Gender disappointment - what to tell people?

[soapnuts]

I?m currently 24 weeks pregnant with DC2. I?m doing a hypnobirthing course and part of the theory is that you have to release any fears that you have about the birth to be able to use the method (in a nutshell). I?m not too worried about the birth itself (DC1?s was pretty easy) but I know that I do have an issue about the gender. I found out at 16 weeks that I was expecting the gender that I really didn?t want. I don?t think there is a huge amount I can do about my own gender disappointment ? I wanted DC1 to be the other gender too! ? and I know it probably won?t matter to me (as much at least) after the birth ? I couldn?t possibly love DC1 any more than I do but this time it?s doubly difficult (as this will likely be my last birth) and I?m struggling to get over it.

We didn?t find out the gender with DC1 but this time we found out secretly (only my DH and my parents know that we even found out). I?m now finding that everyone is asking me what I?m having and I?m sticking to my story that we don?t know and aren?t going to find out and then quickly changing the subject!?. But I don?t think that response is helping me come to terms with the gender and I still feel very detached from the baby. I?m also really uncomfortable lying. I really want to do the hypnobirthing as well and I think this could cause a mental block that might prevent that soooo?

My question is, how can I politely dismiss people who ask me what we?re having without outright lying? I thought about saying ?We?re not telling anyone what we?re having? but I suspect that will just cause more questions. I?ve also tried just replying ?a baby? when they ask what we?re having but that just makes people be more specific!

Any suggestions would be gratefully received! Thanks in advance.

there are a TOTALLY COMPLETELY different set of people who DO prefer a certain gender to a live baby, but I've not ready any hint of sex selection tendancies in the OP's or anyone else's post on here. Only people who are aware of a preference with they didn't CHOOSE to have in the first place and who don't want it to affect their bond with their child

Hiding this thread, it's become incredibly crass.

Hope you are 'ok' expat.

I also worry about my children's school places, I worry about their experience if where I live/the amount I went to church affects their experience in the school they get

Just like I worry about their experience of life if they end up with a mother who has always been totally hopeless and impatient with children of their particular sex

these are ADDITIONAL worries, on top of the standard ones that everyone has about being alive and healthy and not getting hit by a bus etc etc

Everyone has them, am I too pushy? am I not pushy enough etc etc, but on other threads about parenting anxieties you don't get accused of not appreciating that your children are alive

It is crass to belittle someone's feelings just because thongs could be worse. The whole point of feelings/emotions is that you don't get to choose them, they just appear and can surprise you.

I can also answer the why didn't you address it before you conceived question, because with DC2 I had no preference when TTCing, it was only once pregnant that an even stronger anxiety about sex than I had with DC1 emerged - actually being pregnant/having a child on front of you to nurture can suddenly drag up issues and baggage that you didn't know was even there!. Believe me there's enough to worry about when pregnant I definitely didn't choose to add this into the mix!

I think that there are many experiences that you don't truly 'get' until you have had them.
I suspect gender disappointment is a bit baffling to many who haven't experienced it. I strongly suspect that the loss of a child is an experience so profound that it alters the way you see the world forever. It may be easy to dismiss and rail at her comments. Personally I think they shine alight on how that extraordinary and singular loss must give you a perspective that most of us will be glad never to possess.
Maybe sheis wrong. Entirely possible. But I will listen to her because she knows things I hope I never will.

Personally I think the discussion would benefit from people pausing to ponder that for a bit rather than bludgeoning each other. Personally seeing shouty posts aimed at expat is quite hard for me to read when everyone has the option to post with rather more....well it's hard to think of a word really. Kindness I suppose.

Just thought i would come back and share that i had my 20 week scan today and we are having another girl, dh said he is a bit disappointed as he was hoping for a boy..

Does that mean he will love the new child less? like hell does it.

I am also hiding this thread.

i hope that those of you saying people hoping for a certain gender should get a grip or get over it don't say the same things to people with mental health issues or ocd.. after all they are all illnesses of the brain, which i actual think the mind wanting a boy or girl is actually an anxiety experienced.

I have two boys. Not having any more. It would ruin the dynamic of the family as they are now approaching that age where their relationship is blossoming as brothers. What a lovely bond to have - having a brother each as they grow old together. I never had that! I had a brother and always wanted a sister. I was jealous of friends who had a same gender sibling and talked of similar interests. I cannot believe how lucky both my children are to have one another.

I think OP (and I knew you were talking about having two sons from the off, btw) you need to change your mindset and think about how wonderful the world is going to be with two sons in your life. What a glorious gift to have been given to you and your DH!!

