Expectations for your child's first year.

[purrpurr]

Hi all

After some discussion with my DH, I'd like to ask: what are your expectations for your child's first year? Do you have any? Have you and your DH discussed sharing any particular duties, or trying to keep in place any particular long-running routines you have that you feel may still be beneficial when getting used to having a baby in the house?

I would really like to keep my morning shower, I'd like to be able to finish a meal if my DH is in the house to assist with the baby, and I'd like to share night time work on the weekends later on when/if I'm no longer breast feeding. So essentially I am trying to say in advance, I don't want to be a greasy sweaty mess every day. I want to be able to grab 7 minutes every morning to have a quick shower so my hair doesn't remain plastered to my scalp all day, attractive though that may be... I want us to share the care of our DD at evenings and weekends.

I thought we'd talked about this already and agreed lots of things, but as my due date starts to get nearer, it appears our expectations are growing miles apart. I think he's looking at how his friends have done the first year - the woman, always dishevelled, greasy, miserable, starving, unable to finish a meal with her husband sat right beside her merrily chomping away, not sleeping, not getting a minute 'off' whilst her man is always going out. I think whilst we're agreeing how we'd like things to be (and obviously I'm not a complete idiot, I know we can't always get what we want!) he's subconsciously following the path set by his friends as the path that we will follow.

Am I setting myself up for massive disappointment? Will I be greasy and unwashed and starving hungry for the first year? Will I have any energy to go for walks with our DD to get some exercise?

I'm having exactly the same problems, I thought we were on the same page but we're definately not!! OH seems reluctant to discuss anything about it saying "it's ages away' erm hello, it's 4 months - not a long time!!

Sorry I couldn't be of more assistance, just thought I'd join in on the whinge :)

Will I be greasy and unwashed and starving hungry for the first year?

Erm, no. You can still shower and do your hair and eat with a baby...! DH was usually off to work before DS would wake up, but I either showered when DS was napping (not often!) or I'd take the bouncer chair into the bathroom with me and he'd quite happily sit in it when I showered, for all the time it took. The noise of the shower seemed to settle him. As did the noise of my hairdrier, which usually meant he was sleeping by the time I wanted to straighten my hair. Being a mum to a newborn doesn't mean you have to look like a slob!

Will I have any energy to go for walks with our DD to get some exercise?

Definitely! Try and get out for walks regularly - every day if possible. Good for you and for your DD to get some fresh air. I find a wee bit of exercise gives me more energy than sitting around the house all day.

You and DH will find your way quickly. Just keep talking to him and asking him to do things to help you.

backwardpossom you're awesome, thank you very much indeed, I feel totally reassured.

hopeful my OH was reluctant until he felt the baby proper kicking about 10 days ago, then all of a sudden he started to get slightly enthusiastic. He struggles to get all 'awww' over a baby blanket in Tesco and really doesn't understand why I've got lots of things in already ('why do we need sheets?' 'why do we need blankets? But wouldn't one suffice?' 'Why will she need socks?' etc etc etc I call him The Joy Stealer whenever he starts and he looks proper shamefaced) ooh also another thing that helped was when he saw an outfit on sale in Asda and bought it for her. Then I think he got a tiny bit watery eyed about things. Or he could have just sneezed...

Backwardpossum - your answers to the OP's questions have given me hope!! Only this very morning I was wondering if it's possible to get showered and properly dressed in the morning with a newborn. I don't require a huge getting-ready ritual, but when my baby arrives in 8 weeks I would LOVE to be able to find 15 mins to shower, put on something that isn't just the clothes I pulled off the night before and on a bad day even slap on a dab of eyeliner to make myself look more awake. Having suffered from depression in the past I know what a slippery slope it can be for me if I start a day without washing/getting dressed.

It's great advice too I think about getting out and about for a walk. I am DESPERATE to be able to do this once the baby is here. Again, as a sufferer from depression I know that being housebound really drags me down into a spiral...

