Gender disappointment - what to tell people?

[soapnuts]

I?m currently 24 weeks pregnant with DC2. I?m doing a hypnobirthing course and part of the theory is that you have to release any fears that you have about the birth to be able to use the method (in a nutshell). I?m not too worried about the birth itself (DC1?s was pretty easy) but I know that I do have an issue about the gender. I found out at 16 weeks that I was expecting the gender that I really didn?t want. I don?t think there is a huge amount I can do about my own gender disappointment ? I wanted DC1 to be the other gender too! ? and I know it probably won?t matter to me (as much at least) after the birth ? I couldn?t possibly love DC1 any more than I do but this time it?s doubly difficult (as this will likely be my last birth) and I?m struggling to get over it.

We didn?t find out the gender with DC1 but this time we found out secretly (only my DH and my parents know that we even found out). I?m now finding that everyone is asking me what I?m having and I?m sticking to my story that we don?t know and aren?t going to find out and then quickly changing the subject!?. But I don?t think that response is helping me come to terms with the gender and I still feel very detached from the baby. I?m also really uncomfortable lying. I really want to do the hypnobirthing as well and I think this could cause a mental block that might prevent that soooo?

My question is, how can I politely dismiss people who ask me what we?re having without outright lying? I thought about saying ?We?re not telling anyone what we?re having? but I suspect that will just cause more questions. I?ve also tried just replying ?a baby? when they ask what we?re having but that just makes people be more specific!

Any suggestions would be gratefully received! Thanks in advance.

I wouldn't tell people the gender. When pg with 2nd DS we told people the sex and had comments such as 'Never mind, you can try again!' or 'How do you feel about that?' (complete with concerned face). I had one positive who said 'Perfect! they can share a room, play together etc'

Can also add, much cheaper on clothes/toys, they love, love, love being brothers and many people I know with same sex siblings (as adults) are much closer than brother/sister relationships. Also, both my boys are very different so there would never be any gaurantee of the 'type' of DD you would possibly get either (I think some people have a picture in there heads of what their daughter would be like).

Apologies Skinny. I misread.

You ARE very aggressive and hostile though. Perhaps you should hide the thread as you said you were going to if someone misreading makes you do angry?

I'm having trouble with this too - not so much the disappointment, though I have that too, sadly (last baby) but the issue fo telling people.

I don't know - it just seems too personal to share. I don't want everyone to know what it is.

I did ask the sonographer not to tell me, but to write it down so we could look later if we wanted to. So it was put on the report - but I'm still not sure she looked properly, I certainly didn't see anything clearly. And I was looking!

My main issue is not wanting the 'father' to know, or his family, as we broke up months ago and he is a horrible bastard. I don't want him to know anything about this child

but only one person has asked me so far what it is and she is very good friend, and also pregnant, and I stalled at first then told her as I don't mind her knowing (and I know what she is having!)

Surprised no one else has asked yet but when they do, I think I will just say we're not 100% sure, I asked not to be told, or something like that. It's devious according to my mother but I can't think of another way to keep it a secret.

I am not hostile nor am i aggressive.
Totally the opposite. I've discussed both opinions in an understanding way.

There are posters on here who are aggressive towards others. i am not one of them. you would see that if you read my posts.

it gets my back up when i am attacked for no reason, especially when the attacker hasnt bothered to read the thread in the first place.

"Maybe it should be a reconised mental health problem" pumkin have you got any idea what you are talking about?!

It's sadness that we won't have a ds/dd once we've had our last baby, not a mental health problem!!

I'm 20 weeks pg and I thought I didn't have a preference this time but when I found out at the scan yesterday that I'm having DD2 I was disappointed. I only plan to have/ want 2 children. In my head I had always pictured having a boy - in fact before i ever had children I always imagined myself as the mother of boys. I'm not very 'girly' myself.

So, yes I am experiencing gender disappointment at the moment, and it's because I wanted a boy, not a girl. I do not have a mental health problem btw. However I will not be admitting my feelings in RL to anyone except perhaps my mum. Can't bear the sympathy/ possible smugness of people who have the so-called 'perfect' mixed family.

I know there are many reasons why 2 of the same sex is ideal, and I will be focusing on those.

I'm glad I found out before DD2 arrives so I won't be disappointed when she's actually here.

IMO its not more of an illness than worrying about all the other parenting things that spin through your head when the blue line becomes a reality!.. like can we provide financially for another child, is it fair to have another in our small home, if we have one and don't get a decent school place we could just about scrape private fees, but no way could we afford two lots of it etc... all the same thing as worrying because I'm shite with most little girls I meet!