Please do not dwell on what you'll most likely never have. It wasn't meant to be. There is a reason for everything that happens in life and it's not always easy to make sense of it at the time (it may take years for the penny to drop). Be excited for your eldest and be so proud that you will be the mother of two sons. You are one lucky woman! :)

Well said Pagwatch.

Pagwatch, hear hear. Wise words.

Skinny, did you attack your dh for expressing a preference and disappointment at your scan today the way you just have on this thread?

And fwiw, nobody has said they love their child any less because of their sex. I still think the child remains pretty abstract for many during pregnancy and the reality usually still results in an adoring mother.

I think it's a pretty complicated issue. I have experienced such disappointment during pgy for my own reasons but I adore my sons - I wouldn't change them for the world, let alone another girl. I have a girl too and I would never change her either - she is such a tomboy and I dote on her too. I cannot explain my negative reactions to finding out my boys were boys and my girl a girl during pregnancy. I wish I could.

Attack, dismiss and sneer. Oh, okay then, the problem is solved as a result. Why not listen and try to understand and then help? Because attacking and dismissing really isn't going to change anything.

I don't swear often but what the fuck are you talking about winky

READ MY POSTS AGAIN...

There are some total idiots on this thread.. why comment on something which has quite obviously not been read properly!!!!

If you read properlywinky you will see i actually was experiencing some anxiety about the sex of my child and was hoping for a girl due to bad experience of boys i interact with daily.

maybe i should name change as that's twice on the same thread my name has been pulled out for attack for no bloody reason.

PagWatch what a fantastic and sensitive post.

I just wanted to say that I dont think gender disappointment is a rational response at all, or an indication of how you feel about your children - I too have wondered if its a mental health issue.

We took over ten years, lots of failure and lots of fertility treatment to finally conceive and carry a baby to term. I was convinced we were having a boy and was absolutely delighted, but we didnt find out. When DD turned out to be a girl I was equally delighted as it really didnt matter, just thought I was so lucky to finally have a baby.

We decided to have a last try to have a second baby in Feb and I got pregnant (now 30 weeks). When ttc and early pregnancy I thought two girls would be fantastic and one of each would be fantastic too (we even thought of a boys name that we agreed on the night before treatment and thought maybe it was a sign), so really really happy to get a positive and all anxiety was about maintaining the pregnancy. At the 20 week scan we found out by accident (as the sonographer 'forgot' that we had told him 5 mins before that we didnt want to know) that we were having a boy.

I was totally unprepared for my reaction which was wholly negative and I was very upset. DH was furious with me. It took me a couple of weeks to get through it and DD's (2.5) delight at the idea of having a baby brother really helped. I hated feeling like that and know that my true feelings about being very lucky to have another baby were being hidden somewhere behind my strange response to the gender. Having ttc for so long makes me feel even more guilty (and like I dont deserve another child or that I am bringing down something to go wrong on me) and I still dont understand my reaction. I am very ashamed about it.

I have to say, through all those years of ttc and being childless, I would have been really angry and thoroughly disgusted with anyone talking about gender disappointment and having the reaction that I did and I would have thought I would have been the last person on earth to experience it.

I think the thing to remember is that it's not all about you - it's also about giving your first child a sibling and think of it in terms of being excited for them. It is selfish to think it's about what you want all the time, when in fact it's really about the next generation and how your two siblings will get along in life when you're not there. And I say this as someone who knows having a daughter just isn't happening in the future for me, but I don't feel unhappy about that anymore. I've accepted what I've got.

Does gender disappointment only occur when you already have a child and your anxieties are based on how you feel about your previous children or is it based on other children you interact with?

Lambik, that's very honest.

I think it is not a rational feeling; gender disappointment, and that is why people can get annoyed/upset over it.

It is like knowing what you SHOULD feel, yet feeling something else. But you cannot help how you feel about something, only how you deal with those feelings.

I do wonder why women with this affliction are always disappointed about boys though...

"I do wonder why women with this affliction are always disappointed about boys though..."

I know, something I feel comes up all the time on threads like this. It's never 'oh no another girl!'. Quite sad really, as boys generally are meant to be easier to raise. They have their merits just like girls do.

I think if your first is a girl and you were expecting a boy, and vice versa most couples think 'oh well, there's always next time' and they just adjust their way of thinking with the first child because they know there's another chance they may get the opposite sex child second time round. But if they don't, then it really will hit the mother hard especially if only two children was all they wanted (with one of each being the ideal).

