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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Finding out the sex at the scan - why not?

102 replies

MakesCakesWhenStressed · 16/08/2011 18:58

So we have the big anomaly scan soon. I want to find out, DH doesn't. As the first joint parenting decision we make I don't want to just ride roughshod over him, even though he has indicated that he would be willing to reconsider, so I'm making up a pros/cons list for myself.

I have 8 reasons why we should find out, but only 2 on the why not and one of them is the (imho) completely lame "so we get a surprise on the day" - as if being a parent suddenly isn't enough of a friggin' surprise.

So help me make a balanced decision here - what are good reasons not to find out, other than the above and the fact that the scan may not be 100% reliable?

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Crosshair · 17/08/2011 21:10

If we have a girl shes going to be a boisterous dragon slayer clad in head to toe pink!

beatofthedrum · 17/08/2011 21:12

I found out both times and I think one of the lovely things about finding out is, you want what you have, if that makes sense. It's YOUR baby and whatever gender it is, once it's sunk in you'll think that's absolutely the best, the greatest thing it's X or it's Y because it's YOURS and that makes it the ultimate baby! Must admit I had no preference either time (I did mind hugely whether boy or girl but both seemed equally brilliant) but the minute I heard which gender I thought 'THAT'S what I wanted in my heart all along' and I am 100% sure I'd have felt that way whichever gender it was.

notlettingthefearshow · 17/08/2011 22:38

I'm 21 weeks with my first and we've decided to wait because ...

It's just so exciting!
We don't have a preference and won't be disappointed either way
We don't need to know
We don't want pink or blue tat

I would possibly want to know if...

It was my second baby (to tell the first child)
One of us had a preference; to give us time to adjust
I was having problems bonding with the baby

I didn't think I would be able to wait so long, but somehow we're managing and we love the excitement!

stripeymummy · 18/08/2011 07:11

I think it's personal preference, there is no real logical reason to/to not find out, it's about what you want.

We found out, and I've been using the we're disorganised it'll be good to be ready for something. This is really bollocks, we just wanted to know. I don't think it detracts from the excitement, cos their gender is only one part of them, I'm still peeing myself with excitement with meeting her.

We did have a couple of mutterings from family about finding out and telling them. DHs response was that they should bugger off, it's our child and our decision.

Don't feel pressure/guilt either way. Be truly selfish about it :o

Tortoiseonthehalfshell · 18/08/2011 07:21

SEX, people. You're finding out - or not finding out - the SEX. Not the gender.

Ahem.

Anyway. My main reason for not finding out was because I didn't want anyone, including me, to project characteristics onto this little person ahead of meeting them, based on what they had between their legs. And people do, you know? Oh, it'll be a boy because it kicks so much. Oh, a daughter, that'll be lovely because you'll have a more intimate bond. Not even born and people are already telling you who your baby will be.

Of course, they'll do that as soon as the baby pops out if you do wait, which is still far too soon really. But I wanted to...give mine some time just being a person, without the expectations of the world upon them. If that makes sense.

(also, my in-laws are really vocal about wanting boys, and I like to annoy them)

redheadbedhead · 18/08/2011 07:29

THANKYOU Tortoise!!! Jesus, I was starting to think that the word SEX was banned on MN.

Ephiny · 18/08/2011 07:33

I don't have strong feelings on it, but would think we might as well be told, if the sonographer knows anyway what's the point in them keeping it secret. I wouldn't have a scan just for the purpose of finding out, but if the scan is being done anyway for diagnostic reasons then why not. it would come much, much lower down on my list of concerns though than finding out that everything is OK with the pregnancy and baby, and I'm sure that's true for everyone!

I'm also not a big fan of surprises for their own sake!

I'd be tempted not to tell anyone else though, for the reasons Tortoise mentions...

twooter · 18/08/2011 07:50

I don't get why so many peope need to know the sex in order to bond? I didn't find out with any of mine - although came close withe the last, and yet I still loved the babies within me.

Eviepoo · 18/08/2011 07:54

I really don't like 'baby pink and baby blue' coloured clothes - neutral is so much nicer in my book. This way I haven't been bought any, I've also made it clear that I have plenty newborn and first size neutral stuff. That no one in any way is obliged to buy us a gift (even though I know some will) so hopefully I won't get masses of 'baby' stuff and people will choose stuff for older babies.

They get it wrong and I have proof!! I was told DS at scan - had DD!! and it was kinda cool. I felt like she was her own self and she was so gorgeous and bonded immediatly. Dispite thinking she was a boy for 21w.

It's been fun to hear everyones guesses

We have our own fun talking about it - including DD!

We genuinely don't care either way (DD would prefer DS she said)

This week has been really crap - but I am going to find out within the next 10 days what I have and it's keeping me excited.

Sounds awful but my mum is being a bit of a know it all....one less bit of information for her to know it all about.

I actually am more curious so see if it's another blonde blue eyed tall one :)

Importantly DH also wants to have that moment at birth when he see's and they say 'mr eviepoo it's a...' he is totally excited for that moment.

We are looking forward to announcing this birth with all details to everyone

These are my reasons - everyone has their own for either way. it's for you and your DH/DP to choose together.

SheCutOffTheirTails · 18/08/2011 08:17

We didn't find out either time.

