Gender disappointment - what to tell people?

[soapnuts]

I?m currently 24 weeks pregnant with DC2. I?m doing a hypnobirthing course and part of the theory is that you have to release any fears that you have about the birth to be able to use the method (in a nutshell). I?m not too worried about the birth itself (DC1?s was pretty easy) but I know that I do have an issue about the gender. I found out at 16 weeks that I was expecting the gender that I really didn?t want. I don?t think there is a huge amount I can do about my own gender disappointment ? I wanted DC1 to be the other gender too! ? and I know it probably won?t matter to me (as much at least) after the birth ? I couldn?t possibly love DC1 any more than I do but this time it?s doubly difficult (as this will likely be my last birth) and I?m struggling to get over it.

We didn?t find out the gender with DC1 but this time we found out secretly (only my DH and my parents know that we even found out). I?m now finding that everyone is asking me what I?m having and I?m sticking to my story that we don?t know and aren?t going to find out and then quickly changing the subject!?. But I don?t think that response is helping me come to terms with the gender and I still feel very detached from the baby. I?m also really uncomfortable lying. I really want to do the hypnobirthing as well and I think this could cause a mental block that might prevent that soooo?

My question is, how can I politely dismiss people who ask me what we?re having without outright lying? I thought about saying ?We?re not telling anyone what we?re having? but I suspect that will just cause more questions. I?ve also tried just replying ?a baby? when they ask what we?re having but that just makes people be more specific!

Any suggestions would be gratefully received! Thanks in advance.

Dany, exactly. So why don't many people feel that way?

And if you tell them the gender they'll just start asking about what you're going to call it.......

puffpants is there a reason you singled me out on this thread to get a grip???

When 90% of the other posters say pretty much the same thing???????

I can't comment on your own disappointment, because I can never understand it, and think its faintly ridiculous, sorry.

I can tell you that when my mother was pregnant with my sibling, I went to the scan with her to find out the gender. When they said it was a boy, I said, "No... I'd like a sister please!". By the time my brother arrived I was delighted to be having a brother, and really didn't care. So personally I would tell your son now, let him get used to the idea, and you'll probably find he absolutely fine by the time DC2 arrives.

I agree with DanyTargaryen. When you decided to try for another baby, was it another baby you wanted, or a girl?

I really don't get gender disappointment, sorry. I want a healthy child, it makes no difference to me whether it's male or female. (And no, I won't be finding out). I didn't get in to my first choice of university, and yes, I was disappointed, but I did get into my second and the whole experience was great - I didn't spend it wringing my hands about what would have been.

How do you think your DC2 would feel if he/she read your post and found out he/she was the gender you "didn't really want"?

As for all the nosy parkers who want to know what you're having, tell them they'll find out when it's here!

good luck for the rest of your pregnancy OP. I'm sorry if you think I'm being harsh, but for me this is where the gender selection debate starts, and I really don't agree with it. I hope everything works out for you.

"I really don't get gender disappointment, sorry. I want a healthy child"
and, err, who DOESN'T want their child to be healty eh" where's the connection, unless the OP has a genetic condition where girls are more likely to be ill and she's STILL hoping for a girl, which does not seem to be the case!

I don't think the "we know but we're not telling" thing is a good idea, people will keep trying to trip you up and wont drop it, better to say "a surprize" - not a lie because its a surprize to the people who asked IYKWIM

and telling people the gender won't necessarily get possitive responses so I wouldn't do that either, we got the gender we were hoping for at the scan (boy) and people regularly say "you'lll have to have a third to get a girl" - now as it is that just annoys me, but if I had been wanting a girl it REALLY wouldn't help!

pheonixrose I think when you have gender anxiety your brain convinces you that you are carrying the less preferable sex to prepare you IYKWIM, both times I was convinced it was a girl when it was a boy, I think its your bodies way of giving you time to get your head around it, but I wouldn't start shopping based on that! (even though I did )

Ah well, whether you "get" sex disappointment is neither here nor there. The fact is, it exists.

Logically of course everyone knows the important thing is that you're having a baby regardless of sex.

Isn't the point that some people are distressed to find out the sex they'd hoped for and the important thing is then to find out why and deal with it, ridiculous or not? Mainly to ensure that the resulting mother-child relationship isn't affected? And to enjoy the pregnancy more, if that's possible.

I mean, I guess lots of OCD behaviour is ridiculous for example, but because of that, should we just dismiss it and leave the sufferers to simply get on with it?

I 'get' gender disappointment. I've had it.

Have you considered just telling people it's a boy? Do you think there is a part of you that doesn't want to say anything because that will make it true?

If you do tell people it might help you come to terms with it sooner. I bet you will hear lovely stories about brothers.

