Expectations for your child's first year.

[purrpurr]

Hi all

After some discussion with my DH, I'd like to ask: what are your expectations for your child's first year? Do you have any? Have you and your DH discussed sharing any particular duties, or trying to keep in place any particular long-running routines you have that you feel may still be beneficial when getting used to having a baby in the house?

I would really like to keep my morning shower, I'd like to be able to finish a meal if my DH is in the house to assist with the baby, and I'd like to share night time work on the weekends later on when/if I'm no longer breast feeding. So essentially I am trying to say in advance, I don't want to be a greasy sweaty mess every day. I want to be able to grab 7 minutes every morning to have a quick shower so my hair doesn't remain plastered to my scalp all day, attractive though that may be... I want us to share the care of our DD at evenings and weekends.

I thought we'd talked about this already and agreed lots of things, but as my due date starts to get nearer, it appears our expectations are growing miles apart. I think he's looking at how his friends have done the first year - the woman, always dishevelled, greasy, miserable, starving, unable to finish a meal with her husband sat right beside her merrily chomping away, not sleeping, not getting a minute 'off' whilst her man is always going out. I think whilst we're agreeing how we'd like things to be (and obviously I'm not a complete idiot, I know we can't always get what we want!) he's subconsciously following the path set by his friends as the path that we will follow.

Am I setting myself up for massive disappointment? Will I be greasy and unwashed and starving hungry for the first year? Will I have any energy to go for walks with our DD to get some exercise?

I haven't read the whole thread - just the OP - but wanted to add my two cents (really long, sorry)

My daughter is now just over a year old, and before she was born, I had exactly the same worries as you. When it came to it, my daughter was born very prematurely and spent her first few months in hospital. Once she was home, she was hooked up to 24/hour supplemental oxygen from a canister (and still is, although hopefully not for much longer). So the absolute last thought on my mind was taking care of myself.

BUT.

After her first day at home, which I spent constantly checking her oxygen supply, not showering, not eating, and doing all the 'Mum routine' things I'd heard about, I realised that part of the reason I was doing, or not doing, those things, was because it was what I thought Mums inevitably did. Everyone had said not to put myself under any pressure to get the house clean, to shower, to make myself look decent, or to do anything other than bond with my baby. I followed that advice, and I felt like hell. I felt like I wasn't coping at all. I did feel very bonded to my baby. But I didn't feel like me at all.

So the next day, after about two hours sleep in 5-minute bursts, I put my baby, and her oxygen cylinder, within view of the open bathroom door, and had a shower. And wow, I instantly felt more capable. Then I fed her, settled her into a (five minute) nap, and sat right next to her putting on my make-up. Another little boost that made me feel like me, and like I could cope.

I've continued to do exactly the same ever since. Sometimes I manage to get up and have a shower before she wakes up, sometimes I can get her playing with a toy for long enough for me to shower, and sometimes I have to wait until nap time.

I have had a few other mothers comment on the fact that I have brushed hair and make-up, and say rather sniffily that they are too busy spending that time with their children to be 'bothered'. Hmm. Well, in my case, I am ALWAYS with my daughter when I am doing my hair and make-up. She loves to sit next to me, holding the make-up brushes, bashing the lipsticks together, and giggling at me pulling faces at her in the mirror. It is not time taken away from her, it is time spent together.

So after all that (longer than I intended - sorry!), as someone who has just finished the first year, I would say that my advice so far is to make everything you want to do a shared activity. As soon as you can make it fun for her, it's not an 'extra' job to get in the way, but something else fun to do together. Same applies to mealtimes. I admit I did eat one-handed for a few months, and played pass-the-baby with DH, but very soon we were able to finish meals by simply including her in the activity.

We'll see how it pans out as she gets older. I have the toddler years to contend with now, so who knows what that will bring...

Haven't read whole thread so maybe someone already mentioned this, but I used to put DS in his car seat in the bathroom while I'd have a shower (see through shower cubicle so I could keep an eye on him at all times). I never went a day without showering (unless I was doing it deliberately for laziness reasons!), makes a big difference to your sense of competence and 'awakeness' even if you're majorly sleep deprived!

You are completely reasonable to expect your DH to help and support you during your child's first year, you just might need to be flexible about how that support manifests itself.

