Gender disappointment - what to tell people?

[soapnuts]

I?m currently 24 weeks pregnant with DC2. I?m doing a hypnobirthing course and part of the theory is that you have to release any fears that you have about the birth to be able to use the method (in a nutshell). I?m not too worried about the birth itself (DC1?s was pretty easy) but I know that I do have an issue about the gender. I found out at 16 weeks that I was expecting the gender that I really didn?t want. I don?t think there is a huge amount I can do about my own gender disappointment ? I wanted DC1 to be the other gender too! ? and I know it probably won?t matter to me (as much at least) after the birth ? I couldn?t possibly love DC1 any more than I do but this time it?s doubly difficult (as this will likely be my last birth) and I?m struggling to get over it.

We didn?t find out the gender with DC1 but this time we found out secretly (only my DH and my parents know that we even found out). I?m now finding that everyone is asking me what I?m having and I?m sticking to my story that we don?t know and aren?t going to find out and then quickly changing the subject!?. But I don?t think that response is helping me come to terms with the gender and I still feel very detached from the baby. I?m also really uncomfortable lying. I really want to do the hypnobirthing as well and I think this could cause a mental block that might prevent that soooo?

My question is, how can I politely dismiss people who ask me what we?re having without outright lying? I thought about saying ?We?re not telling anyone what we?re having? but I suspect that will just cause more questions. I?ve also tried just replying ?a baby? when they ask what we?re having but that just makes people be more specific!

Any suggestions would be gratefully received! Thanks in advance.

I think on the whole it tends to be women wanting girls that's all, I totally understand that people have preferences and it can be disheartening if you feel this is your last pregnancy but never say never and as you know deep down you will love this one just as much, I agree with previous posters where I would start saying now I don't know and do t mind either way although I know another little boy would be great for ds and I have all the clothes etc do start putting that spin on it now so people will think you got what you were happy with, personally I think 2 of the same sex is brilliant and they are much more likely to be close and play together but whatever you get no ones experience will ever be yours so don't let there negativity or experiences make up one for you before he is even born

We knew, but didn't want to tell. I used to say "I'd like a dinosaur, but DH is hoping for a giraffe". That told 'em!

wether i have a boy or a girl, i will love them exactly the same unconditionally and to my death.

However, what i am saying is that i don't feel it is wrong to have a preference on what sex child i would like to have, for example my friend has 3 girls when having her third she said she would love a boy but the whole dynamic would shift so much a girl would be easier to fit in.

The boys in our family are notoriously trouble causers, and the girls are notoriously very well behaved it is very strange. maybe it is genes maybe it is parenting...

I am off to 'get a grip' as it was so nicely put.

I was totally convinced dc2 was a girl, my pregnancy was a complete contrast to the one with ds1, and looking back, dammit I really wanted a girl.
When they said boy at the scan I felt tears well up in my eyes. It wasn't that I was ungrateful, just a bit of a shock, totally unexpected. Dh and ds1 were thrilled - I remember ds1 actually punching the air and shouting "Yes! A brother!" I couldn't quite share it then, but the excitement did come, and I fell utterly completely in love with him the second I saw him, delivery gunk and all.

Re telling people, I didn't tell the world, but I did tell close friends and family when they asked. Each time it got easier to say, to accept. No one knows I felt like that. Tbh even dh doesn't know how long it took me to get over it, he thinks it was just a fleeting wistful feeling. I've felt no need to disabuse him of that, as now ds2 is here it really is irrelevant.

Two boys is ACE btw, and big hairy dangly things to anyone who says otherwise!

"The boys in our family are notoriously trouble causers, and the girls are notoriously very well behaved it is very strange. maybe it is genes maybe it is parenting.."
maybe its just living up to the above!

