baby - especially if it was a girl as I've always felt if I were to have a baby then I would want a boy and luckily that was what I got. I think a lot of this is down to the fact that I'm an only child whereas dh has a sister. Does the first one miss out when the second one comes along? I don't know if I've got enough love and attention for another one. Does everyone have these worries when considering a second? Would appreciate your thoughts on this.

Selja, we are trying for no2 and if you look down this thread you will see that I have had and still do, all the feelings you are. BTW Hmonty, no news this month. There is lots of advice and feelings in reply to my questions, have a read and you will feel better.

Selja, this is scary - I couid have written this message. This is exactly how I feel, even down to the bit about really wanting a boy (I've never admitted this to anyone before as I felt rather bad about it). My son is 8 months old and I have suddenly become fixed on the idea that I should another baby as soon as possible. I must be mad, I have just gone back to work and have masses do in the next year. We are only just coping with childcare and it has taken me this long to get my act back together. I am also worried that I won't love a second child as much as my adored son and that he will miss out on our attention if I have another child whilst he is young. I'm sure there are no easy answers but it helps to know that others feel the same.

Selja,
When I was pregnant first time round I really wanted a boy (although I would never have admitted it to anyone). When my son was born I was secretly relieved. All through my second pregnancy I was convinced the baby was another boy. When dd was born my husband and I both thought the same thing - "A girl! What on earth do we do with one of those?" Two years down the line she's adorable, and we're really glad we've got one of each. I've even found myself enjoying buying her girly clothes! (I was always a real tomboy myself, and still am really.) Remember that any new baby will be a person first, then a boy or girl - you love them for who they are, not what they are. I'm sure that the strength of feeling you have for your son means that you will love another just as much.
As for the first one missing out, I was really worried about this, but ds is far happier now that he's not an only child. Obviously he doesn't get as much individual attention from us, but he gets loads of attention from his sibling and loves having a partner in crime! They share a room, and he won't hear of being separated from her even when we visit friends, grandparents etc. Yes, having another one is more work, and there are times when they squabble, but on the whole we think having number 2 was one of the best things we've ever done.

Just found out that my second baby is another boy. At first I just felt delighted that the scan showed that everything was 100% normal and healthy. Now feeling incredibly guilty about feelings of disappointment that its not the girl I had hoped and been trying for. Anyone else felt like this? I just keep telling myself to be really, really grateful that my pregnancy is progressing normally and that my baby is growing well, and that my ds will be thrilled to have a little brother to play with etc, but can't quite shake those initial feelings of disappointment. It has only been 24hours so I know it will improve but doesnt stop the guilt.

Powderpuff, felt exactly like you when I found out I was expecting another girl. 4.5 years further down the line, I can honestly say it's the best thing that could have happened. In fact, I had totally forgotten that little pang of dissapointment (sp) until I read your post. I am now firmly convinced that '2 of a kind' is the best way, esp for the children, and love having my 2 darling girls. Being realistic though, I expect that if I had had a boy, I would have thought that was the best thing! Don't worry about it, its perfectly natural, and at least you have a while to get used to the idea.