For example, we'd planned to share night duties, but found that in reality, since I was breastfeeding & DH is a heavy sleeper, it was actually easier for us both for me to do the night duties after the first couple of weeks (at first, we were both on tenterhooks and awake all the time), while he got a decent sleep and then looked after DS while I had a nap during the day.

We also assumed we'd share bedtime settling duties but again, breastfeeding meant it was easier for me to put DS down every night - DH did bathtime instead. We share it now, but for the first year, it was always me.

DH was fantastic at cooking meals for us both, and holding DS while I ate if necessary (or if I was bf, he'd cut up my food or on a couple of desperate hungry occasions fed me with a fork!).

In terms of bonding, DH did bond early (I also had a haemorrhage like a previous poster and DH was left holding the baby for a couple of hours, which meant he felt very close to DS from early) but I have to say they only became really close after the first year when he went part-time to share the childcare. It was only then that he felt truly equal to me in terms of confidence in parenting & the closeness of the bond he now has with DS. Before that, with me on maternity leave for a year, I just had more experience and confidence with the childcare tasks, and although DH was really supportive, it was when we started meaningfully sharing the childcare (we both work part-time at the moment) that it started feeling really equal.

Anyway, basically, it's difficult to know exactly how things will work out, but it's important that you and your DH try to talk openly about your expectations because you will need to pull together once the baby arrives if you want to have any hope of being happy.

Good luck!

Think what some were saying OP was don't put too much pressure on yourself about things being a certain way - if things don't work out the way you expect it'll make you feel crap.

My ds was (is to an extent) a bloody awful sleeper. For the first month he would scream at jet engine volume if put down anywhere and had to be held/in a sling constantly and dh and I had to do shifts. Broken sleep really does take it out of you and sometimes you may not want to do anything other than sleep.

Saying that, of course its possible to get a shower, and you do feel better for it. Just cut yourself some slack in the early days - they pass very quickly. Of course, some babies are brilliant sleepers & happy to coo happily in their chairs while you do stuff round the house, others not so much

In terms of bonding, my dh was very hands in from the start. I was quite ill after ds was born so dh did a lot of the care to begin with and they've been pals ever since!

My advice would be don't really have any expectations about what it will be like. I read someone else's response about not revolving their life around the baby and laughed out aloud. I used to say that - before I had the baby. Afraid not quite the case because you cannot comprehend the 24/7 nature of having a baby until you have it I am afraid. It is bloody exhausting, hard work and my DS is now 2.2 and it's still exhausting.

That said, I always found time to have a shower - I would put him in a bouncer in the bathroom and sometimes he would scream but I would just sing. I also made time to exercise because that was critical for me to ensure I didn't get post-natal depression.

I think the hard thing is you never ever get a break and it's very hard to fit things around routines and nap times etc. It gets easier but lack of sleep isn't just in the first few weeks. We had trouble with our DS's sleep until he was well over 18 months. That's a long time of interrupted sleep.

However, everyone copes differently and I just found it really hard. Others who are more relaxed will find it easier than I did I think.

I am expecting number 2 and am terrified of facing a newborn baby again, but now I know what to expect and I have already made the monumental shift that you make with the first baby, so hopefully it will be easier.

Good luck.

It's totally possible- just don't be a martyr about it- the early days are tough enough without you losing your rights to be clean and not hungry. I take the view that if DD is in her bouncy chair where she can see me (and I'm in the shower) and she is pissed off and cries for 5 mins (despite being fed, changed etc), then that's just going to happen. It won't harm her and you'll feel better for it- I'd just sing like emmy- partly to comfort her and partly to drown it out

However, yes, it's totally reasonable to expect your DH to do 50/50 when he's at home. Men can do 95% of baby care- the only thing they cant do is bf. If you're bf, it can be hard to share nights, but you can do a feed/settle split- so in the early days, when DD was pretty hard work at nights, I would feed DD and if she wouldnt settle, Dh would then take her downstairs and walk around with her till she fell asleep. He also took DS out a lot at weekends so that I could sleep when DD did.

We tend to try to plan our weekends so we both get a bit of childfree time on SAturdays when the other one looks after both kids, and Sundays are a team effort/ family day. It is still tough- the early years always are I think- but we are a team.I dont feel put upon.

OP, I felt the same way you do during pregnancy regards showering etc. I find it really important for my mental health. DS is now 7weeks old and I do shower every day - either before DP goes to work, or with DS in the bouncy chair in the bathroom. I do often prioritise it over sleep - that's how important it is to me. Hair and make up often has to wait until his next nap though as he usually wakes up once the shower is turned off.

