Gender disappointment - what to tell people?

[soapnuts]

I?m currently 24 weeks pregnant with DC2. I?m doing a hypnobirthing course and part of the theory is that you have to release any fears that you have about the birth to be able to use the method (in a nutshell). I?m not too worried about the birth itself (DC1?s was pretty easy) but I know that I do have an issue about the gender. I found out at 16 weeks that I was expecting the gender that I really didn?t want. I don?t think there is a huge amount I can do about my own gender disappointment ? I wanted DC1 to be the other gender too! ? and I know it probably won?t matter to me (as much at least) after the birth ? I couldn?t possibly love DC1 any more than I do but this time it?s doubly difficult (as this will likely be my last birth) and I?m struggling to get over it.

We didn?t find out the gender with DC1 but this time we found out secretly (only my DH and my parents know that we even found out). I?m now finding that everyone is asking me what I?m having and I?m sticking to my story that we don?t know and aren?t going to find out and then quickly changing the subject!?. But I don?t think that response is helping me come to terms with the gender and I still feel very detached from the baby. I?m also really uncomfortable lying. I really want to do the hypnobirthing as well and I think this could cause a mental block that might prevent that soooo?

My question is, how can I politely dismiss people who ask me what we?re having without outright lying? I thought about saying ?We?re not telling anyone what we?re having? but I suspect that will just cause more questions. I?ve also tried just replying ?a baby? when they ask what we?re having but that just makes people be more specific!

Any suggestions would be gratefully received! Thanks in advance.

Why don't you just tell them that you are keeping it private and they will find out when the baby arrives?

Sounds like you might need some help in coming to terms with your disappointment about the gender of your baby. Is there anyone you can talk to about it?

Just shrug and say, "Dunno." And move the conversation on to how big/little your bump is.

Wrt disappointment about the sex of the baby, it's hard to bear. However, the baby inside you is still quite abstract, iyswim. So it's tricky to imagine the child whatever its sex.

You will love your baby and feel a lot of pride when he is here.

Why are you lying to people? Is there a reason you can't just tell everyone you are having whatever you are having.

That sounded a bit harsh... What I was trying to say was, would things be easier if you just started telling people and got round to the idea that way?

hello. Congratulations :)
what gender would your DS prefer?
I suspect a brother! so maybe thinking about it from his point of view might make you feel more positive about 2 boys. (my sisters younger son (she just has the two boys) was SO excited about having another cousin but is so disappointed that he has a new GIRL cousin! my DD is 4.5 weeks

don't forget that telling you the gender in advance is only 70% accurate. so technically you aren't lying. if it makes you feel any better I found out BUT I didn't tell anyone, not even DH, who didn't know i'd asked and no one knew that I knew ;) its YOUR baby and YOUR pregnancy and YOUR family and its such a personal question (but oh so common) don't worry about it. enjoy your secret and the rest of your pregnancy. i am older and know so many people who have struggled to have one DC..

ooh gosh that was quick! i was kind of expecting all to be quiet in the middle of the night!!

nooka - I keep meaning to say that and I keep chickening out! I guess I don't want to seem rude! You're right - I do need some help with sorting out my issue - this is the first step to doing that - I figure I've got a few months to work on it and I do know how ridiculous it sounds to be so disappointed when many many people would kill for what I'm getting!

Winky - tried that too but people are much more persistent than I imagined they would be!!

MrsTerry's - no need to apologise - Its a very valid question and I'm not sure I know the answer to it - I think it's just that I never intended to find out but I kind of knew that I was going to be disappointed if it was a boy and I decided I needed to deal with that now rather than when he was already here. I guess the answer is that I don't want everyone to know what we're having! I've got enough people making comments guessing I'm going to have another boy already (poor you; going to be busy etc etc - all negative as well!!) - that's going to be ten-fold if they realise we actually are!

Laughinglemons - I am trying to think of it like that - and he would very much like a brother (and tells me repeatedly!) and I think that's got me to the position I am in at the moment - knowing I need to sort this out before he's born. He doesn't know what we're having either - mostly because he'd go and tell everyone!

I'm trying not to think about the 70% thing!! I've had quite a few scans and they all concur - I think I need to accept it rather than hanging out for the 30% chance that they are wrong! thanks for your kind words - I think I know that it will be ok when he's born but at the moment it's worrying me - aren't I lucky that this is the worst thing I have to worry about!

You're all very kind - I was hoping someone clever would come up with a pithy/sneaky way to divert the whole question but it's lovely that you're not all telling me I should be bloody grateful for what i've got (which I should be!!)

I'm in a similar position to you. I've had trouble concieving, doctors told me I'd never have children, etc etc - now suddenly out of nowhere I am pregnant, so thankful to be - but I'm pretty sure it is a boy (even though we asked not to find out, I'm sure I saw a little winkle) and I have always pictured myself with a girl.

As this is the only baby I am ever going to be able to have, and it's a miracle it happened in the first place, of course I am glad to be having a baby at all. But it is hard to change the image you have always had/hoped for.