I tried to keep the gender of my child to myself for the reason above but when I
told people, their reaction was so nice that I felt better. It helped me deal with it.

Once your beautiful boy is here he won't be a gender he will just be your gorgeous, squidgy, delicious baby.

Good luck.

OP I am one of 5 girls with only 7 years between us all, my DM loved dressing us all similarly and we were all Daddy's girls and Mummy's best friends. Now we are all adults, I can count on one hand the amount of friends we all have as we're each others best friends.

I have a DD and am now pg with DC2, I desperately wanted another DD but, like you I found out at 16wks it was DS. I was in complete shock and decided I'd "fake it til I make it". 12wks later, I've talked myself into it and now I'm thrilled. Send yourself positive vibes and talk yourself into all the benefits of having 2 DS's:-
They'll be best friends,
They'll stick up for each other,
They'll have loads in common,
Save you a fortune in clothes,
Best of all, they'll be Mummy's boys (opposite gender is fab)

In reply to those who question you I'd say "Who knows?" but then to enforce your answer with, "it would be perfect if we had a little brother for DS as he has his heart set on it".

Congratulations BTW, I'd love to have 2DC of same gender, my childhood was brilliant.

My sons are now 18 and 21. I wanted girls, preferably two and was a little disapointed when no 2 was a boy. I had the irrational thought that as I had put my feelings of wanting a girl aside when DS1was born that I ought to be rewarded with a girl the second time around. In fact bringing up two little boys was an asbolute delight, and I find it hard now to believe I had those feelings at the time. I did try to develop the softer side of my sons, they both love art, read a lot, and are very considerate. I came to the conslusion that maybe fate had given me two sons to ensure there were some nice rounded blokes around later on for all the little girls that other people had had. Certainly pareting boys is (in very general terms) less complicated. DS1 is about to leave home properly after uni now. I'm really sad!

thank you for the defence Winky and Lacking!

To be honest I find it ridiculous too (hence why I'm not discussing with anyone in RL!) - I'm the first one to think that countries that generally prefer boys over girls like China and India are awful - completely hypocritical of course but I'm just being honest about how I feel and trying to work my way around it.

Shelby - I love that!! thank you - I think that might be the way to go - mentioning boy but not totally lying! that was what I hoped for when I started this thread (though actually working out some of these feelings is probably good for me and it's fantastic to have so many people understanding my feelings rather than condemning me for it!!)..... and you're totally right that if I reveal the sex they'll start talking about names... and that I'm definitely not telling!

Skinky - I don't know why they singled you out either!! I totally understand the worry - I think a lot of my anxieties about boys are about behaviour too - DS1 is very very active and busy (and always has been) everyone keeps saying that it's easier when they're teenagers but if I'm coming to realise one thing it's that I shouldn't be listening to what "people" say!!! I have to admit that there are many advantages to boys - so far DS1 seems to be more straightforward than some of the girls I know and he really does love his Mummy! but no pro or cons of boys v girls is going to change your feelings - I guess we both have to just hope that when the baby arrives, the worries disappear.

SirBoob - my son would love a brother! it's me that has a problem not him - and if I tell him now he will tell everyone so I don't think it's necessary for his to know yet (he's excited enough about having a sibling anyhow!)

LadyMary - you're absolutely right that we had no right to expect this one to be a boy. That doesn't invalidate my disappointment that it is. I am trying to work through the issue - hence this thread - and I don't think "what would baby think" is a good enough reason to stop thinking and asking for some anonymous help. I am hoping that this will be an issue that will never come to my child's attention, but for it not to affect me, I need to work through it before the baby arrives which is what I'm trying to do.

There actually is a reason (way too complicated to go into!) why we were expecting our next child to be a girl and I'm sure that has a lot to do with my disappointment but that is a whole other story! Of course I just want the child to be healthy but in the same way that another person might want a child who likes to eg ride horses with them, I had an image in my head of my next child and I'm struggling to change that image.

Phoenix Rose - You should be writing this thread! I can totally understand the worry. If it helps at all, I was totally convinced DS1 was a girl - I just couldn't imagine that he'd be anything else! I honestly think I went into shock when they told me I'd had a boy but I couldn't have possibly loved him any more as an individual. That doesn't help my feelings of disappointment that I won't give birth to a daughter, but I am fairly confident that when this baby is born, it will not be him that I am disappointed in and I will love him regardless - it's a disappointment in how things turned out, not in what this child is. I hope that makes sense. Especially after your difficulties, I'm sure that having your baby will be a wonderful experience however it turns out

Lacking - I don't think I could carry off the "we know but we're not telling" anyhow - it's just too confrontational (and too much of a backslide from what I've already said!)

Question on this is why do people find out the gender- does it really help with situations like this? Lots of people say, I found out so I could get my head around it but does it really help?

