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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Finding out the sex at the scan - why not?

102 replies

MakesCakesWhenStressed · 16/08/2011 18:58

So we have the big anomaly scan soon. I want to find out, DH doesn't. As the first joint parenting decision we make I don't want to just ride roughshod over him, even though he has indicated that he would be willing to reconsider, so I'm making up a pros/cons list for myself.

I have 8 reasons why we should find out, but only 2 on the why not and one of them is the (imho) completely lame "so we get a surprise on the day" - as if being a parent suddenly isn't enough of a friggin' surprise.

So help me make a balanced decision here - what are good reasons not to find out, other than the above and the fact that the scan may not be 100% reliable?

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bigmacandhappymeal · 16/08/2011 19:52

We couldn't agree decide at our 20 week scan and ended up persuading the sonographer to write the sex down in a sealed envelope. We agreed that we wouldn't sneak it open. It is in the kitchen drawer and it has been driving me nuts now for 5 weeks! DH doesn't want to know but is resigned to finding out if I want to . I don't want to be the one to spoil his surprise so won't open it. Ridiculous!! Meanwhile the sodding envelope sits there, mocking me... I can't bring myself to destroy it and won't let it out of the house either. As I say, ridiculous!

MayDayChild · 16/08/2011 19:59

If you decide not to find out make sure you make this decision known loud and clear to all medical staff if you have to have a later scan.
I know several people whose dumb ass doctor says yes he's fine during a scan when they didn't want to know!

trixymalixy · 16/08/2011 20:10

My sister is the only person I know who found out the sex at the scan. It made it a massive anticlimax when the baby was born as everyone knew the sex and name. Ruins some of the magic IMHO.

ILoveDolly · 16/08/2011 20:16

I l0ove surprises! And I did that twice. This time I want to 'do' organised and prepared instead.

Why not wait and see. The scans aren't always accurate anyway.

lolajane2009 · 16/08/2011 20:24

I hate surprises and as I had a feeling I knew anyway we found out and was right. I also like calling him by his name.

Blu · 16/08/2011 20:25

I didn't want to know.

I feel it sort of blurs the boundaries between being pg and actually having a baby. I am not attracted to this habit of referring to an unborn baby by it's name etc. And I didn't want to project - couldn't stand everyone making all those stupid cliched comments about a 'Daddy's Girl' or a 'Boy to play Football with' etc and plotting out the poor child's life before anyone has even met it.

I enjoyed the experience of knowing that boy or girl, whatever baby I had would be loved just as a child, not a DD or DS.

I know this is probably a bit weird, but I was glad we didn't find out.

If we had I wouldn't have told anyone. And we didn't tell anyone our planned names, either. Now THAT saves a whole host of hoo ha and interference. And once a baby arrives, people focus on the baby, not the name, and don't make idiotic observations. Much

Catsycat · 16/08/2011 20:31

With DD1 we didn't find out. With DD2 we did. The surprise with DD1 didn't mean that much after the 3 day delight that was my birth experience, I'm afraid!!!! Was just relieved to have a healthy baby who had eventually been taken out of me!

With DD2, we wanted to be able to tell DD1 she was having a brother or sister, so it would be more personal for her (we didn't tell her I was pg till after the 20 week scan). I think she could picture the baby better, and never stopped talking about her. It also stopped her asking me if the baby would be a boy or a girl 500 times a day, which helped my sanity. It was nothing to do with pre-determing the child's gender role (we've no interest in that), or going out and buying pink/blue. People were pretty good at NOT buying us a load of baby pink, as they knew we don't like it, so we got lots of green, blue, red, cerise and denim clothes as gifts, which were lovely. Most of our newborn and 0-3 baby stuff is neutral, and we've often bought our DDs "boys" things, as well as lots of gorgeous dresses as they have got bigger! I have no regret finding out with DD2, again it was a complete marathon having her, and I was just relieved to have her out, and know she was safe!

We are ttc #3, and would find out the sex again if we are lucky enough to have another, for the same reasons.

Good luck deciding!

Original poster

MakesCakesWhenStressed · 16/08/2011 20:37

Oh no - not telling anyone the names. No way jose - whether we know what it is or not!

OP posts:

blueeyedmonster · 16/08/2011 20:40

I am in the same situation as you makes. I really want to find out but dp is not sure this time. I have just over two weeks to convince him over to my side.

I would like to be able to tell ds if its a boy or a girl........he keeps asking and it would be nice for him to get used to the idea of one or the other. At the moment he mostly tells that it's a brother but what if it's not? He'll have 20 weeks to get used to it then.

Personally I like to be prepared and in my head knowing the sex helps me to be honest as I can get appropriate stuff (not neccesseraly pink or blue) and know that we can use everything and not get bombarded with too much more afterwards iyswim.

I can't think of any reasons apart from the surprise one myself for waiting but I don't want to wait so wouldn't think of reasons why to.

Gemtubbs · 16/08/2011 20:48

I've found out with both of mine. I'm not one of these patient people who can wait and see. If I could find out everything about my baby I would. What they look like, what their weight will be...etc.

nightowlmostly · 16/08/2011 20:48

I just got my first bfp today and I don't want to find out but my DH does. I hope I can persuade him to let it be a surprise, but he says there is enough going on without more uncertainty!

I just think it's nice to not know, when the baby comes it will be nice to announce it as news to familty and friends. Also, I wouldn't want to give the baby a name before it's even born, I think I'd have to meet him/her before I could decide if it suited or not! As well, on a slightly more depressing note, if anything goes wrong maybe not having given a name and projected some sort of personality onto the baby will help a bit?