Why should you be sad naturalbaby?
I have 4 dds and have not once been sad about having all girls.
Different children, different personalities.
Like i said in my pp, just because you get boy/girl doesn't nessesarily mean you will get shopping trip companion/football fanatic as they may turn out more feminine/masculine or even want to become another sex.
I don't agree with boy/girl stereotypes having got a very tomboyish girl myself!

Pumpkin sweetie - I have a very tomboyish girl, so much so she has actually said she wants to be a boy, the number of people who try and "console" me that she will grow out of it and be the girliest girl as a teenager is amazing, I don't care if she dresses as a boy all her life, actually wants to become a boy, is gay or does become more girly. She's amazing and strong to be how she wants to be and it's my job to encourage it, I get funny looks when she strolls up dressed as a 6 year old boy and some mums have said she would wear what they told her too. Often think how sad it would be if a girl like her was born to a mum who wanted a girly girl.

I'm slowly finding out that boys are very different though

FWIW, I totally get it and I have also lost a child. I lost my only girl after four boys.

Before I had her, I desperately wanted a little girl. Got pregnant for what I knew would have to be the last time, and immediately got into "It'll be a boy" mindset. I imagined I would have five boys and resigned myself to it.
Then she was a girl, very small , very premature but as soon as we could reasonably feel she was going to be fine, we relaxed and for seven weeks, I felt I was living in a beautiful pink haze. Then we took her home and she died unexpectedly of SIDS. Devastated would be putting it mildly.

I would have been just as devastated had one of my boys died. And I know that a lot of my neighbours did think that it was especially devastating because she was a girl. But a friend of mine had her fifth boy at around the same time and I do envy her because she still has her baby. But I do have slightly more difficulty seeing a baby girl who is the age that she should be, than I do seeing a similarly aged baby boy. Because my boys were that age once and they lived so I don't feel that same sense of loss. I am grateful to have my boys, without them, I don't know how I'd get up in the morning.

I do feel I suppose that I "get" gender disappointment but that it's a feeling from my "other life" when I hadn't lost a child and I used to be normal and worry about normal things. And I think gender disappointment is a fairly normal thing. I didn't like to call it that, though. I never felt disappointment in any of my sons, they are all fabulous. The disappointment I felt was in the non-appearance of the daughter, rather than in the appearance of the son, IYKWIM. I have seen it called "gender desire" which is, I think a better name. And one of the reasons I think it's normal and common is that people who have "one of each" are statistically far less likely to have a third than people who have two the same.

FWIW expat immediately after dd died, I read a lot of threads on MN which seemed to me to be trivial. A lot of my thoughts were along the lines of : "Having difficulty breastfeeding, having to give formula? At least you have a baby to give formula to, you ungrateful cow!" or "Your dd is being cheeky? You should be bloody grateful to have a dd!" but I stopped myself from posting.
When you compare any problem to the loss of a child, it's going to seem trivial. And luckily for most people, those problems are going to be as bad as it gets.
And for ages, I only posted in Bereavement because bereaved Mums were the only ones I could relate to.

Oh, believe me, chip, I thought it was ridiculous before I lost her. But then, I also struggled to conceive our first two children.

I thought it was ridiculous before I had children. It was only when I didn't have a girl that I realised I had always imagined myself with one. If I'd had a girl first, I'd never have realised that.

Wrong, skinny. You are hostile. Thought you were hiding this thread?

Why should I be sad pumkin? because I am. I'm not sad I have boys, I'm sad for what we are missing out on as a family by having a sister/daughter.

I don't agree with the stereotypes either - ds2 is a fantastic shopping companion and hates football!
The point is some parents are entitled to feel sadness or disappointment, and it's not necessarily a reflection of their feelings towards their other children - it may be impossible to tell from the outside, their children and partners may never know how they feel.

its not about gender steriotypes really either, I love feminine boys and am aware of the concept of tom boys (was one). DSs have quite a GN upbringing at home but you can't control society. Anyway a feminine boy is nothing like an actual girl and a tom boy girl is nothing like a boy, they are differentl

I said I always pictured myself with boys, I didn't say I wanted only picutered big butch matcho boys!

and what about peers etc? a girl might choose a football party for herself, but she's more likely to be invited to 20 princess parties

and a tomboy hobby/clothes wise is still very much a girl emotionally, developmentally, and in terms of society issues

my big bitch lesbian cousin is nothing like a male, she's a tomboy female!

another name change fail

I suspect this is actually very common.

Perhaps getting it out in the open and hearing peoples reactions might help? I always wanted a boy but convinced myself I'm having a girl. So much so that when they told me it was a boy it took me a while to get my head round it. But when I started telling people they would say 'boys are the best' and 'little boys are lovely' which helped me get used to it.

are you talking to yourself, annabanana

I haven't found that people say that about a second boy though applepieinthesky

I've had:
"you HAVE to get a girl" - erm, I can't right know, you are aware that you can't TTC your next child when you're currently carrying one right?