What has helped me is, funnily enough, telling people I have a feeling it's a lovely little boy. Their positive responses to me saying it may be a boy has helped me feel more positive about it myself - in fact I feel really warm towards the idea now, whereas before the thought of having a son filled me with dread and fear!!

I hope it all works out for you, and that you find a way to cope with the disappointment.

Sneaky guesswork from lemons!

Mine are all the same, and there are loads of positives from it. When it here, apart from maybe the odd pang, you won't care less.

Hi Soapnuts, congratulations on your pregnancy. My 2 nd pregnancy was twins and we found out the sex because it was practical to do so.My in laws who we live near, didn't want to know what we were having, so if people asked, I said that we knew, but that it seemed wrong for others to know before in laws and that worked for us. Whenever I get negative comments about having 3 young children I just smile and say 'I know, aren't I lucky!'

I had the same feelings with my first as I had always imagined having a girl and my sister had already and a girl the year before so I was disappointed when we found out it was a boy. What was worse was that when people had previously asked me what I wanted I had stupidly told them all i really wanted a girl so when they found out it was a boy i got a lot of 'oh well there's always next time'.

I am now nearly 18 weeks pg and already I am getting comments such as 'it may be a girl this time if you're lucky' (and that was from someone who did not previously know i wanted a girl!). I am actually not going to find out is time as I actually don't think I mind which I am surprised about as I was really disappointed last time. I think it is mainly as I know my DS would absolutely love a brother. Also, I quite like the thought of being the mum of two boys and boys just love their mummy's and cooking them lots of foods they like and even when they have left home they still come home to get their favourite dinner from their mum and have their clothes washed (poor things will probably never get married!) I think girls can be a bit more independent. I am also looking forward to having sat afternoons off whilst DH and ds's go to the football.

It took me quite a few weeks to get over the feeling of disappointment last time and you will start to feel better about it. There is absolutely nothing wrong with gender disappointment and I think a lot of people always imagine themselves with one gender child, often women with a daughter and men with son so don't feel bad about it just give yourself some time to get used to it.

In the meantime if it helps to say you don't know then say that to avoid the negative comments and then when you are feeling better about it just say you found out recently and you are happy to be having a brother for your DS and that usually avoids the negative comments.

Aren't I lucky to have a new DS for big brother DS is a positive but 'grrr say anything negative at your peril..' firm answer.
I had a big feeling of this with my first dc - not helped that people seem to perceive that having a boy is more hassle/ second best. Most of all my delightful mil saying ' your mum must be terribly disappointed having a 3rd grandson' ( my sister already had2 boys) I was crestfallen about her saying that, on top,of being low myself.
You're actually in a positive position in that you know and have 16 weeks to get your head around it. I agree with Phoenixroses approach - I did similar!a- the positive way of saying it to people makes you feel positive, then that affirmation gets your mindset gradually switched.
Something like 'yep we've just had a follow up scan and had to chance to find out. Guess what, another little boy. DS is so excited! It's so sweet he is so pleased' is positive, says something nice, but equally you're not telling an untruth that you're playing catch up with the emotions.

If there is a follow question about you, just say 'we're just pleased the scan has shown no problems, we just want the baby safe and sound' if you remind people the baby isn't here yet, and actually the gender is second to their safe delivery, it gently puts them down a peg IMO. Even my mil !!

having two boys is wonderful, mine are such good friends it is the most heart warming thing. I also feel spoilt with love and attention. That is the first thing I wanted to say.

Gender disappointment is usually about boys, though my BIL had it about DD4 (4 girls, he loves them, but has always dreamt of having a son.). The way he deals with it is quite exemplary, I think. He is open about it, says to people if they ask that he wishes he had a son, at the same time he is such a fab dad to his girls, that nobody would think of accusing him of taking out that gender disappointment on his girls. I think gender disappointment is harder to deal with if you cannot be honest about it. Don't make a big deal out of it, you could say "it is another boy, I was hoping for a girl, I am not sure why".

I find being straight with people and matter-of-fact goes a long way in getting people's respect/understanding. (People can tell if you are being insincere and respond to that quite differently, imo. Also, telling a lie/fib is emotionally exhausting)

I have 3 boys. When I was pregnant with DC4 we found out the sex as it was going to make a big difference if it was a girl.
But inside I knew it was a boy, we had a boys name picked out, clothes from the older ones to use etc.

I had to go to the scan on my own, DH couldnt get away.
They told me it was a girl. I was gutted. When I phoned DH to tell him, I was in tears, he thought it was fantastic - finally a girl.

It took me ages to get used to the idea. A friend took me shopping and insisted I buy a dress for the baby.
It was gradual but I accepted the idea slowly, I really shocked myself at how I felt. I couldnt believe I felt so strongly about it, without really knowing I had a preference IYSWIM.

She is one now. ANd such a big part of our family, the boys love her to bits and so do I.

I think you need to stop beating yourself up with guilt over this. It's ok to mourn a little for the girl you might never have. You need time to readjust your expectations, and when baby is here you'll love it as much as your first.

If you don't want to tell the gender, just tell the truth: we know the gender but we're keeping it personal. We did this and people accepted it, although they obviously liked to play tricks and see if I accidentally gave it away anyway (which I did many times!).