Thanks OP for the questions - I am very nervous about being a total physical wreck in the first few weeks/months and it is good to know I'm not the only scared one!! :)

emerald The feminist in me thinks if it is actually necessary for women to lose rights to basic self care and dignity whilst raising a child (so not being able to wash or finish a meal) then surely the man should be in the same boat, and yet the man is NEVER in the same boat. So part of me is just going 'raaaah' at that, in a shaking my fist at the world sort of way.

I think maintaining self care routines is essential for good mental health. I categorise showering, applying a touch of make-up and dressing in something other than PJs as 'self care' because, like you, I suffered from depression in the past and those were the first things to go, so those are the things I need to keep up.

Although my DH was a bit like "but will the baby be ok with steam if you're in the shower?" Daft twit. I presume the baby will also starve to death in the 2 minutes it takes for me to eat a slice of toast.

You'll probably find the first few weeks are a massive shock to the system and you will wonder how the hell you're supposed to do anything, but you'll find a way, I promise! Good luck :)

Hmmmm

When I had my son I found - especially in the early days - it was quite stressful getting showered and dressed in the morning. I was one of those women who read the 'I haven't showered or dressed in nine days' threads on MN and though "WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU?! IT TAKES TEN MINUTES!". It did take me a little while to get into the groove. And my husband has a job which starts v early (needs to be at his desk by 7:30) and when my son was tiny he was also flying to New York every couple of weeks which was quite stressful as I was totally on my own during that time with no family near by.

I would say yes of course it is possible to have a shower and enjoy a meal and in an ideal world your husband should be around to help, but you might find that as a mother the sound of your baby's cries as you try to do those things is a little more distracting / distressing than it is to your husband! Just cut yourself some slack.

timeforgin - I'm with you in being one of those people who wonders how it can be possible not to be able to find 10 minutes for a shower... but the number of times I have read it or heard friends talk about it, I realise that it must be a reality!

My DH leaves for work at a more civilised 8.30, so I'm hoping that between us we can manage to both get showered and dressed before he leaves. If that fails, I think baby will have to go in a bouncer / on a changing mat on the bathroom floor while I get myself sorted...

I take my DD (8 months) into the bathroom with me when I shower. She sits in her bouncy chair and we sing songs.

If I'm cooking she sits in the kitchen and generally bullies our three dogs.

We go for long walks in the pram and talk about what we can see. I'm pretty sure passersby think I'm nutty!

My DH works 60 hours a week, so it's just DD and I most of the time. If I need lunch/dinner she sits in her highchair with a snack... at first it was in her bouncy chair with a toy, then a walker.

We go to Tesco/Asda and from the start she has loved sitting in the trolley looking at everything.

You find ways to manage. It just means adapting :)

The only thing I've given up on is makeup. I now just whack a quick layer of tinted moisturiser on and a bit of mascara. Those things become quite unimportant once your DC arrives.

You'll be fine I'm sure :)

I've got a new baby and a 2 year old and I have never once not been able to have a shower and do my hair and make up. New babies sleep a lot, and when they're awake they are very portable. You can just take them around the house with you in a swing or whatever you use.
I'm not sure how much it pays to stipulate in advance things like finishing a meal if the baby cries etc. You just don't know how you will feel, about so many things. And things that seem so vital right now, you will just learn other ways around them once you have a third person in your home.

Before dc I used to think women who were still sat in their dressing gowns without even facing brushed their teeth at 11am must be very slack. For me it was routine that kept me sane.

I have always got up snd had shower/dryer and straightened hair before dc get up. You get used to it fir when you go back to work anyway. My hai is very thick and unruly so I just don't feel like 'me' if it's not done.

Baby number one is a big shock, far easier second and third time around when you know what you're doing I promise and it doesn't last long.

I think having a morning shower is vital for your well-being with a new born.

When I had my baby (she just turned 1) I promised myself that whatever else happened I would wash my hair everyday. This made all the difference to the rest of the day as you naturally get dressed (even if into leggings/jumper) and you feel so much cleaner with washed hair. It stopped me slobbing out too much.

Newborns actually sleep quite a lot, they don't always sleep for long stretches, so there will definitely be lots of 20min opportunities when you can jump in the shower. Also, if they wake up when you have conditioner in your hair they can wait 3 mins whilst you are washing it out, nothing is going to happen to them!

