Expectations for your child's first year.

[purrpurr]

Hi all

After some discussion with my DH, I'd like to ask: what are your expectations for your child's first year? Do you have any? Have you and your DH discussed sharing any particular duties, or trying to keep in place any particular long-running routines you have that you feel may still be beneficial when getting used to having a baby in the house?

I would really like to keep my morning shower, I'd like to be able to finish a meal if my DH is in the house to assist with the baby, and I'd like to share night time work on the weekends later on when/if I'm no longer breast feeding. So essentially I am trying to say in advance, I don't want to be a greasy sweaty mess every day. I want to be able to grab 7 minutes every morning to have a quick shower so my hair doesn't remain plastered to my scalp all day, attractive though that may be... I want us to share the care of our DD at evenings and weekends.

I thought we'd talked about this already and agreed lots of things, but as my due date starts to get nearer, it appears our expectations are growing miles apart. I think he's looking at how his friends have done the first year - the woman, always dishevelled, greasy, miserable, starving, unable to finish a meal with her husband sat right beside her merrily chomping away, not sleeping, not getting a minute 'off' whilst her man is always going out. I think whilst we're agreeing how we'd like things to be (and obviously I'm not a complete idiot, I know we can't always get what we want!) he's subconsciously following the path set by his friends as the path that we will follow.

Am I setting myself up for massive disappointment? Will I be greasy and unwashed and starving hungry for the first year? Will I have any energy to go for walks with our DD to get some exercise?

Well I have a half baked idea of attempting to express from around 2 months onwards, with the idea being (like I say, half baked idea) that she could have a mix of breast and bottle feeding, with DH doing the bottle part of it. I have no idea if this will work or not, but all I can do is give it a go. I've been reading stuff all over the place and two things are common regardless of where it's read - Mumsnet or books on parenting - 1) The sooner a baby is introduced to a bottle, the easier it is long term and 2) the sooner the partner/husband begins settling the baby to sleep, the better it is for the family.

No doubt the reality of the situation will put these ideas to bed permanently but there's no harm in thinking about the different ways of doing things.

Our baby is nearly 3 weeks old and I haven't missed any showers! As I had a c-section, it would have been a bad idea to do without. I did find it took ages to get dressed in the first week though because so many bits of you are sore and all the special clothes (nursing bra and pads, mesh knickers so san towel adheres to places it shouldn't, anti-DVT stockings AARGH!) One tip is to get everything you need ready - undies, clothes, towel, medications - and put it ready in the bathroom, as another feature of the early days is random people wandering around the house...also rinse stuff like bras the minute you take them off and hang on radiator to dry so you've got a clean one. As regards eating, our newborn has an uncanny ability to sense when we've dished up dinner and start screaming, but you and DH can take it in turns to eat. It will not do LO any harm to sit on your lap while you nosh either, nor to cry for a minute or two while you finish eating.

As regards the bf, I think you are v. sensible to manage your DH's expectations. I couldn't do it, but if you do you need him to fetch and carry for you, bring snacks and generally cheerlead.

We didn't plan or discuss anything before our DC's were born. It never crossed my mind. We dealt with things as we went along. My DH has always been a hands on Dad and a decent bloke so If I was struggling I would have expected him to help.

There are so many variables, I am not sure you could plan for all eventualities and if you are already pregnant it is too late.

It's not necessarily about having the time to have a shower, but the energy. If you have a baby who doesn't sleep well and you have been up all night and are shattered then as your DH gets up the baby has finally nodded off, you've got the choice of shower or sleeping, then trust me, a shower won't seem so urgent.

noble absolutely, but if that's happening long term then we have a nocturnal situation going on, in which case I'll have to shower at 4 in the morning... I am simply not prepared to go days/weeks without washing. But then, I have never been one of those types happy to pop to the shops with hair practically swimming in its own grease, so I guess I would prioritise it.

Doodles I'm glad not planning or discussing anything worked out for you. We tried to conceive this baby and were successful, so I wouldn't deem it as too late. We're planning and discussing people so to not do so would have been to implement a ban on speaking/emailing/texting since August. I have no doubt that most of what I've read will go out the window due to tiredness, stress, potentially anxiety, but it helps us both to have the illusion of being prepared! :)

Er, why would you be more likely to prioritise a shower over sleep at 4am than 7am?

