Expectations for your child's first year.

[purrpurr]

Hi all

After some discussion with my DH, I'd like to ask: what are your expectations for your child's first year? Do you have any? Have you and your DH discussed sharing any particular duties, or trying to keep in place any particular long-running routines you have that you feel may still be beneficial when getting used to having a baby in the house?

I would really like to keep my morning shower, I'd like to be able to finish a meal if my DH is in the house to assist with the baby, and I'd like to share night time work on the weekends later on when/if I'm no longer breast feeding. So essentially I am trying to say in advance, I don't want to be a greasy sweaty mess every day. I want to be able to grab 7 minutes every morning to have a quick shower so my hair doesn't remain plastered to my scalp all day, attractive though that may be... I want us to share the care of our DD at evenings and weekends.

I thought we'd talked about this already and agreed lots of things, but as my due date starts to get nearer, it appears our expectations are growing miles apart. I think he's looking at how his friends have done the first year - the woman, always dishevelled, greasy, miserable, starving, unable to finish a meal with her husband sat right beside her merrily chomping away, not sleeping, not getting a minute 'off' whilst her man is always going out. I think whilst we're agreeing how we'd like things to be (and obviously I'm not a complete idiot, I know we can't always get what we want!) he's subconsciously following the path set by his friends as the path that we will follow.

Am I setting myself up for massive disappointment? Will I be greasy and unwashed and starving hungry for the first year? Will I have any energy to go for walks with our DD to get some exercise?

FWIW I did not have an easy baby and we didn't have a routine, but I still managed to fit in time for a shower every day... sometimes it would even be me and DS having a bath together when we put him to bed. Especially in the early days

And yes to the impact sleep can have on your life. DS still isn't sleeping through, though has vastly improved recently. This also means that I just don't have the energy a) to do sport/go out with friends/etc. and b) care that I don't have the energy!

Once in a while DS will sleep 8 or 9 hours straight and the difference for me is just huge. I get a glimpse of what other people's lives are like!

I think part of the dishevelled Mum thing is your concept of time can radically alter especially in the first month or 2 (and even more so with winter babies when it's dark nearly all the time anyway). It did for me anyway. And it's OK - it's completely different but perfectly OK. Structured 9-5/routines etc are necessary when you are going out to work. Not necessary on maternity leave with a newborn.

I didn't put any pressure on myself to do XY or Z - I just gave myself over to new baby & BF, and I fed on demand so didn't look at imposing any kind of routine at all until about 2.5 months when I started with a gentle bed time routine.

So I would get the shower/hair washed etc, but sometimes that would happen at 4pm, or 2am or whenever esp in the early weeks.

I know this way isn't everyone's cup of tea but it worked for me with baby1. We had to have a little more of a routine with baby2 but she was a huge sleeper and much easier than baby1 anyway, so she was more inclined to be in a routine herself.

I do recall not being able to go to the shops with DD1 for about a week. I couldn't figure out how to work the pushchair - eventually I just used a sling :) Seems like a ridiculous thing to say now, but it was a real experience at the time.

baby in car seat or bouncer in bathroom while you shower works really well. If you can get a shower in before DP leaves for the day, even better.

Getting out for a big walk daily is essential for everyones sanity and well being IMO.

purrpurr if you are into exercises, check out any postnatal exercise groups in your area. We have buggy fit, aerobics, toning (with baby as weight) and yoga, and I went to all of them. I prefer exercise baby groups then singing or sitting in a community hall. I started with the yoga as soon as I was cleared by the GP at my postnatal check (I think that's 6 weeks). And then slowly work up to the others.

