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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Finding out the sex at the scan - why not?

102 replies

MakesCakesWhenStressed · 16/08/2011 18:58

So we have the big anomaly scan soon. I want to find out, DH doesn't. As the first joint parenting decision we make I don't want to just ride roughshod over him, even though he has indicated that he would be willing to reconsider, so I'm making up a pros/cons list for myself.

I have 8 reasons why we should find out, but only 2 on the why not and one of them is the (imho) completely lame "so we get a surprise on the day" - as if being a parent suddenly isn't enough of a friggin' surprise.

So help me make a balanced decision here - what are good reasons not to find out, other than the above and the fact that the scan may not be 100% reliable?

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DaveGrohlsgirl · 16/08/2011 19:01

I found out the sex both times............but I don't really like surprises
TBH, it focussed us on names, it made the baby feel like a real person before he / she was actually here, and it made it easier to decorate the rooms
Me and DH were agreed on finding out though.

Original poster

MakesCakesWhenStressed · 16/08/2011 19:04

I totally agree about making the baby feel like a real person, but I'm trying to be balanced here.

OP posts:

GwendolineMaryLacey · 16/08/2011 19:04

I just had my scan today and found out the sex. It's meant we can tell DD exactly what's coming (only told her today), cut down on gaffing about with names for a child we're not going to get and means I don't have to wash and iron all DD's clothes in order to give them away.

Ultimately, I like the fact that I've got 20 weeks to mull it over and enjoy it before she arrives. I always think the surprise that everyone bangs on about is lost in the chaos of childbirth. By the time you actually squeeze them out, you don't really care if it's a boy, girl or chimp!

GwendolineMaryLacey · 16/08/2011 19:04

faffing around, obviously.

PiggyMad · 16/08/2011 19:07

So you get gender-neutral clothes/ accessories from people that can be re-used in another pregnancy? That's why we aren't going to tell anyone (we are finding out ourselves though but telling people we haven't).

My mum doesn't want to know either, so telling other people wouldn't be fair.

The scan might not be accurate and then you find out on the day that you're having the opposite of what you're told. Unlikely, yes, but it does happen.

tabulahrasa · 16/08/2011 19:07

because they're not 100% accurate and I'd expect thinking it was definitely one and coming out the other would be quite upsetting - in a 'that's not the baby I imagined' way...

um, people will buy you more pink or blue tat because they'll have more time to find it

thats all I can think of really, lol

ReelAroundTheFountain · 16/08/2011 19:08

I haven't found out with any of mine (currently pg with dc3). I don't think there is a list of rational reasons why not though, purely an emotional 'I want to find out at the end'. I've loved the 'it's a boy!' moment, it felt like a kind of reward after the hard work

The other thing is for other people, I liked the whole announcement being news rather than just the name or weight.

I do love surprises though.

Original poster

MakesCakesWhenStressed · 16/08/2011 19:10

I wouldn't mind just us finding out, but keeping it from the rest of the world... my mum and sister might kill me, though :)

OP posts:

PiggyMad · 16/08/2011 19:10

So you can keep guessing and have fun with different old wives' tales regarding the sex?

Original poster

MakesCakesWhenStressed · 16/08/2011 19:11

I'll get the pendant out now shall I?

OP posts:

PiggyMad · 16/08/2011 19:12

I also agree about the announcement too - that's the first thing people ask when they've found out you've had it.

BertieBasset · 16/08/2011 19:13

Ah I had a "surprise" both times and I loved it. I still felt my baby was a real person not knowing what sex they were!

I am notoriously bad at keeping secrets though so if I had known the world would have known whereas some people keep it to themselves. Personally, and of course it is just a personal preference, I think it is a shame somehow when I know what a baby is and what s/he will be called 4 months before they are born. For me it takes the excitement away - but each to their own.

I really didn't feel the surprise was lost in childbirth, for me both times it was the highlight, to look down and see whether we had a son or a daughter. Both times I had a daughter and both times I thought I was having a son - so they really were surprises .

I can't explain why it is so wonderful, but for me it was. I want another one (dd2 only 9 weeks so a while off yet!) and wouldn't find out again. Practically though it does make sense to find out I guess, and if I had twins I think I may want to know to sort out the logistics. I can totally see the pro's for finding out, but can't explain why I think it better not to. Hopefully someone more eloquent than me will explain!

PiggyMad · 16/08/2011 19:14

I'm trying here makescakes!! But there are limited 'reasons'! I'm quite looking forward to people looking at size/height of bump etc and hypothesizing, knowing that I'll know

Original poster

MakesCakesWhenStressed · 16/08/2011 19:16

lol - I'm kind of leaning your way Piggy - though I might want to tell parents... Sorry, my sarcastic came out a bit more mean than I intended it!

OP posts:

Moulesfrites · 16/08/2011 19:18

I didn't find out and loved being handed my ds and seeing for myself that he was a he! I agree about buying the gender neutral stuff too.

