Expectations for your child's first year.

[purrpurr]

Hi all

After some discussion with my DH, I'd like to ask: what are your expectations for your child's first year? Do you have any? Have you and your DH discussed sharing any particular duties, or trying to keep in place any particular long-running routines you have that you feel may still be beneficial when getting used to having a baby in the house?

I would really like to keep my morning shower, I'd like to be able to finish a meal if my DH is in the house to assist with the baby, and I'd like to share night time work on the weekends later on when/if I'm no longer breast feeding. So essentially I am trying to say in advance, I don't want to be a greasy sweaty mess every day. I want to be able to grab 7 minutes every morning to have a quick shower so my hair doesn't remain plastered to my scalp all day, attractive though that may be... I want us to share the care of our DD at evenings and weekends.

I thought we'd talked about this already and agreed lots of things, but as my due date starts to get nearer, it appears our expectations are growing miles apart. I think he's looking at how his friends have done the first year - the woman, always dishevelled, greasy, miserable, starving, unable to finish a meal with her husband sat right beside her merrily chomping away, not sleeping, not getting a minute 'off' whilst her man is always going out. I think whilst we're agreeing how we'd like things to be (and obviously I'm not a complete idiot, I know we can't always get what we want!) he's subconsciously following the path set by his friends as the path that we will follow.

Am I setting myself up for massive disappointment? Will I be greasy and unwashed and starving hungry for the first year? Will I have any energy to go for walks with our DD to get some exercise?

Ok, I meant DH feeding me in the sense of him doing all the cooking/leaving me sandwiches etc. not as in physically spooning stuff into my mouth!

I have an 18 month old and a 3 month old. I shower daily. I sit and eat a proper meal each evening, always have done.

It is totally doable providing you are well post-birth and have a "get up and attack it attitude"

The only thing I struggle to do is do my hair, but that is only because it is really long so I just tie it back....need a shorter easier style!

Its all too easy to sit in and do nothing all day. I push myself to get out and about each day.

Babies (newborns) do not need constant entertaining...give yourself a break...let them sleep and then you can still do lots and lots!

Be a feminist - this is your best starting piont for a fair and reasonable life. Hopefully you did not marry a sexist man.

Secondly I went back to wrok when the babies were 2 weeks and expressed milk. That ensures fairness at home.

Thirdly make sure your husband is the one to collect the child from childcare or let the nanny go home each day.

Fourthly don't expect help but instead divide jobs up - mine did 100% of the washing for example to such an extent that at times I did not know how to work the machine. I did other tasks. Don't necessarily share them but divide them.

Make sure you get time off at the weekend - eg he may look afte the child alone all day on Saturday except when you're feeding and you do on Sunday (or half days).

I got up in the night mostly in year 1 because of breastfeeding so he did the next 3 years which evened out - none of ours slept too well at night even up to age 4.

Every single time there is even one element of sexism stamp it out right away.

We also had an agreement that is the nanny etc did n9ot work out he would give up work (ultimately I earned 10x what he did ).

never ever sacrifice any career. If any of you has to let it be the man. Working women have muchbetter lives. Money makes like much easier.

Make sure he is involved in and even interviews nannies, childminders etc. Childcare is a parental issue never a mother's issue alone.

OP don't plan ahead too much. You'll find ways around things. The first few weeks can be awful but you will get through and find ways to cope and amaze yourself. I have 2 DC (4 and 13m) and like others, can't believe how much free time I had with my first :)

There will be days you don't get a shower in the morning but you can get one at night or the afternoon when the baby naps (I used to take the monitor in with me and put it where I could see it). There will be days you won't be dressed at midday and where you feel like shite. But equeally there will be days when everything goes to plan. There are no rules - each family ends up doing what works best for them. My DD is a total mummy's girl, my DS would happily trade me for a banana. Only I could settle DD, DS doesn't care who it is - the cat works just as well as me or DH.

No expectations = no sense of failure if it doesn't work. Enjoy it, you'll be fine.

Meant to say, DD had awful colic 2-12 weeks so I spent much of my evening meals holding her as I ate. Invest in a soft, stretchy sling which will help if you find you want to do stuff while your baby sleeps on you. I had a Close sling and a Moby sling and with my DS I was able to hoover whilst he slept in it. I also did a 3 mile sponsored walk with him in it.