OneLittleToddlingTerror That's a really good idea, gonna have to look into that when baby's here! :)

OneLittleToddling - I also did baby yoga! Fun :) Going to try buggy fit with no. 2 who should be along in the summer. But if timetabled classes aren't your thing, def agree with PartTimeModel about getting out for a good long walk with the buggy every day, to the park or a browse in the shops or whatever

purrpurr I don't think you can think that far ahead. The first few weeks it is good to have some sort of backup plan - ie: dh makes meals and brings you a cup of tea first thing in the mornings sort of back up plan, and that you aren't necessarily going to have much of an evening, where baby is tucked up by 7.30

But otherwise, I think you are setting yourself up for a fall if you try and plan everything so minutely. The baby arrives. Your life has completely changed. You respond to the events as they unfold, with a modicum of common sense and loads of love. How can your Dh not get involved, if he has a grain of interest in his own child and concern for you? Of course he will be giving a few baths, holding the baby whilst you have a shower, taking the baby out for the odd every errand in the pram. If you let him. You may feel you don't want to let the baby out of your sight. That is quite a natural emotion in first days, and explains why loads of women don't bother so much with getting smartened up, and most of their routines go out the window, or the things they cared about... For a short time. Then you adapt. New routines maybe, new joys. It is not a competition. Slowly you work out what is important. For some people that might be just to get out, talk to someone, have a baby who isn't crying continuously, whatever that takes!!!

My advice is: loads of wash and wear clothes, which look smart without trying. Perfect the "natural look" which doesn't have to be leggings and teeshirt.Self respect but not perfectionism.

When people tell you they "can't get anything done" they are really expressing the strangeness of this new world, not that it is BAD, just that all the signposts are different. Please stop worrying,and just enjoy this stage, when you are still pregnant, for its own sake. Plan to have everything easier after birth in terms of functional living (furniture set up to be comfy, feeding chair, where is baby going to hang out most of the day, and you too, declutter etc) but everything else...well you don't know how things are going to turn out. Comfy sofa, floor space, easy clean kitchen, where to go for walks with pram pushchair with minimum effort, who your new mum network is going to be...those are things to work out now.

My advice would be the same as others have said. Get rid of any expectations...the way your lives will change will vary hugely from anyone else's because your baby is an individual and will need exactly what he or she needs, and until the day of the birth noone knows what that will be.

With DD I WAS a greasy exhausted mess for much of the first six months because DD wanted me, and only me every minute of the day. Wheras DS was happy no matter who he was with and our lives returned to normal very quicky, despite an emcs slowing me down for the first couple of weeks.

DH and I had SO MANY expectations before our first dc, that she would fit in with our routine, that life wouldn't have to change too much, and we saw so many people for whom this was true, as their babies seemed very laid bacand that when it turned out to be very different for us we were both floored. the endless wondering 'where we'd gone wrong' (WE hadn't, she was just a very needy girl) and comparison with others led to us both feeling like miserable failures for the first few months...which would have been avoided if we'd just expected chaos from the outset and accepted her for who she was rather than trying (and failing) to make her a baby like those we saw or read about. :o

Just to say though, that I now wouldn't have had it any other way. it taught me a lot, about myself as well as how to be a parent, and it think I'm a much nicer person for having experienced it and come out the other side, and DD? She's an incredible, intelligent, amazing girl who makes me burst with pride every day!

A lot depends on various factors - what type of delivery you have, what 'type' of baby you have, whether you have visitors popping in e.g. family members who work shifts coming in for a cup of tea.

My first baby (DD) was a very frequent feeder but my second (DS) was 2 months early and only fed for 5 minutes every 3 hours for months. As a result, I was much better turned out second time round!

I also had forceps with DD and it's only looking back now that I realise just how long it took me to recover - it was a major achievement for me to get off the sofa for weeks and when at a ceilidh 6 months after the birth I realised I still couldn't get myself properly off the ground during an eightsome reel!

But after DS (unassisted birth) I was on the swings and down the slide at the park with DD within days! Hence 'jumping in the shower' both practically and psychologically was much more likely second time round - even though I was having to travel into the neonatal unit twice a day every day for 3 weeks last time.

As with everything baby-related, if it's not working out don't beat yourself up if you have to revert to a Plan B for a while e.g. have a shower/wash hair/blow dry at night when DH is home. I hate doing that but I had to do it for a while to make sure we could get out the door in time for mother and baby groups in the mornings - that made me feel less isolated and like I'd acheived something with my day by at least lunchtime.