One other thing, which really helped me, is on Friday nights DH had the moses basket his side of the bed. Even though I was the only one who could feed (BF) he dealt with the putting down bit afterwards which can take ages.

You'll probably find the first few weeks are a massive shock to the system and you will wonder how the hell you're supposed to do anything

Later you'll have a 2nd or 3rd child and wonder what the Fig did you ever do with your time when there was only one.

Oops missed a bit, it is very easy to still be say in your dressing g gown at 11am unless you take co trol. I remember eating a lot if mashed potatoe with my dinner for first few weeks as I could eat it ond handed whilst jigging my dd. it is stressful hearing her cry but actually fir 10 mins to eat my dinner it would not do get any harm to cry . Plus you learn to do a lot if things ond handed or whilst feeding x

Dd is now 10 weeks and I've been able to have a shower and get dressed every day either quickly when she's alert or take my time when she's napping, and since fully recovering from a cs have gone for a daily walk so it is possible - you just have to make the effort! I'm a "doer" though and think its been really important to stay sane but not everyone has the same attitude. Good luck and congratulations!!

I have a 5 week old and have managed a shower every day so far. Granted, yesterday's was at 2pm but that was because I'd not slept the night before and was having a much needed 'bed day'.

Eating can be trickier - I have found my little girl has a sixth sense for when food is ready, and I often eat one handed. My husband does offer to take her but I find I have her more often - not sure why.

OP, is your husband going to be off for a while after the birth, whether with paternity or annual leave? That part is crucial, as you'll both be working out just how much work a tiny little bundle who only sleeps, eats, poos and cries can possibly be.

Later you'll have a 2nd or 3rd child and wonder what the Fig did you ever do with your time when there was only one.

I certainly hope so - DC2 is due in a few weeks!

I showered (plus quick make up, clean clothes, hair dryer) every day when DD was a newborn - I couldn't not, I would have felt too grim! It was a bit of a struggle at first - I remember being freezing with dripping hair sat down on the bed for a hour feeding DD! But it soon settled down.

Eating was the same - a bit tricky as my DH works evenings so I was often on my own and evening meal clashed with DD's most fussy time. I was often eating pizza with one hand while breast feeding.

Getting out and about - easy, and makes you feel much better.

Night times - TBH I did all night feeds as was breastfeeding. In fact I still deal with all night time wakings as I am SAHM and DH works (and is away a lot) . If you're not breast feeding I think it would be fab to get your DH involved and I would be v

I don't know any women who looked greasy and unwashed during the whole of their child's first year.

Fitting in a shower etc can be tricky when they're very tiny, and it often has to be done in bits ie have shower, feed baby with towel wrapped round you, dry hair whilst baby naps and takes longer, but it's completely normal to be clean and well presented when you have young children, honestly!

Thanks for all the replies - it's beginning to look like getting washed is something that has been achieved under normal circumstances by other parents so I don't have to feel like some sort of outsider weirdo when I attempt to do the same.

MaMaPo, my DH will be off for paternity leave, so two weeks, after the birth. I'm trying to prepare us both, as I'm the one recording all the One Born Every Minute shows and I'm the one practically living on Mumsnet reading all kinds of threads on parenting, childbirth, etc. I'm more pessimistic out of the two of us (I call it being realistic and being prepared) and he's the one who is optimistic with wool in his ears, so I need to labour the point on things for it to truly go in. I've covered the 'breastfeeding can be easy but it can sometimes be impossible and then other times it's really hard but ends up being rather lovely' topic, as previously he was convinced we would BF and there would be no hurdles, it would be easy, etc, which for me felt like I was being set up to become a gigantic failure if I even found it difficult, let alone if I don't end up managing to do it at all.

I've also done all the reading into SIDs and so we know roughly why we have to do things a certain way - I say roughly why as it's not an exact science, it just appears to be, 'do x, y and z and your risks are slightly lower. We don't know why, just do it already, your choices are do x y and z or have a dead baby' so although it's frustrating - we're both logical people, we like causal links, evidence, repeated proven evidence, things like Science, etc... - we know what we're set up for and how important it is to follow it through.

