I don't know what to do. please help.

[hotcrosbum]

I didn't want to clog up the HG support thread with this.

I've had dh screaming in my face all morning and I have had enough. I am 7 weeks pregnant, baby was planned, but I don't know if I can continue this pregnancy.

As we were trying, I found out I was pregnant a day before my period was due. Dh has been an arsehole since then, picking fights.

I have an older DS from a previous marriage, I suffered sever HG with him and the sickness has started again. DH said he's fed up of it already, that I should stop moaning (i've not been moaning, I have felt like death, but I haven't whinged about it), that he's fed up of doing everything (a bit of cleaning here and there and changing the cat litter tray today as I was heaving).

He said the sickness is my fault, that its self inflicted because I got pregnant and I should shut up about it.

He was screaming at me at looking into medication, he doesn't want me to take anything.

I have decided to go semi private with this baby - private GP, private midwife, private scans. Will have an nhs consultant and have a cs in an nhs hospital, but all other care I will be paying for. THIs is due to being treated appallingly with ds, being left feeling like I had been publicly raped after I was examined against my will on a ward where they refused to shut the curtains. I ended up with such bad PND that it has affected every area of my life for the past 11 years. I can't risk it again.

He is now saying that its a waste of money who am i to think I am better than everyone else, that he doesn't believe how I was treated, that I am making it up.

Midwife is coming for her first app in an hour, sat here crying. I dont know what to do.

I honestly don't know if he is trying to make me throw him out so he doesn't look like the bad party, or if he is trying to make me so stressed that I miscarry.

Hotcross has he been screaming in your face before the pregnancy and hyperemesis? It's not acceptable behaviour either way. If a recent thing sounds like he needs stress management. If a longterm behaviour I would start thinking about putting own well being first and considering what sort of future you want for you, your ds and your baby.

hotcross what a terrible situation. I echo the advice of others that his behaviour is not acceptable, but I guess you already know this. I had an HG pregnancy with a similar man, nice as pie one day and moody and unreasonable the next. I hated him so much on the bad days that eventually the good days weren't enough to make up for it. With HG, he thought I was making it up to get attention and it got to the stage that he wouldn't even speak to me, he was so upset with me for inconveniencing him!! There was no way back for us after that, I thought if he can't support me when I need him then what is the point in being with him? I don't need a spoilt little boy for a partner, and if he's like this now, then what kind of father will he be? The pregnancy ended at 9 weeks and I ditched him soon after. It was the best decision I ever made.

On the HG issue, are you getting treatment? I'm sure I don't have to tell you that you need to be on antiemetics ASAP, and forget the stupid midwife if she tells you to try bloody ginger. There's safety information about antiemetics at sites.google.com/site/pregnancysicknesssos/research/medications. I can send you full text articles of any of these papers if you want. There's also a new study that's just come out about the safety of ondansetron in a very large group of women, I haven't added it to the site yet, I'll get around to it eventually, but I can send you that too if you need if for showing to anyone that the drugs are safe. I'd recommend contacting PSS to get support from a local volunteer, sometimes you just need to talk/text/email someone who understands how you feel.

OP, I am joining in to say that this is not normal behaviour.

Do protect yourself and your DCs please. Do make sure you keep RL friends, family and job at hand. It may be a glitch, but it does sound very odd behaviour. Babies are marvellous but also hard work. What will he do when you are both sleep deprived or when you are not available to him as you were pre-baby?

Hey from HG thread here,
I was really saddened to hear about how nasty and vitriolic your husband has been. No a hug and an apology is not enough, he needs to address his behaviour. Are you happy with the thought of bringing up a child in this kind of situation? I think probably not. Please please please speak to Womens Aid www.womensaid.org.uk/ to get some advice and help, they are brilliant.

I'm so sorry that you've got this on top of the general stress of pregnancy plus HG- the only thing that you can do is do something about it- it sadly won't get better by it's self xx

Hello from the HG thread too.

This sounds absolutely horrible and the last thing you need to be dealing with when so ill with hyperemesis.

As some other people have pointed out abuse (which can be verbal) often starts for the first time in pregnancy for some reason. Would he go with you to counselling? If he doesn't improve his ways then I too would be extremely concerned about staying with him, and how he'll react to the stress of having a new baby.

The extent of his nastiness cannot be in any way excused. However it is very difficult for other people, men women, some doctors, to understand hyperemesis. Even my own incredibly supportive husband, who has already been through hyperemesis with me previously, does not always understand why, for example, I can't eat something just because an ingredient has changed, why some foods make me vomit at the mere thought etc.. If your partner changes after this midwife visit and supports you through HG then great, but if he doesn't then you probably need to get out.

I know this seems completely random considering the nature of this thread but please don't change the litter tray anymore - if he does one thing for you, make him do that, it is really dangerous for pregnant women to have contact with cat faeces.