Different parts of the first year are very different from each other. The first 6 weeks are like nothing else; 4 months are completely different from 8 months.

I think you may need to train yourself to say very clearly to your dh what you need. Don't always be leaping up to do things, as you will be in the habit of when you are alone and he is at work. Get into the habit of nicely, but assertively, saying what needs to be done next (do as I say not as I do).

Babies are all different, some are much easier than others. But even if you have an easy baby, you still deserve a decent partnership with your dh, you do not have to be strung out for him to get involved. Here are some suggestions:

If you bf, share the settling afterwards (reasonably, allowing for the fact that he is going to the day job)
If you want to express, share the washing and sterilising of all the kit
Share the laundry and cooking and washing up, or better still, get him to take complete ownership of certain household tasks
If your baby sleeps late and he has to go to work before you are both up, get him to bring tea and toast in bed so you can do the first bf without getting up (you will have been up in the night bfing)
If the baby wakes up early, get him to allow 10 mins in his pre-work routine for you to get up and showered and dressed while he holds the baby (you will have been bfing in your pjs while he gets his and your breakfast ready, he gets dressed, and allows for 10 / 15 minutes to be with the baby while you get showered and dressed)
If he can get home at a reasonable hour, get him to take the baby (even if (s)he is dirty or crying, I fell into the trap of trying to sort things so only ever handing over a "nice" baby) while you either rest or fly around sorting things out for 20 minutes, whichever you need or want more
Learn baby massage and teach your dh so that he knows he can soothe the baby in that tricky evil hour of the evening, even though he has no breasts

OP, you are over thinking this. In the early days you will find time for the important stuff (like a shower) and compromise on the less important stuff (the house might not be as lovely as it is now for a while).

I've got 3 DCs, the oldest is 7 and the youngest is 6 weeks. I've had a shower, got dressed and put on make up every day since DC1 was born. When you've got a newborn you can't do those things on your terms for a while, but you still do them. Before DC3 was born I had oodles of time to get myself and the DCs ready in the morning, now it's more frantic and the timings are a bit off but i know it will pass. The older and more amenable they get, the more you can do what you want, when you want.

Being able to shower and wash my hair was of major importance to me. If I don't, I feel grotty for the rest of the day. After that, I suppose it was mostly getting a chance to eat something (pretty essential!) and as much sleep as possible.

DH used to hold the baby in the morning whilst I washed (although that meant I had to be up early of course). He made sure I had easy food for lunch in the early days and cooked each night. He didn't do night feeds as I bf, but he did do his fair share of settling (winding etc) during the night, but I tried to keep it to a minimum during the week as he was working.

All in all I would say it's hard to know until you're right there in the thick of it yourself. It IS a shock to the system, but IME a good one. Once the baby has arrived you'll work out your own way I'm sure.

Make loads of meals for the freezer now! I made huge batches of chilli, bolognese, pies, all sorts that could be portioned and frozen (you can buy packs of 20 'take-away' style boxes on eBay). That way, when OH came in from work going 'what's for tea?', if I had completely forgotten about it, I could just whip 2 portions of something out of the freezer, make up some pasta/rice/potatoes and eat. Even now, I still freeze left overs of our dinners for those days where I haven't managed to think about dinner - this does mean that sometimes one of us has spicy chicken and the other has shepard's pie!

Try to make meals that can be eaten one-handed, with a spoon or fork. Good for if you're BF, or have to stand up, bounce the baby and eat.

I'm happy to do all the night-shifts with LO, as my OH can work up to 70 hours during the week - but I always used to hand him over to dad as soon as he got in, so I could go and sit in the garden with a cuppa for 20 minutes. I used to really treasure that time.

The first year is fine. After the first 6 weeks. I spent much of those feeling like no-one could survive this.

For the first 2 weeks I couldn't sit down/walk. But DH was at home all day and kept everything going except bf.