We were a little like you guys - I figured "why not find out?", DH wanted to wait (has a bit of a "thing" about not unwrapping presents before Christmas :o)

In the end it turned out our hospital doesn't tell you. That made our decision for us. We could have asked (they weren't that strict about it if the sonographer could see easily) or had a private scan, but I wasn't that bothered.

I thought like you that the "surprise" on the day would be meaningless, but actually I really like finding out that way.

The fact that you have a gender preference, and think you might be disappointed if you are told it is a boy, makes me think you should reconsider finding out in advance.

Why spend half your pregnancy dealing with feelings of disappointment?

You are very unlikely to be disappointed when your baby is born - it's too exciting, momentous, incredible to allow for "oh bollocks, I don't want a boy".

You will be meeting your baby - that is not (in the majority of cases) a time for disappointment any more than it is a time that needs an extra surprise to make it more special (although I found the surprise did make it more special).

I didn't find out for my second, and should I have any more I would not want to know. The anomaly scan - a medical procedure where they are checking for problems - doesn't seem quite the right time to find out.

I also think it makes no practical difference unless you are obsessed with gender stereotyping.

Crosshair · 18/08/2011 13:13

Had my scan, healthy, 99% boy. :)

GwendolineMaryLacey · 18/08/2011 13:30

Congratulations Crosshair! :)

It's all getting a bit pompous in here. Some people like to find out, some people don't. Yes, the anomaly scan is to give the baby a medical examination but once that is done I see no harm in spending 30 seconds looking for the sex, if it hasn't already been obvious to them. If you marched straight in and asked for the first thing they check to be the sex then you'd have a point.

And some people like baby pink and baby blue. It's become very unfashionable on MN to say so but those who don't are not better parents. It's not a big deal.

Crosshair · 18/08/2011 13:51

Thank you :o

Yeah we forgot all about the sex untill it was mentioned at the end by the sonographer, was amazing seeing everything working in a step by step fashion. I think after having the scan I can safely say it was nice to find out, but if it wasnt possible I wouldnt of been bothered. Its a great experience whatever you choose.

FootsFirst · 19/08/2011 09:28

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet.

beatofthedrum · 19/08/2011 09:31

Congratulations crosshair...so exciting!

Catsycat · 19/08/2011 11:03

Oh Foots, that's a shame! I hope you were happy with whatever sex you were told. Maybe the consultant will be wrong, and you'll get a surprise anyway!!!!

H007 · 19/08/2011 12:02

I really don't understand this "oh I want a surprise" mentality... I mean surely it is a surprise whether you find out at 20 weeks or 40 weeks?? I am expecting a baby girl and she has a little character already and a name (which no-one knows) the way I see it I still may get a "surprise" at 40 weeks if she is a little boy haha... With our decision it was just a want to know and a dislike of my baby being an "it"...

SurprisEs · 19/08/2011 22:09

Congratulations crosshair.

This gender stereotype talk is getting boring and old.
My daughter's pram is bright pink, as girly and loud as I could find because that was my personal taste and I was the one pushing the damn thing.
Doesn't meen I don't let her play with dinosaurs or that I make her wear a tutu. There is nothing wrong with a bit of pink or blue. And no it doesn't make the parent pushy or a bit forceful on the issue of personality, it is just about taste (good or bad who is to tell?)

FootsFirst · 19/08/2011 22:16

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet.

Crosshair · 19/08/2011 22:17

Cheers. :) Sorry you ended up finding out Foots!

I'm now all about the blue, race cars and dinosaurs. ROAR :D

Baby2b · 19/08/2011 22:26

I have to say I couldn't think of a good reason to not find out. Thought it would still be a surprise either way. My dh and I weren't sure if we would be told and went to the scan knowing the focus was on checking for anomalies. We had it confirmed at the end of the scan it was a boy (to prevent people crying through scan!).

In hindsight I am really pleased that I found out. I had suffered with hg and up until that point the pregnancy felt more like an illness. It made it seem more real to say he rather than it.

I don't think there is a right or wrong answer to this, just personal preference. As for gender stereotyping, I have one blue blanket and been given older boys clothes. All my newborn items have still ended up neutral as has my pram. It is just a matter of taste.

Baby2b · 19/08/2011 22:34

footsfirst I really don't think they are meant to try and tell you at 12 weeks.

At 11 weeks it is only 50% accurate according to one Study

DiscoDaisy · 19/08/2011 22:39

With my first 2 the hospital had a policy of not telling. When I was pregnant with number 3 they were just changing their policy so we asked. It was a good decision for us because we were told we were having a 3rd girl which my OH was a little bit upset about. We were able to talk about his feelings and he got used to the idea and soon thought it was really nice to be having a 3rd girl. Both number 4 and 5 were boys and it was so obvious at the scans that the sonographer said it was good we wanted to know as it was difficult to hide.
We chose their names before they were all born but although we didn't tell anybody the names we had chosen we did tell people the sex. It didn't spoil the surprise when they were born as knowing their sex was a small part of them. They all came out with different amounts of hair and different colours of hair. Their eye colours were a surprise and so were their personality.

Baby2b · 19/08/2011 22:42

discodaisy our little boy wasn't shy at the scan either .

DiscoDaisy · 19/08/2011 22:47

Baby2b the funny thing is that he may have been very forward on his scan but since the age of 2 (he is 8 now) he won't undress or dress in front of anybody unless he really has too.
His brother on the other hand was forward on his scan and even now at the age of 6 is really not bothered who sees him naked!

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