He sounds like a cunt btw, how is he with your existing child? Does he shout at him/her?

hotcrossbun

so sorry to read your post

have you shown your husband the helpher website?

im on my 2nd lot of HG, but 20 weeks ahead of you..... the first time i was told to snap out of it one too many times......

This time we expected it and made it through with DD in nursery and my mum staying each week (5 hour journey each way)

We will not be having another baby unless i have a nanny!

Its horrid..... i really really hope you DH reads this thread, and realises that you arnt making this up... you are ill...

you NEED medication..... thats why years ago people died from HG, thankfully nowadays with medication and IV hydration us poor HG sufferers dont normally pay the ultimate price.

I was on max dose of anti-emetics from 5 weeks until birth last pregnancy.... DD is fine as are the thousands of other women who depend on these drugs to reduce their symptoms....
Im sure this one will be fine too, started them at 6 weeks this time and not stopping yet at 27 weeks.

Im sending you a massive massive (gentle) hug, and i hope your DH see's sense soon, and in the mean time, dont get pressured into doing anything you dont want to do....

At the time its living hell, but once they are in your arms its worth every vomit (im up to more than 1000 pregnancy vomits now!)... and im still here

xxxx

Hi, sorry not been back since last night, I have had to drag myself half way across the country to pick my ds up from his fathers house, like I have to do every other weekend, it's hell being sick on a moving train (ex h won't hand him over to dh just to be awkward, although dh comes with me on the journey).

With regard to dh and ds - ds adores him and vice versa. Thats why I didn't understand the behaviour re my pregnancy, he is an amazing, patient, kind stepfather who spends time with ds, puts him and his needs before his own. That's part of the reason I didn't walk out the other day, my ds would be devastated.

Today has been better. We had a long chat (10 hour round trip so lots of time to talk). He was scared of how his life has changed. He says he panicked, especially yesterday. Theres more, but I am so sick and exhausted, sorry. (I have picked up cystitis to top things off so am feeling horrendous tonight).

I don't know how things will pan out. I won't be spoken to like that again though. He's been looking at HG website on the train etc.

I am glad things are feeling safer now. You sound strong and your resolution to not be spoken to like that is a good one. At least your DH is informing himself. Have you thought of attending counselling? Or asking him to refer himself as proof he is really willing to change?

Hope your cystitis clears up - I bet it is hard to drink enough fluid with the HG

Hotcross it's great you're talking and good for you setting boundaries for what's acceptable. Keep talking. And be aware how hard HG is on a relationship. And make sure your GP gets you on some antiemetics fast.

just keep an eye on things hun... it sounds so much like the start of abuse to me... i grew up watching my stepdad abuse my mum... that started when they married and had my stepbrother.... hes shout and smash things and threaten her then apologise cook her dinner, promise hell change... hed be lovely for a few days... then it starts again. she stayed with him for well over a decade, he wrecked our home and our childhoods. i think abuse starts at these times cos the partner thinks that marriage or babies can stop you leaving.

ultimately its up to you. just dont leave it to the point you lose your dignity, like my mum did. hope ur ok xx

hotcrosbum I am glad that you have called him on his behaviour. I do hope the cystitis gets resolved pretty quickly. Do contact your GP tomorrow. It is so painful.

I second honey86, keep an eye out going forward.

And good luck!

Ok hotcrossbun I had a similar experience to you.
I had severe HG which started at 7 weeks (on our honeymoon!) and by 9 weeks was so ill I was admitted to hospital.
DH has seen me deteriorate gradually and felt helpless.
After my first stay in hospital, both he and I knew nothing of HG at all and we hoped the anti emetics and IVs would end the sickness. Obviously it didn't it just got worse.
A couple of days after getting home from hospital, I was very weak and lost almost two stone, DH thought I wasn't helping myself by just laying on the bed all day trying not to throw up.
He had a bit of a go at me saying I wasn't helping myself and he wanted me to walk with him to the supermarket, to get fresh air!
I decided to try and do it to show him I was making an effort.
When we got there he then wanted me to choose what I wanted for dinner that night. Obviously the very thought of food made me nauseous, having walked to Sainsburys did me in and I honestly thought I was going to pass out in there. I told him I couldn't choose the food or go round and put it in the basket and he just basically had a right go at me in the shop!
I told him I didn't want to argue or for him to shout and I just felt too weak, I began to cry and he walked off leaving me standing there.
I saw him headed to the door so I went to the ladies purely just to sit somewhere in private and rest.
After about half an hour I realised I didn't have any money on me, my phone or my house keys. I didn't want to go home right then because I was pissed off with DH for abandoning me.
I wondered whether I should ask the staff to call me an ambulance to take me to hospital as I really felt so ill but I didn't want to draw attention.
Luckily as I came outside I saw a work colleague, who almost didn't recognise me because I had lost so much weight, but she kindly drove me to my parents house.
My parents were both at work so I sat on the doorstep in the rain until my dad came home.
I told my dad what happened and he was furious with DH and phoned him up to have a go at him to find DH frantically searching for me everywhere. Apparently he walked to the door at the supermarket and turned right back but I had already gone. He'd been home to see if I was waiting there, he'd been to the hospital to see if I went there and was really worried about me, he was about to call the police.
He came straight to my parents house to see me and I told him under no circumstances was I going home until I was better.
He apologised and I stayed with my parents for weeks (I was so bad my mum had to help me wash and dress).