I have a ten month old, and I don't think it's that the mother-daughter relationship is the 'important one', it's just that it is different to the father-daughter one. What I mean is - my daughter is going through the delightful separation anxiety bit, and when she is anxious she only wants mummy to calm her. However, that in no way means that if I am out of the house she doesn't have a perfectly lovely time with daddy. I don't see that I'm more important than him - just that she has it in her head that I am better at comforting her. Daddy on the other hand is for far better things such as blowing raspberries and tickling :)

My DH had two weeks off work when she was born and when we went back we fell into the routine of him having time with her when he got him from work - to bond and to give me a break. He starts work really early and so he gets home at 5pm and this worked out nicely. He still does this now and he also bathes her at weekends.

We also booked her on Water Babies classes quite early on and he did these with her on the weekend, while I took her to yoga during the week.

I spend more time with her than he does but we can do exactly the same thing to make her laugh and he will get the strongest reaction! Daddies and their daughters...:)

This thread takes me back to when I was PG with DD1 - I spent loads of time making spreadsheets - figuring it all out.

Sharing a bath is a nice way to bond when they're small - not so much once they're 8 months old and all the want to do is poke your nipples and try to use your legs to climb out! So dad and baby can have a nice soap-free bath together.

Agree with PP - just leave them alone. Go out for a jog if you like exercise (or a cuppa in the garden like I did) for 30 minutes, and just leave them to it. I find it works best if I can't hear them at all.

Agree with another PP - sharing the work isn't about you both feeding/doing night shifts/bathing baby etc. It's about doing the same amount of work, but different tasks.

For example, my OH works long hours, so I never expected him to do night shifts. But, he does most of the cooking (6 out of 7 nights a week mostly!), and I do things like the laundry and washing dishes.

Better off not knowing, is worse in retrospect.

Try and go with the flow a bit. The first days are hard. If you dont get out of your pjs for the first week it doesnt mean you've failed and its not permanent. By week 6 your baby will be completely different, by 10 weeks he/she will be different again with different needs.

I have a baby that cries on cue as soon I sit down to eat. How does she know? I soon learned that eating with one hand while BF DD was much more pleasent for me than handing her DH and hearing her cry which left me feeling rushed and flustered. So I dont get to eat my meals two handed anymore and DH does but its not a competition, who's working harder? Do what works best for you at the time.

DH does other things such as laundry, school runs etc and is hands on with baby whenever he can be, but his involvement increased as DS got older. He's great at homework and teaching reading. We each have different skills and play to these, so I may work harder during the newborn phase but he spends more time with DS than I do now he's 6.

I am sure your DH will fall in love with his baby and want to care for him/her as much as you do.

visualise I had to stop having a bath with my little boy when he was about 4 months old, he just saw my boobies as some kind of bath-based buffet! So DH did most of the in-bath bathing (until DS started to be a bit more mobile and he felt his crown jewels were in danger of being squashed :-)

DH enjoyed baths with DS, until 5 month old DS leaned forward and grabbed a fist full of pubes. DH about hit the roof

As long as you're kind to each other and both see the baby as your responsibility, you'll probably be just fine.

The problems come if men just don't see the baby as their responsibility or if they don't recognise that their wife's workload just exploded, and carry on like before with no regard for her. Unfortunately unsupportive partners like this are fairly common :( which might be where you've got this impression from that it's difficult to eat and stay washed etc. It's not hard as long as you're happy to tag-team it a bit.

I haven't read the whole thread but everyone on it seems to have found showering simple! Some days I didn't manage one til DH got back from work but DD wouldn't latch on for weeks so I was pumping whenever she was sleeping. And when she awoke and wasn't being carried by me standing up she sobbed. So things might not go as planned but you'll get through it and a year on it all seems a bit of a blurry dream. I always got out for a walk though.

cheshiresplat- I didn't find showering easy and often went a couple of days without one. To be honest I didn't care- I wasn't going anywhere or getting sweaty in those early days.

My first baby had long naps in the moses basket and I could have a long bath but I had one baby that wouldn't be put down at all so even though she slept a lot it was always on me in a sling. Consequently I could never shower while she was asleep. When she was awake she wanted to be held all the time for the first few months of life.

However, it quickly got better and I could put her in a bouncy chair in the bathroom.