I would love a girl as much as my boy, but I worry that I would not PARENT her as well, that I would be more reluctant to have her friends round if she was in with a girly bunch, that I would love her as I love DS, but I mightn't LIKE her as much - I like 99% of little boys I come across, I find little chaps so cute! but I probably only properly like maybe 20% of the little girls I come across, most do my head in! they did when I WAS a little girl! I can't be doing patta-cake etc with them for hours on end I didn't get that or dollies or screaming at spiders when I WAS a little girl - yes I know they're not ALL like that, I wasn't, but I was in the minority, most are especially once they start getting more influenced by their peers

I find girls hard work, I find the old saying "boys wreck your house but girls wreck your head" true to my experiences, It doesn't exhaust me to have a load of boys running around but most little girls mentally tire and bore me

OP .. It sounds like you are only planning to have 2? In which case, 2 boys will be easier than a boy and a girl, honestly. They are much more likely to share toys, interests, girlfriends :)

The grown ups in my life that are from different sex siblings are not that close to each other. Same sex, much much more so.

Congratulations on your pregnancy by the way.

Skinny, when I wrote that, not one other poster had expressed themselves in the way you did or said anything negative about little boys (based, it seems, on a minuscule sample). I don't know where you got "90% of posters said the same" from.

They didn't. At that point, it was just you.

I stand by my comment and sincerely hope you have a little boy - you need one

OP
I understand where you are coming from. I have 2 boys and a girl. I would love another girl to even things out but I am sure this baby will be a boy. I am coming to terms with it and know it will be fine when the baby is born.

The weird thing is it is a totally irrational thing to want. Based on my current experience I find my boys much easier to deal with. They are far less complicated and definitely require less attention than my DD. They are really loving and I wouldn't change having them for the world.

Two boys will be lovely x

Puffpants..

Maybe you should have a good old proper read of the thread then...especially drawing your attention to the title especially the bit that says 'gender disappointment' as this is what i was commenting on... my own in put of which as a chat forum i think that is the way it works.

i don't agree with everyone on here, am i rude to them? no.. do i tell them to get a grip?? no. it is called being polite and respecting others. try it.

I knew in my heart that DC1 was a boy before he was born and I was right. Whilst I really didn't mind either way, I was kind of hoping for a girl. We didn't find out the gender because I wanted DH to be the one to tell me when he/she finally popped out.

DS is a year in a few weeks and I couldn't love anything more. He is a cheeky ball of mischief and love and is apparently exactly how I was when I was a baby. I would love to have a daughter one day but either gender presents their own challenges (I was a bastard nightmare teen!)

I have a DH, two male dogs and a baby boy so we're definitely male heavy but if I was to have another one, I would definitely be more relaxed about the gender. Knowing how wonderful it is to have a baby boy, I can only be excited about the possibility of another regardless.

It is ok to be disappointed, it doesn't mean you will love them any less. The disppointment isn't in the baby itself, it's in the loss of possibility that you attach to a particular gender. If I weren't to have a girl, it would mean I would never be mother of the bride, I would never have a mini me to put in a dress and all the other stuff you think about.

And it's ok to feel sad not to have that. Don't beat yourself up OP. For what it's worth, I want 3 babies and people say to me "but what if you have 3 boys?" - I don't care. I would love 3 boys. I realised that its not the gender, it's the number. I'm one of 3 obviously!

I didn't mind what I had the first time, but my DH expressed a preference for a girl, because he said "I would love it if they were just like you" (aww).

Well, he got that. In the form of a son who looks like me, has my nature, and is just a total chip off the mum block.

I never understand how girls are thought to be easier than boys - my DS is only 2 but all the boys in our group are a million times easier than the girls, they are much more capable of amusing themselves, seem to cry a lot less, and I don't think one of them has been clingy. The girls are lovely too, but just seem to need a lot more motherly input.

I am now pg with a second DS and was quite relieved when we found out. DS 1 will love having another boy to play with, and I am not really a girly woman anyway, so haven't really ever done the "shopping days out and make overs" type activities with my own mum.

It's hard when you have an "image" of what your family will look like, but I do agree with a poster up ahead who said that same sex siblings do seem to get on better as they get older.

ozzie i think you may have hit a nail there, maybe some women feel that with a girl they are more needed as they require the emotional support and and all the other bits that are involved, a boy will always need his mum but they become more independent mote quickly?

as mothers we nurture and protect and we have a need to do that, maybe i am talking total bollocks but looking from another perspective that might be it.

I just say 'we're having a surprise' - as someone else said, it will be a surprise to everyone else! If they pursue it and ask if we know, I start talking about gender stereotyping and they soon get bored.