Ditto the daily walk. If it isnt raining/snowing, we go for a walk every day.

So yes, definitely possible if you prioritise.

I found I just didn't care about it once the baby was here. I can't bear to hear his cries. Didn't anticipate that one. It doesn't bother me hearing a baby cry (I'm a midwife, it just goes over my head...!) but my own baby, well, that is another matter.

I've found that I just stopped caring about how I look. I mean I do care, but the baby keeps me so busy, it's like a care that just gets tucked to the back of my long 'to do list' in my mind.

I have just found what I wanted to have shifted. Hormones are funny things. Trust me. I love staying in pjs all day. I love just being with my baby. I wonder what the hell I was doing with my time before he was here!

He is 7 weeks now, and we go out twice a week. I an 100% presentable had to give up to eyeliner, but still try and put mascara on! when we leave the house. But I either have DP looking after baby while I get ready, or 10 year old DS to try and amuse his brother. Sadly it takes me longer than 5 mins for a shower and hair wash! 15 mins in shower (long hair) and 45 mins to dry, dress and make up (minimum, can be longer as I have unruly eyelashes and hair that resists my charms). So I find it a little harder to make myself presentable every day.

Just don't be alarmed if you suddenly don't care about anything but your baby and meeting it's needs. I get terrible irrational fears that he will feel insecure if left to cry for more than a couple of minutes. It kills me when I'm making him a feed as I can't do anything about it til the feed is ready!

There were a lot of things that I had to give up or compromise on but I was not willing to give up a daily wash. Like many others it was essential to my sanity. While my baby was newborn I left her with DP while I had a bath, and once he went back to work I brought her into the bathroom with me, first in her carry cot and then in a bouncy chair. Worked brilliantly until she was about 7 months (and more mobile), and I'd highly recommend starting that as part of your routine very early on. Have your shower first thing in the morning if possible, after you've fed and changed the baby. That's their most cheerful time of the day!

Meant to say I frequently couldn't finish meals for a while. It's a pain but it does end. Try to always think ahead with regards to having something in the fridge so that you can mainline it as soon as the baby's asleep! Always make extra soup, that kind of thing.
Daily walks were absolutely essential for me too. Again that was a morning ritual, the fresh air helped me cope after a night of broken sleep, the baby slept beautifully in the pram, and I mastered the trick of being able to push the pram with one hand and sip takeaway coffee with the other. With a sugary scone tucked in my pocket!

Good suggestion on the morning walks with coffee Curtsey! You can get coffee cup holders on some prams now. I always like an early morning walk and walking with the pram saved my sanity when my DS was a baby. Except when it was 9.30pm at night and we were walking around the block to get him to sleep. That was not fun.....

A couple of things we 'implemented' was DH doing bath/bed routine. In the first two weeks we bathed dd together, but once he was back at work he would come in, entertain her for half hour, then bath and dress her for bed then he would give her her bottle and put her down (in the early weeks that was just swaddle and down in the carrycot in the lounge). He still does this every day now and she is 1.1.

I packed him and her off to the shops around a month old (desperate for some sleep) and he did all the prep (buggy sorted, dressed, milk etc) and off they went for about four hours. He admitted on his return he was terrified but that really she didnt need much.

I always wanted to go to her as soon as she grizzled, but had to push myslelf to allow DH to step in sometimes. She had to learn to be soothed by him.and he had to learn his own way of soothing her.

She is now 1.1, and I genuinely feel we have it good with what we each do with/for her and friends and family.compliment us on how we are when out about. I feel that there is nothing dd needs that can only be given by me. I have had weekends away, nights out, and DH does all the weekend and evening 'childcare' when I am at work.

Yes and finally I would just echo what others have said about letting your OH find his own way to parent the baby. It's so understandable to find yourself in a situation where you do everything and feel responsible for everything - but there are two parents, and the one who gets to go back to work after a week or so, regardless of how difficult his job is, still has an easier day ahead of him. That's pretty much an undisputed fact

Showers are easy. Feed baby. Put on old clean towel on bathroom floor. Have shower. Put baby under shower if you think he needs it. Get out, dry yourself. Done.

I think you should get the baby used to waiting for things. So when we get in from a walk with the buggy, I always take my coat, shoes etc off before I get LO out of his buggy. When we're eating, I always tidy things away before I get him out of his high-chair.