It depends on the baby sometimes too. My first two were happy to be in the moses basket or bouncy chair watching me shower, my third was an entirely different matter, and after my other children this came as a big shock. She would SCREAM as soon as I put her down, anywhere at any time, and she wouldn't stop until I picked her up again. Sometimes it really was just easier to skip the shower and stress.

I have to say, purrpurr that you are sounding a teensy bit judgemental of those who don't prioritise a shower or not looking dishevelled.

I had a baby who by 4 months only slept for 45 minutes at a time. Then he would wake up and cry and need settling. A lot of that time he would need feeding as he needed feeding every 2 hours until he was 7 months old. He would vomit if you tried to 'fill him up to go longer' and wouldn't entertain a bottle or a dummy, so don't think these things are an automatic solution, btw. As he only slept for 45 minutes, I wasn't sleeping at all. My days were spent in a zombie-like state and all I could think about was sleep. If someone, at that point, had looked me up and down and said 'gosh you look a bit dishevelled, you need to prioritise yourself had sort it out' they might well have ended up regretting it.

So until you've been there, you really can't say what your priority might be.

Most of the people replying have had babies that nap in a bouncy chair/cot etc. Mine didn't. He slept 45 mins at a time overnight maximum. Didn't sleep at all except on me for the first few months. I tried everything. DH was going through denial and was useless.
Yes I showered, everyday, but it was always with a screaming baby waiting for me to finish so it was a 2 minute job and hair about once a week. Don't underestimate the effect your own baby's cry will have on you emotionally. Food wise, I learned to eat one handed and often resorted to fingers. I had a tricky baby though and what I'm saying is, it's ok not to feel as in control as you thought you might. And it's ok to find that getting time for a shower is stressful. And trust me, you will not be showering at 4am, you'll be grabbing survival sleep!
I was/am a hugely organised professional older mum. Read all the books and thought I'd got it sussed. Knew it would be hard and tiring but everyone else copes...... I had no idea what tired was.
DS is now 2.5, is wonderful, well behaved (most of the time!), polite, loving and has slept through since 7-8 months. So it is a finite length of hell. But do not underestimate the difficulties some babies bring with them, and it really is nature just as much as nurture. A friend had 2 dc who were textbook babies, claimed all fab parenting, then had dc3 who was much like my DS, had to eat some v humble pie!
It's worth it, really is, every minute. BUT please don't set too high an expectation of yourself, and don't look down on those women who clearly haven't washed their hair for a week. It could just as easily be you.

Hah missing nearly identical cross posts! High five for also surviving a nightmare sleeper!

Can I just repeat myself, and explain perhaps what 'nocturnal' means so the implications of a 4am shower would be clearer... If the baby will be up all night and I will be sleeping all day, then if we are being nocturnal, I may wedge in a shower at an unsociable hour. I would not be prioritising a shower over sleep. Obviously this has all become rather confused. Perhaps it was the use of an unfamiliar word that did it.

noble It's a shame you feel I am coming across as judgemental. That was not my intention.

Right back at you!

Purr purr, it won't be nocturnal though, it'll be 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. If the baby doesn't sleep at night it doesn't mean they sleep during the day sadly!! Yes newborns sleep a lot, but it can be in 5-10 min stretches and the may wake the moment you try to put them down. You won't get any daytime sleep if you get a non-sleeper. You'll just exist.

I will be sleeping all day

Honestly, one day you'll look back on that comment and laugh.

I would try not to set your expectations too firmly prior to having your baby - you really can't know how you will feel, how your baby will be, and how your H will react.

I don't know anyone who has walked around dishevelled just because they've got a baby and however hard it might be, 15 minutes for a shower, is unlikely to be unfeasible at any point - certainly after you have settled into the routine of it in the first couple of weeks - and for those weeks your DH is likely to be off on paternity leave anyway so can watch the baby while you shower if need be. I already have two children and can guarantee I won't be doing the school run at 8.45am not having had a shower. If I don't have time to wash my hair I use dry shampoo which is magic - I certainly wouldn't walk around "swimming in grease" and have never seen anyone in that situation.