For the first 6-8 weeks I was attached to colicy DS 24/7 and wasn't getting enough sleep, even with snuggling up to DS for "team naps" every afternoon. DH would leave me sandwiches and a cup of tea, when he got back from work he would take DS whilst I got something out of the freezer to heat for dinner. Then he'd take DS (out for a walk if necessary) so I could relax in the bath without hearing him cry. Nights were my job, but I didn't need to get up in the morning and was ebf. Even so on bad nights he would get up and take DS to sit in the "nursing" rocking chair in the nursery and let me crash out for an hour or so.

From there it got much easier, DS started sleeping though 2/3 nights. I would have a shower in his first nap rather than worrying about getting dressed straight away.

The first 10 days I found were unreal. You really don't know whats hit you! However, you blink and then you have a 1 month old, 2 month old etc. Now I have a 4 month old and a 2.5 year old.

I take them both with me into the bathroom and have a long shower. DS1 will play and DS2 likes to watch the water on the glass.

I have found as I breastfed both that I do most of the night work, but then DH works and so I really dont mind.

In the two weeks paternity leave my DH did EVERYTHING. The washing, ironing, cooking, cleaning. He kept a far better house than I did. He saw to the guests, he was just brilliant.

Sorry just want to agree with visualise. Give yourself some time alone each day when you can! For me it was 20 mins in bed with the crossword and a cup of tea. Now its mumsnet.

Funnily enough I've been talking this morning with a colleague about the 'first baby fug' that lasts the first few weeks. It can be a bit of a shock to the system how the world seems to have turned upside down to begin with, but it does settle down. It doesn't seem to be the same for subsequent babies, probably because you know what to expect, I guess.

I always had a shower, washed my hair and put on make up but where the pre-children me would have checked/touched up hair & make up regularly and put on a fully co-ordinated outfit, after DS was born I would throw on anything comfy and not look in a mirror the rest of the day - at least for the first few months. It wasn't because I'd lost self respect but because my attention was completely absorbed elsewhere - a bit like if you'd spent all day decorating or gardening you wouldn't be too worried if your make-up wasn't perfect.

In terms of sharing tasks with your DH, it pays to remember your roles are very different. I think when pg with my first I had a preconceived idea that I would be doing childcare while DH was working and at evenings and weekends it would be shared equally. My friend who had twins said she and her husband looked at it as team work, and that is a much better philosophy - each of you does the things you're best at, and it might be that at certain times the load is unequal - you just need to make sure that over time it evens out.

Some things that worked for us (but you may well be different):

• DH accepted that his job was to support me in looking after our baby and did what I asked him - sometimes that was cooking/jobs while I looked after baby, sometimes I wanted a bit of time on my own and he looked after DS while I went to hang laundry, have a bath, whatever. (It took a while for us to 'get' this one, but when we had DD it was automatic)
• DH taking DS for a walk or, when he was a bit older and not bf so frequently - to his parents' for a few hours so I could have some baby-free time.
• DH dealt with baths and night time nappy changes
• Meeting with NCT friends and signing up to baby classes - not everyone's cup of tea but after a difficult first few months with DS I found it helped massively to have a weekly routine and get out and speak to people every day.
• Reminding myself that babyhood is short, and normality will return soon enough.

Good luck with your baby. Remember it's a big life change so be easy on yourself

Lots of brilliant advice on this thread. I'm glad the general impression that I was 'obsessed' with showering went away, that was bizarre. Just to clarify, I'm not planning in any great detail, I'm not over thinking things. I asked about three things:

• Will I be able to have a wash/shower - the resounding answer has been yes. Fantastic.
• Will I be able to finish a meal if DH is in the house - the answer has been more or less yes. I'll go with the flow Monday-Friday and learn to do what it takes to get something in my stomach when it suits baby and me. Definitely no over planning there. I just wanted to make sure I was being relatively reasonable.
• I also asked another poster if there were ways I could help my daughter and my DH to bond, if anything. Not over thinking it, just wondering. Reading this back you'd think I was panicking and chewing all my nails off. The joys of the written word!