I am having what i think is a gender anxiety type thing.. I have one dd and am totally desperate for another girl the thought of a boy is really quite worrying me.

There are 2 boys i see regularly (mindee and dd cousin) both of them behave awfully and are really a huge handful, i know if i have another girl that she could be a total handful too but for some reason the thought of a boy does scare me

You went to a lot of effort to disguise the gender in your OP - but it was depressingly obvious you were talking about boys.

That's life OP - you have no option but to deal with it and love the children you were destined to have.

The imaginary daughter could have turned out to be a big hairy plumber who loathed shopping, refused to wear pink or play with dolls, stayed in her room listening to Metallica and making voodoo dolls of you and ultimately ended up on Mumsnet bitching about you.

Oh Skinny, get a grip.

I know little girls who are sulky, manipulative, materialistic little brats - I don't assume all females are like that.

I reckon the sooner people can be open about this sex preference issue without feeling attacked, the better.

It's not about having a pretty dolly girl or soccer mad boy - its something else within the parent that needs to be addressed.

Yes, there are people who cannot conceive, have ill children but this is another separate issue. It's important to find out why it seems to matter rather than just dismissing it with a superficial assessment of what parents want.

I have to echo what chandon says, (very loudly too) having two boys is fantastic - honestly!

And like others have said OP your little boy will be over the moon to find out he is going to get a little brother, try to focus on that part of it, it will help you.

I am in the opposite boat having found out that baby no3 is a girl. DS1 who is 5 said he wanted another brother!

I always imagined myself with 3 little boys and I have to be honest and say I was so upset when I found out the gender. I still am very anxious about it but a lot of that stems from the poor relationship I have with my own mother.

missnevermind I am so glad I read your post, I had totally convinced myself no3 was a boy and I suppose that only added to the shock.

I have had some degree of gender disappointment and have dealt with it by putting on a cheesy happy face. I had a private 4d scan and had to check several times that it really was a boy. Saying aloud that it's lovely, they are fantastic, I love having boys is making it become a reality. Negative comments are very hard to just shrug off, especially when they are voicing what I feel inside but I force myself to laugh and tell them my boys are fantastic - and they are!

It really helped to know what I was having while still pregnant. I could deal with it before he arrived, and practice telling people and forcing a positive reaction. Anyone who has anything negative to say is rude and insensitive.

I just wanted to say its OK to feel sad about it and that you shouldn't feel guilty.

I really wanted a boy and I was so guilty for the feelings I had when I had my scan and she wasn't.

I think I would just tell everyone.

I have girls and I am of people with sons as they seem to love their mothers so much. Mine would knock me over to get to their dad.

Thank you for all your messages - you're all very nice! I was kind of expecting a telling off for not being grateful for what I've got.

I do know that it will be fine when it's born but if I'm honest I still find it strange that DS1 is a boy (and yes I was talking about boys - but it could easily have been the other way!) - My side of the family only has girls in my generation and I think the issue is that I don't know what I'm getting myself into! Also all (and i mean all!) my group of friends from my first pregnancy had girls first and then boys - perfect - one of each I'd be totally happy with! I guess I'm just upset that i'll never have a biological daughter and when I look at the relationship I have with my mother, I'm sad that I won't have that.

I also need to stop listening to all those doom-mongers who go on and on about how having lots of boys is soooo much hard work - it probably is but girls aren't necessarily any easier.

I have to admit it's been nearly two months since I found out and I'm still no nearer to being ok with it. and I need to get there otherwise it's going to be even more difficult dealing with the attitudes when I actually have the baby. I'm just finding it really difficult to give up on the picture I had in my head - and that didn't involve being the only female in a house full of muddy football boots (and that has already started with DS1!!)

Anyhow - enough of my pathetic pity party. what I really need to know is how to not tell people what it is without lying. I don't want to just say it's personal (though I agree that's the easiest!) as most of my friends will feel that they are the ones who should be told etc etc. I also don't want to share that he's a boy until the birth (I didn't really want to find out but I knew I'd need time if it was a boy - and I do)..... I'm just really struggling with the constant speculation (so much so that I'm avoiding certain people - to be honest if I didn't know I'd still be avoiding them cos the speculation just stresses me out!) - had it again this afternoon with a group of friends (DS being the only boy - again!) and they were all going on about it. Do I just need to get some different friends??

I really can't understand people who are disappointed when they find out the gender? A child is a child and it shouldn't matter what the sex is surely?

I think OP that it might be easier to just tell and put an end to the speculation that way. After all, the discussions must be painful to hear. If you say, with a big smile, "actually, we're having another little boy" I am sure that what follows from others will be all positive and might actually help you to reach a happier frame of mind. I understand where you are coming from BTW, but you have no choice other than to move beyond the sadness, so I think putting the truth out there would be a help. Wishing you a safe and happy pregnancy from here on in and a healthy DS2 at the end of it.

Why don't you just say 'DS is really hoping for a little brother, but he'll have to wait & see like every one else.' No lies & a positive spin.

I only have the one DC but I would imagine that it's easier to have 2 of the same gender anyway, as more likely to play together etc when they are a bit older.