The way I saw it, before the 20wk scan, two babies existed equally in my mind and afterwards only one did. It's ok to be sad for the one you imagined but isn't there. I still think about the other one but I have bonded with my baby now and just love it, I don't think about the sex. It may sound silly but with all the Olympics stuff it felt like I could imagine telling my baby in the future, you were there... And it felt like I was 'taking' it to places, to see the torch relay, to the park, to the theatre. Hopefully it will be the same if you focus on the future relationship with your DS and other lovely stuff. Good luck and don't beat yourself up about any feelings you have.

Gender disappointment. As the mother of a child who died, I can't say I will ever understand this. You have a child, a healthy child, a child who is alive.

Get.a.grip.

Expat. i am very sorry for your loss. no one is saying they the love their child less because of it sex.

No, they're 'disappointed' in its gender, Skinny. Ridiculous, IMO and that of several others.

I have four dds and i love them so much.
Im happy with the children im blessed with.
Having lost my teenage brother to cancer i cannot see why anyone would care what sex their child is!!! Be happy your children are healthy and alive.
If you don't want a boy/girl don't have a baby full stop-Simples!!

Tell your people the truth

I have three boys and will find out this month whether dc4 is a boy or a girl.

Everyone keeps telling me they have their fingers crossed for a girl, it might be my girl this time etc and it's driving me mad.

In all honestly I really don't mind whether it's a boy or a girl - secretly I would prefer another boy! I love my wonderful little men to bits and am so proud walking around with my three boys but I just know that if he is a boy I will have to put up with sympathy and commiserations for the next few months. No one believes me when I say I would be happy with a boy or a girl, it's almost as though boys are inferior!

So I won't be telling anyone that we have found out the sex.

"Be happy your children are healthy and alive"

FGS do you think that ANYONE who suffers from gender dissappointment would rather a dead or ill child than their less prefered sex?

people with gender preferences want their babies to be alive and well EVERY INCH AS MUCH as people without gender preferences

how DARE you imply that I or others with gender preferences don't wish our babies to be live and well any less than you do!

bit of a dodgy double negative there but you know what I mean!

talking about gender disappointment is about exploring our anxieties about what kind of PARENT we'll be to our much WANTED children, if they happened to be the gender we feel less confident raising... we worry about it BECAUSE WE LOVE AND WANT OUR CHILDREN!

and FWIW some people who have lost children themselves still have these worries about raising a particular sex! You can't make it go "puff" by pointing out that some people loose their children - who doesn't know that? it doesn't DO anything to help people with gender anxieties as they are often rooted very deep and the only way to over come them is to EXPLORE them - not to be told to get a grip! So that they don't just get repressed and affect the child throughout it's live! its SOOO much better for the child if parents are ALLOWED to acknowledge and explore these issues in order to properly over come them - which is an uncomfortable labour of love! if we didn't love and want our children we wouldn't be inclined to work though it now would we?

Lacking, expat very recently lost her DD. I know you may well not know that, just mentioning it.

How DARE I? Oh, please! It's not enough to have a healthy child? Two of them in the OP's case (both of which she was gender disappointed in). Have to have 'gender disappointment'? Ever thought of 'exploring' it before you conceive? Seems the logical thing to do.

and I'm sorry for her loss, I'ld be just as sorry for her loss if she had had parenting anxieties about raising certain genders before it happened - NOONE wants something like that to happen less than anyone else

Noone with gender preferences wants their child to be alive and well less than anyone else!

NOBODY is a perfect blank canvas parent, everyone carries their own set of issues from life/their own childhood. It is a GOOD thing to be at least aware of this!

IME it is not that you are (or will be) disappointed with the child you are getting but that you are disappointed about the child you aren't getting.

Saying "just be glad they are alive and healthy" is stupid. Rather like saying "at least you have other children". Totally unhelpful and not at all nice.

No one sets out to feel like this. I was gutted to discover DS2 was a boy shortly before he was born. It didn't stop me loving him from the moment I set eyes on him and I had dealt with my disappointment about not having a daughter (at the time he was going to be my last child). Fast forward 4 years and I was gutted to discover DD was a girl. She ruined my boy gang! I loved her right away too..