I don't know, maybe I'll change my mind at the time!

GwendolineMaryLacey · 16/08/2011 20:54

I don't know about that. Having had a mc earlier this year the one thing that made it worse was not knowing whether it was a boy or a girl, not knowing how my family should have been IYSWIM. But it was far far too early to tell so it was never an option.

Anyway, enough depressing talk. Congratulations on your BFP night owl :)

lovelychops · 16/08/2011 20:56

We found out. It was a nice experience finding out at the scan. We let people know we were having a girl.

It helped us decide on the name and it was nice to buy specific things with our DD in mind. However, we refused to tell anyone on our chosen name and that made it feel like there was still some 'surprise' when she arrived. (And it was nice having the 'secret name' just me and DP could refer to).

SongBirdsKeepSinging · 16/08/2011 21:10

We didn't find out with either of our dc, I wanted a surprise, I also convinced myself that being told it's a girl/boy would magically make the pain vanish....it didn't but it was still a nice moment. Confusing both times as dp insisted each time it was a boy when in fact we have two dd .....he reeeeally wants a boy but he's not getting any more out of me dd2 is 4 weeks old I'm still in the never again will that man be allowed near me phase

We didn't want to know the sex either time but even if we had wanted to we couldn't as they both lay cross legged with hands tucked between legs lol

Cant think of any reasons to not find out the sex though, I just didn't want to know.

sleepevader · 16/08/2011 21:31

Because it feels quite nice to hear people say

well done for not finding out!

So many people do - its nice to be a bit unusual and my friends are very excited about getting the phone call as they dont know what its going to be/names etc. It really will be a big surprise

LikeACandleButNotQuite · 16/08/2011 21:51

I also love people saying "I think it's going to be a......" and their bizarre reasons. If I knew what I was having, I wouldn't have this to enjoy!

nightowlmostly · 17/08/2011 00:16

Thank you, and sorry to hear of your loss gwendoline , I suppose it will always be hard no matter what. Hope you're ok x

SurprisEs · 17/08/2011 10:51

I love surprises but I couldn't help finding out the sex of my daughter and will do the same this time. It made things even more personal and made name picking easier. I'm just too curious and don't like to wait.

Original poster

MakesCakesWhenStressed · 17/08/2011 10:54

I really appreciate you all sharing your reasons with me - it's really interesting to see and I think it comes down to an irrational feeling, doesn't it? Either you do or you don't!

Think DH has agreed to find out, I was just trying to be fair to his feelings, but I think the pro/con list was too much for him and he said the constant conversations about it weren;t worth the surprise element of waiting! Oops - oh well, I didn't browbeat him so it's up to him, so now I can just look forward to my scan and finding out who's in there!

OP posts:

Sandra2011 · 17/08/2011 11:00

I had my NT scan yesterday and already at 12 weeks they were able to tell that I'm having a second boy :)

HPonEverything · 17/08/2011 11:27

I must be lame then, because I wanted the surprise

Other reasons were exactly as Piggy has said it - the announcement, the fun of having people hypothesize, scan not being accurate and everyone expecting one thing but getting another. At least I can legitimately paint the nursery neutrally like the rest of my house and not have to do it pink or blue. I genuinely don't care so it wasn't my priority at the scan. Also I love the idea of us 'discovering' for ourselves instead of technology doing it for us.

My friend, due 2 weeks before me, really wanted to find out and ended up having 3 or 4 unsuccessful scans before they finally said "we're 90% it's a girl" which is kind of the worst of both worlds I think. She's planning on it being a girl, but what if it's not?

If there were other siblings to consider, and hand-me-downs within the family, then I'd probably feel differently.

jcgo · 17/08/2011 11:43

Because it is one of the last things that can be a surprise in this world!
We haven't found out as it really doesn't matter to us either way, and we aren't the type of people to go and buy loads of pink or blue stuff!

benne81 · 17/08/2011 11:52

I don't understand why you would find out TBH and would be pretty fed up if I was 'browbeaten' into finding out (which you say you haven't but it slightly sounds like you have). Call me old fashioned but the 'its a girl' 'its a boy' seems way more exciting when the babies born rather than at 20 weeks scan in some hospital room with a sonographer and a flimsy bit of black and white paper.

You have already waited 20 weeks so what is the harm in waiting a bit longer - if you DH doesn't want to find out and wants it to be a traditional surprise don't ruin it for him. It may be an irrational feeling but if thats what he wants maybe you should take it into consideration.

FootsFirst · 17/08/2011 12:03

This reply has been deleted

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Bumpsadaisie · 17/08/2011 12:11

Benne81

Each to their own, and everyone feels differently.

But when I found out my first baby was my first daughter, at 20 weeks, it was very very special and emotional. It made the rest of pregnancy very special too, as I used to talk to her as my little girl and I used to practice saying "my daughter and I" to myself (in private) which gave me such a thrill. I felt very bonded with her long before she was born. It was extra special when she arrived as I felt I was meeting someone I knew well already, just hadn't met face to face yet. She didn't feel like a stranger at all.

We will definitely find out again with DC2 if we can, in a couple of weeks.

Personally I think the only downside to finding out is where it isn't very sure - mistakes are made. But last time round with DD we were part of a study and had lots of scans, at 20 weeks, 24, 28, 32 and 36, and there was really no room for doubt.

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