I was lucky that DD slept between her feeds, so I found it very easy to shower, even if it wasn't until 10am, I always had a shower. then we walked to the shops every day, so got fresh air that way.

I didnt get on with bf, so bottle feeding made life easier in some ways as she slept between feeds rather than endlessly feeding. It also meant that XH got up and fed her on Friday and Saturday nights, when he didn't have to work the next day.

I know that every baby is different, but the main thing is not to be too precious over it. If your baby is safe and cannot come to any harm, then there is no reason at all why you cant have a shower and do normal daily things.

Crikey, haven't read all of the posts but there were definitely days when I didn't shower!! And I certainly wouldn't have even considered getting up earlier than I needed to in order to have time to straighten my hair!! I was sooooo tired, although I did have twins in my defence that I breastfed so it was quite exhausting.

OP - go with the flow - you will naturally find a way that works for you and your H. He might enjoy bathtime / bedtime if you've fed the baby, whatever works for you. Its all quite a shock and even if you have the best of intentions before the baby arrives, you will often just find yourselves muddling through. If you do end up in your PJs in the afternoon, eating one handed, just go wiith it until you find your feet. Good luck!

Haven't read the thread (sorry but I must go to bed! I'll read it in the morning I promise!)

I didn't have a hot cup of tea for about 3 months after DS was born! These were cups made by other people - they'd make them and they'd be cold by the time I got time to drink them.

When the baby is young, they need you all the time. They want to feed lots. People will talk to you about "sleeping through" but the reality is very few babies sleep through the night when they're little (or even till they're toddlers for many of them!)

Babies bring with them all sorts of logistical challenges: even the simplest things now take some consideration to get right (having a shower, popping to the shops - what do you do with the baby?! The answer for me: baby in the bouncer for the shower, I talked to him while I showered. Baby in the sling fro the local shops.)

A decent sling makes a world of difference. Some babies love to be held. If you have a sling you can still do stuff while keeping you baby close to you. It helps them regulate their breathing too. Get a sling like a wrap around (spreads the weight for you and the baby). Avoid the popular Baby Bjorn type slings - they're bad for you and your baby (not ergonomically designed. The baby's weight is on their crotch, not great for growing bones. Not great design for your back either).

The worst thing for me was that I mourned my old life. During the first day I was at home with DD, I was wrestling with bf, sore bits and generally consumed with baby,whilst DH took photos of a beautiful sunset. Says it all really.

Saying that he was really good with the first one, not so much with DD2. Now I do everything, and I mean everything. This is because he can be away for two weeks at a time. I have warned him this time, that it is likely that the house will go to pot as I will need to grab some time just for me.

I remember so well from when my dd was born - it took me weeks to be able to make it to a mums and baby group that started at 10.30am. I met a Mum there with older children and she was laughing knowingly (in a nice way!) about how it didn't matter - i.e. if I was late to a baby group, no problem. If she was late getting her older dcs to school for 9am - bit more of a problem. I struggled for ages to get showered, dressed, dishes done, and the sense of achievement when I put the washing machine on!! Six years later I have four dcs under the age of six, the most recent being 3 months old, and we all have to be showered, breakfasted, dressed and out of the house by 8am, and dh doesn't help because he has to be in work early. It is surprising what you can manage with a routine.

In the very early days it is helpful to have someone hold the baby while you have a shower, but after a week or so you get more knowledgeable about the best times to try it (i.e. when they seem to be napping) or they'll lie on their gym or sit in their bouncer while you get ready.

In terms of eating, I've become more practised at just carrying on with everything that needs doing while holding/breastfeeding a baby. Whereas with my first I had to wait and try to schedule things in between feeds and naps, and made myself incredibly anxious trying to do this, now I manage the school/nursery runs, shopping, cooking etc by just taking baby along, and she'll sit on my knee while I eat one handed, or she'll feed while I'm Mumsnetting busy with something else...

Its hard to say how to organise things with your dp. My dh and I have spent a lot of time over the last six years arguing about who has it worst - I get the do the night feeds, am with the dcs constantly, have to manage the house which wasn't really a job when the two of us worked full-time but is a major enterprise now there's a family of six. Cooking, cleaning and washing plus food shopping and organising all the miscellaneous stuff like car servicing, boiler repairs, households stuff - takes so much longer than I'd ever imagined. Whereas dh has so much more work to do, and does different things around the house. He does ironing for example. We used to share cooking but I find it just messes things up when one person comes along and starts doing things differently and uses all your ingredients up and makes a mess not that I'm a control freak Anyway, we've stopped the circular argument now and agree that its hard work for both of us!!