One thing I don't get though is when people do find out and then say "but my mum doesn't want to know" so you have to pussyfoot around them and be careful with your pronouns for the rest of the pregnancy! It is your decision to find out and I don't think other relatives should dictate whether they know or not!

PiggyMad · 16/08/2011 19:20

Hehe don't you believe in the power of pendants
I'm worried that I'll find out and get very excited and want to tell everyone. I also don't want pink or blue overload of stuff which is another reason I don't want to tell. My DH is pretty much non-committal so we might just see how we feel on tha day. Might not be able to see anything anyway I suppose!

shonnomanom · 16/08/2011 19:24

I met a random lady yesterday who insisting on telling me why I shouldnt find out the gender. Even though I told her we werent finding out. Anyway, apparently she was told she was having a boy, but it turned out her baby girl had swollen genitals at birth. An easy mistake apparently....

PiggyMad · 16/08/2011 19:24

moules I understand what you mean about being careful with pronouns around family etc, but I don't feel strongly about telling everyone and would rather others don't know, even though I want to, so it isn't really an issue with my mum. If I wanted to broadcast it then her not wanting to know wouldn't alter my view.

MrsBloomingTroll · 16/08/2011 19:25

We haven't found out either time. It's nice to keep guessing and discuss names for both genders, not to know the baby's name before you've met them face-to-face.

We used to know someone who was told one sex and it was wrong. They got over it, but it was a real shock for them.

My SIL found out their baby's sex and they only told MIL. I then went shopping with MIL and guessed the baby's sex (although I didn't let on to SIL) because MIL was only looking at baby girl clothes...the secret will get out!

LikeACandleButNotQuite · 16/08/2011 19:32

This might sound a little harsh, but I feel that it is irrelevant to me whether my bump is pink or blue.

Its our first, so no hand-me-downs or siblings to consider.
Neither me or DH have either an inclin or a preference.
We both love colours such as navy, red, purple, green - dislike pastel pink and blue. All of the bits we have bought are neutral, bordering on boyish, which is how we would dress a DS or a DD (our own clothing style is boyish!)
I don't want to 'wish away' the baby's life by being able to picture it too much IYSWIM.

If people don't know what we are having, they tend to not -bore- inform us of "boys will be...." "girls will be...." facts

I genuinely am just so happy that there's a baby in there, and have a secret little 'glow' at the thought of after pushing and pushing, DH being the one who looks and tells me what we have.

breatheslowly · 16/08/2011 19:35

We didn't as I know someone who was told they were having a girl and had a boy. I don't think I would want my son's masculinity undermined by the story "on the scan your willy was so small that they thought you were a girl".

I did really like the surprise at the end - it gives you something to truely announce too. And it was a real surprise to me as I had convinced myself that we were having a boy, based on no evidence what so ever.

Original poster

MakesCakesWhenStressed · 16/08/2011 19:37

See, now that's the problem - I've convinced myself I'm having a girl. I want a girl. I don't want to be 'disappointed' the first time I meet my baby. I'd rather have 20 weeks to adjust if that was the case...

OP posts:

Bumpsadaisie · 16/08/2011 19:37

I really don't know why not - but I know people have different views on this. Many people have insisted to me that it is much better to have a "surprise". I just smile and let it wash over. Personally I found DDs birth surprising enough as it was. It was nice that everyone was able to talk to her by name during birth and encourage her to come out!

We were desperate to find out and I feel it really helped us bond with DD last time round.

This time around at 20 weeks DC2 had legs his/her crossed! I think there would have been less time to focus on this pregnancy anyway with a toddler running around, but both DH and I feel we haven't bonded with him/her in quite the same way as with DD by the same stage, not least because we don't know the gender and therefore his/her name! When DD is in bed we sit on the sofa and chat to "bump" while watching TV, but it is not the same as being able to use his or her name. "Bump" just feels like a total unknown quantity to us at the mo, much as we love it.

Have a scan in a couple of weeks (32 weeks, to check re low lying placenta) and we really hope we will be able to find out. If not we will pay for a gender scan privately, even though there is only 8 weeks to go.

I need to know! I want to talk to my son or my daughter and call them by their name! Its nothing to do with practicalities, buying blue or pink stuff, etc etc - all our newborn stuff is white and will do for DC2 whatever the sex.

mistressploppy · 16/08/2011 19:44

I'm a BIG fan of waiting and having a surprise, for all sorts of reasons already posted above.

But....I think if you have a preference either way, it could be better to find out, so you can 'adjust', as you say, OP.

Sorry, not helpful....

pruney1977 · 16/08/2011 19:49

We agreed not to find out because we both had a preference beforehand for girls. As the pregnancy has progressed, I no longer care particularly what the sex of our child is but there is probably a little bit of me that would prefer a girl and if we'd found out it was a boy, I was worried I'd feel a little negative and after such a long time TTC I really didn't want any negative feelings. And I'm sure that whatever pops out after all the pushing, I'll be so pleased labour is over and I have my baby that I won't care what sex it is. So in a nutshell, reason for not finding out is I might have been disappointed at the scan but I won't be once I've given birth.

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