I found that my OH and LO's relationship has improved the older LO has got. I've never made him bathe/feed/change the baby - I'd prefer it was something he did off his own back, as opposed to feeling pressured into it. Now, at 8 months, they have a lovely relationship, and LO watches his dad constantly!

Oh, and as someone who suffered from PND (and depression in the past), getting up, washing and getting dressed (even if it's only into clean jogging bottoms and a clean t-shirt, you don't need to look glamorous!!) was the most important thing I could do for myself.

I also found pretty soon that after my LO wakes for the day, about 1-2 hours later he'd be tired again. So, I'd take this opportunity to shower and eat etc, as he'd usually sleep for 1-2 hours in the morning.

I really really struggled with the first year and my dh did loads (all night feeds for example, after I stopped bf). It drives me mad when friends tell me how lucky I am to have such an involved dh...um, it's his son too, why the hell wouldn't he be doing his fair share of the hard work?!

So I just want to echo other posters who've said don't be too rigid with plans. I definitely felt like a failure because I wasn't living up to my idea of the ideal mother - I was very hard on myself for no good reason.

That's not trying to be negative, more just a plea to be kind to yourself when you're getting used to life as a mother.

P.s. I am another slob who quite happily went without showers! But as it's important to you, you'll be able to make it happen I'm sure.

emmyloo Sorry but you're talking absolute rubbish. Your life does not have to stop because you have a child! I know numerous people who still keep their hobbies. Babies are portable. And the whole point of being in a relationship and having a child is that you share responsibility - my OH will still be going mountain biking on a Thursday evening, and I will still be attending my dance class one night a week (when my body recovers from childbirth obviously!). If you think I'm suddenly going to become some submissive recluse who all she does is sit at home with a baby doing housework, then you are very much mistaken. Like I said, I know many people, my brother and SIL included, whose children fit around their routines to a certain extent, and not the other way round. Obviously it is going to be time consuming, but don't sit there and tell me that I am going to have to give up my life because I am having a baby.

I am amazed at the stories here. I can only shower / bath when my DH is home. I have a 2.5yr old and a newborn. A bouncy chair will not fit in our bathroom and I dont want her on the floor in case DD1 runs into her, plus she would get wet our bathroom is that small from shower spray. If I run the shower I can't hear the monitor if she is elsewhere. Before I had DC2, DD1 and I used to have a bath together, but I couldn't get my hair washed as she was afraid of the shower attachment. We can no longer do that as who would watch the baby. So my options are either before DP is up or in the evenings :(

I find multifunctional products (shampoo and body wash - philosophy do nice ones) and dry shampoo helps a lot...

My DD is 4 and when she was born I did have a few greasy hair days, but I had had an emergency CS and epidural went in too far so had to rest up for two weeks. But after that initial shock I pulled myself together and by 8 weeks was taking her out in her pram for a jog, I put her in the baby bouncer while having a shower and used the spin bike while she was napping. However DH did work from home - he doesn't now, so am getting slight heebie geebies about DC2 who is due in May, but hey I've done it before and can do it again. Dry shampoo all the way - great suggestion BettyandDon

And always have your change bag ready to go out, so you can just pick it up and go! When you get in from somewhere, make sure to get it ready again for next time.

Mine has always got:

• 2 or 3 nappies and wipes and bum cream
• change of clothes (sleepsuit, vest, hat and socks)
• sterilised bottle and carton or 2 of milk, scissors to open cartons (not needed if you're EBF)
• spare dummy, nappy bags, spare change, change mat, a rattle/toy
• mints/sweets for me!

Yep, I always restock the change bag too.

Another tip is to do up alittle basket for the lounge with wipes, nappies, lotions and nappy sacks. Top it up each evening and no running around looking for bits during the day.

I notice that emmyloo also says in her post that her baby had sleep issues till 18 months. I think it is very easy to say that having a baby won't change things etc, but if you get one with sleep problems it does make a huge difference to your life. Pretty much anything is doable if you've had a decent night's sleep. If not, then all bets are off.

If someone had told me before DS was born that I would have to feed him every 2 hours morning, noon and night for 7 months, not only would I have not believed them, but I would have thought it would be utterly impossible to survive, Yet that is how it went.

Some babies are portable, slot into a routine, give you decent stretches of sleep. If you get one of those, then lucky you, and yes, your plans for an unchanged life may well work out.
However, nothing is guaranteed. If you get a nightmare sleeper, you may well find that your life is very different to what you hoped for.