So for me the important things for when our baby is here are covered. Whatever happens, we have a rough approach to feeding to follow, and we will be following SIDs guidelines to the letter.

It's the smaller day to day stuff that is probably deemed inconsequential by most that I'm thinking about at present. So many men have told me I will cease to exist when I've had a child that I'm starting to fight back now by saying, okay, I may cease to exist as a human being, but while I'm politely getting on with not existing and that, can I be clean at least?

Argh sorry waffle!

I see where you're coming from OP - we sound similar! I have found myself being the one to research what to expect and what I'm experiencing, and my husband is a wonderful support though a little more removed (as I'm exclusively breastfeeding plus at home with our daughter all day). But I feel that he does have a good idea of just how much work everything can be even though I concern myself more with the details.

If the two of you can view the raising of your child as a team effort, then that will bode well for you. My husband is doing a great job of looking after me (cooking on weekends, and often in the evening; earning a crust; feeding the baby in the late evening while I sleep; drying my tears and reassuring me I'm not a rubbish mother) and I thank him for it; I am doing a great job looking after our baby and he thanks me for it. In all, we are both doing crucial work in looking after our little family.

I always had a shower. I didn't always have a shower first thing in the morning, but like Biscuit points out above, newborns nap a lot, just not always for very long... so if you wait for the eyes to close and then jump in, that works!

When she was a bit bigger I used to take her bouncy chair in with me and she would watch me. I would give her some chat and wave at her!

Now she's 17 months, I either park her in her cot with some toys (which she does not always enjoy, it has to be said) or she snoops around the bathroom and waves at the other baby who lives in the mirror.

Drying my hair is another matter... I don't think I got around to doing that until I went back to work!!

You may find your DH steps up when your DC gets here, I was starting to worry about mine during pregnancy, but when she got here it was love at first sight. DD adores her daddy and would easily trade me in for him.

MamaPo the team work you describe is what I'm really hoping we'll achieve. We're rather good at day to day teamwork normally and my DH has stated time and time again that he wants to be as involved with our baby as I am from the start - he doesn't ever want to be afraid because he doesn't know what to do. He wants to be able to deal with poo explosions or fits of crying that appear to have no particular cause without handing our baby to me as a standard response.

I am not currently working and am 24 weeks pregnant so have a while to go yet (in theory - in a couple of weeks I will be saying "eek we'll have a baby in three months! Where did the last 6 months go?") but when he gets home and I haven't done anything all day because I've just been too tired, his immediate reply is "you're building a person, of course you're tired!" so that bodes well for when our baby arrives. To be fair I'm ebaying like mad to get nice things and the house is generally lovely all the time - not hard when you're a stay at home nothing in particular. But I do see a good exchange of respect in our relationship already, which is not based on me bringing in a salary. I'm hopeful that we've got a good foundation in place.

Teladi can I ask a question? Did you do anything in particular to help your DD and DH bond, or was it all nature's doing? I'm really keen for my DH and our DD to have a close bond and I've talked to him about him being the one to bathe her, massage her after a bath which would encourage nappy-free kicking and general dad-daughter time (if I know him this will no doubt include tummy raspberries, tickling, playing peekabo with a towel, etc), but is there anything else I could do in the early days do you think? I've heard so much about the mum-baby relationship being the important one, I don't want my DH to be sidelined.

He was just really keen to get in about straight away, wasn't squeamish about nappies, wanted to give her cuddles, didn't wait for me to be the first one to go to her when she cried. I knew he would be good, because he is a good guy (and it sounds like your DH is considerate as well) but I didn't realise how much easier he would make it all for me!

Sometimes I do wonder though, DD and I had some issues during her delivery, I lost a lot of blood and so DD was handed to DH not long after she arrived, and she stayed with him for the first few hours, rather than with me, as I needed some treatment. That meant we never got bf established (though I expressed for her for months) and I wonder if that few hours helped kick start the daddy daughter bonding! I don't recommend that as an approach though(!), but especially if you are planning on bfing, encouraging your DH to do as much as possible with her will only help, because bf babies are very mummy-centric because of the food!!