Gender disappointment - what to tell people?

[soapnuts]

I?m currently 24 weeks pregnant with DC2. I?m doing a hypnobirthing course and part of the theory is that you have to release any fears that you have about the birth to be able to use the method (in a nutshell). I?m not too worried about the birth itself (DC1?s was pretty easy) but I know that I do have an issue about the gender. I found out at 16 weeks that I was expecting the gender that I really didn?t want. I don?t think there is a huge amount I can do about my own gender disappointment ? I wanted DC1 to be the other gender too! ? and I know it probably won?t matter to me (as much at least) after the birth ? I couldn?t possibly love DC1 any more than I do but this time it?s doubly difficult (as this will likely be my last birth) and I?m struggling to get over it.

We didn?t find out the gender with DC1 but this time we found out secretly (only my DH and my parents know that we even found out). I?m now finding that everyone is asking me what I?m having and I?m sticking to my story that we don?t know and aren?t going to find out and then quickly changing the subject!?. But I don?t think that response is helping me come to terms with the gender and I still feel very detached from the baby. I?m also really uncomfortable lying. I really want to do the hypnobirthing as well and I think this could cause a mental block that might prevent that soooo?

My question is, how can I politely dismiss people who ask me what we?re having without outright lying? I thought about saying ?We?re not telling anyone what we?re having? but I suspect that will just cause more questions. I?ve also tried just replying ?a baby? when they ask what we?re having but that just makes people be more specific!

Any suggestions would be gratefully received! Thanks in advance.

Not commented before but have been watching and i'm glad it has helped you Soapnuts and i'm glad to see the thread concluding in a nice/calm way.

I'm also very sorry for Chipmonkey's and Expat's losses - i think it really does help to bring home how lucky most of us really are.

soapnuts, I do think that other peoples' reactions are the main reason why it's so difficult. If everyone said "Lovely!" when you told them you had two boys or four girls or three llamas it would be so much better.
At a recent birthday party, I told one of the other Dads that we had four boys and that our little girl had died recently.
His reaction? You would think "Sorry for your loss" might be appropriate but no, he said "Four boys! My God!"
It made me angry and upset on several different levels!

Can I add my twopence worth?

I didn't want to find out the gender of DS1, but DH is terrible with surprises (or any aspect of the unknown for that matter) and so I relented. I have two younger brothers but they are half brothers and I only saw them at weekends, but my DSis and I are very close, and both very very close to our DM. TBH I hadn't even considered how I would feel if the baby was not the little girl I felt I was meant to have.

At the time I was on a birth board (not a MN one!) and another lady expressed some upset that her DC2 was a boy as she had been desperately wanting a girl. She was absolutely lambasted. I mean flamed beyond flamed; some truly shocking things were said to her. And at that point, I agreed with them; how dare she be disappointed etc. And then I found out DC1 was DS1 and I was GUTTED. But everyone was so happy, and so excited, and this poor woman had been treated so horribly I felt my feelings were completely unjustified and wrong and so I bottled it all up. I occasionally found myself crying in the toilets at work when a customer commented on "oh a boy, how lovely".

Then he arrived. And of course he WAS lovely. All my expectations went out of the window; he was a boy, a proper playing with cars, outdoorsy, dirty fingernailed, BOY. And I bloody loved him. 2 years later I fell pregnant with DC2, who was of course DS2 and when we found out I have to admit I was again, a tiny bit disappointed but at least I knew what to expect this time and I think I dealt with my feelings a little better. And now he is here and he's just as lovely as DS1 but in completely different ways. They adore each other, they play all sorts of wrestling games and they fight over toys even though DS2 is only just 13 months. DS2 lights up when DS1 is in the room (even at 4am this morning when he came into our room blethering about monsters).

Tell people you know but you're keeping it quiet then change the subject. Process it whichever way you want to. Make a list of all the things you love doing with your DS1 and imagine it twofold. I always remind myself that all my friends with girls seem a lot more frazzled than I do. Girls are hard work!

Ooh, essay, sorry!

Im 35weeks pregnant and when i first got pregnant i had convinced myself i was having a boy. I had people telling me they could tell i was having a boy because of the shape of my tummy

Went for my 20week scan and found out i was having a girl. I was really surprised, was convinced i was going to be told i was having a boy.

I admit i was disappointed, partly because there arent many boys in the family (only 3 out of 17) I havent told anyone that im disappointed.

DH daughter whos 8 is a brat and i didnt want to cope with one of those.

But i do know, children are who you bring them up to be, and i will make sure my daughter isnt a brat!