"Does gender disappointment only occur when you already have a child and your anxieties are based on how you feel about your previous children or is it based on other children you interact with?"
I had it with my first, but it was MUCH more intense with my second and I wasn't expecting that because when TTCing no2 I had no preference. I got my preference with my first (Boy) so what if I had a girl? would she know I prefered DS's sex (she probably would because even if I thought she was the best thing since sliced bread, I can't see myself being as tolerant of her friends especially once they get to that single sex social stage when its girl parties and boy parties etc. A princess party is my idea of HELL!) OR would I over spoil her to hide my gender preference from her thus making DS feel less preferred?

"I do wonder why women with this affliction are always disappointed about boys though.."
Do they? maybe I'm the only one on the thread who prefers boys but in real life I think its more 50/50

I think a lot of this comes from the fact that these days people generally only have 2 or 3 children, in days gone by you would have had loads whether you wanted them or not in a lot of cases so the chances are you would have had a mixture, also as infant mortality was so high you were just happy you and the baby survived. Nowadays we can buy whatever we want, we can control almost everything apart from the sex of our children.

My personal experience is that I always wanted a little girl, I had DD1 was delighted, with DD2 always though she was going to be a girl and was never disappointed with her gender (as it turns out she's a total tomboy) when I was pregnant with DD3 the number of people who would asked if I was praying for a boy/hoping for a boy etc I would say no it's anther girl and were delighted, "oh maybe they are wrong" was the replies. I even had people making sad aww faces when she was born. That really annoyed me as she was and still is utterly adorable. When she was born DH did turn round only once and say that he was sad he would never have a son.

We then decided to have no4, assuming it would be DD4, in no way were we hoping for a boy, when we got told he was a boy I was upset, I had 4 DDs in my mind, had her names chosen etc I couldn't get my head around being mum to a boy. DH was delighted I was a bit mmm. Of course the minute he was plopped on me I feel hopelessly in love with him. He's 2 now and a total mummies boy. but it still winds me up about all the " you can stop now you have your boy" and say how wonderful it is we finally have a boy especially in front of my DDs.

Children's personalities are all so different I think what is or isn't between their legs is pretty irrelevant.

Maybe it should be a reconised mental health problem as having more than a slight prefrence is clearly not rational feeling amongst most people.
Even if you get the child you desire it doesn't always mean said boy will be "masculine" & it doesn't mean said girl will be "feminine" -them what?

The main concern for a mentally stable person is that their child is healthy.
When it comes down to what pil, parents and what others want that doesn't matter either as their prefrence is of unimportance and really all they should hope for is a healthy baby.
Its ok to have a prefrence but upon finding out the 'sex' there should be no reason to be upset or disapointed with the outcome.
I think too many mothers set themselves up with what sex they expect to be having before scan/birth and maybe it becomes so ingrained in their minds as to what they are having, that they can't possibly believe or want to accept the alternitive iyswim.
Thats the only possible explanation to my mind as to why women & their family members become dissapointed.
Fwiw i do not agree with it whatsoever, we should all be happy to have healthy babies but for some its obviously a mental health problem which needs addressing.

I think that would make sense, but it's almost too logical, one of the people in RL who I know admits to gender disappointment has a very large family

and I've already got a boy, so I thought that that would reduce my preference with no 2 but it didn't at all, I was far more anxious about the prospect of having a girl and very relieved to be having another boy.. I'm not sure that having even more children would "cure" me to be honest. If I close my eyes and picture being a mum I see little boys running around, I've tried to make myself see girls, but I just can't! I even bought little girl clothes before I had my scan this time to try and start to picture the possibility of me having a daughter.. but it didn't work

funnily enough, another friend who admits to gender disappointment, got her less preferred sex with no 1, but when pregnant with no2 her gender disappointment flipped and she desperately wanted the same sex as no1 (which was the one she didn't prefer first time round)!

"I think that would make sense, but it's almost too logical" this was to sweetkitty's post, x posted with pumpkin

"Fwiw i do not agree with it whatsoever" noone's defending it as a good thing, noone likes having an extra thing to worry about

what we are saying though is it has no relationship whatsoever with wanting a healthy happy live child, well not for the particular type of gender disappointment that is being discussed on this thread anyway!

I am delighted with my son. I always knew he was going to be a boy. The thing I hate this time around is that everybody is making out that I secretly hope this will be a girl. I GENUINELY don´t care. But I understand that sometimes there is almost a pressure on you to have the other flayva. I´m sick of the topic already.

The way I see it, if its a boy, my son will over the moon and he gets to have a brother and friend and i know how to deal with willies and cars and snot. If its a girl, also good. I´m actually rooting for a boy though because so many people seem to prefer girls - it makes me so sad.

We are more than our genders, people!