Yes DH should not have behaved that way, but, I truly think it was because he felt helpless in being unable to make me better and was only watching my decline. Not that it's an excuse but sometimes people act in strange ways because they don't know how to handle it.
We had literally only just got married and had a bad previous few months with ill health then HG decides to strike us.

Some people would class that as being an abusive bully, and I did feel bullied into going shopping, but then I remember the times I lose my temper at him and (not very often!) shout or be cross at him!

Other posters have said in their opinion that your DH is abusive and its not normal behaviour, which its not. If it was a one off you can put it down to him being unable to handle the situation, if he often behaves that way I would be very concerned.

My DH since has been very supportive and has not behaved like that towards me since. I'd be very upset if people had jumped to the conclusion that he's an abusive husband based on a one off incident.

All the best xxx

Hi, I can pm you tomorrow some links to my other threads, but I'm really worried about you. My stbxh also totally changed when i got pg, despite us actively ttc and planning it all around a house move. He said he regretted it, I'd forced him into it, that I'm not ill, just pregnant etc.

And it has all got worse and worse. He is packing the last of his things up at the moment as I type this on my phone, a bit awkwardly as I have a cannula in my right elbow so I can have daily IV meds and fluids. Worst thing is, I'd likely not be so poorly now if I had got proper treatment much earlier on as opposed to letting stbxh making me feel like this was self inflicted.

Please make sure you get some medication ASAP, and see about talking o women's aid or something similar as your DH has been abusive to you. I think I commented on the HG thread that even though I still feel terrible, I'm looking forward to him being gone tomorrow as I'd rather feel like this with no one around rather than with someone unsympathetic and abusive.

Hi hotcross from the HG thread as well. I think that's great that he is making an effort to find out more and read the websites.

I hope he is taking in the medication side of things, because as waves said, if it's treated early it can head it off - I have had it 3 times, and each time has been a little bit better as I've got treatment earlier for it having seen the signs earlier. The medications now are proven to be ok, if not officially by doctors (because they are scared of the lawsuits after the trial) but by thousands of women that have taken them over the course of many many years.

Also, I echo the bit about cat litter. DO NOT CHANGE IT, even if you are not feeling ill. It can carry a disease that is dangerous to pregnant women. No pregnant woman should go near it!

Hotcross how are you doing?

Yes I echo that thing about cat litter - all the pregnancy books say you must get your partner to do that. I think it's toxoplasmosis, which can cause severe problems for the baby if you catch it.

Also, as you have HG you need to be very careful about cystitis as a bladder infection can cause you to get even more nauseous and trigger a downward spiral. If it's bacterial you need antibiotics, and if you can't keep them down go to the hospital for injections or IV antibiotics.

I am doing ok. I am busy - I am at uni at the mo, can't take much time off as I will end up failing and chucking years of hard graft in the bin. They are understanding though.

He is doing the cat litter. I am having a toxo test actually, although I am very low risk as my cats are indoor cats who have never set foot outside. (Had indoor cats while pg with ds, my dr at the time said i'd have more of a change of toxo is I was a keen gardener, so am not worried).

I am just sick and bloody tired at the moment. Dh is coninuing to be nice. SO we'll see how it goes.

glad he has bucked his ideas up a bit. Hope you find that your sickness eases sooner than it did the last time. Have you thought any more about taking meds?

I have a drs app next week, he is coming with me, I will ask about meds then. I feel like death, if this is like my first pregnancy, I will feel like this until the day I give birth.....feels like a like sentence at the mo, I'm not due until november.

I would take a print out of the available meds from the Pregnancy Sickness Support site with you to the doctor. In my extremely limited experience of doctors relating to HG, one was knowledgeable and one didn't have a clue. It would be terrible if you got one of the crappy ones.

Can you wait till next week? Are you testing for keytones? sorry to sound so bossy, can't seem to help myself

sorry, ketones

The dr is on holiday this week, tuesday is the first day she is back. She's a private GP, so it's not like I am registered to a surgery and can see anyone. I could see another private GP at the hospital, but tues was about her referring me to a hospital etc.

I am managing to keep down water in between bouts of sickness, I am not dehydrated yet, and yep, have ketosticks, and all fine at the mo.

I will take a list with me. DH is still on at me to eat, which is infuriating.

oh yes, forgot you had a private doctor. You have it all under control!

Of you are keeping water down try watery soups like the knorr packet ones. I just about managed to keep these down when my hg was at its worst.

Dunno if it will help you but i found i could manage a little bit of foods like mash and stew if i didn't have to prepare or cook it. Can dh cook at all?