I ready many threads like this where people struggle to come to terms with a gender after ther early scan to determine it. But not see any threads where people with newborns are disappointed. I assume people do feel some disappointment at newborn stage if the gender isnt as they wanted (excluding those who had a scan error and get the opposite to what they expected) but it seems less prevalent, (particularly on MN!) and by then its irrelevant really - you have bigger things to think about- you have a child then and not a gender.

When pregnant, there is too much time to think about it and the focus is all about the idea of a gender and not about the child itself and its unique personality etc.

This is no dig at the OP or others but genuine discussion point.

PS I understand why people find out for practical reasons like clothes/ painting nursery- but where there is liklely to be disappointment - I just dont see how it helps...

Gingerbread its less prevalent because scans are more available, and most of the people who don't find out are equally fine with either so no, obviously they won't express much disseappointment at birth. So your arguement is illogical! As those of us who tend to gender disseappointment for the most part choose not to find out at the birth

back in the day when there were no sex scans there certainly was a lot of gender disseappointment at birth!

"When pregnant, there is too much time to think about it "
but that's exactly the point! when you don't know there's lots of time to stress about it, if you do have this it dominates the pregnancy, finding out allows you to get on with the remainder of the pregnancy one way or the other

Thanks Lacking that makes a lot of sense and does explain why we dont see it as much.... Do you really think the disapointment is as hard to bear at birth when there are other things to worry about though?

Not sure I was making an argument btw- it was genuine question about it!

even though I'ld found out at the scan I asked DH to double check - and I had a very dramatic birth so it was still on my mind, so yes

and it is something I've heard people talk about from my mother's generation when they didn't know until the birth, so it is still at the front of people's minds at the birth even when they couldn't find out when pregnant. I know one older woman who says that when her (gorgeous ginger) son was born she had her eyes closed praying "dear god don't let it be a boy, and don't let it be ginger!" and she remembers the MW cheerfully saying "ITS A BOY! AND WHAT A LOVELY HEAD OF RED HAIR HE HAS!"

Two of same sex here (girls). Both very different personalities. So same gender does not mean it will be exactly the same experience. You are having a lovely baby! I am really jealous. Plan how you are going to decorate his room - get really excited! Good luck and enjoy him.

I agree with Gingerbread. My hospital didn't tell you the scan, so here nobody knows. I've known several people admit to being disappointd, or at least tell their preference before the birth and then get the opposite. But it is then an non-issue, because you have the person I front of you rather than an imaginary child of a certain sex.

its actually not a non issue for a lot of people twooter, that's the thing!

I just assumed I would be having a boy, so when I discovered it was a girl I was a bit down hearted. I am one of two sisters, and we did not get on at all, so I have a notion that girls are more difficult. Total rubbish of course, but pre-conceived notions can be quite difficult to eliminate.

I'm choosing not to find out, as I don't want to spend the rest of my pregnancy projecting any of my existing gender anxieties or stereotypes on to my unborn baby (or have other people's thrust upon me) and I'd rather try and deal with the baby as a person whenit's born and starts to develop. Of course gender stereotyping and anxieties are unavoidable and it would be unrealistic to expect that they won't crop up regularly once the baby is here, from both me and other people. However, I can remember enough about my own childhood and how I was assumed to be a girly girl partly because of the way that I looked (and was treated as such), when that felt uncomfortable for me at a really early age, to try as much as I can to avoid doing the same to my own children as much as possible.

I'm not denying that gender disappointment exists, but it might be helpful to realise that the desire for a child of a certain sex says more about the parents preconceived notion of how a child of that gender will behave or act and is perhaps an expression or projection of their own unfulfilled desires or needs, rather than anything to do with the actual child? If I started to have those feelings, I would ask myself which of my ideas and beliefs they were based on, for example that little boys are mummy's boys and try to challenge these preconceptions. If it's really affecting you, I would speak maybe to a midwife or counsellor as it would be a real shame if these feelings did affect your relationship with the child and how you parent them.

Don't listen to people who say that boys are hard work. I have a girl and her best friends are a boy and some boy twins. She is bigger than all of then, faster, louder, tougher, braver and more 'work' physically.

FWIW, I would start telling people. Hiding it makes it 'bigger' and secrets and lies are poison. Tell people and feel like DS2 is already here and just as loveable and wonderful as DS1.

agree about the hard work. Two boys will entertain eachother 90% of the time, in my experience , which gives me time to MN .

Most girls I know reuire a lot more input in creative activities than boys (who often like to try to get on with it themselves. Broad generalisation, but still...)

Also, really, two boys is sooo honestly fab. I am loved to bits, even the 10 year old is still very cuddly.

How did the first two posters know that they OP is expecting a second boy when she was careful not to give away the gender of her child/unborn baby?