"Oh no, people want the perfect family don't they?" "oh really what's that?" "one of each"

"boys are from hell, you need a girl then you'll have someone to help round the house" - seriously! this was yesterday!

"oh, well at least they can share toys" I'm not sure why a DD couldn't use DS's multicoloured lego or hobby horse etc????

"where you hoping for a girl?" (with pity face), never "oh a boy, were you hoping for another"

Its driving me mad and I WANTED another boy not a girl, so I don't think it'ld help the OP much to go public - for some reason people are more polite about what sex you're having or what name you've chosen if the baby is outside not inside

My baby was very wanted after a mc, a tfmr, 3 years and ivf plus a high risk placenta praevia pregnancy. We didn't find out the gender because I always always wanted a little girl and I knew if someone told me "it's a boy" at a scan I would cry and cry.
He is a little boy and I cried when he was born because I'd wanted a girl. I still have moments of disappointment and have big baby girl clothes envy.
I love him so so much. I wouldn't swap the little person he is turning out to be for some unknown girl.
For me being a mummy to a little boy is lovely, the issue is being a parent to a teenage boy, grown up man etc. I just can't imagine it.
He will probably be an only after our problems conceiving. I would love to try for a girl but the thought of 2 boys puts me off lol.
I'm so sorry for those who have lost babies. I don't think there is anything wrong with having a degree of gender disappointment though. I still adore my DS

blacktreacle, it's actually fine, honestly. Ds1 is 16 now and he's lovely, really easygoing and good fun. He's way taller than me now ( not that that's difficult!) and very handsome ( Well I think he is!) and sometimes I look at him and think "Wow, you grew in my tummy!"
Ds2 is 14 and I have to say, has never once given me an ounce of trouble.
Ds3 is 7 and has the most beautiful smile
Ds4 is 4 and utterly adorable.
And oh, they did love having a little sister....

I find this post interesting because I have a son, would like another child and would love to have a daughter too (wasn't bothered with my first) so I wonder if I'd feel disappointment to have another boy? Quite possibly a little.

However, I haven't conceived again yet and so right now my worry is whether I can have another child at all and whether they'd be healthy. I think therefore I should save this thread and reread it if I am lucky enough to have another child.

I think the most important way of getting over gender disappointment and disappointment generally in life is to focus on what you've got and not what you haven't got and I need to remember that too. xx

I thought this thread would disappear! but as it hasn't I just want to say a couple of things.

Chipmonkey and Expat - I'm so so sorry for your losses. I can't imagine what you're going through and I think you're amazing to be magnanimous on something which is trivial - because yes it is trivial! like a lot of threads on mumsnet there is no way this is huge in the grand scheme of things.

For me it's an important thing at this point in my life but of course if I found out my son had a problem or was ill I know that what is between his legs wouldn't be given another thought. What I was trying to do when I started this thread was work through some things myself and put myself in a situation where I could be the best parent I can be when DS2 is here so that he never knows that I was hoping for a girl. I also think that it won't matter to me in the slightest when he is here because he will be a solid, real person that is in my arms and not an abstract idea that I'm missing. I may still be sad that I'll never give birth to a little girl but I don't want that to impact on either of my boys and I think this thread has really helped me realise that I won't - it's really nothing to do with them - it's all about my perception of my family that I had in my head. I know with DS1 that I look at him and marvel at the amazing creature that he is - I don't want him to be a girl now in the slightest but before I met him I did and it seems that feeling is more common than I thought.

It is not a mental health issue - that would be trivialising mental health issues! It's just about a person having a certain view of their future and needed time and help to readjust that image when it doesn't quite look the way they thought - and recognising that they need to readjust to be the best parent they can be.

So this thread has really helped me to work through my feelings and also give myself a break from beating myself up about having those feelings (I was feeling like a terrible mother for my reaction). It's also helped to ignore the stupid comments other people make about having two boys (I'm sure that was a big part of it - I thought having one of each would be easier than two active boys!! no basis behind that of course except societal perception!).

I'm feeling way more positive now and I really really appreciate everyone sharing their stories. I've started suggesting (without telling) my son that the baby (who he already adores!) is a boy (he's being saying for months that he wants a brother)...... of course now he's decided he wants it to be a sister like Charlie and Lola!! But I now feel in a position where i can turn that around - whereas before I just felt sad myself everytime anyone suggested that he might be a girl. I've also told everyone who asks that we don't know but that DS1 wants a brother (just wish he'd stop contradicting me!) and that's helping both me and also helping the reactions I'm getting.

Thanks for letting me indulgent and work it out of my system (I hope!).