I'm due in a couple of weeks with my second. Personally, after the first I have mentally written off the next year of my life; anything achieved life-wise will be a bonus rather than an expectation.

DD is 21 months and I have always managed to have a shower and put on a bit of make up in the mornings. I would shower while she was in her moses basket and now she is in her cot I shower before she gets up in the mornings and do make up while watching her play with her toys in the living room.

However i would say that DD was a very easy baby - nothing amazing that I did really, I think she just has a calm temperament - slept all night from 2 months old. DH was away in the week for the first 6 months of her life and I found it easier than I thought I would as a 1st time Mum.

I would say though that all babies have different temperaments, we are due our 2nd baby any day now and I am quite prepared for our luck to run out as some babies take a long time to learn to sleep at night and are much more demanding than DD. She is not completely perfect. (!!)...now she is a toddler, she is having a few tantrums, is very fussy with food and is a late walker due to being hypermobile (double jointed) so I still have to carry her about a lot although at last she is beginning to try to pull up and walk.

I would never think badly of a Mum who didn't manage to shower/put on make up in those early weeks as her baby might be difficult or have health problems. So until you have had your baby you don't really know what it is like and planning too much won't help - just see what happens after she is born and good luck.

I think it's not unreasonable to expect your DH to pull his weight.

But I also think it's really important not to have too rigid expectations. You really don't know what "type" of baby you're going to get. DH's friend's wife gave birth the same day as I did (same hospital! small world). Our babies are literally chalk and cheese in terms of sleeping, activity levels, personality...

DS has reflux. He had to be held almost continuously as a newborn. I made sure I had a shower before DH left for work. Some days I had to force myself into the shower because a few times I'd been too knackered so thought I'd have one later in the day and felt even crapper from lack of shower.

I also developed the skill of eating one handed, with a spoon from a bowl (even ate roast dinners like that!). Yes DH could have held DS, and did occasionally. But funnily enough, when DS was screaming because he wanted to be BF, I preferred eating with him on my lap BF rather than eating whilst he screamed and then BF him.

Same with getting home. A previous PP said babies should learn to wait whilst you get your stuff off etc. I used to do that (anticipated that once DS started BF I'd be stuck for ages so wanted to get coat/shoes off). Then I changed one day and fed DS quickly so he wasn't starving, then whilst he was calm I got my stuff off and could settle down for a longer feed. Result was that both of us were a lot happier.

DS is now 15 months (and still has reflux - I definitely didn't anticipate that!) and I still take his coat and shoes off before mine when we get home. Because then he can run off and play whilst I get myself sorted out.

I think you have to work out what makes you and your baby happy and it's not going to be the same as anyone else. I was really sporty before DS so couldn't imagine not continuing after he was born (one I recovered etc.). In reality, I went back to work when he was 6 months and I dont want to miss out on any other time with him so I haven't gone back (yet). It's my choice and it's what makes me happy. It's not what I would have chosen pre-DC but then again, you really can't predict these things.

DS is 28 months and he has never been the easiest wee one! He's a good sleeper and a good eater but has always needed loads of attention and has never enjoyed just ... sitting... so once he got to about 7 or 8 months I could forget going shopping with him, taking him to cafes etc.

I think the main things that sort of surprised me about his first year was how alone you can feel sometimes, there's lots of mum and baby stuff you can go to but if it's not really your cup of tea you find that most friends / family are in work during the day and you're at home doing laundry, pureeing carrots, changing nappies, breastfeeding! But it's also a really relaxing time in a way, you and your baby take naps at funny times, eat at funny times, go to the park together, go to the shops, go swimming, just stuff that a normal Mon-Fri office job doesn't really allow for.

It's important to negotiate time to yourself though, if you're going to be the main childcarer during the day then you will need evenings off to go for coffee with friends or go to the hairdressers or the gym. Sometimes you feel so shattered at the end of the day that all you want is your bed but it's important to make time for things that make you feel a bit like the person you were pre-baby. And it's also important to be firm that you are doing most of the childcare during the day and probably a lot of the housework but this doesn't mean that you should be doing hoovering, laundry, grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning etc. You might be surprised at how much your DH will expect you to get done while he's out at the office all day and it's a good idea to disabuse him of the notion that you have become a 1950s housewife overnight!!!