I do think you are not wise to try and push your DH into making commitments to things now. Men do not automatically always have the same sort of bond to a baby as women and IMO if you push this it is likely to make things worse rather than better. My experience is that it is better to keep on top of things yourself and negotiate additional help from him if you need it - rather than setting an expectation. I never had any problem getting help from my DH as he was desperate to spend time with the kids as babies (and still is now) but he wasn't always available - when I had my second he was working much longer hours which meant he couldn't always do as much as might have been ideal. I also didnt want him to feel that he couldn't have his own time out at weekends (again in my experience this is something men seem to have a greater need for than women).

Just play it by ear. Don't worry about the shower as I can't imagine you won't be able to do that - nor to be unable to finish a meal. But I wouldn't start insisting on what you are expecting from your dH now as it may start resentment building which is the last thing you want.

I think I'll take away from this thread that most normal people have managed to shower regularly whilst they've had a small child. That's all I really needed to hear. I'm not setting myself up for failure to at least want that to happen, and I don't think I'm building up any resentment. Picking up sentences and choosing tiny little bits to quote quite out of context is irrelevant and rather pointless, but I guess commenting on Mumsnet is free, so go ahead... I got what I needed earlier on, which was support and reassurance.

I have zero exceptions but hoping my husband is not going to all of a sudden have a personality transplant and be completely different and still carry on doing the things he does now like the dishes, running me a bath at night, laundry etc. and then the extra responsibilities that comes with having a baby.

We have always managed to successfully divide responsibilities so neither of us feel hard done by (for instance he thinks a magical fairy delivers food to the house every week and makes his dinners and lunches etc)

I suppose my expectation is that he would be like he is now? Not selfish and care about my needs and the baby that will be here in a couple of weeks. If he was a bit selfish and self involved to start off with (not that I would be with him anyways) then I would have expected him to be this way too when the baby arrived.

Erm, I'm sorry that you seem to have somehow been offended by people posting experiences that you don't want to hear.

But I think it is quite important to press on you that if you don't get decent sleep at night, that doesn't mean you'll get decent sleep in the day. I think that is an unrealistic expectation and while you may get a wonderful sleeper, it is a very rare baby (especially if you're bfing) who will give you much continuous sleep at all in the first few weeks. And that may well turn into months.
Yes, you will probably get to have a wash regularly, but I really, really doubt it will be at 4am.

I have to agree a bit with noblegiraffe - my baby is all told an easy baby, but I can definitely see, from the bad days we have had, just how difficult this lark would be if your baby was more like that described by some other posters. I am beginning to find out that my baby, at least, sleeps well at night if she's slept well in the day, but if she's been up all day she's rubbish at night, which means she doesn't sleep the next day... the cycle continues.

Lots of babies allow their mothers to shower daily and eat meals. Some babies don't. It's worth trying to prepare yourself for either kind, and not have too many assumptions/preconceptions about which sort you'll end up with.

Some of you are giving the OP a hard time. Remember what it's like before you have your DC - you don't know what to expect and the OP is just trying to prepare as best she can.

OP - as you said, you feel reassured that you will make it to the shower each day now, which I'm sure you will be able to do whatever the case. Yes, if you have a baby who doesn't like to be put down or is a bad sleeper, it may be tough for a short while but don't worry, you'll figure it out and find a way. As for all the rest, it's the same story. If things don't go quite to your expectations and plans now - and again, I'm sure there will be things that won't - you'll work through and find a way. Don't worry about DH bonding, if he's a good guy it will be fine and just sort of naturally happens.

Hope that helps and good luck with it all!

I think, OP, what some are saying is you really can't plan to the level you're trying to. Events have a habit of jumping out of the woodwork at you. I'm sure as showering is so very important to you, you will achieve this (my DS had a sixth sense wrt to me showering ). As you say, you'll find you have to prioritise.

I think what some posters are trying to do is prepare you for the fact that, when it comes down to it, sleeping is priority No.1. You may have a great napper though .

nBut even if you've prioritised showering, there will be other things you will just have to let go. eUnxpected things that could happen: you may find is that DH does/doesn't do things you expected he would. You may find you really are attached boob-to-baby 24/7 in the early days. You may find home cooked meals where everyone sits down for 20mins a wild thing you did BC (Before Children). You may think SIDS advice is all great but co-sleeping really helps you get a bit more sleep so the little increase of risk is worth it. You may find your relationship with DH takes unexpected turns in ways you never imagined.