Agree that its really good to get out - take baby for a walk, and make yourself go to the local shops or whatever. Often you don't really 'need' anything, but you feel so much better for being out and on your way rather than feeling your fighting a battle to get out constantly! Good luck op it will all be ok.

Much depends on what kind of baby you get. If you get one that feeds well, is and quickly, is relatively easy to put down, sleeps for a good 45 mins/hr each time and longer through the night, and is happy to sit and watch you in a bouncy chair for 20 mins or so, then it will be relatively easy. You will be able to get all sorts of stuff done while he/she is asleep or gurgling in bouncy chair/play gym. Your baby will probably be content to go out in the pram meaning you can get out and about, get a bit of exercise and fresh air, have a coffee with friends etc. If the baby isnt feeding too frequently you will be able to set off out after a feed knowing that he will be OK for a couple of hours. Altogether the whole thing is quite easy and fun (although life changing of course).

On the other hand you may find it difficult to BF or your baby may want to feed for 45 mins plus each time, and may howl as soon as you try to put her down (even though she appeared to be out for the count). She may only be happy attached to you in a sling. She may have colic and scream all evening. She may only sleep for 90 mins at a time through the night. If you have this kind of baby then you will feel like you are going insane through constant feeding and sleep deprivation, you will struggle to find time to eat and shower, and getting out of the house will be difficult because you will worry that she will scream and want to keep feeding rather than be in the pram. You will feel lonely and isolated.

See what I mean? So much depends on what sort of baby you get. I've had two - my DS was like baby 1, my DD much more like baby 2 (though not quite so bad). Thank god, DD came first - not sure how I could have managed DD if I had a 2.5 year old too!

My advice is:

• whatever kind of baby you have, it WILL settle down with time. By 2 or 3 months even the most challenging baby will be getting easier.

• parent the baby you actually have, not the one you think you should have. If you have a velcro baby who wants to feed all the time, just go with it. Let her sleep in bed with you, carry her in a sling AND TRUST THAT SHE WILL GROW OUT OF IT. If you try and force this kind of baby to be apart from you or wait for feeds you will only cause huge amounts of stress to both of you.

• unless you have a very difficult baby, newborns are actually rather easy - they feed, sleep and are very portable. You don't have to spoon feed them. They can't crawl around and kill themselves or get in a fight with their sister. If you have a second baby you will probably wonder what you found so challenging about it first time round! But with your first, the newborn feels so very very overwhelming because the whole experience is such a massive psychological and emotional adjustment in your life. By the time you have no.2, this adjustment has already been made and it just doesn't seem like such a massive shock to the system.

Good luck - it's a lovely ride (if a bit bumpy at times!)

It's a mistake to assume DP will see what needs done or mindread what you want him to do or how exhausted you are on any day.

And don't ask him to do stuff as if he is doing you a favour. Tell him what needs done and leave him to it.

Getting out of earshot, as suggested above, sounds a great idea.

Bumpsadaisie you are absolutely and completely spot-on. I couldn't have put it better. My DD was like baby 2 (but worse) and I found the first few months extremely hard - and largely shower-free. DC2 is due in less than 3 weeks and I am REALLY hoping for a baby 1, but if not... what can you do? At least second time round you know that you will come out of it alive eventually... probably

I had a very easy baby, now a fun toddler! From day 1 she woke only once or twice a night for a quick feed and dropped off to sleep again. Napped like a dream during the day. So I managed to shower, clean house, keep normality ticking over nicely. I fund energy to go out, have friends over. DH helped with nights on weekends, when stopped BF, and has always been hands on. In the early days we had tough evenings of "colic" between 6 and 9 pm sometimes up to 11pm. We shared this hell, skipping meals, or whatever was needed. Do not set your heart on planning everything now, go with the flow. babies are all different, you can have one with reflux, or just a bad sleeper, or anything at all. I know the few nights of teething we had which resulted in no sleep didn't exactly make me feel energised for showers etc.