purrpurr, I think you are perfectly right to think ahead and prepare - and try to prepare your dh too.
fwiw I can't bear the expression "overthinking" - used to silence people who are airing concerns that they personally think are not important. In this context I think it is important to "overthink" your and DH's roles because the traditional ones are very unfair and might not suit you; only by unpacking it all, shaking it out and having a good look can you prepare for this

re baby & DH bonding, get him to bath her. This gives you a half hour break, and more importantly it gives the 2 of them that all important skin to skin contact, plus your DH an important responsibility with baby from very early on. Worked very well for us.

I think the best way to help your DD and DH to bond is to let them spent time alone together. That sounds silly, but especially if you're breast-feeding it is sometimes hard to drag yourself completely away and not get involved. I used to try and go upstairs for half an hour and read while DH had DD but every time I heard a cry or a moan I'd want to dash downstairs and explain what DD wanted. It can be harder than you think, but trusting your DH (who is equally as much her parent as you are) will help.

Oh, and childproofing the bathroom was the best thing we ever did I have a long shower every morning even with a cruising, curious 1yo as she just plays on the floor, safe in the knowledge that there is nothing she can break, swallow or hurt herself on.

I agree bathing is one of the best thing for bonding. Newborns usually love bathing and it's a great time for daddy to see a happy baby. My DH also does nappies when he's home, and help with the walking/cuddling to sleep. I remember the NCT instructor stresses how important are nappy changes for dads, and I think it's one of the best thing she said on the course! (If only to get DH to do the nappies). Newborns spend their days just on sleeping and feeding. So if the baby is bf, dads need to seize the opportunity to do everything else with the baby. And that includes nappies, burbing, walking in slings, bathing.

You may find that you feel differently about everything you are worried about when the baby comes. You also may see that your partner 'steps up' without having made a plan. I always showered when dd went down for her first nap of the day. She would only sleep for about 20 minutes but it gave me more than enough time. I bought some fairly 'nice' jogging suits because (particularly in the early stages) all I wanted to be was comfortable but I didnt want to look scruffy. New jogging suits were ideal for me. I always put a little bit of make up on. However, when my baby cried, I wanted to hold her, food be damned! You, your partner and your baby will find your pattern. I would advise trying not to overthink it and just enjoy those last few weeks of growing a lovely, wiggly baby.

Before my DS came along me and DH shared the cooking duties, but once I had my son, we changed things so that he would spend that pre-tea time with my DS and I would cook.

I'm not a domestic goddess and I hate housework at the best of time, but I do like cooking and for me, that time preparing dinner was my 'me-time' chopping veg, listening to the radio, chilling out.

And for DH, it was an opportunity for him to spend time with DS without me hanging around. It really worked for us (but again, only because I enjoyed the me-time so much :-)

And purr purr I agree, it's amazing how your mental health has deteriorated throughout this post so much that now you're just a quivering wreck :-D

To be honest, I think it's natural to "overthink" - I know I did. I read mumsnet obsessively and thought about all the difficulties we could encounter, without ever fully grasping what they meant

I know that I was planning what "role" I wanted DH to take, but that was a mistake when I talked to him because for him it just wasn't real yet, so although I was telling him I'd be feeding DS (BF) and DH would be feeding me he was a bit because it was far too far ahead for him and he just couldn't get his head round it. Also, he wasn't into baby books or websites so didn't have much of an idea of what was coming!

That said, one of the best things DH does is DS' bath. This wasn't at all planned, but in the hospital I couldn't do the first bath so DH did. I then did one other bath until DS was about 8 months old and even now I get DH to do it if possible. DH loves doing the bath and I really don't so it's worked out very well.

There are other things I couldn't have predicted like me doing all the bedtimes and DH cooking the evening meals (pre-DS I did all the cooking cos DH hates cooking!). In my overthinking phase I would have thought it would be the opposite.