Planning to some extent prepares your brain for the new arrival and I think that's great. Beware the downside though, that when one (or more) of your well-prepared things hasn't worked out, it could create a big disappointment for you/your partner (remember there are also his expectations of you as a mother - my DH was in shock for several months about how much I'd changed in the early baby days, it was a real strain and surprise for us both - even though we have a rock-solid marriage).

I have to say my DH pulled his weight the minute our son was born, he had tears in his eyes at the delivery and was immediately smitten.

I breastfed and didn't express, so was keen that he was involved in bathtimes, changing nappies, etc, as was he. Our son was very colicky for the first 3 months and required lots of jiggling/carrying during the night for hours at a time, and those were the times that the support really kicks in. There were times we'd actually both be sweating with the exertion of carrying the little lump about (babies seem to light when you first pick them up, but by gosh, they get heavy really quickly!)

Often after I'd fed him, my DH would burp him so that way we shared in the feeding.

In fact, much to my chagrin my DS smiled at my DH weeks before he would smile for me (I was much put out!) so the bonding clearly worked both ways!

I managed to put on a washing every day (my main priority) and got showered most days too (not getting showered occassionally never bothered me personally - I'm a bit of a slob at heart :-D ) I didn't always shower in the morning, often it was afternoon (tbh, I often wasn't up until 12 noon most days as my DS would be awake for hours during the night when newborn, but there are always opportunities later in the day), but I did have time to do it.

And I always got out for a walk in the pram for fresh air (it does make you feel so much better).

Food, I would say my DS always seemed to want breastfed whenever I sat down to a plate of food, but you learn to shovel it away really fast (or DH would try and pacify him until I'd shovelled it away) and sometimes (if you're in alone with the baby) you just have lukewarm food, or I used to make greek salads (I love them!) and it didn't matter if they went cold.

My DH also used to leave sandwiches made up for me in the fridge, so that during the day you could get food easily (a godsend in the early days) and again, doesn't matter if baby wants fed when you start eating.

As people have said, newborn babies do have lots of naps during the day so you will have more time than you think, people always told me to nap during those times, but I preferred to eat or do email!

I think it is easy to say not to plan, but when you are pg and facing the great unknown, with people saying 'You'll never sleep/shower again', it is a way of attempting to regain control of the scariness. Can't blame OP for that!

I think some people have gone off subject a bit here, I don't think OP was saying "I won't have time for a shower or to eat a meal and I will be a sweaty mess" I think (correct me if I am wrong OP) what she was actually saying was "am I being unrealistic to expect the baby's father to help me out at weekends and at evenings so I can have 5 minutes to myself!". And my answer to that is, no not at all. Just because you are the mother, that does not mean that you should be the only one tired and the only one taking care of the child. My other half works full time, but he will still be expected to help me out and give me a bit of a break at weekends and in the evenings! It is his child, so just as much his responsibility as mine! (Gosh I wish I knew the sex then I could stop saying "it" lol).

I shower in the evenings, not in the morning, so the shower thing won't be a problem as OH will be around to take care of the baby when I am doing that. And if I want half an hour to have a bath then he will just have to look after the baby for half an hour! And I will be going back to my dancing class for an hour a week, just as my OH will be mountain biking one evening a week and no doubt playing golf some Saturday mornings still! I'm not just gonna put my life on hold because I will have a child. That is the whole point in being in a relationship and having a child together - working together and compromising. Granted, I will no doubt be knackered, but I'm still gonna try and keep my hobbies alive once my body has recovered from childbirth :)

I found with my son that things like showering and getting up through the night just worked themselves out quite quickly. It might be more realistic to discuss and note down what else needs done round the house.

For example, my hubby works full time, but would come in and do the days assigned chores if I hadn't got them done through the day. Such as Monday vacuum upstairs, Tuesday clean bathrooms etc...

We also found that sometimes he would come in and be handed a baby if I was fed up, while I did the chores.

This helped us keep our sanity and our house clean, and meant we could do the fun things like baths together.

Good luck